Friends first or not?

[meekthoughts]

Personally, I say friends first because I take dating very seriously. You really get to know them much better and all the little quirks they have. However, it doesn't really help much if you both have feelings for each other and still eye each other gloomily while being friends. If the attraction (and not just physical) is strong, staying friends could actually dampen the relationship. In that case, I wouldn't mind dating and skipping the friend stage.

 

[Ak5]

For me, dating right away. But I guess it wouldn't matter being friends first and then dating; only if I leave the friend zone quickly.

 

[Seventh]

[/quote]

What happens when you know most things about the person after awhile of dating?

[/quote]

You know that`s a good question, Okiedokes.
Ill let you know if I happen to come across someone THAT boring and predictable lol. No luck so far, though. Most of the women I have gotten out with had a personality and all.. its odd. I know seriously though, ive never met a person that can be figured out entirely just from a few dates. Getting to know a person truly can take years, so what your describing to me seems very sad, indeed. If your speaking from experience, if you have dated such a "plant like" person, than you have my condolences.

 

[oopsiedoop]

After pondering people's responses, most of which are food for thought, I realize that really what we're asking is: what do we want out of dating? And that's the question I would ask my next crush first. Because I have had friends that I dated, and it was so painful anyway -- both the transition and the breakup, because the relationship was so fantastic until I realized that I thought I knew them but really I still didn't because I still made the transition sort of mindlessly. I mean, even married couples break up, so you can never know anyone perfectly I suppose. But I think, unless you rely on sheer luck, which might well be what's really needed in this crazy world, that your chances of having a good experience should go up if you both at least agree on the things that are important to you in a dating relationship, if there's understanding about that. What kind of dating relationship do they want want? Are you in it for the fun or future? What kind of future do you see for yourself (ask the other person)? If someone says they don't know, then at least you know to act accordingly, and, they are great questions for setting up a friendship that will lead to a good dating relationship.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I believe that if two people hold a strong romantic interest in each other they will become friends as part of the dating process. In my opinion men or women who have to be friends first. Have serious trust and intimacy issues. After all, friends are easier to drop than lovers.... Maybe they are both easy to drop. People just frown on failed friendships less.

Personally, I think that being friends first can ruin a relationship. Because you are forced to put walls and barriers to separate this potential mate out as a friend. Then when the nature of the relationship changes. One side will become nostalgic and want out claiming you work better as friends. When in fact you never worked with to begin with.

If a girl says she has to be friends with me first. That is just a nice way for her to say she never considered me a viable mate.

 

[Bluey]

I believe that if two people hold a strong romantic interest in each other they will become friends as part of the dating process. In my opinion men or women who have to be friends first. Have serious trust and intimacy issues. After all, friends are easier to drop than lovers.... Maybe they are both easy to drop. People just frown on failed friendships less.

Maybe your right, But I never mined getting interment with the 2 girls I went out with and I was friends with both first.
Now if am honest I probably do have intimacy issues but that's only because of the length of time I have not been interment with anyone.
But I have always had rather got to know a girl first.

If a girl says she has to be friends with me first. That is just a nice way for her to say she never considered me a viable mate.

Not necessary, All though I think most guys would see it that way.
And probably most girls would have meant it that way.
So yea OK I go along with you being right there.
See I typed my hole thought process out for you to see here XD

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Maybe your right, But I never mined getting interment with the 2 girls I went out with and I was friends with both first.
Now if am honest I probably do have intimacy issues but that's only because of the length of time I have not been interment with anyone.
But I have always had rather got to know a girl first.

My reply has context. The context is that this is a girl you just met. If you were friends before you considered her a potential mate then that changes things. After all, going through the friend step as trying to get to the lover step changes things.

 

[Okiedokes]

Hmmm this all leads me to another question................. The friendship may be missed if it turns into a relationship? I could see the possibility of that but then again it seems like a relationship would just bring two people even closer...what would be there to miss?

 

[kamya]

After all, friends are easier to drop than lovers.... Maybe they are both easy to drop. People just frown on failed friendships less.

