Friend who make plans but then I can't get ahold of them

[Zante]

I am confused about a friend of mine. We were once very close, then lost touch and now live in different places, but are planning to do a trip together. What bothers me about this friend is that they:

*Ask me if we can make a plan to talk on the phone about the trip but then days go past without a plan and I call and email with no response from them.

*They have said they love me and would take a bullet for me and that is all fine and good, but can't they write a 2 minute email and tell me what's up and why they wrote asking to call to talk but then when I wrote back with a day and time, they go AWOL and do not answer their phone or write back.

*It affects my fears about the trip. Like they say they will take off a day from work so we can hang out, then as the date gets nearer, go against their word. It is their idea, this trip was their idea...and they also end up in my state from time to time and say they want to meet...then suddenly their workload or whatever is too much. It makes me think I will travel across the country for an eight hour drive to where we are supposed to go...but then they won't be there. I do not have the cash to do the trip solo, so I would be SOL.

*I do freelance and worked a project free for them in hopes they would return the favor, but I feel the friendship is a bit one-sided. I was supposed to be able to write on another project that I am being blocked on because the group cannot work via long-distance, which is weird because places I know that have a group of writers Skype all the time without a problem. I feel they just do not want a women in their all male group of writers...which would be fine if they told me so.

*I see a lot of good in the friendship, but I get bored with the cloud of "busy-ness" my friend throws at me. Sure, they have kids and a job where they have to travel sometimes, but I cannot see why anybody cannot email a quick email to someone they supposedly love and would take a bullet for. To me, it is contradictory. I even felt weird when they said they loved me, because love to me is expressed by actions, not words and though I did say a little friendly "Love ya" back, it just brought up feelings in the past when we were at college and we hung out but I never got to meet their friends and felt like I was not integrated like a close friend should be. I think this is still affecting me now.

I guess my question is: How do you deal with someone who is all over you with "I love you"s, yet can't write an email answering questions about a trip coming up in two weeks which need to be answered quickly? I can get people have kids and jobs, but I feel no one is that busy and yesterday it seemed I called, it rang and then went to dial tone, like they answered and hung up for no reason other than to avoid me. This trip and calling to talk about it are their plans not mine, so I can confused of why my friend is putting so much out there like trips, future projects and love...if I cannot get simple questions answered and feel comfortable with the friendship? Are they just busy and have bad organizational skills or are they avoiding me even though they said they loved me? Because I do not avoid people I love.

They also throw out they will be close to my city, but then I start to plan a trip and then my friend says he is too busy. Apparently his kids have to beg for his time, which seems very weird to me. Nobody should have to beg for time if that person loves them. They make the time. I would drive or fly to a close city if they are there. They say, "Hey, you can share my hotel room!" Then they totally go against it once the date draws nearer. It drives me a bit crazy, because he is a good friend of mine and has a lot of good qualities and my main part of my trip and meeting them to do a road trip is that I want to spend time with them. They tell me not to worry about the trip, but then I have questions about the trip and days, almost a week goes by, without a reason to trip related questions in a short email...I am not sure how I am supposed to take it. Ideas?

 

[Therapon]

I felt exactly the same way about someone recently. They told me I was a really good friend and essentially told me that they love me (as a friend), hyped up things we'd do together, but then we hardly did them and it became apparent I wasn't really in their circle of friends. I didn't get invited to anything despite promises of that and despite me putting a lot of effort in. The hard thing isn't not being in their circle, the hard thing is being lied to and promises not being kept.

It's not fair to be rude to them, since they're being nice. But if it becomes apparent you aren't in their circle then all you can really do is either try to get in it or stop taking them seriously and focus on being friends with someone else.

 

[lifestream]

Hey Zante.

Reading your post I couldn't help but sympathise: I have a dear friend, a fairly recent edition (just over a year) to my life, who exhibits all of the same behaviour.

