Happiness outside of relationships

[VeganAtheist]

It seems that I am unable to find happiness outside of a committed, romantic relationship. It's unhealthy. It's scary.

I have never been a particularly happy person. Yes, I have had moments of happiness but I have never really been happy with life. In fact, I often prefer not living at all. It's been this way since I was a child. I would often wish that I were no longer living. I am not sure why since my childhood wasn't particularly bad.

The only part of my life that I can say that I have been happy for an extended period of time has been within romantic relationships, especially the last one. It's possibly one of the reasons she is no longer with me is because she sensed that need. It is probably the reason why this breakup has destroyed me so much.

I am not sure where I should go from here. I have tried to "find happiness within". Frankly, most/all of the tips/methods are bullshit using fluffy language.
Dating isn't going to help because A) Not many would like to go out with me B) I don't deserve to date at the moment

I don't know what to do. I really want to withdraw from society altogether.

Any tips on how to get my mojo back? Any paths to happiness?

 

[Rainbows]

In my honest opinion..
You shouldn't need a romantic relationship to feel happy. I think maybe it's something you need to work on? Feeling happy by yourself?

I find happiness within small things. Writing, watching tv shows, making other people happy..

 

[Tiina63]

Many people say that happiness comes from within and that we don't need someone else to feel happy and fulfilled, but I feel the same way that you do. As over 90% of people get married or live with someone at some point in their lives, I would guess that a lot of people feel as we do as well. Somehow it is no longer the done thing to admit to feeling unhappy and lonely when you have noone to share your life with, but wanting to love and to be loved is a fundamental human need and trying to deny it only increases our pain.
To me you come across as perfectly normal and I think that many others feel the same way inside but are not as honest as you are in admitting to their feelings.

 

[VeganAtheist]

In my honest opinion..
You shouldn't need a romantic relationship to feel happy. I think maybe it's something you need to work on? Feeling happy by yourself?

I find happiness within small things. Writing, watching tv shows, making other people happy..

I am curious, though... Is finding happiness within other things so much different? With the exception of writing, you are still relying upon something/someone outside of yourself to obtain happiness.

Making other people happy was one of the reasons I had happiness within the romantic relationship. While I am certain I could find other means of making people happy, I haven't found another way that also provides me with a lasting happiness.

Many people say that happiness comes from within and that we don't need someone else to feel happy and fulfilled, but I feel the same way that you do. As over 90% of people get married or live with someone at some point in their lives, I would guess that a lot of people feel as we do as well. Somehow it is no longer the done thing to admit to feeling unhappy and lonely when you have noone to share your life with, but wanting to love and to be loved is a fundamental human need and trying to deny it only increases our pain.
To me you come across as perfectly normal and I think that many others feel the same way inside but are not as honest as you are in admitting to their feelings.

I remember watching a documentary about happiness, specifically a segment about happiness in regards to relationships. Humans are wired in such a way that relationships are near critical to their overall well being and longevity. Finding happiness within yourself, while noble, won't fix that fundamental human need. So I mostly agree with you. Most people need that person, I think.

 

[Nicolelt]

In my honest opinion..
You shouldn't need a romantic relationship to feel happy. I think maybe it's something you need to work on? Feeling happy by yourself?

I find happiness within small things. Writing, watching tv shows, making other people happy..

Yes! I think I am a all-together happy person, and I have no need for a romantic relationship. Yea, they are nice, but not necessary for my happiness, and that is healthy. You shouldn't have to depend on a person for your happiness, because what if that person fails?

I like me. No, I love me. I am a really awesome person! And one day, another awesome person will come along and we will have an awesome relationship. But until then I'm just "doing me". So I go and take care of myself and do things I enjoy (and there are tons of things you can do alone that are fun). And to be honest, happy people, that are happy with who they are, are more attractive. They have a presence about them that make people gravitate towards them. And then guess what, you may get a romantic relationship out of that.

It's one of those vicious circle deals.

 

[Ymir]

You have to find yourself again. Learn to love your own company and enjoy stuff for its own sake instead of enjoying things because you are with someone else... Which I know that is very hard to do but it's a process. If you start trying, you'll get it right eventually.

