Welcome arekkuss. You're off to a good start here, and with an issue that many of us can relate to.
I understand the various legitimate reasons to dislike people and to keep the defenses up. And as one gets older, screwed over and rejected by more people and more ways than ever, it can become most easy and comfortable to slowly withdraw and remain a loner. But, ...
I believe that we were created for a purpose, and that not only entails knowing and loving our Creator, but learning how to love others. For me, the first part is a whole lot easier than the second. But, we have a life time to work on it, and we achieve that by engaging with all kinds of people, including the unloving, ungiving, difficult ones.
So, you don't know what to do about your conflicting desires to embrace or avoid people and relationships? I would encourage you to first look at the big picture of your life and decide what you want to accomplish with it. And I'll give you a hint from a Christian perspective. Our 50 or 100 years here is short and temporary, and the only thing we take with us after this life is our souls and the relationships we've built. In the end, they're all that last or matter. If you want to go to heaven and have Jesus, family, friends, or other loved ones there to greet you, then you need to build those relationships now. Once you decide on that need and intent, everyone else here will be glad to share their ideas and encouragement for how best to pursue it.
