Has anyone here gotten used to "the stare"?

[SomeoneSomewhere]

I don't know why but when people look at me, I feel like they're staring at an alien creature or at an oddball. I've never felt like I'm just another fellow being they're "just looking at". I feel a cold, distant stare that I can almost feel burning through my skin at times (it doesn't bother me so much now because I no longer care).

The reason I'm putting this in the relationship section and not in the social anxiety/shyness section is because it happens more when girls look at me. I can't tell if a girl is even taking a remote interest in me (and I often end up misinterpreting it) and when a girl looks at me, I just go back to the schoolboy who girls used to stare at because he was weird. And because it feels so distant and cold, I reciprocate it back by looking disinterested and like I don't care.

I don't know if it's all just in my head or if it happens for real but has anyone else here dealt with it? Have any solutions to the problem?

 

[Runciter]

I've just replied to your other thread, I think we have had a lot in common. I used to be overly concerned with what the different signs and signals people gave me meant. It was a nightmare. Was that look because she fancies me or because she is considering phoning the police?

I've only got one piece of advice for this one, but it has really helped me: fresia what people think. Be yourself and if they can't deal with it then you don't need them in your life.

 

[deprimise]

I've been through the same thing man. The thing is that you have to practice telling people to f*** off. Like even in your mind. Like you're ordering food and the person behind you in line is giving you a weird look and you have no clue what they're thinking about you. Just think something along the lines of this ... "F*** you, b****. Better wait for me to f***ing finish." I learned that the more you bad talk random strangers in your mind, the less you care about how they look at you. But again, not sure if they don't like you, or if they do? Talk to them, say hi or something. Depending on their tone of voice and how they react to you can usually give away what they're thinking about. If they're polite and happy, they probably weren't thinking something bad. If they're kind pushed back and slow to respond to you, they probably don't like you. Which I believe you can choose to do 2 options. 1. Tell them to f*** off, or something of equal means, to their face. or 2. just say it in your mind, like before. although they won't hear the way you feel, you'll feel some relief of telling them off in your own way.
Just my 2 cents.

 

[Iceman1978]

I've had the same thing happen to me.

Just last night actually when I was at a bar that I frequent. I've noticed women staring at me before and it always makes me uncomfortable.

 

[mountainvista]

As far as "The Stare" goes, I tell myself that they're just blinded by the vibrancy of my hair. haha

What bothers me more than the stare is laughter, as in, you walk by a group or a handful of people, and they laugh. Even though the rational part of my brain tells me that it is likely purely coincidental, the insecure, paranoid remainder of my brain is certain that they're laughing at me, wondering how something so hideous could be let out of her cage.

 

[Locke]

I get "The Stare", but I haven't figured out a way to deal with it. In my case, its a reflection of the things I dislike about myself, and its so closely tied to my low self esteem that telling myself "Who gives a **** what anyone thinks!" just doesn't work.

Working on your confidence might be the answer for you, too. Although try telling yourself that you don't care what anyone thinks. I'm not bashing that approach, it works for some people.

 

[9006]

Well people stare for some reason, but of course they're not all bad.

The way I see it for a guy to stare at you it either means:

• He's one of those alpha males who tries to intimate his opponent;
• He's sizing you up/trying to cause trouble;
• You stand out in some way;
• He's in a trance and doesn't realize;
• He's gay & attracted to you.

For a woman to do this:

• She's one of those immature tom-boys who uses the sex difference to intimidate you knowing you "cant" do anything;
• She thinks she recognizes you;
• She's in a trance and doesn't realize;
• She's trying to get your attention;
• You stand out in some way;
• She's attracted to you.

 

[duff]

I don't know why but when people look at me, I feel like they're staring at an alien creature or at an oddball. I've never felt like I'm just another fellow being they're "just looking at". I feel a cold, distant stare that I can almost feel burning through my skin at times (it doesn't bother me so much now because I no longer care).

The reason I'm putting this in the relationship section and not in the social anxiety/shyness section is because it happens more when girls look at me. I can't tell if a girl is even taking a remote interest in me (and I often end up misinterpreting it) and when a girl looks at me, I just go back to the schoolboy who girls used to stare at because he was weird. And because it feels so distant and cold, I reciprocate it back by looking disinterested and like I don't care.

I don't know if it's all just in my head or if it happens for real but has anyone else here dealt with it? Have any solutions to the problem?

