MentatsGhoul
Well-known member
It's so surreal how I'm in the exact same situation as last year. Made no friends over the year, probably gonna lose contact with my flatmates, lost the girl I loved due to my own selfishness and inability to cope with a situation, trying to reach out to people online, but most of them just make me feel worse and emotionally manipulate me. Different flatmates, different girl, different set of people, but exact same outcome. Well, slightly worse. I made a suicide attempt last month, I never got to that stage before.
But, there is hope. I have a goal, a purpose I guess. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere, but I am excited for it. Maybe that was what was missing all along. But... that's the kind of honeysuckle I've told myself every year. "You didn't succeed because you were too closed off"... "Okay, you were more open and friendly this year, but you still failed because you didn't put yourself out there enough"... "Okay, you put yourself out there, but you failed because you weren't smiling or making conversation enough" and on and on and on like this, every year since my mid-teens. When experience has made your subconscious expect failure, then how the fresia can you possibly convince yourself things will be okay this time around? If nothing else, if seriously not one thing else, not other people, not books or inspirational youtube videos or whatever else, we learn from our own experiences, and my experiences have almost invariably led me to disappointment. Each year gets harder, I didn't expect to survive this year if nothing changed, and I'm still surprised I did.
I don't want to die. But I wish I died that day. If that makes any sense. The idea of being released from all this bullshit, a week before I turned twenty, with one friend left who was disappearing on me more and more each day. I wasn't too scared. I knew that I probably didn't take enough and would survive. But I honestly felt quite peaceful. Just "okay, you might just fade away now, be ready for it". Well, I survived, I made it to my twenties. That friend is gone from my life and probably hates me. And I'm starting all over, again. The cycle repeats itself. Unless it doesn't. Unless things get better, or I finally die. But either is preferable to things going on like this. Either is preferable to going on the same way as before. But, I guess I don't want to die. I want to live. But this isn't living
But, there is hope. I have a goal, a purpose I guess. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere, but I am excited for it. Maybe that was what was missing all along. But... that's the kind of honeysuckle I've told myself every year. "You didn't succeed because you were too closed off"... "Okay, you were more open and friendly this year, but you still failed because you didn't put yourself out there enough"... "Okay, you put yourself out there, but you failed because you weren't smiling or making conversation enough" and on and on and on like this, every year since my mid-teens. When experience has made your subconscious expect failure, then how the fresia can you possibly convince yourself things will be okay this time around? If nothing else, if seriously not one thing else, not other people, not books or inspirational youtube videos or whatever else, we learn from our own experiences, and my experiences have almost invariably led me to disappointment. Each year gets harder, I didn't expect to survive this year if nothing changed, and I'm still surprised I did.
I don't want to die. But I wish I died that day. If that makes any sense. The idea of being released from all this bullshit, a week before I turned twenty, with one friend left who was disappearing on me more and more each day. I wasn't too scared. I knew that I probably didn't take enough and would survive. But I honestly felt quite peaceful. Just "okay, you might just fade away now, be ready for it". Well, I survived, I made it to my twenties. That friend is gone from my life and probably hates me. And I'm starting all over, again. The cycle repeats itself. Unless it doesn't. Unless things get better, or I finally die. But either is preferable to things going on like this. Either is preferable to going on the same way as before. But, I guess I don't want to die. I want to live. But this isn't living
