Going to be gone for a while...

[Danielle]

I am so very sorry for all that you and your family have had to go through. None of this is easy, and shouldn't have ever had to happen. I am keeping you and your girls in my thoughts.

I know you are having a tough time right now, and I am so glad you are seeing a therapist and trying to talk things out. I'm worried for you where you say you've been getting into some trouble, at the bar etc..... I can't imagine what you and your family has been through, but your girls need you. I know you love them, it is so clear by the way you talk about them, and how affected you are by what happens to them.

Please keep seeing your therapist, and where as I will not ever tell you that you have to forgive... (that is impossible) but to try and stay well, to help your girls through some of the worst things they have been through in their lives. I don't know who you have for moral and emotional support, but you are all of that for your girls. Please continue to work toward being safe, taking meds if need be, going to therapy and keep reaching out for people to talk to, so that you can start to heal, and you can help your girls start to heal.

I am in no way passing any judgment here. What happened to your daughter is unbelievably tragic and the emotions that your younger daughter is having, is scary. Both girls require your strength to get through this. And you need them to get through this.

Please keep reaching out, please stay safe, and take such good care of you and your family.

Keeping you all in my thoughts.

 

[user 139760]

I am so very sorry for all that you and your family have had to go through.  None of this is easy, and shouldn't have ever had to  happen.  I am keeping you and your girls in my thoughts.

I know you are having a tough time right now, and I am so glad you are seeing a therapist and trying to talk things out. I'm worried for you where you say you've been getting into some trouble, at the bar etc.....          I can't imagine what you and your family has been through, but your girls need you.   I know you love them, it is so clear by the way you talk about them, and how affected you are by what happens to them.

Please keep seeing your therapist, and where as I will not ever tell you that you have to forgive... (that is impossible)  but to try and stay well, to help your girls through some of the worst things they have been through in their lives.      I don't know who you have for moral and emotional support, but you are all of that for your girls.  Please continue to work toward being safe, taking meds if need be, going to therapy and keep reaching out for people to talk to, so that you can start to heal, and you can help your girls start to heal.

I am in no way passing any judgment here.  What happened to your daughter is unbelievably tragic and the emotions that your younger daughter is having, is scary.    Both girls require your strength to get through this.  And you need them to get through this.

Please keep reaching out, please stay safe, and take such good care of you and your family.

Keeping you all in my thoughts.

That bit is actually funny. I'm not taking meds. I asked for them, honestly. They told me they were afraid of what it would do to me if they did. They're afraid I'll blow a gasket.
So it doesn't change much, really. Instead of having a substance crazed murder ploys, it'll be a cold, conscient murder ploy.
I'm doing the best I can. But every day is an exercise in restraint. It has been for years, but this is a new level. Sometimes, I'm so very tired of playing the good guy.
Thanks for the wishes.

 

[Danielle]

wow, that is unbelievable that a doctor would turn you away from meds, when you asked for them! That is a careless doctor. I can't imagine the stress and pain you are suffering.

Try and rest, and take good care.

 

[user 139760]

wow,  that is unbelievable that a doctor would turn you away from meds, when you asked for them!  That is a careless doctor.  I can't imagine the stress and pain you are suffering.

Try and rest, and take good care.

I'm good. For the moment.
I don't trust the meds all that much to be honest. I been compensating with beer. It works as long as I keep it under 4 a day.

 

[user 139760]

Seems like everyone is gunning for me.
I don't know what everyone's problem is. I mean, I'M TRYING, okay. Bad enough I have to get up for work every goddamn morning when I wish I didn't work another day in my life, but I'm trying not to get into trouble. I'm trying to be positive, to smile even though it's the last thing I feel like, to not randomly punch the first prick who looks at me funny.
Last friday coming back to work, some random guy on the street gives me crap. Because, according to him, I took too much time crossing the street while a car was waiting to turn, EVEN though I have priority as a pedestrian...he looks at me and goes " Attaboy, sport, he was ******* waiting for you! Couldn't you hurry up?" Of course, I'd been jogging anyway, but it wasn't apparently fast enough for the King of Nothing Hill. SO I walked in his face, two inches from it, barely in control and said "Why don't mind your own ******* business, you fat fresia?". He gave me a scared stare and backed away. I was pissed the rest of the evening.
Monday, guy swears at me on the street. For unclear reason, I couldn't hear him. This time I pinned him to the wall and asked him to please, repeat what he said. I wanted to be REALLY sure. He didn't. Against the bubbling rage I had, I let him go. Now, not 5 minutes ago, some random bum outside stops by asking for a smoke while I'm downstairs smoking with another guy. I don't bring him. ************ actually SWEARS at me. This time I tried catching up to him. I'd had it. I wanted to bust his face in. My friend, who's 3 feet taller than me, caught me and told me to let it go...