Am I the only one that values friendship more? A failed friendship is a sad and unfortunate thing. Something seriously messed up needs to happen for a friendship to break off. Friendships are generally easier to maintain as well. It is more understandable to me for the relationship between lovers to go bad. Where one person usually has to seriously cross another to end a friendship, relationships between lovers can end for many other reasons.

 

[Sprint]

Friends first? not for me. thanks lol. I get the whole wanting to get to know someone better, to get a better grasp of that persons personality, friends, family, habits, opinions, bra size, whatever. Trying to get it on with someone you already know is by far a safer (and perhaps more sanitized) approach. Its also a lot easier. But... Where`s the fun in that? I don't wanna be with someone I grew up with, and shared most of my life`s drama. To me that`s boring. If I know everything there is to know about her, and she knows everything about me - than there`s no sense of excitement or danger in it. There`s no adrenalin rush. No sense of discovery. That`s simply not so special, in my opinion. To each his own, of course.

What happens when you know most things about the person after awhile of dating?

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Do you see any importance in being friends with someone you find attractive before dating or do you like to go straight to the point and date right away? What do you prefer?

Vaguely. Its usually pretty obvious after the first month or less if I'm interested in her or not. The friendzone is real and dangerous.

I've never experienced the friend zone.. wish I could lol. I have the opposite problem. Women never seem to want to be just friends. I would really like the directions to this zone!

So you would like to have female friends or you want to be their friend before dating and they prefer to date right away?

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Be their friend first.. see if we're compatible.. if we have the same beliefs, viewpoints, morals, goals etc. in life. What's the point in rushing into something just to "try it on" then realizing a short time afterward that you're incompatible with the person?

I believe that the basis of any good relationship is friendship... so you should simply be working off of that basis to begin with anyway.

Don't really like to use "dating" as a means to get to know someone. That procedure seems extremely inefficient. To me "dating" is more about pursuit. Why would I pursue someone that I'm not even sure I want yet or not? Why would I put out those resources financially, time-wise, & emotionally?

Another added advantage of this method is that if one realizes they aren't interested in the person romantically... they then have another friend in life - which is always a good thing

Just realized I didn't answer your question at all LOL..
What I initially meant was a combination of both. It seems I can never have a female friend who wants to stay just a friend. I lose many friends like this, unfortunately. Even 1 woman I was friends with for almost 7 years 1 day confessed she had "loved" me all 7 of those years...........#!@*#* disturbed me highly... I viewed her as close to me as a sister.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Well, I'll just say that I think its a very good idea that if you are attracted to someone, you should at least let her know as soon as possible. Seems to work for me. Friendship or not, making it clear that you might want more is a good way to keep from any unexpected surprises versus her expectations of your presence in her life.

 

[Sprint]

I believe that if two people hold a strong romantic interest in each other they will become friends as part of the dating process. In my opinion men or women who have to be friends first. Have serious trust and intimacy issues. After all, friends are easier to drop than lovers.... Maybe they are both easy to drop. People just frown on failed friendships less.

Personally, I think that being friends first can ruin a relationship. Because you are forced to put walls and barriers to separate this potential mate out as a friend. Then when the nature of the relationship changes. One side will become nostalgic and want out claiming you work better as friends. When in fact you never worked with to begin with.

If a girl says she has to be friends with me first. That is just a nice way for her to say she never considered me a viable mate.

Ironically almost everything you say in your post supports being friends first, hmmm.

 

[Bluey]

Maybe your right, But I never mined getting interment with the 2 girls I went out with and I was friends with both first.
Now if am honest I probably do have intimacy issues but that's only because of the length of time I have not been interment with anyone.
But I have always had rather got to know a girl first.

My reply has context. The context is that this is a girl you just met. If you were friends before you considered her a potential mate then that changes things. After all, going through the friend step as trying to get to the lover step changes things.

I don't see how it would change anything if you was going out with a girl you was friends with first. The only thing that dose is you both risk the friendship if you fall out as loves.
Of course if your going out on a date with someone you just meet then of course your saying your only there for a relationship and not friendship.

I think bottom line here is its just different for everyone.
Like some ppl well be able to remain friends with there Ex's and other ppl well never talk again to that person.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Am I the only one that values friendship more? A failed friendship is a sad and unfortunate thing. Something seriously messed up needs to happen for a friendship to break off. Friendships are generally easier to maintain as well. It is more understandable to me for the relationship between lovers to go bad. Where one person usually has to seriously cross another to end a friendship, relationships between lovers can end for many other reasons.