Plus you are greatly misinterpreting the message of the documentary. You can receive love from family and friends. There is love outside romantic relationships and you can share your life with people who aren't romantic partners. Depending so much on romantic relationships IS unhealthy no matter how normal and regular people make it look like.

 

[Human]

I would say, happy relationship are generally composed of people who are already happy outside of a relationship. People who aren't happy outside of relationship aren't happy inside of a relationship. Generally speaking, magic wand solutions to happiness doesn't work.

 

[VeganAtheist]

You have to find yourself again. Learn to love your own company and enjoy stuff for its own sake instead of enjoying things because you are with someone else... Which I know that is very hard to do but it's a process. If you start trying, you'll get it right eventually.

Plus you are greatly misinterpreting the message of the documentary. You can receive love from family and friends. There is love outside romantic relationships and you can share your life with people who aren't romantic partners. Depending so much on romantic relationships IS unhealthy no matter how normal and regular people make it look like.

That is not something I have ever been able to do, even with help. It doesn't seem likely that it is something that I will be able to accomplish.

I don't think I am misinterpreting the message of the documentary at all. I know that you can receive love from family and friends. I never disputed that. I know that there is love outside of romantic relationships. However, those relationships don't always fulfill that need for everyone. I have family and a couple of friends that I love dearly. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop this feeling. Also, the documentary does specifically mention romantic relationships.

I am not so sure depending on romantic relationships so much is unhealthy anymore. Why? How is it any different than other close relationships in that regard?

---

I would say, happy relationship are generally composed of people who are already happy outside of a relationship. People who aren't happy outside of relationship aren't happy inside of a relationship. Generally speaking, magic wand solutions to happiness doesn't work.

I don't know. That seems like a blanket statement that isn't applicable to everyone. For myself, I was very happy inside of a relationship. Very happy. The happiest I have ever been and it showed.

 

[Ymir]

Depending so much on any kind of relationship is unhealthy. No one is saying the same doesn't apply to friendships and family, because it does. There must be a balance, and not a fixation in just one thing that you can't even be happy if you don't have it.

But let's stop here. You clearly made up your mind already and you are not going anywhere if you don't accept you have a problem first. And no "I have a problem. But is it REALLY a problem?" doesn't count.

 

[VeganAtheist]

Depending so much on any kind of relationship is unhealthy. No one is saying the same doesn't apply to friendships and family, because it does. There must be a balance, and not a fixation in just one thing that you can't even be happy if you don't have it.

But let's stop here. You clearly made up your mind already and you are not going anywhere if you don't accept you have a problem first. And no "I have a problem. But is it REALLY a problem?" doesn't count.

There must be a balance. Okay. I can understand that. What does that entail? How, in your opinion, would one achieve it?

I haven't made up my mind on anything, really. I am simply asking questions.
I don't know anything really. I really don't. That's the whole point... I don't know and I wish I did.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I am happy, nearly always. Too many things in my life that I enjoy to be miserable.
A woman in my life, a nice woman would be lovely but it doesn't stop me feeling good.

 

[somber_radiance]

I can relate in some way. There's nothing really that perks me up anymore. Everything just feels so anticlimactic. The days I laugh and feel alive keep dwindling. But I'm still highly functional...it's just like my world has turned from high def color to boring greys. Sometimes I think it's a form of depression (or other psychological issue),...Maybe you and I would benefit from talking with a therapist/psychologist?

 

[Outcast]

I can relate to how you feel too. I try an focus my energy on other things that make me happy, maybe it's helping people, a hobby I really enjoy or going out with a few friends. Anything to keep my mind off of it that brings me a sense of satisfaction. Self acceptance may be a part of it too, realize that you don't always NEED to be in a relationship. Being single is okay, it lets you focus on yourself .

