Here goes...advice needed

[LoneWanderer]

Being socially inexperienced has hindered my ability to know what is and what is not appropriate. Therefore I seek advice from the more well versed and also from those who have a theoretical solution.

I have got a new job. I commute 2 hours on the bus each way. At lunch times I go for lunch at a fast food restaurant.

I seem to have gotten into a regular habit of talking to the cleaner, whom I discovered is 4 years younger than me by a recent conversation -- namely our Birthdays are one week apart!

Now I don't know how to move forward on our my POV 'friendship' - I say that abstractivly. I don't know if we are or could be friends. I don't know what to do. Because I am unaware what normal behaviour is, I tend not to interact with others.

How I met her: I smiled at her once when getting some napkins. I'm not sure why, i just saw her working so hard and I guess I might have felt something. Anyway thought nothing of it. The next day she starting talking to me.

In shock I was did not really know what to do or say. Feeling awkward and embarked the next day I said hi and talked to her about something I thought about the previous night as an apology for not saying nothing before.

So now everything we see each other and start talking. I've noticed recently that she touches my arm, sometimes. I've ruled out a cultural thing, so it could means she likes me or could just mean nothing. But since I am inexperienced I am not sure if I should do the same thing back, when why etc. I am not a touchy person.

I would like to see her in an informal setting to get to know her more. Now I've been thinking and kicking myself today. It is her birthday gone and I did ask her what she is doing. She said nothing. Therefore my question is was this an opportunity for me to offer to do something with her on her birthday?

I am not sure why I posted it here on this sub forum. Maybe wishful thinking.

Am I simply thinking too much?

 

[Sci-Fi]

Yes, it was an opportunity to do something for her birthday, and yeah you probably are thinking too much. Sometimes you just have to seize the moment or lose it altogether forever.

 

[jaguarundi]

Am I simply thinking too much?

Let me see, how can I put this ... YES. your little brain is going around like hamster in a wheel, so relax a bit or you ]will fall out and break a paw.

I would say that if she and you are talking regularly and she is touching you, shej is likely interested .. Ask her out, tho maybe not on her birthday, which is perhaps a bit too personal for a 1st date, altlho others might not agree with me there. If she says no, well at least you turned from hamster-wheel guy into action man. And the best of luck to you sweetie...

 

[ShybutHi]

Yes, I think you are over thinking things a bit and it is easy to do so in these situations.
If she is touching you it is certainly a good sign! She is probably comfortable in your presence and she may even be attracted to you.

You say you would like to get to know her better... Perhaps ask her if she would like to go for a drink somewhere sometime!
Asking just after you have a conversation might make it a bit easier.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Go for it, dude. You never know until you try, and by the looks of it, she seems to enjoy your company so it seems quite promising I think. Good luck!

 

[Dr. Strangelove]

The arm touching is a giveaway. She likes you and her actions are not just simply worker-client related.

 

[Case]

I concur with the arm touching. She is telling you she likes you. Only a date can tell you how much she likes you.

This is "go-time." You should ask her out and see what happens. All the signs are there that she would be receptive to this. Take a chance.

 

[LoneWanderer]

Ok so the good news is I plucked up the courage to ask her. (Thanks guys!!!)

The bad news is I did not get a definite yes and thought of something to say AFTER I left. LMAO I'm terrible like this.

Saw her today, she looked really sad. Asked her how she was etc etc...sympathized with her for a bit. She explained she not allowed to talk to her friends at work so I said in that case "I been meaning to ask you if you want to go for Starbucks someday. What time you have a break on Monday" she said "I don't know up to Boss, see you on Monday we see what happens".

So ****, I just thought of a really good thing to say as I was going outside i.e. AFTER the event....every...time.

 

[LoneWanderer]

Update.

Ok well, I'll explain the story so you can see if I acted inappropriately.

Well I went for lunch at my normal time. Smiled and said hi. She seemed busy so didn't really talk. Had my lunch, put it in bin. Was about to leave but thought to myself I should go speak to her

Went up to her, said
"hey have you had lunch yet"
she says "yeah sorry had it earlier"
"see you around then"
"yeah...I see you on Thursday probably" so then I smiled back.

***so embarrising***

 

[jaguarundi]

***so embarrising***

Why was it embarrassing?? Look, you got up the courage to ask the girl, which is a lot more than some of the people on this very forum manage to do. That action, right there, was the start of you knowing that you can do something that seems so hard. Like anything else, practice makes perfect, so if you see another girl you like, you can ask her.

