Help! To marry or Not??

[Susana]

Hi everyone, I'm still trying to find my feet around ths site. Am I even in the right post? I'm from South Africa and we don't have such sites available at all. Anyway can anyone help me out here please. I've been in a relationship for 5 years. 2 years ago my boyfriend proposed to me but then we started fighting a lot and he withdrew his proposal saying that living together is the same thing as marriage and because he had been married before, he was not going to take another chance on marriage again. I have also been married before. After many tears and pain and because I loved him dearly I accepted the fact. Although still kept wearing his ring. Go figure...lots of confussion as some people would ask me whats happening? Getting married or not??
2 years down the line I cracked, which is now! I realised that I gave up too much of what I wanted and that was to be married. I don't want to be 80 years old and have a boyfriend :-(.. that is just totally pethetic to me. Being committed means the world to me and I gave it up for him. My hurt and pain came back with a vengance.
I confronted him with all this. He was shocked and realised that he was going to loose me. He admited that 2 years ago he made a huge mistake and he stuffed up big time by not marrying me and asked me to marry him now. I refused! He gave me a ring 2 years ago to keep me knowing well that he did not want marriage and he is doing the same thing now. He knows has asked me to tell him what he needs to do to fix it but I can't tell him what to do as I don't think he can fix it. He asked me to give him some time to come up with something to fix it and then I can decide if it's good enough for me..
I just have so many hurtful feelings inside, like I was not good enough back then for him to marry me and now he wants to marry me only becaus I brought the subject up ..?? How will I ever know that he really wants to marry me.. my whole fairytale has been ruined..
My question is, do I give him that second chance and marry him??

 

[AfterDark]

Morning..
In my opinion you don't need others opinions! And another opinion is.. marriage is just another invention of the human mind. We don't need it to be happy. It is superficial, but sure, maybe a bit romantic. What really matters is how you feel for each other, what you both want, all along the way, every day, every week, not some vows, or a piece of paper.
Lots of animals mate for life, and they don't get married, still.. they are faithful and content with their partner! :O

 

[MissyEchelon]

To an extent i agree with AfterDark.. Nobody else's opinions matters with regards to your relationship. In fact so many relationships are torn apart these days because of other people getting too involved and tearing a couple apart.
You said marriage is a dream of yours.. Personally i feel the same about it, i've always been one of these kinds of girls who thinks of marriage in a really romantic old fashioned kind of way.. the ultimate way to celebrate and solidify your commitment to eachother, by announcing and sharing it with the world.

Some people don't see the point in it these days, when the rate of divorce is higher than ever but if you're one of those people who it does mean something to i don't think you should have to compromise on that.
Even if it doesn't mean the same to this guy, perhaps that means he's maybe not the right one for you? But if he's changed his mind and has decided that he would like to spend his life with you, maybe looking into couple therapy and/or counselling might be something to think about.
You'd be able to voice any concerns and worries with eachother, and get some unbiased advice along the way.
It can be really easy over time to take for granted a good thing that you have, and maybe even lose sight of why you got together in the first place.
Just remember though that you guys aren't the only couple in the world having troubles, it happens to every couple and it'll just take time and work to get back on track.

I would say, don't rush things though, just because you want to get married in the long run, if you have any concerns about it talk to him and be honest, work on the issues before you commit because marriage is supposed to be for life... not just for one special day.

 

[Susana]

Morning..
In my opinion you don't need others opinions! And another opinion is.. marriage is just another invention of the human mind. We don't need it to be happy. It is superficial, but sure, maybe a bit romantic. What really matters is how you feel for each other, what you both want, all along the way, every day, every week, not some vows, or a piece of paper.
Lots of animals mate for life, and they don't get married, still.. they are faithful and content with their partner! :O

Morning - thanks for your reply and yes I do see your point however, I'm one of those girls that marriage means more to me than just being romantic for a day. It shows a long term committement. I just don't want to be forcing my boyfriend into marriage just because I believe in it..

---

To an extent i agree with AfterDark.. Nobody else's opinions matters with regards to your relationship. In fact so many relationships are torn apart these days because of other people getting too involved and tearing a couple apart.
You said marriage is a dream of yours.. Personally i feel the same about it, i've always been one of these kinds of girls who thinks of marriage in a really romantic old fashioned kind of way.. the ultimate way to celebrate and solidify your commitment to eachother, by announcing and sharing it with the world.

