How can I make friends my age?

[el Jay]

As it's key to this thread: I'll be 28 in less than a month.

I've had a lot of trouble making lasting friends my whole life, but lately it really seems to be catching up to me.

I can't really meet people to fulfill this criteria at college, because most of them are 6-8 years younger than me. Not that they don't count as friends (although I still have trouble with that), but it's still not quite the same.

I don't really know of anywhere I can look to find people with similar interests. I'm a gamer, so I tend to look for people who are also into games, but I just don't know where to look. I can find friends easily enough on forums, and have for several years, but I'm no longer satisfied with that. My only actual friend (who started out as an online friend) is an hour away, which makes actually doing anything cumbersome.

Not really sure what exactly I'd be looking for, or where, except people that share my interests. Where would be a good place to look? Some of the friends I know online have groups that get together for gaming, or D&D stuff, but as with a lot of things, they just either evolved into or fell into such groups, without having actively searched. Are there any networking sites that would help someone find people like that?

My grandfather recently died, and he was one of my closest (and only) friends for years. So I guess I'm feeling much more lonely than I used to be, and getting a bit more desperate to actually find people to be involved in my life. Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Veruca]

I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather *hugs*. Losing someone we love is one of the hardest things to experience, especially if that person was your best friend. I can only imagine how lonely you must feel.

Perhaps you can try googling up for meet up groups etc for other gamers or boardgame groups? Like you said, a lot of them might not work for you, but maybe it'll take a few more tries.

Meeting people our age is difficult indeed, because it seems like everyone already has their own circle. If you don't mind meeting people from different parts of the world, maybe you can try expat forums for foreigners in your area who might be looking for friends. Or try asking your local bookshops if they have bookclubs (you can ask them what is the general age group of the members).

I'm not sure what your interests are other than gaming, but maybe you can list them all down and try to figure out where people in our age group might hang out or what they might be doing.

Hope this helps!

 

[ladyforsaken]

Oh gosh el Jay, I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. You've been so quiet. *hugs*

 

[quintus]

You wrote your grandfather was your best friend. Why is the age of the friends your are looking for important then? Just look for friends without the age factor in your mind. That may enlargen the possible choice, wouldn't it?
Really sorry for the loss of your best friend!

 

[Tiina63]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of your grandfather. Losing someone who was so close to you must have been very hard for you.
I tend to agree with quintus-why does age matter so much when it comes to friends? Sometimes you can find a really good friendship with someone from a different age group to yourself, so it is best not to limit your search for new friends to a certain age range.
On the other hand, I can also identify with what you are saying, because when you are 28 people who are 6 to 8 years younger than you in age can also seem much younger in terms of life experience and hopes and dreams. I went to university in 1984 at 26 and felt a big gulf between me and the 18 year olds on my course.
Maybe you could try and develop some close friendships with your fellow students (in another few years the gap won't seem important) and also try bookclubs as Veruca suggested amd other such groups where the age range might be wider and include people in their late twenties and early thirties.

 

[el Jay]

I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather *hugs*. Losing someone we love is one of the hardest things to experience, especially if that person was your best friend. I can only imagine how lonely you must feel.

Perhaps you can try googling up for meet up groups etc for other gamers or boardgame groups? Like you said, a lot of them might not work for you, but maybe it'll take a few more tries.

Meeting people our age is difficult indeed, because it seems like everyone already has their own circle. If you don't mind meeting people from different parts of the world, maybe you can try expat forums for foreigners in your area who might be looking for friends. Or try asking your local bookshops if they have bookclubs (you can ask them what is the general age group of the members).

I'm not sure what your interests are other than gaming, but maybe you can list them all down and try to figure out where people in our age group might hang out or what they might be doing.

Hope this helps!

I was thinking of googling for groups and whatnot, but I was curious if there might be any sort of networking sites specifically to help people find groups like this (and for those groups to advertise if they are looking for people).

Oh gosh el Jay, I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. You've been so quiet. *hugs*

Thanks. I was gonna PM you about it, but I didn't want to go off-topic with the PMs and stuff. I'm handling it fairly well, I guess, though I'm worried about my life situation when I finally need to move out of this house in the next year (where my dad is also living). I may make a topic for that, too, when I'm ready to.

You wrote your grandfather was your best friend. Why is the age of the friends your are looking for important then? Just look for friends without the age factor in your mind. That may enlargen the possible choice, wouldn't it?
Really sorry for the loss of your best friend!

Well, he was probably my "best" friend, but he wasn't a normal friend, honestly. It's more that he left a hole in my life that I'll never be able to fill to what it used to be, so I've got to do the best I can.

But one big reason for wanting people my age is that I can find people in the 6-8 years younger range at college now, and older people... well I can probably find them in my other interests. But I've never really had friends MY age, or around it (+/- 3 years or so). Mainly because of how much I was bullied in school, which is the main time when people largely socialize with people their age (or close to it).

For once, it'd be nice to just know people my own age with the same recreational interests as me (which is why I mentioned gaming). Having people around the same point in life and of similar maturity would go a long way towards feeling better about things. I don't mind having friends that don't fit this criteria (and can probably find plenty at college), so this is in addition to other age groups, not in exclusion of them.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of your grandfather. Losing someone who was so close to you must have been very hard for you.
I tend to agree with quintus-why does age matter so much when it comes to friends? Sometimes you can find a really good friendship with someone from a different age group to yourself, so it is best not to limit your search for new friends to a certain age range.
On the other hand, I can also identify with what you are saying, because when you are 28 people who are 6 to 8 years younger than you in age can also seem much younger in terms of life experience and hopes and dreams. I went to university in 1984 at 26 and felt a big gulf between me and the 18 year olds on my course.
Maybe you could try and develop some close friendships with your fellow students (in another few years the gap won't seem important) and also try bookclubs as Veruca suggested amd other such groups where the age range might be wider and include people in their late twenties and early thirties.