And guess what? You aren't dead, she didn't rip your head off and devour your still pulsing body in front of your very own eyes (at least you wrote this post so I assume not? If so, AAAARRRGGGHH zombie alert zombie alert..)

However, I'm still considering what went on with this girl. And I'm not sure that the situation is hopeless. It's quite possible that she was expecting you to fix a date with you. You are going to see her again on Thursday. SO ASK HER AGAIN. This time see if perhaps you can't meet up before her work starts, or after it finishes, that way she won't be limited by the hours her boss wants her to work.

If meeting her before work means you have to get up at 6am - do it. Similarly if it means getting home late at night. Try to pin her down to a definite day and time. Without seeming like you are stalking her, obviously. (And don't sodding well obsess about my stalking joke - I mean be determined without coming over as creepy is all).

If she still seems very hesitant, well, cross that bridge when you get there.

You have not been inappropriate. You just need to try a teeny bit harder, is all. At the end of the day, you have to regard this as practice. I don't care what men say, write on the toilet wall in insalubrious bars, or pretend to each other. Most blokes aren't that good at this, and were probably terrible the first few times they ever asked a girl out. Even Casanova had to start somewhere (slightly bad example but you get the point).

OK? OK then.

 

[WishingWell]

I agree that asking her out again would be a good idea. Maybe you might want to ask her when she can go out after work and ask if she'd like to get a bite to eat at a local place, and name one. Then add if you don't like it there, you can choose where to go. This will show her you really want to go out with her, that you are open to her suggestions, and that you care about how she feels. The day before, you can ask her if she chose a place she'd like to go yet and if she did, ask her what time is good for her, and make arrangements. Try not to obsess about it. It will possibly change your outlook and the way you act in front of her.

 

[LoneWanderer]

Thank you very much for your replies. I was at work so could not add the detail to the post. Didn't want others to find out etcetc.

When I first went in I was looking for her casually looking around trying not to raise suspicion. I saw her at the back talking to one of her colleagues. If my mind does not deceive me she had her finger pointing in my direction.

I am not sure why it would be a good idea?

Maybe I am thinking too much but as I explained in previous posts there is a 4 year age gap.

> She probably thinks I'm some pervert for 'going after' young women.
> Now probably all of her work colleagues know who I am and what I look like, not sure if I want to go in there and eat again.

I don't even know why I asked her. All I did was want to tell her something in relative private i.e. away from work to make her feel better from what something she told me about. Now all these days have passed and she has probably forgot about it. What is there left for me to say. Nothing. So what's the point of me even trying again.

Did not mention it to her but I can't see her on Thursday since got day off anyway. I'm not sure I fancy the 1 and half hours trek into the capital. She probably doesn't want to see me anyway and probably regrets ever saying hi to me in the first place. I'm stupid thinking this is even possible to be honest.

I don't know. Think I am way over my head on this one. I don't have any other friends, only one work colleague who I saw once after work and that is it. I don't drink, I don't smoke I don't like loud noise, I don't like crowds. I don't really like talking to strangers. I am also vegetarian so I don't do what many people my age seem to do. I fail at life.

 

[jaguarundi]

You are hamster wheeling again, aren't? WELL STOP IT!

Honestly. . . you nit! You are just talking yourself into a daft funk, and it is silly. You have no idea why (or even if) she was pointing at you, and if she was she might have been saying, 'I like that guy.'

The age gap - is she underage? Are you underage? Is 4 years that big a deal? Really?

You are making excuses, you know you are.

I repeat .. you are being a nit. Try again. If nothing happens how can you possibly be worse off than you are now? And - oh yes, so Thursday is no good. When you see her just explain it, you do have a tongue in your head? And she has ears?

Sheesh! I cannot find a smiley for 'shakes head in disbelief.'

That's all from me. Now I need to go and lie down with a damp cloth over my eyes....

 

[LoneWanderer]

Nah I don't know.

Right now I feel in the way. It felt uncomfortable so I didn't ask her.

When I went up to her I said 'hello'
she said 'I didn't see you come in'
???

Ask her about work etc etc

Never been good with people.

Thanks for your help anyway.

 

[jaguarundi]

Nah I don't know.

Right now I feel in the way. It felt uncomfortable so I didn't ask her.

When I went up to her I said 'hello'
she said 'I didn't see you come in'
???

Ask her about work etc etc

Never been good with people.

Thanks for your help anyway.

Oh dear! If you don't want to, you don't want to. I am saddened by this, but it's your life. Just remember that you did have the gumption to try initially, and don't let yourself get all bitter and sour-grapes about it. Promise, cross your heart and hope to die?

