Friends to GF/BF

[frey12]

Okay so I lost one of my friends a while back ill state granted she wasnt a very good friend from the get go. But how do you know if your dating or not because I thought back on it and I wonder if thats why she was doing somethings that I thought a friend shouldnt do. Well when I called her she never called back. We only ever went out alone together, and I tended to pay for dinners. But we never kissed but she didnt offer to have sex once(literally the day before I lost my virginity). I thought we were just friends but I don tknow never calling after like 2 years of friendships seems messed up. Anyway could use some experience so if I end up in something like this again I dont miss an opprotunity.

 

[jales]

she offered to have sex with you? Lol, she liked you! Why didnt you just call her ..during the two years.. guess it was because she wasnt a great friend. She liked you.. if she offered sex.. girls dont just do that EVER!

 

[frey12]

Well I actually didnt lose touch with her on purpose, it just became to much of a pain to always to be the one to call felt like I wasnt getting anything out of it if one call back over a three year friendship was impossible. But I figure she did a bit and I did a bit but it was just a pain. Not knowing why acting nice wasnt getting me a friend I wanted.

 

[jales]

ummm.. i'm not sure how to respond. Maybe you could ask her if in her opinion you'll dated...

 

[frey12]

Oh I got rid of all her personal information so I didnt have to deal with thinking about her anymore. Unfornately it didnt help I still do but meh to it all I have pretty much moved on. And I was never to torn up over it.

 

[Colette]

Here's my philosphy and you can take it or leave it: they're all friends till you get married.

 

[frey12]

Well the thing was I was trying to just be a friend, which was either the problem or not. Well you have raised my curiosity, are you saying your philosophy counts as what I would consider a player, meaning you sleep with your friends, etc. Or is that you dont date do anything physical before marriage or what. I dont know elaborate and if this was just a joke it went over my head do to analyisis

 

[Colette]

The words player and promiscious are gender specific. The first is usually used for men and the second for women, both of which I dislike. I don't believe in the moralization or demoralization of sex or intimacy. Basically what two consenting adults do together is their business.

When I said "they're all friends till you get married" is just my belief. It means I don't date exclusively and to me they are friends. Marriage is entirely different story. It's something far more serious and committed. But again, this is just my philosophy.

 

[frey12]

How will you get married if you never date exclusively?

 

[Qui]

it could work. actually, I think that doing it that way you'd be much more likely to end up with the right person. but then again, I just got through a complete joke of a relationship that totally sucked and in the process I have lost a friend, which is not so good because I don't have too many to spare :/

 

[Colette]

How will you get married if you never date exclusively?

I don't know what dating exclusively has to do with it. Someone says "I would like to spend the rest of my life with you." and either you say yes or no.

What's the alternative? A long list of dry-runs?

 

[frey12]

Well if your "friends" with more then 1 person then wouldn't it keep you from getting very close to them not to mention consume a lot of time. And why would they want to spend the rest of your life with you when they have to share and have no testing period to see if they can actually spend their life with you.

 

[Colette]

Well if your "friends" with more then 1 person then wouldn't it keep you from getting very close to them not to mention consume a lot of time. And why would they want to spend the rest of your life with you when they have to share and have no testing period to see if they can actually spend their life with you.

No need for quoations. No it wouldn't. Again, don't you think it's possible to be close to more than one person? Forming attachments is what humans do best. You'll know if that person is someone you want to go through life with. It's not something that has to be tested or overly-analyzed.

Listen, I'm not putting down your views on dating or marriage. To each their own.

 

[frey12]

Sure I think its possible. However getting close to people requires time, and if you are close to lots of people then they are eating up a lot of time to maintain it. And saying you know anything is so subjective, and marriage is a major decision and it sounds pretty silly to just jump into something because on a single thought you are like I can really spend the rest of my life with this person. Then you have to deal with the fact that this person may not have the same views about marriage as you. And marriage changes peoples relationships quite a bit. They can be one person before marriage and another different person after.

Also this has nothing to do with putting down views, this is everything about broadening my idea over a topic I am rather ignorant about. Which is why I created the thread.

 

[jales]

this is an interesting topic! Cause i know a guy who thinks the same way as Colette...

it makes perfect sense..
not 4 me though cause i'm not really into the whole 'marriage' thing.. but if you are religious (which he is) it definitely makes sense.

to me it wod only really work if you are religious or think exactly alike or so.. other than that it can work...but it's also a chance you are taking.. when ideally this is supposed to be a 'safe' route.

