Having to put it somewhere

[Niantiel]

I was really honestly trying to avoid this subject....This is gonna be kinda long-winded...probably quite long-winded...

I "live" with my ex. and by "live", I mean that she gives me half of the rent, and is otherwise basically never at "our" (which really, is more like mine due to a lack of her) apartment.

I'm 26.
I started seeing her when I was 15.
2 and a half years ago, I broke up with her due to a complicated situation.
Surely doing the math there, it was nearly like a marriage.

We'd sort of mutually cheated on each other, basically in the same night. With people that neither of us wanted the other one to get any further involved with.
Her and I never really had a healthy and good sexual relationship, as I lacked experience and drive, and she was more experienced with a higher than normal sex drive for a woman.

We'd decided to try to make up after it. And so we tried doing a polyamorous relationship, where we saw other people and were honest and open about it instead. For a while, that helped. I had fun with it, and it helped open me up and make me more accepting. In fact I learned things about myself that I otherwise wouldn't have.

But, as time went on, I realized that even though it was fun, I'd wanted something more serious and committed than that. So, I told her that I was trying to make myself okay with her being with her boyfriend after I'd came to the conclusion that I needed a more defined and committed relationship. It was supposed to be only sexual, but she'd accidentally developed feelings for him.

So for nine months, I toughed it out.
I finally told her that I couldn't handle it.
That things would be different if we'd started our relationship off like that, but we hadn't.
I asked her to back out of him, and she said that she couldn't because she'd fallen in love with him too.
So, I broke up with her the following week.

We hadn't trusted each other in a long time anyhow.
And in my youth and inexperience, I was even less willing to trust and more nosey.

After I broke up with her, I had a sort of personal revelation that all of the years that I'd spent with her, I was only doing things progressively in my life (working, learning to drive, going to college, etc.) because I was trying to satisfy her more. I was less entailed to think about myself because my lover being happy, made me happy. And, when she was disappointed, I was sad, and so on.

So, I started to (rather chaotically) slowly make myself back into, well, myself. I went through the motions of dealing with her choice (or lack thereof). I got over my anger about it. And went off to find new work, and develop now interests and hobbies that I'd previously either not been allowed to via her rules, or not had the time or funds to via being with her.

So, I gave myself definition.

Upon approaching love again though, I found that it was always sort of an uphill battle. Either, I'd find women who were just as co-dependent and not enough independent as she was, and thus I lost interest, or women who fancied me, but I wasn't interested in them. Mostly though, it was me being interested in other women and them not being interested in me. Which, was fine. I can settle for friendship without the crushing blow thing. Heh. By that point in my life, my heart had already been broken enough to where everything else was kinda expected. I sort of retracted, and after I broke up with her, and started to approach other women, I did so rather emotionally cautiously....in that, I never, forwardly gave all of myself, due to my expectancy that it wasn't right. And well, I was right to do so.

We text back and forth, and maintain a low-key friendship. But, she still isn't over me. So, we never actually hang out. I've accepted her boyfriend, and their relationship. To me, it's all in the past....or is it??

I have times where I miss her still.
Not being in a relationship with her, but just hanging out with her.
I think what I actually miss, is being in a relationship at all, and being in love.

Eventually, I gave up and stopped looking, and stopped caring.
My motivations became totally self-related. To further my interests and hobbies, and my security. Coming from a welfare family with ailing family health, and having left her, I have no one else. So, I have to be my own security, and my own insurance, and simultaneously delve into my own interests. It's tricky, and time consuming, but that's mostly my life now.

There are times where I'm glad she's not around though.
Because occasionally my romantic feelings do come back for her.
But, I can usually re-compose myself within an hour of thoughts and with the right atmosphere.

I've been single for 3 years.
I'm 26, and my life is so surrounded by my responsibilities for bills pets and projects, that I feel like I'm 56.

After I broke up with her, I kind of totally withdrew from everyone. Friends, family, then-interests.

Like I said, I've had other interests come and go, but usually, something doesn't add up.

Only now I'm alone so much, it's almost as if love itself, in nearly any form, is nearly missing in my life.

