Friends and sex an ongoing discussion...

[Wandering stranger]

Would you agree that if you're going to be in a relationship with someone that they should refrain from spending excessive time with a friend that they've had a sexual relationship with? I consider myself a realist and also have friends that I've rolled around the hay with but I know to keep them away or sexual tension will arise.

Out of all my female friends there is only 1 I wouldn't have sex with, I'm just not attracted to her in any way at all, as for the rest ...that's a different story. Cute friends lead to cute friend's friends or at least that's the way it works in my mind.

So which leads to another idea, most people would like their close friends to be moderately attractive. If it were up to me all my female friends would be supermodels and would tell all their supermodel friends what a great guy I am, but alas tis world is not perfect.

I'm also aware and experienced with emotional affairs too, I feel as though it's easier to slip into one with someone you've shared intimacy previously as long as it did not end wrong. Well in most cases it's all about fresh faces and comfortable attitudes of strangers that are lacking that "umph" at home.


If you were going through a relationship with someone you cared for, would you be comfortable with letting them hang out with someone that's previously had sex with them?

Do you trust men?

Do you have a decent grasp of probabilities?

Does anyone get where I'm coming from on this subject?

INB4, yes it's easy to trust someone but anyone can get seduced in the right moment.....

Let's take for example, you see someone drinking a tall glass of delicious looking random beverage, the way they enjoy it makes you want one too...but it's the only one you've seen....you want it bad.

* the way colin farrell drank mojitos in miami vice made me immediately want one

 

[ShybutHi]

Hmmm thats a hard one from my perspective, i have never had to deal with that. I think perhaps it really depends on the people, if the friends had actually had a long lasting relationship but decided to break up on mutual terms, perhaps because there just wasnt the attraction anymore, then i dont think it "should" matter that much...

That just happens, i myself wouldnt ever sleep around with lots of female friends, i am personally way more of the relationship type and i dont think any of my friendship group would actually just go and have sex with their actual friends.

 

[Sarpirus]

It seems that in relationships, jealousy is ultimately derived from fear. If another person doesn't share the same fears as you, they will be unable to understand the jealousy that is derived from it. It seems the best thing to do then is to evaluate what it is you are afraid of, resolve the fears you can, and share the fears you can't.

So you are presumably afraid that she will have sex with someone else. Why? Do you not want her ultimately to be happy? Perhaps the fear is that she will like someone better than you and stop spending time with you? This is a fallacy, for some reason we think that there is only so much love to go around! Love is not a commodity, love begets love, and jealousy is antithetical to it. If you love someone wholly, do not be afraid that it will not reciprocate.

As far as seduction goes, everyone makes the best choices they can when they make them. When we love someone we want what's best for them, but don't necessarily know what that is, because we are not them. We have to trust that no matter how we may disagree, a loved one makes a choice that they think is best for them, and we should honor our love for them by trusting them in that.

None of this is to say to be a pushover. Still always pursue what you want, but never harm another in it, and if an honest and open romantic relationship will not work, you have the communication and integrity established to deal with it gracefully.

Hmm, rant, just some thoughts.

 

[eris]

When it comes to being friends with ex lovers I think it depends on how serious your relationship is...and how serious you take relationships. My husband and I would NEVER do this, but many people do...

So you are presumably afraid that she will have sex with someone else. Why? Do you not want her ultimately to be happy?

NO ! I don't ! Not if they are cheating on me be miserable and die !

 

[Sarpirus]

I don't know I just don't think the whole jealousy/commodity relationship model is healthy. It seems like it would be unhealthy to invest so much in a relationship and still be prepared to hate just as strongly in a different circumstance.

On the other hand I could understand how hurtful relationships can be given the level of investment and commitment that can be broken.

Not sure though, I've had a few 'open' relationships as described by what I've proposed above, and they were among the most rewarding relationships I've had. This isn't to say that commitment isn't important however.

 

[eris]

*shrugs*

Why does it have to be about jealousy ? Most people that are truly in love care nothing for their failed relationships. I'm not jealous of my husband, I just want him full time. If that's the case I guess I'm also jealous of the playstation. lol. If you really REALLY love someone, you will spend most of your time together, and not even have time for silly ex-girlfriends. Having good innocent friends of the opposite sex is good for a relationship..make sure you talk about your relationship with them, and hang out with your spouse with them.