Some people don't see the point in it these days, when the rate of divorce is higher than ever but if you're one of those people who it does mean something to i don't think you should have to compromise on that.
Even if it doesn't mean the same to this guy, perhaps that means he's maybe not the right one for you? But if he's changed his mind and has decided that he would like to spend his life with you, maybe looking into couple therapy and/or counselling might be something to think about.
You'd be able to voice any concerns and worries with eachother, and get some unbiased advice along the way.
It can be really easy over time to take for granted a good thing that you have, and maybe even lose sight of why you got together in the first place.
Just remember though that you guys aren't the only couple in the world having troubles, it happens to every couple and it'll just take time and work to get back on track.

I would say, don't rush things though, just because you want to get married in the long run, if you have any concerns about it talk to him and be honest, work on the issues before you commit because marriage is supposed to be for life... not just for one special day.

Thank you - this is how I feel about marriage. I've been waiting 2 years for him to change his mind and eventually brought up the subject myself. I'm just scared that I am forcing him into marriage as 2 years ago he was not ready for marriage so what makes him ready now? Just the fact that I brought it up and I want it. And now he finds himself in a hard place as he might loose me if he does not marry me??

 

[MissyEchelon]

At the end of the day, the one thing you two should be able to do with eachother amongst anything else, whether you're married or not, is be open and honest and forthcoming with your feelings towards eachother.
How would a relationship, let alone a marriage, survive if you can't at least do that?

You need to sit down on a regular basis and just talk to eachother, voice any concerns, tell him exactly how you feel... Maybe the situation is clearer or could be easily sorted just with a little communication.

Otherwise, couple therapy isn't anything to be ashamed of.
Everyone at some point in their lives needs to ask for help and that's ok. It just means you need some added guidance, and that you both value your relationship so much that you want to work on fixing it and making it stronger, rather than just throw it away.

I really hope you two can talk thing through and get this sorted xxx

 

[lifesabeach]

Hi everyone, I'm still trying to find my feet around ths site. Am I even in the right post? I'm from South Africa and we don't have such sites available at all. Anyway can anyone help me out here please. I've been in a relationship for 5 years. 2 years ago my boyfriend proposed to me but then we started fighting a lot and he withdrew his proposal saying that living together is the same thing as marriage and because he had been married before, he was not going to take another chance on marriage again. I have also been married before. After many tears and pain and because I loved him dearly I accepted the fact. Although still kept wearing his ring. Go figure...lots of confussion as some people would ask me whats happening? Getting married or not??
2 years down the line I cracked, which is now! I realised that I gave up too much of what I wanted and that was to be married. I don't want to be 80 years old and have a boyfriend :-(.. that is just totally pethetic to me. Being committed means the world to me and I gave it up for him. My hurt and pain came back with a vengance.
I confronted him with all this. He was shocked and realised that he was going to loose me. He admited that 2 years ago he made a huge mistake and he stuffed up big time by not marrying me and asked me to marry him now. I refused! He gave me a ring 2 years ago to keep me knowing well that he did not want marriage and he is doing the same thing now. He knows has asked me to tell him what he needs to do to fix it but I can't tell him what to do as I don't think he can fix it. He asked me to give him some time to come up with something to fix it and then I can decide if it's good enough for me..
I just have so many hurtful feelings inside, like I was not good enough back then for him to marry me and now he wants to marry me only becaus I brought the subject up ..?? How will I ever know that he really wants to marry me.. my whole fairytale has been ruined..
My question is, do I give him that second chance and marry him??

Giving relationship advice is really not my thing (lol! I should stop...) but your post resonated with me as I was in a similar situation as you are in. Just ask yourself if you are in love? if you could not imagine living without that person, if the thought of not having them around makes you so sad....If you feel you love him then I would say let go of past grudges and focus on how you feel about him NOW. If you love him right now then the answer is simple. Just follow your heart =)

 

[VanillaCreme]

Morning..
In my opinion you don't need others opinions! And another opinion is.. marriage is just another invention of the human mind. We don't need it to be happy. It is superficial, but sure, maybe a bit romantic. What really matters is how you feel for each other, what you both want, all along the way, every day, every week, not some vows, or a piece of paper.
Lots of animals mate for life, and they don't get married, still.. they are faithful and content with their partner! :O

I'll have to agree with this completely. I also think that being married doesn't mean anyone's committed. You can be so without being married.

But, honestly, you should follow your heart when it comes to this. If he thinks just being together is perfectly fine, you shouldn't have to try and change his mind. Because even if you manage to, he might feel some type of way about it later down the line.

