angeLLblueshadow said:
hey, i'm doing a little research about loneliness and i need your help; it's not that i want to make it public, i want to do this for myself, anyway if anybody will read it you will all remain unknow; if you agree fallow the instructions...
1. i will need your age and your country writen at the beggining of your post;
2. please tell your story as you want it, if possible with your thoughts included;
3. it is possible that i will send you some general questions after this;
4. if you have any questions send me a private message;
5. write your story in this thread, or if you want it to be unknown by the rest of our members, send your story to me as a private message;
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR COOPERATION!!!
Interesting idea; why research for personal gain? Is it somwthing intended to be just gain of knowledge, sort of thing?
I'm 22, and I am from the USA, born in the east and now living in California. I'm diabetic, and have been for as long as I can remember, since I was about two years old.
I was a relatively smart kid, one of those kids everyone says, "That's a bright kid," sort of thing, not anyone special, just a little hyper, but I listened. I took the SATs when I was twelve, and did well, and I was in all the gifted classes, and was told that I should have been, though, probably, I shouldn't have been.
My brother got into gothic-style music when he was in his teens, and I thought that was a cool image; an interesting one, and an artistic visual, sort of thing, and I had just read Jurassic Park, for some reason thinking it was great literature. Crichton went on a long diatribe about the evils of dependence on technology, and being a stupid kid, I thought he was right.
So I wore black a lot as a kid, and I had some friends, but for some reason, which I really don't know, they all disappeared. It may have been that I didn't participate in any after-school activities, or anything like that, and when kids are on their own in grade school, there's opportunities for bullying, stuff like that.
So.
I was really unhappy.
My dad signed me up for football, and while the team didn't really seem to like me, they didn't actively attack me, so while I didn't make any friends, I wasn't the focus of the team's attacks.
Over the summer I went to China, because my dad had been dropping me off for hours every weekend at a Chinese restaurant, in the hopes I'd learn some Chinese, and I REALLY hated that.
Now, I see that I learned something about different cultures during the trip, but I still think the time in the restaurants was wasted.
High school I left, went to a Catholic school, though I'm lacking belief in a god, or deity, or creator, whatever, because I thought the problem was the kids around me.
The kids at the school were nice, but I was committed to being a moody, angsty, Trent Reznor wannabe by that time (Not in the sense of being aware who Reznor was; just wearing a lot of black and thinking about all the problems in society at large I don't have power of dealing with), and by this time I hated football.
Oh, at one point I played hockey, which I DID enjoy, though I didn't make any friends.
So back to high school.
There was a really attractive girl in most of my classes, the gifted ones I shouldn't have been in, and I wanted really desperately to have sex, to touch skin, that sort of stuff.
So I wrote some of those emo notes lonely guys write, saying, well, think that movie, "Can't Hardly Wait," and never gave 'em to her, and really annoyed the people I would hang out with talking about the crush I had on the girl.
I spent time in theater, which I also enjoyed, and played violin for the musicals the school did, and made some people I'm still acquainted with, but they're not people that would ever call me if they wanted to talk.
I also learned French.
I got through three years of school, and in the last year, finally told the girl I had a crush on about the stupid, empty sexual feelings that really had little to do with her (though I didn't think so at the time), and she was nice about it, though dismissive, which is reasonable, I think, because I was the creepy guy in the coat who sat in the corner.
Then I spent a year as an exchange student in Central Europe, and really met a lot of people, and saw a lot of beautiful, moving, interesting sights, and looked at a world that'd been built through centuries of hard work, management, conflict, desire and death, and when I look at the cars in the US and how nobody walks anywhere because it takes too long, I want to retch.
But the beer was great, too, and I really enjoyed myself.
Came back and went to the first college that would have me, one not too far from my house and lived at home during school. I spent three years getting a degree in political science, I took summer classes, and got a mediocre GPA. I wanted to be a psychologist at first, but I don't have a scientific capacity, or interest, really, so med school didn't interest me, and I liked political science. I think I just heard "Sixty Minutes" and got a general idea of certain issues, so I could use that in class to fill in some gaps.
On the other hand, I know a LOT about corn, and its overuse, now.
First two years went fine, though I got frustrated living at home, and then the third year came, the year I turned twenty-one and graduated.
There was, again, a girl in one of the classes I liked who was kind of cute, and outspoken, and bright, and so I stopped and said Hi to her, she was a freshman, I sat with her at lunch and talked for a while, and she was really bright. People liked her, too, and, for some reason, she seemed to like me. I introduced her to some acquaintances of mine, all that, and got attached to the idea that someone I found interesting and pretty and likeable seemed to like spending time with me. When I say that, I mean she was huggy, and she said, "I love you," when she left, like sometimes people do (though rarely).
So I invited her to my twenty-first birthday party, along with some other people I knew, and didn't get stinking drunk; just had some wine (though I DID get stinking drunk at another party). Later, I saw her hanging out with, all over, a guy I knew, and I had mentioned to I was interested in that girl.
I again wrote a stupid letter, and she was really nice about it, actually; she still talks to me, even though she has an idea that I find this guy, who she's been dating now for about two years, to be an individual I would not mourn, shall I say.
But that really hurt.
That, and my lackluster GPA, which made making life decisions difficult, made my senior year a living hell; I felt (and still do, though I feel more, relatively, resigned to the idea) that making romantic connections is not actually part of my life in any way, and also, was afraid of what I was going to do for a job or anything, to pay for my expensive, necessary, diabetes drugs.
I got into one law school in California, which is where I'm at now, and I'm doing poorly in class (I should be studying right now, and I will be in a minute, but I just spent all spring break working on outlines). Not having a car makes things very difficult. I'm dependent on my parents putting money on my credit card, and for my tuition, because my dad (who buys my medicine, and who pays for my food) doesn't want me in debt when I graduate.
Rent's a problem, and so's the fact that I have nothing to do witn my own finances.
My parents care about me, and they want me to be happy. They got me involved in things.
I'm just not a very interesting person, my conversation is lacking, and also I'm about sixty to fifty-five pounds overweight. Also, I'm 22 and I'm bald.
The path of my life has been interesting, and not uncomfortable, and I don't like it. I don't like being alone all the time, and... It is no great tragedy. It's just life.
In another section, I asked, "What if this is as good as it gets?" By that, I mean I've actually done lots of things, and I do have people that care about me, my parents and my brother. But I'm still lonely, in that I don't have people I can call, and nobody ever calls me. I spend weekends alone out here, and nights, and I don't know if this is the typical lifestyle that people live. Is it just that I don't enjoy what other people do enjoy?
Anyway, that be my story, so if it's useful, good. If not, I got to rant for a while, which is always fun.
PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!
