Help - advise needed

[MoogieHK]

Soo long story short was with my ex for 5+ years turned out he is an addict and after thousands of pounds and tons of heartbreak I stood by him as he said he loved me.
As soon as regard was over and he's back on track I asked him to start making me feel more wanted / special in his life as it was all meetings and addicts - he ended our relationship.
I move out of the house and back in with my parents (not easy as I'm 34) but I needed to get away, now I've moved back into our house and he's moving out as it's taking time to see our house.
Anyway I found a list.....
I'm on it as a 'problem' it talks about his new relationship and his new found gambling problem!

I know I'm better without him and want to move on but it's just not that easy I feel soo alone like I will never meet anyone as not really a going out drinking kinda person, and just hurts he moves on like its nothing - I went through hell for him and he just turned his back - am mad & hurt & lonely

Now don't know if I should confront him or just pretend I didn't see it and move on?

Hurts :-(

 

[TheRealCallie]

I've been in a very similar situation. It's not your fault. He lists YOU as a "problem" because he doesn't want to own up to the fact that HE has problems.
Confronting him will do nothing to help you and he most likely won't listen or tell you the truth. It sounds like you became dependent on him and I know how that feels too. The only thing you can really do is move on with your life. You won't feel like this forever.

Have you thought about going to some Alanon meeting to try to help yourself? It's not for everyone, but it's a good place to start your journey. If you don't like it (after a few months) or don't feel it's for you, you aren't any worse off than you are now. Just take it one day at a time and you will get there.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me. Even if it's just to vent and you don't want or need a reply.

 

[MoogieHK]

Your right with all that happened when we were together I became soo dependent on him, and let him control me. Don't really know how to be ME anymore :-(
I met a few people through his rehab and family days there so is great talking with them, I didn't really find the meetings helped.
Think if I confront him it will just drag me back into it all - that's not what I need right now.
Thanks really nice to know someone knows how I feel x

 

[TheRealCallie]

Your right with all that happened when we were together I became soo dependent on him, and let him control me. Don't really know how to be ME anymore :-(
I met a few people through his rehab and family days there so is great talking with them, I didn't really find the meetings helped.
Think if I confront him it will just drag me back into it all - that's not what I need right now.
Thanks really nice to know someone knows how I feel x

Well, you went to HIS meetings. Those are him, not you. Alanon would be all about YOU and what YOU need, leaving him completely out of the mix. It might be worth checking into. A few meetings can't really tell you if it will help you or not. That's why they recommend going at least 3 months before deciding one way or the other.
When I first went, I thought the same thing. Looking back though, I didn't want to admit that I had a problem too, I didn't want to admit that I needed help or that I was in the situation I was in. But, those people have been through similar things as you (and I) have, so they are only there to support you and help you. Living with an addict, whether gambling, drinking, drugs or anything else isn't easy...that much I know. It hurts us in ways that people who haven't been through the same can't understand.

It's entirely up to you, though. Do what you feel is right for you.

 

[MoogieHK]

No sorry I went to alanon meetings when he was in rehab - he's wasn't allowed to go that's where I made a few friends, where in touch regularly, your right they know it's easy to talk to them (now some of my best friends) ;-)

I see a therapist now too to help me deal with everything and move on, helping with my anxiety etc

Just hurts, after everything I did for him for him to treat me like this. I hold a lot of resentment now it's hard to let it go

 

[TheRealCallie]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm misinterpreted what you said.

It's good that you have a few friends like that and that you're seeing a therapist. But, just remember that it can only help you if you want it to help you. It took me a long time to realize that. The resentment and hurt will fade once you get a handle on yourself and make sense of what's going on in your head (and heart). It's not easy to separate the two, but you can do it. It's been almost 5 years since my ex and I split up and it took probably 3 or 3.5 years to finally let go of the resentment and realize it wasn't all my fault and that I didn't need him. But, I didn't have a big support system and I guess I wasn't willing to let it go as fully as I thought I had.

 

[Tiina63]

This makes me think of those sort of relationships where a recently divorced person is helped and supported by a new partner, then as soon as they are on their feet emotionally , they dump the partner who has supported them to look for someone new. It is as if the partner has been almost a parental figure who has got them through a hard time and then is no longer needed. Your anger and resentment is completely natural and understandable as it is as if you have been used.
Now you need to focus all the care and attention you gave him onto yourself. It's good you are having therapy as this will give you the chance to work through your thoughts and feelings and will hopefully help you not to get into a similar sort of relationship again. This is easier said than done, though, as I kn ow from experience.

 

[MoogieHK]

Thanks Tiina63
My therapy helps tons she has helped me cope with all my feelings and emotions. We are now working on moving forward and new relationships how to not end up in another dysfunctional relationship

 

[ladyforsaken]

*hugs* Moogie