I think the unhealthy thing would be to maintain intimate (past or present) relationships with other people. Also, they are an ex for a reason, move on ! I think some (but not a lot) of guys keep ex girls around to remind themselves they are free if they want to be ... and if you feel that way, why have a serious relationship at all ?

Not sure though, I've had a few 'open' relationships as described by what I've proposed above, and they were among the most rewarding relationships I've had. This isn't to say that commitment isn't important however.

you silly goose, that contradicts itself open relationships aren't about love ! If you really have no desire to marry someone or spend your whole life with them it's not serious. In that case, none of this even matters...

 

[Sarpirus]

Well, I think how we express love and what is and isn't love is a whole other conversation.

As it pertains to the OP, I don't think any of my musings on love preclude applicability to monogamy. Communication, commitment, compassion, and honesty are always important factors in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, as is comfortability with one's level of control.

As far as the situation the OP proposes goes, I think the best you can do is ground your feelings on the issue, be as honest to yourself and the other as you can, and have enough trust in the relationship to make it work. Any time you open yourself to someone it's a leap of faith, so don't preempt situations that you can't control anyway, simply love your best and hope to be loved in return.

 

[shells]

Would you agree that if you're going to be in a relationship with someone that they should refrain from spending excessive time with a friend that they've had a sexual relationship with?

I'm not going to make my significant other do anything. We're both adults, and capable of making decisions. I would express my feelings about the situation. Whether he respects my feelings or not says a lot about where the relationship is going, IMO.

If you were going through a relationship with someone you cared for, would you be comfortable with letting them hang out with someone that's previously had sex with them?

Would I be comfortable with it? No, and I'd express it. Like I said above, I am not going to nag my partner to make his decisions. Whatever action he takes will show me how he respects me and our relationship together.

Do you trust men?

My boyfriend, he hasn't given me a reason not to. In general, I tend not to trust people easily; females and males.

Do you have a decent grasp of probabilities?

I'm not sure what you're talking about here. If you're talking about the probabilities of cheating/infidelity, then yeah. But probabilities don't dictate a relationship, the couple does.

Let's take for example, you see someone drinking a tall glass of delicious looking random beverage, the way they enjoy it makes you want one too...but it's the only one you've seen....you want it bad.

* the way colin farrell drank mojitos in miami vice made me immediately want one

That sounds like a metaphor for "People want what other people have."

 

[Badjedidude]

But probabilities don't dictate a relationship, the couple does.

Well said. True.

 

[SofiasMami]

*shrugs*

Why does it have to be about jealousy ? Most people that are truly in love care nothing for their failed relationships.
I think the unhealthy thing would be to maintain intimate (past or present) relationships with other people. Also, they are an ex for a reason, move on ! I think some (but not a lot) of guys keep ex girls around to remind themselves they are free if they want to be ... and if you feel that way, why have a serious relationship at all ?

Hi-
I agree with this. Simply saying "you're jealous" is a conversation stopper. There are often many more layers to it than that. By spending a lot of meaningful time with an ex, you're taking away time from your current relationship. If you want to spend time with them so badly, why break up in the first place? If you're still feeling a chemical attraction, that's all the more reason to stay out of temptation's way, out of respect for your current partner. It may be flattering to think that a back-up could be waiting in the wings in case your current relationship ends but I wouldn't be in a relationship with a guy who insisted on spending time with an ex-significant other. He can be with someone who thinks that's ok, instead.

-Teresa

 

[JamaisVu]

My feeling is that if you're going to be in a relationship with someone, you should avoid spending excessive time with anyone (or anything). A relationship can't succeed if one half of it is perpetually absent or preoccupied.

As for your feelings towards female friends, I would feel the same way towards male friends. If I like them enough to be friends with them and want to be around them often, then chances are high I would not object to sex with them either. Many people can do completely platonic friendships, others find it more difficult. It just depends on the person.

My take on exes is different though. I feel that once you've been with someone already, it diminishes sexual tension. If my SO had an ex and an attractive female friend who was not an ex, I'd feel more comfortable if he were spending time with the ex than with the 'new' girl if I were worried about infidelity.

I trust men as much as anyone else. My grasp of probabilities is very realistic. And I totally get what you mean about the mojito, one time I watched like 6 seasons of Murder She Wrote continuously and it kept making me want alcohol because they drink so much.

