hello there, this is my story...

[winterbird]

Hi! I registered a while ago, but haven't posted about myself or introduced myself.

I'm 28 yrs old, female, living in Florida. That I'm alone/lonely is a given since I'm here. My isolation began when I got married 8 years ago. I shouldn't have gone though with it, but I was being the "good girl" and didn't want to disrupt plans or hurt people. I had been with this guy since I was 16. He was always emotionally abusive and I was too young to know better.

When I got married I moved to Florida, not knowing anyone here. Any family of mine is several states away and we were never a tight knit group to begin with. The only one I'm close to is my mom, and I tell her nothing about what I go through because I don't want her to worry knowing she can't help me.

Like I said, my husband has always been emotionally abusive. He's also very controlling and sometimes also physically abusive. I've contacted womens help groups and domestic abuse centers, but there's a lot of "competition" out there... it's almost as if bullet wounds or head trauma is a requirement to get help. Not that I'm complaining about it, I know there are others who go through worse than me.

Due to him being controlling, I've never been able to have friends of my own. I've hung out with his friends a few times. When I actually talked to them, he put me though hoops after and accused me of "liking" whatever male in the group talked to me the most (it would always just be the chatty guy who talks a lot in general). So the other times I've seen them I've had to make sure I don't talk too much or seem too into a conversation, which of course led to people thinking that I'm weird and unapproachable. He doesn't bring me out with him often, and I can never go anywhere on my own. He tells me if I do he hopes that "someone kills me out there" and if that doesn't happen then "just bring your stuff along and don't bother coming back". (We're talking about just me going out with a friend, not even anywhere crazy.)

As for his suggestion... yes, I would gladly leave him. I've been wanting to for years. He's the root cause of my isolation and loneliness. But because I've lived so long being controlled by someone who doesn't have my best interest in mind, I can't leave. He's made me quit education, kept me from getting jobs because of suspicions toward the interviewer/boss/coworkers... and worst of all, he's put me in debt. He even went as far as getting credit cards without my approval (he knows my info and acts as me to do it). He's refusing to pay anything off on the debt and it's all in my name. "I" owe something close to 20k. I'm in such a hole financially and emotionally that the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of what it would do to my mom if I killed myself.

So, I'm stuck here. Alone, lonely, bad credit, no job, no education, and if I try to leave the house to do something about any of this... I'm homeless in an instant. I don't have anyone to turn to and crash with until I sort things out and get a job & apartment. He knows this, that's why he loves to threaten with kicking me out and telling me that if I do this or that I should just leave. He knows that I can't.

The only one I have here that cares for me in some way is my dog. He's stood up for me many times when I was being hit (as I have for him). I would never leave him here in this hell. He goes where I go. Which unfortunately leaves out any domestic abuse shelters because they don't accept pets. I know that some will say to put myself first, but he's not just any animal. He's been the only one to defend me in these past 8 years and I think he deserves better than being left here to be abused with no one sticking up for him.

So... yeah. I just need for someone to know, I guess. No one knows.

 

[Badjedidude]

There is a way out...don't ever let him convince you that there isn't. You CAN leave, you DO have places to go. Don't let that ******* get inside your mind and tell you that you can't, because you DEFINITELY CAN. If you want to get away from him (and you should), then you can do so. If you're desperate enough, then you'll find SOME way to make it work.

I think you need to get away from this guy ASAP. I'm serious...some day when he goes out, you pack your stuff up really quickly and GET THE HELL OUT. This man is destroying you, and by sticking around, you're allowing it to happen. Why would you want to let someone do this to you day-in, day-out? Have some respect for yourself! I know you must be a decent, sweet person....so you need to protect yourself!! And take your doggie with you.

There are people who have been in worse debt than you, and have managed to make it...This may sound drastic, but perhaps you should consider running away from this guy and adopting an alias. You could move to another state, get new records, get a job, and live relatively free and cleanly until you can manage to scrape together enough money to pay off your debts. Lots of illegal immigrants do this all the time...in many places all that's required for a job is a driver's license...and it can be dreadfully easy to get a new (alternate) driver's license.

Like I said, it sounds drastic, but you're never going to get free of him if you remain close to where he is, or if you leave a trail that he can follow. It sounds like you need a new life and a fresh start...and that is a BIG step....but it's one that I think you should take. Just remember: Be proud of who you are, hold your dignity close, and DO WHAT YOU MUST TO PUT YOURSELF IN A BETTER SITUATION. BECAUSE YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THE ******* SCUM YOU'RE WITH.