 

[frey12]

You have been in a relationship for 5 years. I don't understand how you don't get you two are committed to each other. He wants to marry you now. You are committed.

 

[Walley]

i dated my wife for 10 years before we married. and now been married another 17years.
but its just a technicality. weve been together 27 yrs.
take your time and the time will come

 

[Susana]

At the end of the day, the one thing you two should be able to do with eachother amongst anything else, whether you're married or not, is be open and honest and forthcoming with your feelings towards eachother.
How would a relationship, let alone a marriage, survive if you can't at least do that?

You need to sit down on a regular basis and just talk to eachother, voice any concerns, tell him exactly how you feel... Maybe the situation is clearer or could be easily sorted just with a little communication.

Otherwise, couple therapy isn't anything to be ashamed of.
Everyone at some point in their lives needs to ask for help and that's ok. It just means you need some added guidance, and that you both value your relationship so much that you want to work on fixing it and making it stronger, rather than just throw it away.

I really hope you two can talk thing through and get this sorted xxx

Hi there, thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate it. We are trying to sort it out and he has realised that his made a huge mistake and has vowed to fix it somehow. I am basically waiting to see how his going to fix it and then take things from there. I can't deny that this has hurt me badly and I am sitting in limpo at the moment but I won't make any drastic decisions until he proofs to me that this time he really does want to marry me and that his serious about it. I don't want to just throw what we have away. Thanks.

 

[Susana]

Hi everyone, I'm still trying to find my feet around ths site. Am I even in the right post? I'm from South Africa and we don't have such sites available at all. Anyway can anyone help me out here please. I've been in a relationship for 5 years. 2 years ago my boyfriend proposed to me but then we started fighting a lot and he withdrew his proposal saying that living together is the same thing as marriage and because he had been married before, he was not going to take another chance on marriage again. I have also been married before. After many tears and pain and because I loved him dearly I accepted the fact. Although still kept wearing his ring. Go figure...lots of confussion as some people would ask me whats happening? Getting married or not??
2 years down the line I cracked, which is now! I realised that I gave up too much of what I wanted and that was to be married. I don't want to be 80 years old and have a boyfriend :-(.. that is just totally pethetic to me. Being committed means the world to me and I gave it up for him. My hurt and pain came back with a vengance.
I confronted him with all this. He was shocked and realised that he was going to loose me. He admited that 2 years ago he made a huge mistake and he stuffed up big time by not marrying me and asked me to marry him now. I refused! He gave me a ring 2 years ago to keep me knowing well that he did not want marriage and he is doing the same thing now. He knows has asked me to tell him what he needs to do to fix it but I can't tell him what to do as I don't think he can fix it. He asked me to give him some time to come up with something to fix it and then I can decide if it's good enough for me..
I just have so many hurtful feelings inside, like I was not good enough back then for him to marry me and now he wants to marry me only becaus I brought the subject up ..?? How will I ever know that he really wants to marry me.. my whole fairytale has been ruined..
My question is, do I give him that second chance and marry him??

Giving relationship advice is really not my thing (lol! I should stop...) but your post resonated with me as I was in a similar situation as you are in. Just ask yourself if you are in love? if you could not imagine living without that person, if the thought of not having them around makes you so sad....If you feel you love him then I would say let go of past grudges and focus on how you feel about him NOW. If you love him right now then the answer is simple. Just follow your heart =)

Thanks for your advice.

---

Morning..
In my opinion you don't need others opinions! And another opinion is.. marriage is just another invention of the human mind. We don't need it to be happy. It is superficial, but sure, maybe a bit romantic. What really matters is how you feel for each other, what you both want, all along the way, every day, every week, not some vows, or a piece of paper.
Lots of animals mate for life, and they don't get married, still.. they are faithful and content with their partner! :O

I'll have to agree with this completely. I also think that being married doesn't mean anyone's committed. You can be so without being married.

But, honestly, you should follow your heart when it comes to this. If he thinks just being together is perfectly fine, you shouldn't have to try and change his mind. Because even if you manage to, he might feel some type of way about it later down the line.

This is my exact concern. I have wanted it much more than him as he withdrew his proposal two years ago. So how can I trust the fact that he is ready now for marriage? And I don't want to force him into marriage just because I want it. As you say, down the line he may throw it back in my face..and I don't want that. I wanted it to come freely from him and it diden"'t..