The only solution is to pretend it isn't happening. Or ignore people who do it.

When I was younger people would stare all the time. When I walked into a room, I noticed it straight away. I work in retail now and when I am serving at the cash till, people look at me all the time. Some people also do a double take, they look away and look back. It's because I am ugly or at best 'silly looking' with my hair as it is. I have this default 'frown' on my face, a strange speaking voice, a 'pissed off' demeanour. People look because of this. There is nothing I can do but ignore these people.

 

[Solivagant]

I've started staring back.

People can't normally hold a gaze directly in the eyes for more than a second or two without feeling uncomfortable, so they usually turn away pretty quickly. It helps me feel like I've done more about it than just try to ignore it.

Of course people stare for different reasons, as 9006 said. Some people might think they know you from somewhere and are trying to place you (which can account for the puzzled expression on their face), or they might be zoned out and not actually staring at "you". I've caught myself staring for both those reasons, so it's better to try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Other times it's very obvious that the stares are not innocent. Oftentimes I'll walk in somewhere and people will stare at me disgustedly or like I'm crazy, like how dare I think I belong in there.

I've never gotten used to it. I've tried things like telling myself "They're jerks anyway," and etc., which used to work well enough when I was in school, but not so much anymore. I inevitably start having an inward conversation with myself about my own worth, whether it's really true that they're jerks or maybe I just really am an outcast who's never going to belong to the human race. What I find works best now is to "change the subject" to a totally different train of thought; just continue with the task at hand and focus on whatever I was there to do, and try not to mull over what may or may not be wrong with me.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I basically have stopped caring. I look weird, and they are just recognizing it.

 

[Runciter]

You know, instead of wondering about their intentions, thinking hostile thoughts or just ignoring them you might just try to just smile at them. If they're starting because they think you're a freak it will most likely throw them completely off and if they're staring for any other reason you might get a smile back, or even spark up a conversation. It's only a smile, what have you got to lose?

 

[davey]

You know, instead of wondering about their intentions, thinking hostile thoughts or just ignoring them you might just try to just smile at them. If they're starting because they think you're a freak it will most likely throw them completely off and if they're staring for any other reason you might get a smile back, or even spark up a conversation. It's only a smile, what have you got to lose?

 

[Iceman1978]

One thing that I struggle with is that I always assume women are thinking badly of me when they stare at me.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

One thing that I struggle with is that I always assume women are thinking badly of me when they stare at me.

I struggle with this as well, unless they say or treat me otherwise.

 

[edgecrusher]

I don't really get "the stare" but I often feel "alien" as you put it. I've never really felt like I belonged anywhere and I rarely make a legitimate connection with anyone.

 

[SomeoneSomewhere]

Thank you guys, some great advice there. I feel like most of my problems come from ignoring people. I just walk looking in a straight line even when there are a million people around (so I'm basically ignoring everyone else) and that looks extremely weird, one of the reasons people stare so much at me now. And because I've started ignoring them so much, I almost shut myself down even when I'm in a crowded place and it isn't the best thing you can to yourself do in terms of your own safety.

I've tried the staring back technique too and it works, when you are a confident individual. I had another thread in a different section where I talked about how good things were for me 2 years ago and that's when I employed it the most. I'd recognize the stare instantly and I'd stare back until the person looked away. It was awesome! But too bad I can't do that now...

You know, instead of wondering about their intentions, thinking hostile thoughts or just ignoring them you might just try to just smile at them. If they're starting because they think you're a freak it will most likely throw them completely off and if they're staring for any other reason you might get a smile back, or even spark up a conversation. It's only a smile, what have you got to lose?

You might find it funny but smiling doesn't come naturally to me. I've tried smiling for the last 2 years and whenever I've smiled (or when I do now), I just feel like it isn't real or like I'm being fake, because, as I said before, it isn't natural for me. So in this dispute of "should I or shouldn't I?", when I do try to smile, it comes out looking even more weird. So I just carry with the stern, snobbish frown on my face.

One thing that I struggle with is that I always assume women are thinking badly of me when they stare at me.

I struggle with this as well, unless they say or treat me otherwise.

One of the reasons why I started this thread, I do too. But the weird thing is, when I catch a girl who I see often staring at me, I automatically assume that she is attracted to me (I feel like it could be a stronger "weird stare" but because I get it so much, I get all delusional about it).

