Sorry if this is not the right section or even the right forum. I'm trying to get over my past. I understand it is not acceptable to think like this as an adult, the natural process is that you grieve, accept it and get on with your life. But I can't seem to suck it up or deal with it.
I was badly abused at home. I didn't have any of the opportunities that my schoolfriends had. While they travelled, I was in hospital. When they got degrees, I was homeless. They worked graduate jobs, I worked minimum wage. They made families, I lost everyone. It's left me in terrible situations with appalling consequences and the questions won't go away. My question is:
If I was in control, why were my choices so bad? And if not, how do I explain that? What piece of the puzzle did I miss so badly?
The worst part is how everyone left. I was brought up to be a "people-pleaser" and not looked after properly. It ruined my sense of autonomy and there's attitudes which I STILL have to analyse and sort out. And when you lose everyone, survival is much more difficult. You have to invent ways to cope and manage. You miss out on so many opportunities, you're never taken seriously and you dwell in endless negative emotions.
If you can return from that, you find that most people have drifted themselves through life. They may have worked hard and committed themselves, but they never haven't asked themselves the hard questions because they haven't ever had to. People will work quite substantially to find answers they want to hear and that includes that they made choices which were more likely determined by circumstance.
I already have endless answers to vindicate myself, but it isn't reliable to hold myself unaccountable. At the same time, I'm really not sure WHAT I could have done to change the things that happened. If I try to push them away, they re-surface terribly or I'll have nightmares. The effects were devastating and all I want are answers or senses that will satisfy and make them go away.
What happens now? Do I just end up getting older and more bitter? You can't allow the past to dictate your future but maybe this is part of the hand I got.
I was badly abused at home. I didn't have any of the opportunities that my schoolfriends had. While they travelled, I was in hospital. When they got degrees, I was homeless. They worked graduate jobs, I worked minimum wage. They made families, I lost everyone. It's left me in terrible situations with appalling consequences and the questions won't go away. My question is:
If I was in control, why were my choices so bad? And if not, how do I explain that? What piece of the puzzle did I miss so badly?
The worst part is how everyone left. I was brought up to be a "people-pleaser" and not looked after properly. It ruined my sense of autonomy and there's attitudes which I STILL have to analyse and sort out. And when you lose everyone, survival is much more difficult. You have to invent ways to cope and manage. You miss out on so many opportunities, you're never taken seriously and you dwell in endless negative emotions.
If you can return from that, you find that most people have drifted themselves through life. They may have worked hard and committed themselves, but they never haven't asked themselves the hard questions because they haven't ever had to. People will work quite substantially to find answers they want to hear and that includes that they made choices which were more likely determined by circumstance.
I already have endless answers to vindicate myself, but it isn't reliable to hold myself unaccountable. At the same time, I'm really not sure WHAT I could have done to change the things that happened. If I try to push them away, they re-surface terribly or I'll have nightmares. The effects were devastating and all I want are answers or senses that will satisfy and make them go away.
What happens now? Do I just end up getting older and more bitter? You can't allow the past to dictate your future but maybe this is part of the hand I got.