Holding grudges

[WritersBlock]

First I just wanted say hi to everyone. In a nutshell my life has been nothing but rejection from females due to being overweight and 'too nice'. Been friend zoned more times than I can count and nearing my mid thirties and never had a girlfriend or done the deed.

I do have a dilemma though. I had the biggest crush on this girl in highschool but she didnt give me the time of day. She was nice but I just wasn't her type and she sought other opportunities. Fast forward and now she's divorced with a 14 year old and I saw her out recently. I lost alot of weight and she complemented on how good I looked and on FB she always wants to chit chat. I'm pretty sure she's interested in me now and she's still attractive, but all I can think about was in highschool I wasn't good enough and ill be a rebound guy. The only rebounds I want to be a part of is when I play basketball, lol. Thanks for any thoughts

 

[EJH]

Congratz on your weightloss And why don't you just ask her out, now looking back you'll soon figure out if you're just that rebound guy or not. Good luck

 

[Locke]

Hey WritersBlock, welcome to the forum!

People change. What she wanted in high school could be completely different than what she wants now. Or maybe the weight you lost did make you more attractive to her. You wanted to lose weight, right? If it helped to attract a woman, that's not a bad thing. Either way, that's a long time to hold a grudge.

I can't blame you for not wanting to be a rebound though. How long has she been divorced? Do you get the sense that she's not over it?

 

[Sci-Fi]

Welcome to the forum.

Maybe this girl realizes now how foolish she was back then. She's matured now and probably wants to set a good example for her kid. You can't hold a grudge against her for what she did when she was a kid herself, we all do foolish things when were young. It's who you become not who you were that matters.

 

[ardour]

What was that, 12-14 years ago? She's a different person now, as are you.

 

[theraab]

Is the issue that you aren't sure that you want to forgive her or that you don't want to be a rebound?

That is a long time to hold a grudge, and if you don't let it go you probably never will - but the fact that you're even asking about this makes me think you are willing to get rid of the grudge and give her a chance. On the other hand, if you are worried about it being a rebound - there's no way to know that, but even if it is just a rebound, that doesn't mean it's not worth pursuing.

 

[Bones]

+1

Welcome to the forum.

Maybe this girl realizes now how foolish she was back then. She's matured now and probably wants to set a good example for her kid. You can't hold a grudge against her for what she did when she was a kid herself, we all do foolish things when were young. It's who you become not who you were that matters.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

This is all way too common, unfortunately.

I don't have a story like this, but I do have a story. A lot of friends, who were former enemies, I've forgiven from those days. But part of me wonders why they want to be friends now...they hated me back then. I am the same awesome person I was in high school, although older.

On the other hand, I have a guy who is probably no longer my friend, and that is because we have grown apart, and he changed. So probably people do change. Maybe I'm not recognizing it in myself.

 

[WritersBlock]

@Everyone, thanks for replying. She's only been divorced for a year or two and she was married for maybe 4 or so years. I'm really not a grudge holding type but you just remember certain feelings, especially rejection and it always hurts, so I guess when I see her those memories flood back. Also she has a 14 year old. I'll be honest and say that my experience in relationships is null and void and I'm worried that ill have issues with him and his dad and I don't want to deal with that as my first serious relationship. She told me the boy has been rowdy since the divorce so how will he react to me?

 

[Sci-Fi]

Oh you can pretty much expect what you expect. I had a friend who picked up and left her husband, took her kids too and moved back home. Her kids loved me but when she asked them what they thought of us dating her oldest boy who was 7 at the time didn't like the idea. That didn't change his feelings towards me though, but if we did start dating that probably would have changed. He was wanting his parents getting back together. Her little girl liked the idea though. Teenagers are just naturally rebellious as it is, and if he's been rowdy since the divorce the two of you dating won't help that much. It is something she would have to talk to her son about, how he'd feel about her dating.

 

[cicerolion]

There isn't really a right move here. I don't think there is anything wrong with having this kind of grudge. You seem in touch with the reality of the situation, which is that she hasn't changed, her situation has. Her evaluation of where she stands in life now matches her opinion of you. It doesn't make her a bad person for being this way, just kind of disappointing. That doesn't mean you have to be OK with it. You were relegated to a kind of lesser status when you were younger, and now that it fits with people's self interest you might have some opportunities to have what you didn't. If you choose to return their rejection, it doesn't make you the same as them. On the other hand, it doesn't seem like you are letting this paint your impression of her. You seem to genuinely want this relationship to happen. I think your issue is less that you resent being a fallback, and more that you think being fallback will forever mean that the relationship is lesser. Thing is, she might view you as cutting her losses now, that doesn't mean it will be that way forever. If you make this relationship work, then she will come to see you the same way she would see any other man in that situation. Love grows between two people once they've given each other a chance. I think you want this, and you shouldn't feel that it isn't as good because you waited.

 

[Rob82]

Before you go down that road with her, make sure that you're honest with yourself before making any decisions. What I mean by this, is that you've got to be honest in that you *are* 100% able to let it go. Because if you're only say 95% over it then you'll be left with that tiny 5% in the back of your mind. What's worse is that 5% can come back to haunt you. You know, say for example she does something at some point which is totally innocent (could be anything, like perhaps giving an old high-school male friend her number.) In your mind you might not think that it is innocent because you've got this niggling feeling that you never truly got over. I guess it'd be kind of amplified if the guy resembled her old 'type'. Obviously that's just a random scenario, it could be triggered by a ton of things.

Also, don't forget, there is a poor kid there whose parents have just split, so it'd be kind of bad if you got together, got close to him and then split 12 months down the road all because you weren't in the right frame of mind going in to the relationship.

On the other hand (and I hope for all parties that this is the case) if you can get to a point where you feel strong enough, then do it. Who knows? Maybe you'll live happily ever after