Formally ending a 'friendship'.

[mslonely]

So, here's the thing:

I have a childhood/teenage 'friend' as well as about 4 current 'friends' I've met over the past few years. I say 'friends' because I really don't enjoy their company much. And, I feel somewhat self-contious around them. The reason for this is that I have nothing in common with them. They're very materialistic and all about image. Conversations with them are always on the surface and never deep. They are generally good people, considerate and other stuff but I just don't think they're good for me.

For the longest time I consider myself friendless. I don't consider them as my friends. Recently, they haven't been making an effort to call to check up on me, like they always did, and I feel relieved. I've been happy without them, but sad too. I don't know if i'm making sense here. I'm sad because it's nice to get calls and have people to chat to, even if it's 'on the surface' chats. But, at the same time, it's not what I want.

I want to be friends with someone I can tell that I have joined ALL, I can't tell them that, for a reason i'm not sure of.

I need friends, I really do, just not them. I don't want to keep them just so that I have people to chat to because anyway, i'd be chatting about things that don't even matter to me.

So i've finally decided I want to oficially be friendless but I don't know if I should do it formally over a cup of coffee and tell them individually that I don't want to be friends with them anymore. Do I tell them the real reasons?
Or, do I just be silent and give them time to get my idea. The latter, though, is how i've lost all of my most treasured friendships. It hurts to lose a friend and not know why it happened. Is it you, are you just growing old and apart, did they not like you?
But, on the other hand, how do I tell someone i've known for 5+ years and some 7+ years that you don't appreciate their presence anymore?

Has anyone been through something like this?

 

[Aisha]

So i've finally decided I want to oficially be friendless but I don't know if I should do it formally over a cup of coffee and tell them individually that I don't want to be friends with them anymore. Do I tell them the real reasons?
Or, do I just be silent and give them time to get my idea. The latter, though, is how i've lost all of my most treasured friendships. It hurts to lose a friend and not know why it happened. Is it you, are you just growing old and apart, did they not like you?

I wouldn't advise sitting them down and saying that you're cutting them off. That will hurt them considerably, whether they're close to you or not. And perhaps they think they are close to you, even if to you they aren't what you want them to be. You've said they are good, considerate people, and you've known them long enough to know whether they are. If they haven't been making the effort to check up on you recently, perhaps it best to let it slide. Don't deliberately push them away, but don't try to force contact. Friendships end, people grow apart due to circumstance or other factors. Sometimes, such things are inevitable. Let them just phase to being acquaintances. But if they ask, just tell them the truth gently, that you just want something different. From the sound of it though, it seems like they're moving on too.

 

[lifestream]

In this instance, silence might serve you best. Allowing a drift to happen will preserve your dignity and theirs.

They sound somewhat immature and surface-oriented, it's likely that sitting down with them over coffee and telling them you don't want to be friends anymore will leave them nonplussed.

 

[Sometimes]

I think just letting it drift away is best in this situation. They just aren't in the same place as you.

I had a friend that I very specifically 'got rid of', but in that case being around her was actually doing me harm. She specifically asked why I wouldn't be friends with her anymore, and so I told her. She said she hadn't known how I felt, and then she just went away. I was friendless after that, but I really was better off.

I've had other 'friends' like you say, who weren't bad, I just had no connection and felt like I had to cover up my real self to be with them. I just let them drift away. But really, sometimes I get together with them - like once a year or two, and just catch up. It's pleasant and you might find it the same.

 

[mslonely]

I wouldn't advise sitting them down and saying that you're cutting them off. That will hurt them considerably, whether they're close to you or not. And perhaps they think they are close to you, even if to you they aren't what you want them to be. You've said they are good, considerate people, and you've known them long enough to know whether they are. If they haven't been making the effort to check up on you recently, perhaps it best to let it slide. Don't deliberately push them away, but don't try to force contact. Friendships end, people grow apart due to circumstance or other factors. Sometimes, such things are inevitable. Let them just phase to being acquaintances. But if they ask, just tell them the truth gently, that you just want something different. From the sound of it though, it seems like they're moving on too.

Actually, another one of them has mentioned something about us being bestfriends. Now, you can imagine how that made me feel, especially since not even friendship is on my mind.
I don't think they all have moved on, they just have 5000 friends each since they're all such extroverts, so they live extremely busy lives.
Thing is, if I make them acquintances, they'll always want to hang out, I can't make excuses since they know I have zero social life. And, I really just don't want to be with them anymore, ofcourse, i'll miss them but I think it's fair for both myself and them too.

---

They sound somewhat immature and surface-oriented, it's likely that sitting down with them over coffee and telling them you don't want to be friends anymore will leave them nonplussed.