What the hell? Why is everyone looking for me? What is it, a test, a message? Am I supposed to blow a gasket and start popping people? After all the swearing I threw God's way in the last 3 months, did he decided he would check to see how much I can take before going nuts? Or is he telling me I should become the "Punisher For Pedos"?
I'm trying, I really am, but why the hell isn't anyone trying to make it goddamn easier?!?

Anyway, just needed to vent.

 

[user 139760]

LOng phone convo with my ex yesterday. The kids are being treated by the center for help to victims of criminal acts, by specialized child psychologists. Things are going well, so are they, probably far better than I'm faring. I refused the aid. I'm still seeing my sociologist, but he confirmed what I already knew and suspected; ain't nothing no one will say that will make me better. This is a weight and a scar I'll keep for the rest of my life. Only thing that matters is time. It might dull the pain, but it will never take it away. I'm probably going to feel uneasy as long as that monster still lives and I know I'll have thoughts of eliminating him until he's 6 feet under. I wish it were different. I wish none of this had ever happen, that I'd somehow have received the miracle foresight to prevent all of it.
Ironically, a show called Supernatural gave me insight on it; maybe it happened to me and my girls because, of all the people on Earth, we were strong enough to take it and not go insane. That or, you know, bad honeysuckle happens to good (or not so good, in my case) people.
My oldest is apparently suffering from PTSD, although she's managing well. More of a bother to me and something I don't agree with is the psychs told my ex she was suffering from dissociative disorder. I had a conversation with my daughter about it and explained to her it was something normal, something called "être dans la lune" in french, I don't know how to call it in english, something she's had far longer than the events and I've had all my life, but naturally psychologists being the first to bring every insignificant detail of your life back as a disorder, they were quick to stick her with it. Idiots. They say it's minor (of course it is, it isn't a disorder, but whatever) but it's something I'll have to work on. That's what sucks about having an ex who's a hypocondriaque, I'll have to try and fight someone who things everything in the world can be solved with pills....very annoying. Only pills I need are sleeping pills, maybe every 3-4 days when I've been up for 48-72.

My youngest is sadly, kind of like me. She has a dark side. She's mentionned to the shrinks a few times she wants to kill him and she's very honest. I'm sad that part of me landed in her, wish it hadn't. Ironically, at the same time, it'll make her strong. Hard to understand, but it does. I just hope it doesn't make her unhappy and she doesn't go through the hell I do to fight it. She deserves a happy life, not more troubles. I'm sure they'll give her some more pills, hell, Pills-2018 should be the new electoral motto. Now I get to spend a couple of years convincing her she can make herself happy and not need medication every day. Ironically, youngest knows this already (they're already pilling her up for the supposed ADHD and she hates it, says she feels stoned. Nice for a 9 year old), but my oldest I think is not so sarcastic or doubting when it comes to planet Earth. It makes her special, this innocence she has, but it'll give her a rude awakening someday (funny, I don't think she can get one more than she already has, but whatever).

We'll know on the 24th if he pleads guilty or not. I don't want to be there. I advised my ex not to go either. In her case, it'll reopen old wounds. In my case, I'll jump the barricare and murder him in court with my teeth. It was hard enough the first time. I don't think the second will go down well.
Anyone who cares, don't wish me luck; wish it for them. If you believe in God and prayer, do so for my kids. I don't need it and I'm not important anyway, they are. I hope somehow 20 years from now we'll laugh about all this, if I make it that far.