I hope some of that helped a little...and I hope you keep us all informed as to how things are going with you. Thank you very much for sharing...and I'm here if you want to talk about this at any time. Just PM me or get my address from my profile and I'll give you my ears and any support that I can. Take it easy, and have a good day, ok..? *HUG*

----Steve

 

[illuminatus]

Welcome! You need to leave this guy right away. I can't believe you would put up with such behavior. Your a human being and he's treating you like a degenerate. From your post I can tell that your obviously intelligent enough to make it through life on your own. Ditch the a**hole and start a new life. It's never too late to change your life into something positive. I think you will be very successful in life and I hope that you don't let this guy hold you back from your dreams and goals any longer. I could never understand why men feel the need to hit their spouses. It's intolerable behavior; don't play "the fool" any longer. As far as the suicidal thoughts, I used to have them as well and I can tell you that it does get better. You just have to start taking the right steps to remove yourself from this terrible situation. I hope that you find the strength to leave him. Keep your head up; there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Samuel]

Id would say you can live with me till you get yourself together, BUT (the dreaded "but")

a) I don't own my own house
b) I live in Australia

(Bluntly) From what you said, he is a complete *******! From what I have seen, he does not deserve you.

Put your mind to it, and you will be able to live a much better life. We are here for you to talk to.

One thing that comes to my mind, what are the chances of him finding you on this forum?

 

[nerdygirl]

Look. I last saw my ex-husband when he was incarcerated for domestic abuse. When he was released, I took everything I needed, put it in my car, and left the state. I have relocated several times, legally changed my name, and more. I spent six months living in a car with my daughter. I couldn't find work because I couldn't afford day care. All you have to worry about is your dog. You can do this!

Get any valuables you can and pawn them. Everything was bought in your name, right? So he cannot even say you stole it. Get a Greyhound ticket. Get a car. Get a donkey. Get whatever mode of transportation you can and get the heck out of that county. Head north, because you're going closer to family. You might not be a close family, but family is family. It's people you know. At least one of them is not going to be happy to find out that your husband has been abusing you. Tell your mother! Otherwise, he's going to fill her head with lies.

Contact churches and tell them about your situation. Ask them if you can clean their buildings for a little money so you can keep traveling. There are food kitchens and food pantries so you won't be hungry. Find them online.

The first step is leaving. It's the hardest, but you can do it.

 

[Steel]

Hey, and welcome.

I don't have too much to add, because others have already said the same things I would have.

(((((Hugs))))))

 

[SophiaGrace]

We are here to lend any support we can. Please, please do not hesitate to make threads. We will be MORE than happy to assist you in getting out of this situation.

You deserve so much better. I think you know what you have to do, You have to leave this man...

Just need to figure out a way to do it! dont give up. Please.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))

 

[Just_Some_Dude]

hello.

sounds like this SOB needs a JPMB

"junk punch in the man business"

 

[Danielle]

If there is a will there is a way. You need to leave this man as soon as possible. yOu deserve so much better than this. Go to a local womens center... they are everywhere, and discuss your situation. They will be able to help you with a place to stay. I am in total agreement with what was said above... pack your things when he is not there... and RUN, as fast as you can. Jump up and live again.

We are all here for you.... (((HUGS)))

 

[firemanco3]

Hi winterbird, I'm really sorry that you are in that situation. Everyone else who replied is right, you do deserve better then what you have and you can find a way out. This guy you're married to sounds like a real jerk and probably needs to get smacked around himself to see how it feels. People like that are weak and think that they can prove themselves by hurting others. You're stronger then him, you can prove it by leaving. I don't know if you have contacted family members already, but I'm sure if they knew what was going on they'd help. My thoughts and prayers are with you, best of luck.

 

[skully]

Winterbird, I'm sorry about your situation. There are people out there who can help you make a plan to leave - trained professionals who understand all the challenges of leaving this kind of relationship. They can help you make a plan so you can leave safely and with your needs taken care of (food, shelter, etc). A phone call to a women's information service or domestic violence hotline could refer you to someone who could help. In the meantime, I hope you stick around here and find some support on the forum.

 

[bbm662]

Anything that you did not sign for yourself is not legally binding to you. It doesn't matter if he was your husband when you signed you up for credit cards, it is still identity theft and even though the credit card people will kick and scream you don't owe any money on anything you didn't sign. If they try to collect on the debt you need to request a proof of debt which will include a copy of the signature used to sign up for the card. They are required to present this information to you before they are able to legally collect money, because of the fair credit act. They will still get angry and use emotional tactics to guilt you into doing what they want, but you don't owe anything you didn't approve yourself and all you have to do is hang up.

You really should just call your mother, tell her you need some money wired to you for a bus ticket back home. You don't have to tell her why, just say mom, I need some help, I want to come home to see you, can you wire me money for a bus ticket, and we can talk about it when I get there. I have no idea if they allow dogs on the bus though, there might be a better option. She will most likely understand though, and you will feel so relieved being free that you will be able to do things you never thought you could.