True, the only reason why I don't exactly mind sitting them down is because honestly, it doesn't seem that they'd be bothered. Besides, my presence in their lives, the way I see it, doesn't make much of a difference.

---

I think just letting it drift away is best in this situation. They just aren't in the same place as you.

I had a friend that I very specifically 'got rid of', but in that case being around her was actually doing me harm. She specifically asked why I wouldn't be friends with her anymore, and so I told her. She said she hadn't known how I felt, and then she just went away. I was friendless after that, but I really was better off.

I've had other 'friends' like you say, who weren't bad, I just had no connection and felt like I had to cover up my real self to be with them. I just let them drift away. But really, sometimes I get together with them - like once a year or two, and just catch up. It's pleasant and you might find it the same.

This is what I'm not exactly sure of. Do I even want to see them once a year or do I not want to see them at all?
It can get confusing, but I think I should treat each individual differently since they are infact different in their own way and react differently to situations.
The main thing is, what if like me, who they are to me isn't the real them, and they're not what I think they are and they might take my way of ending this insulting?
Maybe i'm over-thinking everything.

 

[TheWalkingDead]

Oh I really feel for you as I am in a similar predicament. I've known someone for 8 years, in which time we texted each other pretty much daily, and met up every couple of weeks, and went to gigs and things together. 3 months ago she found this new bunch of people and started hanging out with them, and suddenly the texts dried up as well as the suggestions to meet up, as the Facebook posts of her and her new friends began to overwhelm my Facebook feed and I hardly even use Facebook, but whenever I went on there, she would be at the top having cliquey conversation with all these people she's known for 2 minutes. I would text to say I was having difficult with something and get ignored.

Last week I deleted her off Facebook. I was going to message her to tell her why - that I feel abandoned, betrayed and hurt. But I thought what's the point, she won't even have noticed I've deleted her, and maybe it's better to just let it die and maybe her new friends will stay the test of time, and maybe they won't, but if she ever comes back wanting support off me like I gave her in the past when she was really struggling, I won't be willing or able to offer that.

Another friend is slowly drifting away from me, I guess it's the nature of things.

I guess it is better to let things just die a natural death if that's the way it's going - I suppose it's the way of things that frienships do generally fizzle out rather than have a formal breakup, like a romantic relationship would.

I do feel your dilemma, as some of us would like to have a clean break, explain to the "friend" and express why things are ending, I think I'd prefer it that way, but I suppose by the time a friendship has reached that point, unless there's been some really big deal or argument to end it, then the people involved are already in different mindsets anyway, and the ending that would make sense for one just wouldn't be understood by the other.

I hope this helps!

 

[Sometimes]

This is what I'm not exactly sure of. Do I even want to see them once a year or do I not want to see them at all?
It can get confusing, but I think I should treat each individual differently since they are infact different in their own way and react differently to situations.
The main thing is, what if like me, who they are to me isn't the real them, and they're not what I think they are and they might take my way of ending this insulting?
Maybe i'm over-thinking everything.

My amazing BIL used to say to me - 'Let it unfold'.

 

[TheWalkingDead]

I suppose also unlike a romantic relationship, maybe things will change for everyone, and maybe the people will change, and maybe then they will be more suitable friends, or maybe not - but formally ending it would kind of kill off that possibility.

It's happened to me where people who've been pretty casual acquaintances have gradually developed into more supportive friends, even though I don't see them much, as well as supportive friends gradually turning into casual acquaintances.

It sounds like you struggle with the uncertainty of knowing where you stand in friendships, and ending them would give you that certainty, but take away the chance of a friendship that might develop unexpectedly given the right circumstances.

 

[mickey]

The first thing you said in your post is that you feel they are not real friends because you don't enjoy their company. You said other things that make more sense, such as that you feel you don't have anything in common with them, but the fact that you said that first makes me think it's what first came to mind. My humble opinion is that someone who defines "friend" as "someone whose company I enjoy" has a somewhat inaccurate definition of friendship. What I'd suggest is thinking about how you envision friendship, and evaluating whether maybe you have the wrong idea. Then, after you're sure you've got the right idea, go out and try to make some new friends.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I have been there before, and I agree with the others. I think when you don't want to be friends with someone anymore, it's best to just let them drift away. One way to do that is to just stop calling the person. Most likely, they will start to contact you less and less, like you have described.

That's what I did in my situations. It was a lot like yours - friendships from childhood which did not grow as I grew. In one case, our interests grew in different directions and I felt that I didn't really have any shared interests or anything to talk to them about anymore.

In another case, it was the realization that these friends were not going in a direction I wanted to go, and again, and didn't have much in common with me in the first place. I realized I was hanging out with them not because I was that fond of their company but because I was bored. I was not into the same things as them, and to myself, I disagreed with a lot of the things they liked and the ways they behaved. The friendship with these people wasn't good for me, because they had a lot of traits that I don't consider good ones which were rubbing off on me and looking back I really should have ended it much sooner than I did. I wanted more intellectual company, I wanted like you said - to have more meaningful interactions.