Oh...and pray for him. Because if I ever do get my chance to lay hands on him, after what I want to do, he'll need divine intervention to end his sufferings.

 

[TheLoadedDog]

Richard_39, our stories are wildly different, but I see my reflection in you more than in any other member on these boards. I'm not sure if I should be apologising for that or not....

 

[user 139760]

Richard_39, our stories are wildly different, but I see my reflection in you more than in any other member on these boards.  I'm not sure if I should be apologising for that or not....

Some days, I wonder too, my friend.
You know what my hop eis? That everything, for everyone, in the end, ends well. That someday we'll all be able to enjoy our respective times rocking in a chair on the front porch with a couple of beers in hand and laughing about how foolish we all were, because our lives will finally be going good and nice and quiet.
That's my wish...but somedays, I don't believe. It feels like the goal is way up Mount Olympus and I don't even have good shoes to climb it, much less the rope I'll need to get there.

Hope I'm wrong lol. ALWAYS hope I'm wrong. I appreciate your empathy and feel the same. Here's to that beer someday, man. If not, well...it'll be a funny ride when we burn in hell, I plan on playing poker with Einstein and Lenny from Motorhead ;-)

LOL Not to sound cliche or anything, but "just two good ole boys. Never meanin' no harm." and all that. Though unlike Bo or Luke Duke, I don't have a beautiful car ;-)

 

[dead]

<3

 

[user 139760]

HA!

I just got reproached an error I made 2 years ago at work.

They are definetely trying to figure out a way to fire me. Bastards. Guess it's unsurprising.

 

[TheLoadedDog]

You have nailed my one wish. More than anything in this world. I just want a freakin' QUIET LIFE.

Doesn't come my way though. Organ failure, smashed legs, getting arrested, divorced, crushed...

Yup. Just good ol' boys, never meanin' no harm....

 

[user 139760]

Someday, my friend. Someday. I know some days it feels like being Atlas and holding the world on your shoulders, but "that which does not kill us makes us stronger", right?
Someday. I lose hope sometimes. Kick myself, force myself to get it back.
Someday we'll have that beer on the porch and smile.

 

[TheLoadedDog]

"That which does not kill me makes me sick and irritable."

We will, my friend, we will. Good beer too. Hook me up with some decent Canadian microbrews.

 

[user 139760]

"That which does not kill me makes me sick and irritable."  

We will, my friend, we will.  Good beer too.  Hook me up with some decent Canadian microbrews.

LOL I wish I weren't saying this, but most of them are going under. Being bought out by the big guys. Microbreweries haven't been doing good in this Mondialisation context, like I'm sure a lot of locals in Aussie lands are. Our boys are being slowly bought out by Molson and foreing companies. Hell even Unibroue and Sleeman are now owned by a Japanese conglommerate, though most people aren't aware.
I can make a decent homemade Caribou, though. THAT is a drink secret I intend to pass down ;-)

 

[user 139760]

Funny afterthought, I spent an hour on the phone yesterday telling my best friend, whom I haven't seen in almost a year, about all this. I've known him since 4th year of high school. Hell of a friend. Kind of guy I like. Unpretentious. Uncompetitive on that whole "male alpha crap", because he's obviously a real man. Introspective. Deep. Funny. Knowledgeable. Just fun to be around. Always has your back.
He was as shattered as I felt. Like he said, like I always said, there are no words. Words don't really suffice, most of the time, for all this. I should have called him before, but my mind was racing most of the time and wasn't all there. But it felt great. I knew he'd have my back. He's always had my back.

When I hung up with him, like I often do when I'm self reflecting lol, I thought about that whole Bible parabole. You know, the one with the "when you see one set of tracks in the desert, it's because I'm carrying you", hope you know which one I mean. Funny how I look back, see several set of tracks because I see people, like you, like him, like others, have helped carry me when I stumbled. But the ones where I was alone...funny I know that they're mine, not some sandalled man from 2000 years ago. When I wonder things like that...I always wonder if I should be happy or scared. Happy, because I know who to thank for still being around today. Sad or scared because...well, I always wanted to believe there's something more to life than all this crap. Of course...I turn on the xbox and try and think about anything else after 5 mins of this lol. Easier than pondering this wacky f*ckfest.