Also i should warn ...be careful... ANYONE can say they want to marry you if they think that's what you want to hear you know... then you cud wind-up 'engaged' n in the same position as the long list of dry runs person..lol you'll just have a long list of dry 'engagment' runs...

there is no totally safe way.. both ways have their risk.. one entails emotional risk (not-colette's way) the other you risk two things..

*knowing someone as a friend n knowing them as a spouse are two different things.. so you risk the unknown
*you also risk (esp. for older people) placing a lot more emotionally into your marriage than you would have the other way.. this cod be good or bad... i'm not explaining it well, but basically exclusive relationship experience gives you a more realistic view relationships (EXcept if you n the person think a like.. or are both religious; then you are fine)

basically.. two people that think a like have a high chance of staying together if they do this (even higher chance than others since they value marriage sooooo much)
however people who a different in thinking have a higher chance the other way if they value the simple non-marriage based commitment...

I'm rambling but what I've learnt is it takes a lot of time to understand how someone thinks; usually about two years for me.. people who don't even intend to lie.. lie about the way they think..lol

so if you are going to go the friend till marriage way.. know that people are not exactly what they seem.. spend lots of time with your friend (esp. if you are over 25 yrs. old). If you are young.. it's easier..still hard.. but easier..

OF COURSE I DONT REALLLY KNOW WUT I'M TALKING ABOUT...cus i'm still a kid lol...

 

[frey12]

Well I thought I should just list what I think how it goes for the relationship stages.
Dating go out get to know each other, still open to date many people, exlcusive dating basically getting the bf/gf title, spend time together but still don't live together, moving in together adjusting to sharing a home with a person, now i personally would stop at this one and would never go to marriage but maybe open to children at this stage.

Finally marriage, you now have to deal with people in the marriage state of mind. Which is basically no matter what I do you wont leave me so I can do whatever I want. Not to mention if they observed their parents being married then you may have to deal with that emotional baggage appearing because they observed a certain kind of behavior and it may seem perfectly normal to them.

As far as the religious way of thinking of friend to marriage I find it illogical to just jump into something when in stages you can seperate the problems that come with it over a course of months or years. And reduce the many problems that come along with each of the stages. Like jumping over hurdles on tracks. If you just jump into a marriage its like trying to jump a mountain and unless your a super person and your with a super person your going to have a hard time making it over all the problems. And its little things that destroy marriages something minor that is just done repeatedly. Then it can spread unless the other person becomes okay with it, or you change for them.

 

[jales]

yea it could work either way.. but now-a-days with people being so culturally diverse and so very often selfish ...

the stages thing makes sense ..

 

[Colette]

to lots of people then they are eating up a lot of time to maintain it.

Rather than a bunch of monogomous relationships, one after another eating up a lot of time?

major decision and it sounds pretty silly to just jump into something because on a single thought you are like I can really spend the rest of my life with this person.

Everything is a leap of faith. Hopefully someone will know the person they decide to take a chance an go through life with.

And marriage changes peoples relationships quite a bit. They can be one person before marriage and another different person after.

I believe people who are open and intelligent grow as people and they can grow together or apart. That we have no control over.

Ultimately I would never deny myself the pleasure of knowing interesting people and enjoying their company. And the BF/GF labels seem very childish to me, but that's just my thing.

 

[jales]

the only thing i see with Colette's method that might be difficult is having sex with a friend..

if you are religious then there is no sex b4 marriage.. so okay it works
but if not... having sex with someone who you are in no way committed to..

it's odd!

 

[frey12]

People take up time, but what your saying is your going to rely on faith. Now i have never had faith in anything and putting in faith in people just sounds well idiotic to me and theirs no other word I can think of in it. I mean you might as well just have arrange marriages if your going to do it that way since you dont seem to mention any courtships. And since you seem to hold so much importance in marriage, I bet you would be stuck with someone even if a year or so down the line you dont even love them anymore. Theirs way to much risk to just take a leap of faith and I have seen so many marriages fail because of not thinking, about the problems they are going to have to face. In theory your philosophy doesnt work, it sounds like a fantasy told to us when we were children. Sleeping beauty, Snow White, and then my prince/ess came out of no where and we lived happily ever after with no problems forever.

If I knew a better title for bf/gf i would find one but it is the only one I know. But its no more adult then saying husband and wife.