I also don't think it's a good idea to sit them down and formally tell them that you don't want to be friends anymore. They could get very hurt if you do that, not to mention very offended and angry as well. That being said, though, I know that I would feel very hurt if someone just stopped talking to me and never told me why. I would prefer someone tell me that they don't want to be my friend anymore. However, I don't think that's what you should do in this case.

Again, I think from your situation that you described, it's best to just drift away. It would be best to just stop calling them and sooner or later they will disappear. That's what I did in both cases. I just dropped contact, and eventually I didn't hear from them again.

 

[lifestream]

Besides, my presence in their lives, the way I see it, doesn't make much of a difference.

I know exactly how this feels. I feel as if I'm always on the periphery of the lives of everyone I know.

TheWalkingDead, have you considered writing her a letter explaining all that? I did this when my friendship with my best friend became untenable and I had to get out. It didn't fix anything but it was a cathartic experience.

 

[mslonely]

Oh I really feel for you as I am in a similar predicament. I've known someone for 8 years, in which time we texted each other pretty much daily, and met up every couple of weeks, and went to gigs and things together. 3 months ago she found this new bunch of people and started hanging out with them, and suddenly the texts dried up as well as the suggestions to meet up, as the Facebook posts of her and her new friends began to overwhelm my Facebook feed and I hardly even use Facebook, but whenever I went on there, she would be at the top having cliquey conversation with all these people she's known for 2 minutes. I would text to say I was having difficult with something and get ignored.

Last week I deleted her off Facebook. I was going to message her to tell her why - that I feel abandoned, betrayed and hurt. But I thought what's the point, she won't even have noticed I've deleted her, and maybe it's better to just let it die and maybe her new friends will stay the test of time, and maybe they won't, but if she ever comes back wanting support off me like I gave her in the past when she was really struggling, I won't be willing or able to offer that.

Another friend is slowly drifting away from me, I guess it's the nature of things.

I guess it is better to let things just die a natural death if that's the way it's going - I suppose it's the way of things that frienships do generally fizzle out rather than have a formal breakup, like a romantic relationship would.

I do feel your dilemma, as some of us would like to have a clean break, explain to the "friend" and express why things are ending, I think I'd prefer it that way, but I suppose by the time a friendship has reached that point, unless there's been some really big deal or argument to end it, then the people involved are already in different mindsets anyway, and the ending that would make sense for one just wouldn't be understood by the other.

I hope this helps!

Walkingdead, I am so sorry that you have to go through this, I know how painful this is.
And that's the thing, i'm treating these friendships as romantic relationships, I mean, then I wouldn't even consider sitting them down.
Absolutely, I think I should let it be because this is how most friendships end, I guess.

---

My amazing BIL used to say to me - 'Let it unfold'.

Well then, maybe I should.

---

It sounds like you struggle with the uncertainty of knowing where you stand in friendships, and ending them would give you that certainty, but take away the chance of a friendship that might develop unexpectedly given the right circumstances.

Yes, I am not sure where I stand in some of these friendships. In some, however, I know i'm not too far from the top of the list but question is, where do they stand?
Although I am sure about ending these frienships, I just do not want to be part. I'd go weeks without talking to them and i'd be at perfect peace, sometimes, i'd miss them deeply. Mixed feelings.

---

Actually, Mickey, i've never thought about what I think friendship is. Matter of fact, I don't even know what kind of friend I want. So, good point you're making there. Thank you.
I'd usually just meet someone, appreciate our similarities and differences, have long deep chats, advice each other, laugh, cry, go out, be there for the other person,all that and more and I will have known if we're friends or not. Now that you mention it, I probably have the worst definition of friendship.
How important is it though that I know the accurate definition? These girls are okay, really, they are, I mean they have a million friends and acquintances so clearly they're okay people. I feel uncomfortable being around them, I don't think I should be uncomfortable around soneone I consider a friend, should I?

---

---

Ska, if anything at all, I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't care how much they seem not to care. So yes, the idea of sitting them down, as I think about it, might just not work.
But I can't forget how silence ended past friendships. To this day, I still ask myself what I possibly have done wrong, if there was anything I could do to save the friendships.
So, this is my struggle.

---

Lifestream, I've considered writing letters all the time. Infact, I have. What I haven't done, though, is hand those letters over. My pride has gotten in the way so many times. I just feel like if they end a friendship, what does it help writing to them, it doesn't bring the friendship back, they simply don't want you in their life.

 

[dd11]

Are you sure you want to do that? I have found that there are people I have lost touch with for years and then reconnected years later. I don't see why you want to do this formally. You don't have to engage with them if u dont want to. Just let it go where it leads.