 

[LoneWanderer]

Don't know what to say.

Went in again. She did not seem that bothered. Or she was busy. Or she did not want anyone to know that she talks to me. Any case this is way over my head. So I obviously did not ask her anything.

On the weekend when I saw her I said hope you are feeling better. She said yes. So that ended that one. You see. I should have said what I wanted to say (3 weeks ago) then and there but it is hard for me to speak. So.

Sometimes I get these things in my head. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway. Don't feel sad - status quo.

 

[jaguarundi]

Don't know what to say.

Went in again. She did not seem that bothered. Or she was busy. Or she did not want anyone to know that she talks to me. Any case this is way over my head. So I obviously did not ask her anything.

On the weekend when I saw her I said hope you are feeling better. She said yes. So that ended that one. You see. I should have said what I wanted to say (3 weeks ago) then and there but it is hard for me to speak. So.

Sometimes I get these things in my head. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway. Don't feel sad - status quo.

I think you could still try again with her, but I won't push you anymore if that's how you feel. But I say again, you did try - probably more than you normally would, which is a huge step for you I'm thinking? So be proud of yourself. Really!

You will do better next time an opportunity arises, with someone else, and you will always have the support of people here to do so. And you were thinking (I suspect, 'cos I am not in your head) that it would be nice to get to know her, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

[LoneWanderer]

Thanks for being so kind.

Yes. I think I documented in here somewhere my 'experiences' of women - I.e. none. I also don't have any friends. So this is an even bigger deal for me than someone else.

From my observations it seems most people like to talk. I don't feel the need to talk all the time which lies the problem. I am uninteresting and uninterested in what people have to say...most of the time. I can and do listen for a while until it gets to much then I leave, politely making excuse etc.

My mum taught me well. She taught me how to appear interested in what people have to say, which is a good survival skill in a work environment. But closer inspection I think people eventually discover my true self. Evidence by possessing no friendships.

They don't like me, I don't like them. It makes us even. I don't care.

My boss told me itself 'wakes up' and is more alert when talking. I experience the opposite effect.

Most of the time I am bored. I feel like I am in the back seat of a car watching the world go by. I had it in my head last month I would try to change this and try to not pass up on opportunities.

I don't know why she talked to me when she did, maybe she was being polite or maybe she has discovered my true uninteresting self. But the fact is people want other people to talk and "connect" to. I know I won't be able to provide this anyway bases on my life so far. Does it make me sad. Yes. But only for a little while.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

An icebreaker I've successfully used has been the written word to express my interest in someone. Putting that message you've wrote into someone's hands can lead to dizzying possibilities or nothing at all but at least you've made the effort.

The first time I did it was in my early twenties in a small rural town in Alberta (in Canada). I'd seen this lady (found out later she was early thirties) a waitress, who smiled at me in a way that left me dumbstruck. I was kind of cocky back then but I simply didn't know what to say so I wrote it out and slipped it to her the next day. She caught up to me in the parking lot and we set a date for that afternoon, it was the start of a three month whirlwind romance that I still have very pleasant memories of (taking a moment here to pause and reflect happily....).

It's something I've done several times and I've always left a phone number to contact me- some might prefer using an email address but that's too impersonal for me. Whether something came of it or not they always called, even if it was to say "Sorry, I'm with someone but it was very sweet of you....".

If you choose to write be yourself, be honest, and be original. I've always found a blank card that seemed appropriate for the situation (nothing overly flowery, nothing adorned with cute little puppies or kittens, and never, ever get something with sappy sentiments on it). Put some thought into it....have a notepad at hand and start writing. It might take awhile- might be a few minutes, might take a couple of days. Make each word count and write it in the way you'd like to say it- you've indicated coming up with something you'd wished you'd said after you've left, that's an indication to me that you put thought into meaningful encounters so draw on that.

A Norman Cousins quote just came to mind- "The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live." The encounters you've had with this young lady are meaningful to you- act on it.

That's my two cents....

 

[LoneWanderer]

That's a good idea. I never thought about giving the piece of paper to the girl. What I used to do was write down what I wanted to say down as it should have been, and say it to her. Once (obviously a different person) I even brought it out and referred to it. Never thought about actually giving the piece of paper to her. So good idea.

Anyway as of now. Writing this and it seems things have gone back to "normal". I feel nothing when I see her. It even felt a drag to say hello back.

Thanks for the advice anyway I know what to do next time.

And thanks for the encouragement from you all. Probably would not have got this far without the support.