 

[Nina]

I may be in the minority with my opinion but I am still best friends with my first love from HS. We were both Seniors and each others first partener. We ended our relationship when we decided to go to college on two separate continients, but stayed best friends. He's been through 2 marriages and I've walked him through the heart ache of loss each time. I even just recently hooked him up with a friend of mine who he is now dating. We've cried on each others shoulder and mopped up gallons of tears but we've NEVER slept together, again. We made a choice to keep this special relationship completely platonic and we've stuck with it...

This works because of boundries, persoanl accountability and individual integrity. I can talk to him concerning just about anything....except...my husband and issues with our marriage. I would never open a door where misunderstandings could arise, nor would I betray my husband that way.

Even if the worst happened in my marriage, I would rather keep this priceless relationship where it is and be loyal to whomever he was seeing, at the time, then going against my own ethics and standards and harming a woman who may have fallen in love with him...My conscience would never let me sleep if I pulled a, "the other woman" routine. I like to sleep at night.

Life is all about the choices we make.

My hubs does not know he was my first....Some pieces of my past belong only to me...

 

[Nina]

WanderingS--That's very sad. It's always a shame when things go so wrong in a relationship....((Wandering))

 

[CrazieCute]

I understand where you're coming from wandering stranger. When I'm single I have sex with my best guy friend as friends with benefits. My guy knows this. He's slept with some of his friends and I'm ok with that. If he or I ever got too jealous, or we wanted someone else sexually I would suggest an open relationship. but you're also talking about an emotional affair, and I've never been in that situation before...

 

[CrazieCute]

sounds lonely but what a curious concept lol

 

[ShybutHi]

I understand where you're coming from wandering stranger. When I'm single I have sex with my best guy friend as friends with benefits. My guy knows this. He's slept with some of his friends and I'm ok with that. If he or I ever got too jealous, or we wanted someone else sexually I would suggest an open relationship. but you're also talking about an emotional affair, and I've never been in that situation before...

I find it a bit funny how some people are so open about sex like that. I am 23, still a virgin im not sure if i would have casual sex with a female friend, none of my female friends would have casual sex like that. I would love to be intimate with a women but still i would prefer it to be within a relationship.

 

[CrazieCute]

Hi Shybuthi. I do find it interesting when people seem so closed about sex when sexuality is such a part of who we are as a people. As for myself, if I'm horny I have sex and think nothing of it. Since I was a kid I've messed with both my guy and girl friends. It's just a way to have fun and spend the time. It never gets in the way of our friendship because there's no emotion involved other than sexual satisfaction. At this point my guy and I are still in the early stages of our relationship and are still building on trust and enjoying one another so we don't have an open relationship yet. But a lifetime is a long time to be with someone, and while he will always be my lifemate, the only one I love in that way, monogamy is a lot to ask.

 

[st642]

As a virgin I suppose I'm not too qualified to weigh in on this subject P). But that's not for any moral reason or something like that. I've just had spectacular failures in that area. Anyway . . .

I think that open relationships can work, as can just casual sex. There is definitely a distinction between love and sex. If both parties know there is no romantic attraction there and it's solely just for pleasure, what's the problem? Obviously going out and doing this without your partner's knowledge is wrong, but if both parties are okay with it being open, then that's great. And I know what I talk about given my wealth of experience.

 

[Wandering stranger]

This honeysuckle is dead, I broke it off with the chick, it's over

 

[Remedy]

Has anyone ever thought of it this way :/

If people did not have sex with friends or random people, such a problem would not exist

I'm not trying to be mean, I just wanted to state the truth. If people did not treat sex like it was so meaningless. Meaningless enough to sleep around with random people or friends, just because they wanted to satisfy their own sexual desires :/. Such problems would not exist if people did not have sex with so many people :/. I just say this, cause he came on here because hes worried about a girl hes interested in sleeping around. It would not happen if sex was treated like a close special bond with one person and one person only instead of just an act you do with anybody :/. This is going off the path but this is another thing happens because of it . There would not be so many single mom's or abortions happening. Kids get brought into this world into really really shitty situations or life is denied a chance to live because some person does not feel like having a kid at the time . I know that I am blowing everything out of proportion but these things do happen as an effect of sleeping around. It causes so much worry and heartache everywhere, especially when 2 people meet who don't think mutually on such a matter. Some things are just really depressing to think of .