 

[mickey]

Formalizing a definition of friendship isn't all that important but being clear on what you want is. Only you can be sure whether you're clear enough on what you want.

I've also had a closer look at other posts. People are right that there's no pressing reason to burn bridges. It's totally different from interviewing someone for a job and then just never contacting them again to let them know you hired someone else, which IS unethical although universal. When you drift out of touch with people it's totally ethical not to re-establish contact with them just to let them know that you've drifted out of touch and aren't in contact any more. If they care then they know that already, and if they don't care why tell them?

 

[HoodedMonk]

If they haven't been making the effort to check up on you recently, perhaps it best to let it slide. Don't deliberately push them away, but don't try to force contact. Friendships end, people grow apart due to circumstance or other factors. Sometimes, such things are inevitable. Let them just phase to being acquaintances.

Yep. don't need to sit them down. This is how friendships end, not with a sit-down.

 

[mslonely]

Are you sure you want to do that? I have found that there are people I have lost touch with for years and then reconnected years later. I don't see why you want to do this formally. You don't have to engage with them if u dont want to. Just let it go where it leads.

No, i'm not sure I want to do that. Infact, I think i'd rather not.
We'll probably reconnect later and things would've changed? we'll see.

---

If they care then they know that already, and if they don't care why tell them?

This makes perfect sense.

---

Yep. don't need to sit them down. This is how friendships end, not with a sit-down.

Lol, I really wouldn't know how a friendship should end. But now I agree that not with a sit down.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Ska, if anything at all, I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't care how much they seem not to care. So yes, the idea of sitting them down, as I think about it, might just not work.
But I can't forget how silence ended past friendships. To this day, I still ask myself what I possibly have done wrong, if there was anything I could do to save the friendships.
So, this is my struggle.

Yeah, I see what you mean about silence. I think the problem with silence is like anything else - "out of sight, out of mind". When you aren't talking to someone often, sometimes we tend not to think of them a lot. Especially if previous attempts at contact have only resulted in silence. Sometimes people think that it's not worth it to give an effort anymore, or they think the ball is in the other person's court and they are waiting to see if the other person will reply. The problem happens when neither side wants to be the one to cave and re-establish contact.

I think if you wanted to, though, you could save those friendships by re-opening contact. It might work, you never know.

But in the case of the friendships you want to end, I think it's best to drift away. In the long run, it leaves less of a bad taste in their mouth than it would if you sat them down and told them your friendship was officially over. Especially if you, or them, change eventually and you want to get back in touch later.

Either way I think it's good of you that although you want to end these friendships, you are looking to do so while causing as little unnecessary pain as possible.

 

[Serephina]

I wouldn't confront them or sit and chat about it,like others have said I would just let the friendship drift,time changes people and as much as these people probably meant a lot at one time if you are too different it wouldn't work anyway. I would concentrate on what it is that you like to do and just meet some like minded people that you do have something in common with.

 

[mslonely]

I think if you wanted to, though, you could save those friendships by re-opening contact. It might work, you never know.


. . .But in the case of the friendships you want to end, I think it's best to drift away. In the long run, it leaves less of a bad taste in their mouth than it would if you sat them down and told them your friendship was officially over. Especially if you, or them, change eventually and you want to get back in touch later.

About saving the friendships, I don't know, I'd like to but things change, people change. But like you said, if I wanted to. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, it'll depend. Thanks for the suggestion.

. . .It's true, and that's the last thing I want for them, leaving a bad taste in their mouth. And I agree, one can never know what will happen in the future.

---

I wouldn't confront them or sit and chat about it,like others have said I would just let the friendship drift,time changes people and as much as these people probably meant a lot at one time if you are too different it wouldn't work anyway. I would concentrate on what it is that you like to do and just meet some like minded people that you do have something in common with.

I agree Serephina, completely.
And yes, i'm working on the metting like minded people , it's taking a while but it'll eventually happen. Thank you Serephina.

---

 

[TheWalkingDead]

Thanks to replies to my bits (I can't cope with figuring out the multiple quotes right now!)

The letter was a good idea - maybe sending a card or something would work for me, a kind of goodbye and good luck as the road of our journeys seems to have forked and we've gone different ways, I just see a motivation in me to lash out and try to hurt them back a bit at the moment but I have too much going on to deal with, so will maybe wait a while and see how I feel!

I too am working on meeting new people - I think it's all you can do. I'm at least meeting people who seem to have more time than I do to go to Meetups and all that, whereas with my other friends, it was like they were permanently busy and depending too much on people who have no time at all for you (whether actual, real time, or emotional time) is not a good strategy.

I wish you luck in finding new people mslonely and look forward to hearing of your progress