For one, you can't feel relief when you are dead. I used to be like you ; I wanted desperately to die. I have been through a lot in my life, and I am constantly riddled with guilt. I have failed many in my past, including myself. Some days are a struggle for me just to keep on going. I have lost those close to me. I have lost my parents, my first true love, and my son. My past legal guardian has lost her job, declared bankruptcy, and almost lost her house. I do everything I can to help her out financially when it often creates hardships for myself as well. I have been kicked on, spit on, threatened, sued, beaten, and robbed of self dignity. I have had every reason to kill myself in the past. But, I will come out on top ! I want more for my life. I deserve it, and so do you.
I don't know your whole story or what has caused you to feel this pain. I DO know what this pain is like. I'm tired of life's honeysuckle and the people in this world that just don't give a ****. I was tired of being a doormat, a loser, and a nobody. I've learned that, when all else fails, you are your only true best friend. I'm tired of having nothing and being conquered by life. I contemplated suicide in my past. Suicide is defeat. I don't want life to defeat me, I want to conquer it. I have seen so many people bloom from nothing into something. If they can do it, why can't I ? I have a lot of work to do, but I WILL make it because I have the desire to.
You are never going to overcome these feelings unless you forgive yourself for whatever you have or have not done. I know it's easier said than done. But, why give in to life and let the ******** win ? You deserve better and you can get it. It's hard, but it can be done. If this sounds cliche or stupid, then I'm sorry. But, suicide isn't worth it. I know I don't know you, but feel free to message me if you want. I might seem stupid, but I have suffered a lot in my life and I know the prison that you dwell in. So, try to look forward and forgive yourself.