 

[TheLoadedDog]

I miss my homebrew days. I was good at it. I used to rock the pure malt Yorkshire bitters and stouts.

North American mainstream beers are disgusting. All that rice malt. Actually, there was a funny thing. My local pub had ads above the urinals (you're kind of a captive audience). There was one for international phone plans. Bearing in mind that it was above a urinal, it said "this is what American beer tastes like. Call them and tell them."

Of course, before I get too smug, I should point out that there is only one thing as bad as North American beer, and that is Australian beer. Awful stuff. At least it's stronger though, so you forget how bad it is after a couple.

We do some good micros here. And also some bad ones. My homebrew was something I was proud of though, and at about 40c a pint, I had no complaints.

Not above some Bible parables. Not that I'm religious. If you want some good stuff, read the book of Nahum. One of the lesser known books, up the arse end of the Old Testament. It's cool because it is so angry. This is a God who has a hangover and has stubbed His toe. Angry as hell. And read it in the King James Version - one of the most beautiful things ever written. I read my KJV as literature, for pleasure.

 

[user 139760]

LOL Actually have the King James at home. Gift from my aunt long ways ago. Started reading it, but jammed at the "Abrahm, son of achad, son of dongma, born in the 5th to Loth, son of yadda yadda" lol. Reminds me of the beginning of the Illiad.
But I'll take a look tonight.
Funny. I used to read a ton. A good 300 pages would last me about 2 days. Just realized I haven't sat down to read in quite a while. Seems I don't really have the patience for it these days. Too jittery, I guess it's nerves. Between the trial coming up, taking care of my girls, trying to find a new job before they fire me and a new place before 1st of July and having the energy to do exactly NONE of those correctly. Let me tell you, a pint of awful Australian beer would do me a world of good. Was actually talking to my social worker about that. Didn't know if it was normal. That just getting up in the morning was a Herculean task sometimes, when I used to have so much energy. He replied not to push myself so hard, that I was lucky to be still standing so well, all things considered.
That I was strong to still be in one piece instead of still lying in the muck. Funny. Never thought of myself as "strong" before. Sure, I'd say it, but believe it? Hell no. Still don't, even though he's said it more than once.

And if I can't get anything done by July, if the guy gets a slap on the hand, if I get fired and don't get a new job, if I don't find a place to live and am force to do something I don't want, like go live with my folks way up north for a while, no internet no nothing...am I still supposed to think I'm strong? lol. Feels like failiure to me.

Friend of mine is real religious. Very pretty lady, a bit older than me, 45-ish I believe. Been single all her life, never could find decent guy worth trusting. We'd have dated, I like her well enough, but...tiny weeny too religious for me lol. Couple concepts she can't part from I couldn't accept. Anyways, she told me to open up to God during this trial. I admire her faith, really do. I used to have the same, long ago. After all this though? Hell. Wonder how I'm supposed to ever again. Even if my life were to do a complete 180 and I'd start farting flowers...there's always gonna be that thing that shouldn't happen to anyone ever, that did to the two people I cherish the most.

Remember when finding a job was all about going door to door with your C.V. in hand and talking with the owner of the place, then you start working 5 minutes latter? I miss those days.

 

[TheLoadedDog]

45 is older than you? That's impressive. I had you pictured much older. This is a compliment, by the way. You're an old soul. Wisdom.

I miss the old days. Walk in the door and get a job. Life was much more gentle then.

You are a thinker. Never lose that. I will fly across the Pacific and make it my personal duty to rain down all manner of hell upon you if you ever give up.

 

[user 139760]

LOL Tell that to my employers, HA! ;-) My thinking is something they seem to have taken an issue with. Can't fault them entirely, everything's complicated nowadays. Three years is a long time to wait to come out with it, though.