 

[Solivagant]

You might find it funny but smiling doesn't come naturally to me. I've tried smiling for the last 2 years and whenever I've smiled (or when I do now), I just feel like it isn't real or like I'm being fake, because, as I said before, it isn't natural for me. So in this dispute of "should I or shouldn't I?", when I do try to smile, it comes out looking even more weird.

Same here!

Personally, for some reason it feels worse when I get the same reaction after smiling at someone. Perhaps because smiling was such an effort in the first place.

I've tried the staring back technique too and it works, when you are a confident individual. I had another thread in a different section where I talked about how good things were for me 2 years ago and that's when I employed it the most. I'd recognize the stare instantly and I'd stare back until the person looked away. It was awesome! But too bad I can't do that now...

Funny you should say that, because my confidence isn't very high at all, and things are far from good for me. I think my own employment of the "stare back technique" is more a response to being entirely fed up with people than anything to do with confidence. Though it too takes some effort, as Asperger's can make eye contact difficult (almost painful), on top of being self-conscious and socially anxious. I had to practice.

---

One thing that I struggle with is that I always assume women are thinking badly of me when they stare at me.

I struggle with this as well, unless they say or treat me otherwise.

One of the reasons why I started this thread, I do too.

Why is that?

 

[ladyforsaken]

I've only got one piece of advice for this one, but it has really helped me: fresia what people think. Be yourself and if they can't deal with it then you don't need them in your life.

My sentiments exactly. This advice has earned a free space in my sig.

Well people stare for some reason, but of course they're not all bad.

The way I see it for a guy to stare at you it either means:

• He's one of those alpha males who tries to intimate his opponent;
• He's sizing you up/trying to cause trouble;
• You stand out in some way;
• He's in a trance and doesn't realize;
• He's gay & attracted to you.

For a woman to do this:

• She's one of those immature tom-boys who uses the sex difference to intimidate you knowing you "cant" do anything;
• She thinks she recognizes you;
• She's in a trance and doesn't realize;
• She's trying to get your attention;
• You stand out in some way;
• She's attracted to you.

That is quite a comprehensive list there, Mike. Possibilities, yes.

You know, instead of wondering about their intentions, thinking hostile thoughts or just ignoring them you might just try to just smile at them. If they're starting because they think you're a freak it will most likely throw them completely off and if they're staring for any other reason you might get a smile back, or even spark up a conversation. It's only a smile, what have you got to lose?

You know what, this is actually what I do at times. Haha.. it's funny though. Sometimes they will just frown and then stop staring. Sometimes, they smile back - seeming as though they were in a daze or something.

I've not read much of the other posts in this thread, but I'll just say this, I don't like be stared at and I always do when I take the public trains here - I don't know what their problem is but I always stare back at them (when I feel like it) to make them feel uncomfortable, or I just ignore and mind my own business, pretending that they either adore me or is interested in my every move and shamelessly feel flattered by it. Honestly.

Just do your thing.

 

[Peaches]

mmm, for many years I also thought that people were looking at me strangely, then one day in a pub, club, I don't remember, I saw myself in the mirror: I was doing the stare! probably because I was so obsessed with what the others would think, that I was scrutinizing all the people, no wonder they would look back at me and stare. Now I try not to look at people so much anymore, and I don't get the "stare" much. I never realized I was staring first, but then I understood it comes with social anxiety, I was looking around for possible dangers in the room or space, instead of actually acknowledging people's existence with a direct contact, people would notice subconsciously and stare back, sometimes with curiosity, sometimes with hostility, thinking "why the hell are you staring at me"?

Aside from this possibility, I like Mike's list, and I would like to add:
6) you forgot to put on one piece of clothing (it happened to me yesterday after yoga class, wardrobe malfunction, this guy in the street was staring, I was annoyed then I realized, oops)
7) you are so awesome/interesting it is difficult not to look at you
8) that person is looking for their soulmate/best friend/something to give them something, so they stare at all the people around hoping to find her/him
9) you have parsley in your teeth or chocolate on your mouth (that also happened)

 

[Runciter]

You guys think I find smiling at people easy? Well I do now, haven't always, but since I started I've been amazed at how many people smile back and you'd be surprised how nice it makes you feel.

Once you start getting smiles back, you would be amazed at how little you care about what the judgmental people think anymore.