hello i found this forum about a month ago, googling loneliness, but had been to timid to join until recently. my name is jenn, and i feel so alone. i have alway felt like this, on and off through out my life ever since i was about 7 or so. sometimes in my life i have overcome it, i had made some friends, but i tend to get get close to people and as soon as i do, they disappear (moving, dropping me for other friends, and so on) or we remain friends but stop being as close for whatever reason.
i moved to a new town in the fall and i finally met some friends through work and things seemed great. i finally found people to spend my weekends with. and over a period of a month or two i became even closer with one these new friends. no guy (well, no sober guy) has ever paid any attention to me, and then all of a sudden this really great guy noticed me. i really wanted to keep interested in me so i think i really rush things for the both of us, i guess i gave him the expectation that it was going to be friends with benefits i guess i thought that rushing into fooling around would be the way to keep him interested, but i had (and have) strong feelings for him. and i thought maybe he did for me too; he was like me in a lot of ways, 21 yrs old and virgin, he had never even flirted or kissed a woman before. i like this about him, it made me feel special, like i must have meant a lot if i'm the first. he told me he loved me on a few occasions.
but i was wrong, dead wrong. when i brought up to him the fact that i wanted our relationship to be more, he said he didn't want a serious relationship, that i'm great but he doesn't want a relationship. i kept pressing him, as to why this is and the whole thing left us both in tears. he said maybe he's walking away from something great and that he wanted to think but he apparently wasn't because he never changed his mind. friends from work think he just scared or something. i try my best to be cool about things, but the only time we hung out after this i got drunk and threw myself at him, crying saying how much i missed him. things are so awkward and awful at work, he won't look me in the eye anymore, and it makes me feel like the most worthless person ever.
things have been terrible this past semester both while things were happening with this guy and since, and i wouldn't say it even has to do with the guy but everything came crashing down at me on once. i failed two classes and lost interest in school, all the friends i thought i had have slowly disappeared. i have lost interest in everything. i moved in with my supposed 'best' friend and now we don't hang out or talk anymore. i have no one to talk to or to spend time with. my parents are supportive and loving but i live far from them and i don't want to worry them. i need a support system outside of them anyway.
but i feel like i'll always be alone, that i'm unloveable, ugly and worthless. i always have grown up with this feeling that i was going to always be alone anyway. i should get use to it and move on. i just wish i had someone who was there for me, in the middle of the night or after a long shift a work. it what i want more than anything. but things were better before i knew what i was missing out on.
like i said i have always have had bouts of feeling like this, but this is the worse i've ever felt. i have been seeing a therapist and doctor and might start some antidepresant but sometime i feel like whats the point. i think about dying but i know it would hurt my parents to much. i should just slip away, its not like anyone would notice.
i'm sorry thats such a long post
i moved to a new town in the fall and i finally met some friends through work and things seemed great. i finally found people to spend my weekends with. and over a period of a month or two i became even closer with one these new friends. no guy (well, no sober guy) has ever paid any attention to me, and then all of a sudden this really great guy noticed me. i really wanted to keep interested in me so i think i really rush things for the both of us, i guess i gave him the expectation that it was going to be friends with benefits i guess i thought that rushing into fooling around would be the way to keep him interested, but i had (and have) strong feelings for him. and i thought maybe he did for me too; he was like me in a lot of ways, 21 yrs old and virgin, he had never even flirted or kissed a woman before. i like this about him, it made me feel special, like i must have meant a lot if i'm the first. he told me he loved me on a few occasions.
but i was wrong, dead wrong. when i brought up to him the fact that i wanted our relationship to be more, he said he didn't want a serious relationship, that i'm great but he doesn't want a relationship. i kept pressing him, as to why this is and the whole thing left us both in tears. he said maybe he's walking away from something great and that he wanted to think but he apparently wasn't because he never changed his mind. friends from work think he just scared or something. i try my best to be cool about things, but the only time we hung out after this i got drunk and threw myself at him, crying saying how much i missed him. things are so awkward and awful at work, he won't look me in the eye anymore, and it makes me feel like the most worthless person ever.
things have been terrible this past semester both while things were happening with this guy and since, and i wouldn't say it even has to do with the guy but everything came crashing down at me on once. i failed two classes and lost interest in school, all the friends i thought i had have slowly disappeared. i have lost interest in everything. i moved in with my supposed 'best' friend and now we don't hang out or talk anymore. i have no one to talk to or to spend time with. my parents are supportive and loving but i live far from them and i don't want to worry them. i need a support system outside of them anyway.
but i feel like i'll always be alone, that i'm unloveable, ugly and worthless. i always have grown up with this feeling that i was going to always be alone anyway. i should get use to it and move on. i just wish i had someone who was there for me, in the middle of the night or after a long shift a work. it what i want more than anything. but things were better before i knew what i was missing out on.
like i said i have always have had bouts of feeling like this, but this is the worse i've ever felt. i have been seeing a therapist and doctor and might start some antidepresant but sometime i feel like whats the point. i think about dying but i know it would hurt my parents to much. i should just slip away, its not like anyone would notice.
i'm sorry thats such a long post
