Here goes...advice needed

[jaguarundi]

We look forward to hearing your further adventures in the world of dating...

 

[WildernessWildChild]

^What jag said.

 

[ringwood]

An icebreaker I've successfully used has been the written word to express my interest in someone. Putting that message you've wrote into someone's hands can lead to dizzying possibilities or nothing at all but at least you've made the effort.

The first time I did it was in my early twenties in a small rural town in Alberta (in Canada). I'd seen this lady (found out later she was early thirties) a waitress, who smiled at me in a way that left me dumbstruck. I was kind of cocky back then but I simply didn't know what to say so I wrote it out and slipped it to her the next day. She caught up to me in the parking lot and we set a date for that afternoon, it was the start of a three month whirlwind romance that I still have very pleasant memories of (taking a moment here to pause and reflect happily....).

It's something I've done several times and I've always left a phone number to contact me- some might prefer using an email address but that's too impersonal for me. Whether something came of it or not they always called, even if it was to say "Sorry, I'm with someone but it was very sweet of you....".

If you choose to write be yourself, be honest, and be original. I've always found a blank card that seemed appropriate for the situation (nothing overly flowery, nothing adorned with cute little puppies or kittens, and never, ever get something with sappy sentiments on it). Put some thought into it....have a notepad at hand and start writing. It might take awhile- might be a few minutes, might take a couple of days. Make each word count and write it in the way you'd like to say it- you've indicated coming up with something you'd wished you'd said after you've left, that's an indication to me that you put thought into meaningful encounters so draw on that.

A Norman Cousins quote just came to mind- "The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live." The encounters you've had with this young lady are meaningful to you- act on it.

That's my two cents....

Plus in a world full of cold, impersonal emails and texting, the written word is a wonderfully romantic gesture seldom seen these days.

 

[Triple Bogey]

That's a good idea. I never thought about giving the piece of paper to the girl. What I used to do was write down what I wanted to say down as it should have been, and say it to her. Once (obviously a different person) I even brought it out and referred to it. Never thought about actually giving the piece of paper to her. So good idea.

Anyway as of now. Writing this and it seems things have gone back to "normal". I feel nothing when I see her. It even felt a drag to say hello back.

Thanks for the advice anyway I know what to do next time.

And thanks for the encouragement from you all. Probably would not have got this far without the support.

I have been in your situation dozens of times. I always hated it. I never had any success whatsoever. It's depressing.

Funny the only date I ever got was leaving a message on facebook - 'we will have to go for coffee sometime' - I used that and she got back to me with a positive reply. That is a lot easier.

 

[LoneWanderer]

I need some encouragement...maybe. OR something else I don't know.

Feelings of doubt
The thing is I'm not good at these things. On one hand I could leave tomorrow and never go back there and probably feel nothing. On the other hand something has been bothering me...more later but right now I'm not sure what the situation is - have not had the courage to ask her direct again. I don't want to sound rude or weird - I'm starting to think this behaviour IS making me weird. Kind of like a paradox. I don't like open public places, nor being in front of people if I'm honest. I did go through a phase to think not having a girlfriend is weird but concluded it was the sensible thing to do financially and logically since I don't have any desire for human contact nor intimacy or meaningless "petty" conversations.

Do I "fancy" her? - What does it mean to "fancy" someone anyway? I never got a proper answer when I asked one of my school colleagues in high school.

This girl is the exception, for some reason I "feel" different when I see her, unfortunately I don't know if I am going through a phase or what.

Not "well versed in etiquette" - Killer Queen, Queen. Love that song

Saying "hello good morning" to work colleagues is such a drag in itself I hate to listen about all their honeysuckle I don't care about.

So I write what I think for you to assess. Feedback would be nice, if you got time. Kudos for the person who reads this thing in its entirety. I do drag on a bit don't I?

Background on why I am beginning to think of her more recently
For reasons I know not, recently we have resumed talking and this got me thinking.

This is strange. Last week or so I can't remember, possibly two weeks ago I saw this particular subject have a conversation with this other man, an older gentleman - just another customer. Get this, for some reason I was quite resentful.

I hope this is not "Paranoia strikes deep" - For What It's Worth - Buffalo Springfield. Also like that song

"Why does she talk to him instead of me?"
"Am I that weird?"
"What did I do to deserve this?"

LOL normally I could not give a crap.

Start of theory, tin hats on please

Now the thing is. I got this other cleaner (the subject's colleague) giving me weird looks...I think...(no direct evidence) because I spotted her looking at me really strangely a few days ago. I needed to wipe my face so I looked up and saw her looking at me, like a deep cold stare, like if I was some nutter or pervert or something. I come in whenever I work at the same time, eat my lunch and go. Sometimes if the subject is there I say hello/goodbye and sometimes speak to her for less than 30 seconds. I don't see what the problem is personally.

I think her colleague "tested" me this week. I've recently noticed her bending down, wiping down the tables etc with her back to me. Somebody from the counter attended the scene and they were talking. My theory is the counter girl is a look-out in a plot to possibly an attempt to lure me into staring at her lower limb and thus proving her point. She did this a few times during this week. Whilst I can see the potential for men to look, I personally find it rude, inappropriate, embarrassing and uncivilized to look at someone else's buttocks and I actively seek to look elsewhere. However, as I explained previously "that" is not my primary motive anyway, for her or the subject.

I can perhaps understand her colleague, being a migrant worker I suspect she going by her previous experiences of what I would suggest herself being exploited by another man, customer or whatever in her own country or in my own and is perhaps protecting the subject. Anyway I appreciate her concern but as I explained above, my primary motive is not sexual intercourse. The thought of that, if I'm honest quite honest, disgusts me.

End of theory

The World of Tomorrow?
Now the thing is, here are the facts. Without revealing too much the course she is studying at college I believe is because she likes children, possibly wanting children of her own in the future.

Children disgust me.

My mother recently actually relieved me the burden for having grandchildren having disclosed she went to a friends house to see her daughters grandchildren and the screaming etc put her off.

Or so she claims.

"Could this be reverse psychology?"

If I do not have children, the family name, however common it is will not be carried forward into the next generation. I used to think about this but have realized we are not in Medieval Europe any more so who cares?

Rant about the capital, doubts about future.

The subject also has family connections in London, a place where I do not live, nor desire to live in due to cost/housing crisis for example it costs anywhere between £550 suburbs - £1,000 rent a studio flat (for Americans this is a one bedroom apartment). WTF? My parents pay £600 a month mortgage for a three-bed detached house where I live now.

She also, from what I gather from her actions and tone of voice when she disclosed which area lives, is rather embarrassed which suggests she currently lives in an undesirable area. Which worries me - financial arguments in the future.

Plus also looking at statistics of divorce rates is worrying.

Final question
So I guess my question is, what's the point of it all?

Concluding thoughts
I was going to write her a note about my feelings. But what the fresia is all the above? I would just be lying.

Quite the contrary, I do not think I am being selfish I think she probably deserves a better candidate than myself.

edit: I put in bold some paragraph titles to make reading easier...maybe.