One of the things I do is put all my effort towards my job/career. It leads to you being successful and respected where you work, at least it did for me. Which in turn brought me happiness.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I feel the same way you do. People are social animals and need relationships which are satisfying and fulfilling and there is a limit on how much you can rely on yourself to make yourself happy. And you should rely on yourself as much as possible for your own happiness but that doesn't mean you can rely on only yourself. I struggle. I live alone. I'm lonely. I take care of myself and do my best to be strong and independent but I have plenty of moments when I feel so sad I have to cry and it's my way of coping. Of course I do this only when I'm alone because I would never want to burden my sadness on another person. And there are definitely benefits to a romantic relationship such as being able to give and receive affection and lots of it, physical and emotional intimacy combined with a very close friendship with someone you're highly attracted to and you are not wrong for wanting this and don't let anyone make you feel you shouldn't desire this. It's actually better to accept what you are feeling than it is to fight against it because you will only make your feelings stronger by fighting them. At the same time try to find as much happiness as you can outside of being in a romantic relationship because it's necessary for your own well being and happy people are more attractive. And as a social being you should seek out connections with others of a non-romantic nature, this means both men and women. They are just as valuable. You have to build a social network of people to make more connections, the more the better because this can also lead to a romantic relationship as people can introduce you to people. And if it doesn't at least you will connect with other human beings in the name of friendships or even just to make acquaintances and get practice interacting with other people and satisfy that basic social animal need for connection, does not have to be romantic. I'm reading a book, it's for women but much of this advice can apply to men. The truth is the secret to finding that person you're looking to have a relationship with is in your social network. The less people you meet and interact with the lower your chances of finding that person, the more people you meet and interact with the better your chances. Find community if you can. Join something, volunteer. Talk to more people and be sure to talk to people you're not attracted to because they need attention too and also because you shouldn't wait until you get on stage to rehearse your lines. Of course it's easier said than done to tell someone to work on their social skills. It's a continuous challenge for me.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I'm not happy because I waited so long not even knowing that the kind of girls I liked existed at all, found out they do exist, found out they were willing to talk to me, only to watch them all go from single to taken. I just....it sucks. I feel like that was my opportunity and now it's just gone. I have to just sit and wait and hope they break up. I've checked the dating sites several times. I've gone to parties. And I haven't found anyone exciting at all, let alone anyone who even close to being like them, who had everything I was looking for. The only choice I have now is to just bs my way through a mediocre relationship that I couldn't be any less thrilled to be in, or just give up completely and be single for the rest of my life.

So I guess I have to be happy outside of a relationship, otherwise I'm going to be unhappy for a long, long time. Possibly forever. I just wish I was competent enough to have avoided this in the first place. It was like having a winning lottery ticket within inches of my grasp, or a chance to be a part of the next great band, or the idea of the next great invention. I was this close to being set. I could have had it all. Man.

 

[Blossomforth]

Relationships don't lead to happiness, especially if you're not happy while your'e single.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Relationships don't lead to happiness, especially if you're not happy while your'e single.

I don't think this is a universal truth for everybody. I believe it is the responsibility of a single person to find as much happiness as possible while being single. But this doesn't mean that some peoples lives haven't changed for the better as soon as they met someone special.

 

[edamame721]

I think it's normal to feel unhappy or lonely when you're single, but it's true that you should try to be as happy as you can alone before entering a relationship because it puts pressure on the other person. Remember, not only is your romantic partner your support but you are also their support. I would suggest trying to strengthen your non-romantic relationships (with friends and family) and also setting up some goals for yourself so you can feel accomplished and meaningful. They don't have to be big goals.

BTW, I'm single and I know how you feel. But I've also been around friends who mope about being single and that has also drained the happiness out of our relationship. Try to cherish who you do have. *hugs*

 

[VeganAtheist]

I'm not happy because I waited so long not even knowing that the kind of girls I liked existed at all, found out they do exist, found out they were willing to talk to me, only to watch them all go from single to taken. I just....it sucks. I feel like that was my opportunity and now it's just gone. I have to just sit and wait and hope they break up. I've checked the dating sites several times. I've gone to parties. And I haven't found anyone exciting at all, let alone anyone who even close to being like them, who had everything I was looking for. The only choice I have now is to just bs my way through a mediocre relationship that I couldn't be any less thrilled to be in, or just give up completely and be single for the rest of my life.

So I guess I have to be happy outside of a relationship, otherwise I'm going to be unhappy for a long, long time. Possibly forever. I just wish I was competent enough to have avoided this in the first place. It was like having a winning lottery ticket within inches of my grasp, or a chance to be a part of the next great band, or the idea of the next great invention. I was this close to being set. I could have had it all. Man.

I am not sure what kind of lady you are looking for specifically but there are probably more out there than you would think. Humans aren't as unique as we think we are. We are all mostly alike, I think. That said, you may like a type of woman that is more difficult to find than average for various reasons. I hope you find that lady.

