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Mar 9, 2019
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So, as many before me apparently, i stumbled across this site pretty ''randomly''.   I simply searched on Google ''lonely forum'', and this very forum appeared as one of the first results.  I was surprised, honestly.   I didn't think i would found a site like this, maybe because i was scared that there weren't any on the internet, so i kinda gave up hope.  But it turned out to not be true at all.  I lurked here a little bit, and seeing a good atmosphere, i finally decided to register in.  So, i will introduce myself.

I'm a 22 year old Italian guy living in a little Italian city, (so pardon any grammatical errors and such of the sort), and around my area i have absolutely no friends.   I arrived at a point in my life where i feel pretty lonely, even though the efforts to change this status have been enormous over the past few months, but with apparently no results whatsoever.  I do not consider myself a loner, because i absolutley enjoy the company of other people and talking to them.   They give me vital energy.   It is strange, considering that in the past i believed in the contrary:  eluding myself from peer pressure and social life, escaping in the world of literature and other entertainment mediums: videogames, movies, music, anime (Japanese cartoons) and books, above all.  In my teenage years I felt relaxed getting away from reality, alas in an home that was commencing to break apart, with my parents in the process of divorcing and an already inexsistent social life.   I was also psychologically bullied in my school in that period, and that also contributed to a greater need to trap myself into imaginary worlds and suppressing all the negative emotions that i was feeling.     10+ years have passed and i still find my self trapped in a situation where i don't see the means to get out.  Over the years i made a few friends.   Three of them i met online in different circumstances, and we met irl only two times so far.  We spent a great time together. I considered them, and consider a bit still (since things have changed between us) great friends, but recently i distanced myself from them for various reasons and this has led me to bouts of anxiety and overall misery over my social situation.   Hearing them daily via online was a source of relief, because at least i had the thought that i wasn't entirely alone and had the privilege of having friends, but i don't believe in this so much anymore.   I do care about them, but something changed beetween us, and now i feel really alone.  

I am in contact with two other people, though.  One is an old friend of university, but my relationship with him is not that intimate.  I visit him from time to time at his home, and we spent some time together, but i still feel uneasiness when its time to leave, and the moment i come home loneliness strikes me again.    Another friend is still an online one, who i met in another forum that was primarly based on social phobias, but the population there was so toxic and unfriendly that my time there didnt last that long.    So these are other two people that i talk to, but the frequency is so low that sometimes i dont count them as much as ''friends'', even though i enjoy their company.     I will give you a little bit more of context around my persona, without making this introduction too long.   At age 18, i was formally diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome from a psychiatrist (who, funnily enough, was a master at an Aikido gym that i frequented lol) and i resonated with this syndrome for sometime, even frequenting a forum dedicated to it but after some time i rejected this diagnosis and believed that i was normal like everyone else, and impaired socially and emotionally due to previous psychological traumas.   I have been to three different terapists over the years for these problems, but all three of them were pretty bad and so yeah... my luck is inexistent on that front, it seems.

So currently i live with my family, looking for work.  I worked as an Administrative Assistant the past 6 months (here in Italy is a pretty respectable job) in an high school of my city, and my time there was great because at least i had the possibility to socialise with different people and generally make myself distracted from the emptiness of my days at home, doing always the same things in the corner of my room...in silence, and overall misery.  Since this loner condition has befallen on me from years past, i am trying everything in my power to get out of the house and provide for myself in another city, and in the process start to rebuild a social life, because i can't survive any longer in this hellhole of city i currently reside in.  I respect my younger brother for having done that two years ago, and i can see how it affected him positevely, and thinking about him makes me hopeful, but often times it so goddamn hard to press on living.  I contemplated suicide many times over the years.  

Don't even get me started of having a significant other.  In the past i was in the process of building a relationship with a girl that i met on the Asperger forum i mentioned earliear, and it was my first pseudo-romantic relationship with another human being, before everything went in the gutters.  Might expand on that another time, in another thread. We'll see about that.

So yeah, here i am.  Another tidbit of information before leaving: i love all the aforementioned things written earlier. My favorite movie is Oldboy, which i personally consider a masterpiece.  My favorite music, well...i love many genres: DnB, Metal, Pop, Classical...but the one song that speaks me on multiple levels is a song called ''It's been a while'', from an Alternative Metal band called Staind.   It makes me teary every time, and i do not know why.   My favorite videogame is ''The Witcher III: Wild Hunt'', and hence my nickname and avatar from the protagonist (which i practically adore lol).   I do not consider myself a religious person, even though i was an ardent Catholic believer in my teenage years, and i have grown to be a spiritually open person .  The one spiritual thing i believe in the most is called ''Bushido'', the ''Way of the Samurai'', which was a concept under which the samurais of Feudal Japan lived under.   I love samurais, and their overall attitude towards the obstacles of life is what drives me forward, if i think about that long enough.

And here it is, my absolutely long introduction.  I left out a lot in my story, but nonetheless felt i needed to tell the important parts withouth dragging this too much.  I never dealt that much with forums, but i hope to stay present as much as i can.  And i hope to meet nice people, in the end!   Cheers.
Thanks for the long introduction! This forum really needs more people who like to discuss things just like you did! So don't apologize for it! I look forward to seeing what you can bring.
I find the forum is at its best when there are topics that go beyond the simple forum games; as its the principle the entire forum was founded upon.

Haha, and I actually found the forum the same way; not sure if it was from "lonely" or "introvert" though.

I can relate to losing someone and feeling the need then to find a new place; it's why I came back after about a year too, due to something recent and similar to yours.

Welcome aboard! And don't worry, your English is more than fine too!

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