What could be a more horrible thing than to desire someone who doesn't desire you?  It will make all of your more intimate, meaning one in one, time more awkward. Thus causing tension, and making it a strain to be around the other person.

You make an excellent point about it being easier to maintain friendships.  It is much easier to maintain friendships because there is a lower expectation of commitment.  You can see someone once a year and still be friends.  Plus that will give you the ability to feel morally superior. After all, you gave the person a chance to be friends and they rejected it.

Ironically almost everything you say in your post supports being friends first, hmmm.

If so why is this a one sentence reply?

I don't see how it would change anything if you was going out with a girl you was friends with first. The only thing that dose is you both risk the friendship if you fall out as loves.
Of course if your going out on a date with someone you just meet then of course your saying your only there for a relationship and not friendship.

I think bottom line here is its just different for everyone.
Like some ppl well be able to remain friends with there Ex's and other ppl well never talk again to that person.

So every girl you have ever been friends with you have seen as a potential romantic partner from day one?  From the girls you met when you just got out of diapers to the girls you meet today.  Every single one of them is a potential romantic partner and being friends is just the first step to becoming a mate?  I think I spelled out the difference pretty well.  If you just meet a girl and express romantic intent and she tells you to be friends.  That makes your desire to be friends suspect.  After all, she clearly said that you have to be friends so you can be her romantic partner.  So how authentic is a friendship if you know that they are just doing it to become a romantic partner?  That will put everything you say and do into a suspicious light.  After all, you made your intent to be a mate clear from the get go.  Why would you settle for anything less?  I have never met a person, because they don't exist, who is so naive and innocent that they see no difference between lovers and friends.  

Now if you have a long established friendship, lets say a minimum of one year.  Where there was no romantic interest expressed.  A sudden romantic interest can be seen as authentic and as a new development.  It is not seen as an effort to obtain a mate.  The romantic interest is seen as a side-effect of being a friend.

 

[Skorian]

Probably a good idea.

 

[Bluey]

So every girl you have ever been friends with you have seen as a potential romantic partner from day one?  From the girls you met when you just got out of diapers to the girls you meet today.  Every single one of them is a potential romantic partner and being friends is just the first step to becoming a mate?  I think I spelled out the difference pretty well.  If you just meet a girl and express romantic intent and she tells you to be friends.  That makes your desire to be friends suspect.  After all, she clearly said that you have to be friends so you can be her romantic partner.  So how authentic is a friendship if you know that they are just doing it to become a romantic partner?  That will put everything you say and do into a suspicious light.  After all, you made your intent to be a mate clear from the get go.  Why would you settle for anything less?  I have never met a person, because they don't exist, who is so naive and innocent that they see no difference between lovers and friends.  

Now if you have a long established friendship, lets say a minimum of one year.  Where there was no romantic interest expressed.  A sudden romantic interest can be seen as authentic and as a new development.  It is not seen as an effort to obtain a mate.  The romantic interest is seen as a side-effect of being a friend.

No Ive not been romantically involved with every girl i've ever been friends with. That's just ridiculous. Am not that fit XD
Am just saying that both of my long term girlfriends that Ive had I was friends with be for that's all.
I did not make friends with them with that in mind. It just ended up happening like that. For me it was nice to know them first. That's all. It for me made it moor spacial.
For me I think I have to get to know a person be for I fancy them.

Also I don't think I make a very good first impression as I walk funny and am not a big strong guy as most women seem to wont.
So most girls when they first meet me would not see me as a potential partner. Its not until they get to know me that they then look at me in a different light.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

No Ive not been romantically involved with every girl i've ever been friends with. That's just ridiculous. Am not that fit XD
Am just saying that both of my long term girlfriends that Ive had I was friends with be for that's all.
I did not make friends with them with that in mind. It just ended up happening like that. For me it was nice to know them first. That's all. It for me made it moor spacial.
For me I think I have to get to know a person be for I fancy them.