Thank you, I'll take the compliment. I'll admit don't really much feel like it lol. But I try. Most days I just feel tired. Since all this happened, feel like I'm 90. But no, I'll be 39 in May. I don't know if life was gentler, but it sure was simpler. Not so many questions. Not so many online applications, no ordering pizzas on your cellphone and a videotape was easier to understand than those super 30 button dvds lol. Rent didn't cost 800 a month for a 41/2. For those who kept the filthy smoking habit, you still could without people looking at you like your murdered their firstborn. And you in exchange were respectful enough to steer clear and not puff in their faces. You could still say hi to a lady on the subway or a man on the street without people thinking you're an ax murderer.
Mostly, thought...people TOOK time. Lots don't anymore. Everyone's too busy now.

"Never give up. Never Surrender". Tim Allen in Galaxy Quest ;-)
I don't give up. Scrappy little Canadian Wolverine, right? lol. I got responsibilities now, I can't give up. I'd be lying if I said thought never crossed my mind. But those kids need to have better done by them. Especially now.

So, I'll stick around until I eventually end up in a home for old people when they come visit once every 6 months to check if I croaked yet, and all will be as should be in the world LOL.

 

[user 139760]

Alright.
So, I was suspended without pay for a day. Supposedly, I failed to notice an error that someone else made in two years ago and shouldn't have. Enough that they consider it warranted to suspend me. So it's obvious to me now they want to fire me. Law states any employee with more than 2 years emploi needs a very good reason to get fired, so their aiming incompetence. Funny that before all this started I was getting thrown flowers my way all the time. Nice.
Court hearing was yesterday. He pleaded guilty. Judge said the severity was enough that it warranted immediate incarceration. So he's in jail right now. I also know where he's being sent. Probably one of the worst holes in this province. So with luck, by this time next week, couple of Hells will have skinned him alive. Everyone knows what happens to people who touch kids.
I barely listened during the hearing. I had the shakes. I could barely contain myself. I stared right at him. Pretty sure I was half snarling again, except when I smiled at him. I stared at him for at least 15 minutes, until he stared back. Then he saw. I know he did. Because all the while he had this cocky, disinterested attitude about him. Then he saw the beast. Then he got nervous and scared. He knows I would have done away with the trial entirely if I had had the opportunity. He knows what's waiting for him when he gets out. If he has the least bit of intelligence, he'll die inside.
I also learned some details of what happened that I didn't know. It was hard to sit down and listen to and not act. A previous version of me wouldn't have hesitated a second, no matter who was watching. Some categories of beings don't deserve a place walking among normal people. It's so simple not to touch children, I can't fathom, I don't understand..."They're sick", many will say, I'm sorry, but that's not enough. Really is not enough for me. Someone trusts you, implicitely in the case of children and you go on and do the single most despicable thing on Earth....there's no forgiving that. Not ever. Not in my case.

My daughter didn't say a word all the while. Except when she cried. When I hugged her, she told me it was anger. Red hot. She didn't want a trial either. She wants his head on a pike for what he did. After hearing new details of what went down, so do I.
But we'll be good. We'll try to put this behind us. Try to move forward. But if I ever hear his name again, there's not going to be a repeat of it. If he values anything, he'll never set foot in the same city as I am. Because I'll find him. I'll show him why they used to call me something else than Richard. I'll make him miss prison and everything it'll do to him.

So, right now, concentrating on finding a new job. Depending on how things go, I might very well disappear again for a good long while, if I get sacked and don't find anything for a little time. I can't afford the web at home. I need to find a new home anyway. So lots of uncertainty, more than a lil amount of stress. Hmph. I came back to try and find stability. Nice to see my employers giving me a hand...
In light of all this, though, been mulling something over the last few months, I just don't know how to make it happen, what with the child support and the time it would take me. I enjoy being on this site, I don't know if I help people or not, but I like to think I do, sometimes This has given me a new perspective into people and I would like to help them. To protect them, in the case of children. Maybe I should try it as a profession.
So I'm considering, once I find a stable enough job that leaves me with a bit more money, to go back to school. Maybe try a career as a social worker. It's a BAA, which means several years...but maybe I can. I do have the will and it feels to me more like a real impact, a lot more than the meaningless admin jobs I've always had and not really cared about. I'll start investigating the possibilities.