At one point, I had that "lottery ticket". I was in that "next great band". I had the idea of the "next great invention". But I lost the ticket. I was kicked out of the band and replaced. I have no memories of that great invention nor the motivation. It sucks.

I think it's normal to feel unhappy or lonely when you're single, but it's true that you should try to be as happy as you can alone before entering a relationship because it puts pressure on the other person. Remember, not only is your romantic partner your support but you are also their support. I would suggest trying to strengthen your non-romantic relationships (with friends and family) and also setting up some goals for yourself so you can feel accomplished and meaningful. They don't have to be big goals.

BTW, I'm single and I know how you feel. But I've also been around friends who mope about being single and that has also drained the happiness out of our relationship. Try to cherish who you do have. *hugs*

I am having trouble being happy while single. I simply don't know how. I don't see a path to happiness alone. I am putting in effort but nothing seems to be working.
I would hate to be a burden to a romantic partner, putting pressure on them for my happiness. I would like to think that I didn't do that in my last relationship but who knows... It is hard to see from inside the relationship and I am not in a position where I can perform a thorough autopsy of the now dead relationship. Maybe that was part of the problem? I don't know.

I guess the one good thing is that I don't mope about being single. I tend to keep all of my problems internal, hidden. So unless they are peaking behind the mask.....

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I'm not happy because I waited so long not even knowing that the kind of girls I liked existed at all, found out they do exist, found out they were willing to talk to me, only to watch them all go from single to taken. I just....it sucks. I feel like that was my opportunity and now it's just gone. I have to just sit and wait and hope they break up. I've checked the dating sites several times. I've gone to parties. And I haven't found anyone exciting at all, let alone anyone who even close to being like them, who had everything I was looking for. The only choice I have now is to just bs my way through a mediocre relationship that I couldn't be any less thrilled to be in, or just give up completely and be single for the rest of my life.

So I guess I have to be happy outside of a relationship, otherwise I'm going to be unhappy for a long, long time. Possibly forever. I just wish I was competent enough to have avoided this in the first place. It was like having a winning lottery ticket within inches of my grasp, or a chance to be a part of the next great band, or the idea of the next great invention. I was this close to being set. I could have had it all. Man.

I am not sure what kind of lady you are looking for specifically but there are probably more out there than you would think. Humans aren't as unique as we think we are. We are all mostly alike, I think. That said, you may like a type of woman that is more difficult to find than average for various reasons. I hope you find that lady.

At one point, I had that "lottery ticket". I was in that "next great band". I had the idea of the "next great invention". But I lost the ticket. I was kicked out of the band and replaced. I have no memories of that great invention nor the motivation. It sucks.

I think it's normal to feel unhappy or lonely when you're single, but it's true that you should try to be as happy as you can alone before entering a relationship because it puts pressure on the other person. Remember, not only is your romantic partner your support but you are also their support. I would suggest trying to strengthen your non-romantic relationships (with friends and family) and also setting up some goals for yourself so you can feel accomplished and meaningful. They don't have to be big goals.

BTW, I'm single and I know how you feel. But I've also been around friends who mope about being single and that has also drained the happiness out of our relationship. Try to cherish who you do have. *hugs*

I am having trouble being happy while single. I simply don't know how. I don't see a path to happiness alone. I am putting in effort but nothing seems to be working.
I would hate to be a burden to a romantic partner, putting pressure on them for my happiness. I would like to think that I didn't do that in my last relationship but who knows... It is hard to see from inside the relationship and I am not in a position where I can perform a thorough autopsy of the now dead relationship. Maybe that was part of the problem? I don't know.

I guess the one good thing is that I don't mope about being single. I tend to keep all of my problems internal, hidden. So unless they are peaking behind the mask.....

I'm not truly happy alone either. There is too much silence when I come home and when I wake from sleeping and I currently only have my cats to be affectionate with. But I try to do whatever it takes to be as happy as possible even if it only means the difference between being totally miserable and being in general not happy but there are some happy moments. I don't want to burden anyone either. I don't think I would be. I'm pretty good about respecting another's need for space as I tend to need a certain amount of space too in a relationship or even in a friendship.