At best, what I've come to think of as "the J phenomenon" is irritating. At worst, it's deeply hurtful. What I've learned is that while my friend is perfectly lovely and fun to be around and may have the best intentions in the world, she's just so awful at managing her personal time and resources and so terminally flighty that I just had to stop making any kind of serious plans with her. If she wants to take a trip or do something that requires a lot of forethought and strategic maneuvering to make happen, I'm game, but I'll sit back and let her do most of the heavy lifting while I'm not put out in any major way. That's the best advice I can give you regarding people like this, Zante - let them make the effort whenever possible, otherwise you'll end up spending way too much time putting yourself out there for them and ending up resentful when you realise you're the only one out there.

If this is something you really feel needs to be discussed with them, you could try. In my experience, though, flighty people are very resistant to changing themselves.

 

[Zante]

I think the only reason I tolerate their behavior is that we have been friends seen high school and college. It was a hard time for us and we have a deep bond. If it was someone I just met, I would not be so easy going with it.

They have told me to "call them out on their sh**". We talked last night on the phone and they made a point to stop "over promising", not just with me, but with the situation of the trip, which is going to a convention to promo our creative works. But they have promised to help me with a film project next year and I asked if it was a gentlemen's agreement and we could virtually shake hands on the phone. Then I write down the promise in my journal. We had done other creative projects together but they went AWOL once for two months after we had talked about doing a video for my SO's band. I thought, ok they just had a newborn with their spouse, so I will give them space...until I saw them on Facebook galavanting around at a con in the Deep South when they live in the Midwest and not being a dutiful parent...so I called them on it, called them out on their sh**. It seemed to work.

I guess I enjoyed talking once a week or more with them, working on projects. I feel that this is done and might be a pause, but then they mentioned doing a film thing next year and I am on board. I am on board with writing too, but I think there is something chauvinistic going on with that for whatever reason they have. I have written a lot more than they have and feel I could be a boon for their team. I am not sure why I am not, because I had ideas my friend brought to the group and he told my other friend in the writing group they were my ideas. That colors me very confused.

What also confuses me is that they won't tell me details about some freelance video work they are doing. Maybe they were just tired, but I am interested in what they do. Their spouse is sort of cagey like that too. They are coming to my state for a wedding in the next two weeks and I wanted to get my SO and have a couple's dinner. But I have contacted their spouse several times over FB and they never message me back though they see the posts. I would even comment I was sending them a gift or ask them about the dinner...but nothing. My friend says their spouse is shy, but wow, they cannot even write a simple "thank you" for a gift my friend says their kids really like a lot? It comes off rude to me, but maybe both of them are rude and flighty and think it is ok to spread that to their kids. I assume the dinner is not going to happen, but I wish it would. It would be easy to figure out. I am not sure why my friend throws idea like the dinner out on the table if it isn't going to happen. It gets my hopes up only to dash them later and I probably become a nag trying to orchestrate it since it is beating a dead horse. I miss my friend and want to see them. If I did not have the desire I would not care, but I wish they wanted to meet up as much as I do.

Despite my ranting, my friend has a lot of good qualities. I laugh a lot with them and work well with them on creative things. We have a lot of similar hobbies. I don't want to make it seem like they are a jerk, other than the flightiness. I am just a person who needs to know what I am doing on a trip and have a plan. I can play it by ear, but only so far. I do not want to be ditched and then have that action hurt our friendship.

 

[Therapon]

Perhaps they aren't allowed to talk about the project they are working on? Sometimes your work can temporarily be a secret with a signed agreement. Though they should be allowed to tell you of the existance of such an agreement if that's the case.

 

[Zante]

Perhaps they aren't allowed to talk about the project they are working on? Sometimes your work can temporarily be a secret with a signed agreement. Though they should be allowed to tell you of the existance of such an agreement if that's the case.

I do get that because I get the occasional job where I cannot show the finished product because it is only for the company. Or that a studio does not what to say, we are doing a project for X company until it is done because of competition.

But they have not done it before. They are usually open with details.