Also I don't think I make a very good first impression as I walk funny and am not a big strong guy as most women seem to wont.
So most girls when they first meet me would not see me as a potential partner. Its not until they get to know me that they then look at me in a different light.

The bonded portion is what changes the context. You held no romantic interest, initially. By the time you became romantically interested. The friendship was already established. Therefore, even if a girl had no feelings for you she couldn't say that first. Men and women can only say that they would rather be friends first if they are around a person they just met.

 

[oopsiedoop]

wat?

 

[Okiedokes]

What happens when you know most things about the person after awhile of dating?

[/quote]

You know that`s a good question, Okiedokes.
Ill let you know if I happen to come across someone THAT boring and predictable lol. No luck so far, though. Most of the women I have gotten out with had a personality and all.. its odd. I know seriously though, ive never met a person that can be figured out entirely just from a few dates. Getting to know a person truly can take years, so what your describing to me seems very sad, indeed. If your speaking from experience, if you have dated such a "plant like" person, than you have my condolences.
[/quote]

lol I guess what I was getting at is... after awhile you will know most things about a person, and yes I agree it does take years. But what happens when you do know everything? lol. I'm talking long term. Eventually you will know most things and you said you might get bored. Or is that different? Sorry if I sound stupid... I was basically just concerned what you'd do if things got relaxed in a relationship. lol

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wat?

yes?

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Friends first? not for me. thanks lol. I get the whole wanting to get to know someone better, to get a better grasp of that persons personality, friends, family, habits, opinions, bra size, whatever. Trying to get it on with someone you already know is by far a safer (and perhaps more sanitized) approach. Its also a lot easier. But... Where`s the fun in that? I don't wanna be with someone I grew up with, and shared most of my life`s drama. To me that`s boring. If I know everything there is to know about her, and she knows everything about me - than there`s no sense of excitement or danger in it. There`s no adrenalin rush. No sense of discovery. That`s simply not so special, in my opinion. To each his own, of course.

What happens when you know most things about the person after awhile of dating?

---

Do you see any importance in being friends with someone you find attractive before dating or do you like to go straight to the point and date right away? What do you prefer?

Vaguely. Its usually pretty obvious after the first month or less if I'm interested in her or not. The friendzone is real and dangerous.

I've never experienced the friend zone.. wish I could lol. I have the opposite problem. Women never seem to want to be just friends. I would really like the directions to this zone!

So you would like to have female friends or you want to be their friend before dating and they prefer to date right away?

---

Be their friend first.. see if we're compatible.. if we have the same beliefs, viewpoints, morals, goals etc. in life. What's the point in rushing into something just to "try it on" then realizing a short time afterward that you're incompatible with the person?

I believe that the basis of any good relationship is friendship... so you should simply be working off of that basis to begin with anyway.

Don't really like to use "dating" as a means to get to know someone. That procedure seems extremely inefficient. To me "dating" is more about pursuit. Why would I pursue someone that I'm not even sure I want yet or not? Why would I put out those resources financially, time-wise, & emotionally?

Another added advantage of this method is that if one realizes they aren't interested in the person romantically... they then have another friend in life - which is always a good thing

Just realized I didn't answer your question at all LOL..
What I initially meant was a combination of both. It seems I can never have a female friend who wants to stay just a friend. I lose many friends like this, unfortunately. Even 1 woman I was friends with for almost 7 years 1 day confessed she had "loved" me all 7 of those years...........#!@*#* disturbed me highly... I viewed her as close to me as a sister.

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Ummmm yeah that would be quite a surprise learning those details after 7 years. Wow. I agree with your views about dating btw. I don't feel like getting to know someone is dating. In fact, when I was in HS and I "went out" with a few people...it seemed more like friendship to me. So when it broke off.. I was probably more hurt by losing that person as a friend more than anything. Those weren't very serious in a romantic way though (looking back). I didn't know love till it accidently kinda happened while being friends with someone. I can't plan to like someone.. lol. I have to be friends first and it either happens or it doesn't.

 

[Sprint]

Ironically almost everything you say in your post supports being friends first, hmmm.

If so why is this a one sentence reply?

Why would it be more? It communicates the idea effectively. Were you expecting poetic prose?