And yet, I cannot logically within my right mind and better judgment for my well being go back and ask to be with her again. So even if it did emotionally make sense to do that, our lives realistically are not applicable to make that happen. And I don't think, that after how we've both grown and changed apart over the years, that we're even right for each other. In fact, we both know that we're not.

It's almost like, we were in love with the idea of being in love with each other....but, fate would have it that we would grow in opposite directions.
Time passes, people grow, things change, life goes on.

I really, just don't know what to do with MYSELF anymore.

In all technicality, I SHOULD hate her, because she treated me badly most of our relationship.
In fact, when I broke up with her, her older sister come into town to see her, and when she locked herself away in her boyfriend's house and refused to come out, her sister came to our apartment to check on me instead. She ended up taking me out to a bar with her and some of her old friends who still live here, and after a few drinks to loosen her up she said: "Well, not to be a ***** about it, but: Good for you. You deserve better than that."

Which, floored me.

Everyone tells her all the time how she messed everything up with me. Even her family, and even her boyfriend, that she chose over me (according to her herself).

Knowing this, I forgave her for it. and laid my anger about it to rest, and I am at peace with it now. but, even though I'm not angry anymore, it still hurts sometimes. Not the choosing him over me, but the lack of her being in my life at all. She's not even online anymore, she just works.

It'd be nice if she got around to actually doing that hanging out with me thing because she misses my company like she always says she keeps meaning to do.... heh.

Anyway, rant over.
I've gotta get ready for work and start doing my usual routines along with a few oddball things in the between. Just needed to put this somewhere.

 

[Regumika]

I'll just comment on some bits (of course, not taking anything out of context)

And yet, I cannot logically within my right mind and better judgment for my well being go back and ask to be with her again. So even if it did emotionally make sense to do that, our lives realistically are not applicable to make that happen. And I don't think, that after how we've both grown and changed apart over the years, that we're even right for each other. In fact, we both know that we're not.

It's almost like, we were in love with the idea of being in love with each other....but, fate would have it that we would grow in opposite directions.
Time passes, people grow, things change, life goes on.

On one hand, relationship is a choice (love isn't). On the other hand, a lot of times it has to do with values. Let's use an example.. Parenting. If one partner believes in doting and the other believes in tough love, there will be problems. However, it's still a choice to accept the differences or not. In your case though, your Ex probably never loved you which is why she believed in polyamorous relationships but she still wanted the security of having someone around. This is exactly what my Ex did to me too (except we were married). But once she found someone she is ACTUALLY in love with, she doesn't need anyone else (you) anymore.

I really, just don't know what to do with MYSELF anymore.

In all technicality, I SHOULD hate her, because she treated me badly most of our relationship.
In fact, when I broke up with her, her older sister come into town to see her, and when she locked herself away in her boyfriend's house and refused to come out, her sister came to our apartment to check on me instead. She ended up taking me out to a bar with her and some of her old friends who still live here, and after a few drinks to loosen her up she said: "Well, not to be a ***** about it, but: Good for you. You deserve better than that."

Which, floored me.

Everyone tells her all the time how she messed everything up with me. Even her family, and even her boyfriend, that she chose over me (according to her herself).

Knowing this, I forgave her for it. and laid my anger about it to rest, and I am at peace with it now. but, even though I'm not angry anymore, it still hurts sometimes. Not the choosing him over me, but the lack of her being in my life at all. She's not even online anymore, she just works.

It'd be nice if she got around to actually doing that hanging out with me thing because she misses my company like she always says she keeps meaning to do.... heh.

Your situation is very very close to what I went through, actually - it's kind of scary. No, don't talk to her anymore. Like you have realized, you're just missing the company - the idea of being in a relationship with someone. The only reason you think of her is because she is the only memory that you have of the good times. Sure you probably actually loved her, but don't let yourself be that tragic "good guy" that kept loving the girl even though she went off with someone else but one day realized that you were the one that she loves in the end - and lived happily ever after.

That scar on your heart isn't going away. You will continue to feel the pain until someone else comes along and accepts you completely, that's when you will stop noticing the scar. Just make sure that you do not misinterpret your feelings.