Your observation about the 18 year olds vs. yourself is exactly what I mean with the age thing. I can get along with them and I'm close enough that I can seem like more of an "older brother" than some sort of "mentor" like figure, and in fact I do generally get along with them as equals, without it feeling like there's any imbalance due to my age. Hell, most of them didn't even know how old I was until I said so; some mistook me for a normal 20 year old in college (I guess it's because my dad has some good "looking young" genes I inherited).

As I said though, it's more that friends my age that share my recreational interests are probably the hardest things to find, especially for me, and I usually only find them online. If not for my one good friend in real life (who I also met online originally), who's 25, I wouldn't have anyone.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Oh gosh el Jay, I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. You've been so quiet. *hugs*

Thanks. I was gonna PM you about it, but I didn't want to go off-topic with the PMs and stuff. I'm handling it fairly well, I guess, though I'm worried about my life situation when I finally need to move out of this house in the next year (where my dad is also living). I may make a topic for that, too, when I'm ready to.

Take your time, el Jay. Just know that I'm always here for you. And yes, I support you in making that thread when you're ready because it might help you get through certain things.

About your housing situation, all I can say is, take one step at a time and don't rush into things. I had to make the same move when my dad passed away - and all my relatives did were pressuring me to move out and rushing me, I hated that. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you. Please take care.

 

[Toby]

el Jay, I'm sorry for your loss. A friend, at any age, is very special. He sounds like a really great man and you were lucky to have shared that bond with him.

When I was growing up I was sort of into a gaming group at high school and they kind of introduced me to internet cafes, which you may know as where alot of gamers like to go. If there are any internet cafes in your area, maybe you can go along and just ask a random person or group (as you seem ok with talking to people) about whether you can join in their session. From there, you might meet more friends who live close by. You can also ask their age or find a bit about them during the session.

 

[perfanoff]

As it's key to this thread: I'll be 28 in less than a month.

I've had a lot of trouble making lasting friends my whole life, but lately it really seems to be catching up to me.

I can't really meet people to fulfill this criteria at college, because most of them are 6-8 years younger than me. Not that they don't count as friends (although I still have trouble with that), but it's still not quite the same.

I don't really know of anywhere I can look to find people with similar interests. I'm a gamer, so I tend to look for people who are also into games, but I just don't know where to look. I can find friends easily enough on forums, and have for several years, but I'm no longer satisfied with that. My only actual friend (who started out as an online friend) is an hour away, which makes actually doing anything cumbersome.

Not really sure what exactly I'd be looking for, or where, except people that share my interests. Where would be a good place to look? Some of the friends I know online have groups that get together for gaming, or D&D stuff, but as with a lot of things, they just either evolved into or fell into such groups, without having actively searched. Are there any networking sites that would help someone find people like that?

My grandfather recently died, and he was one of my closest (and only) friends for years. So I guess I'm feeling much more lonely than I used to be, and getting a bit more desperate to actually find people to be involved in my life. Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.

My condolences, El Jay.

 

[Regumika]

How did that one saying go? "You can't buy respect, you have to earn them."

I believe it is the same with friends. You can't really go and get friends, but you put yourself in a position (consider behavior) so that people want to be your friends.

Also remember that hanging up a bird feeder wont attract cats.

something else that I came across recently "I am 30, but I party like I'm 20. Until I party with 20 year olds, no... I'm 30."

 

[el Jay]

You wrote your grandfather was your best friend. Why is the age of the friends your are looking for important then? Just look for friends without the age factor in your mind. That may enlargen the possible choice, wouldn't it?
Really sorry for the loss of your best friend!

How did that one saying go? "You can't buy respect, you have to earn them."

I believe it is the same with friends. You can't really go and get friends, but you put yourself in a position (consider behavior) so that people want to be your friends.

Also remember that hanging up a bird feeder wont attract cats.

something else that I came across recently "I am 30, but I party like I'm 20. Until I party with 20 year olds, no... I'm 30."

Um, not quite sure what you mean. What I was looking for advice on is how to find people around my age that share interests, more effectively than I do now (which isn't at all, really). While the actual process of making friends still isn't terribly clear or easy to me, I know enough that friendship is two-sided and I can't just go "get" friends, because it has to be something we mutually enter into.

I don't get what you mean with the bird feeder comment, though.

 

[ucxb]

Hey el Jay, under different circumstances I feel you and I have similar concerns with making friends. Have you visited meetup.com ? I do not know if you live in a city or if it is outside the US. I have no experience with a meetup group to share but it is an online social tool to plan for events and such with a variety of interests to choose from (where I live there is anyways).

 

[Regumika]

Um, not quite sure what you mean. What I was looking for advice on is how to find people around my age that share interests, more effectively than I do now (which isn't at all, really). While the actual process of making friends still isn't terribly clear or easy to me, I know enough that friendship is two-sided and I can't just go "get" friends, because it has to be something we mutually enter into.

I don't get what you mean with the bird feeder comment, though.

What I was trying to say is that finding friends take time. Just because it's not happening doesn't mean it won't. Also, you need to put yourself out there, in the right places (bird feeder). I am sure you aren't looking for friends that are of particular personality (thugs/gangsters). So don't go put yourself in situations that you will attract those (not saying you are, but just as an example) but the same is true the other way around. If you are looking for friends that are similar to you. If you know the type of person you are, know the type of friends YOU want. Well, the same can be said for people like you, because you will know what THEY. Then it all becomes clear and all you need to do is to be the one that makes the first move, initiate. I know.. making that first move isn't easy.

 

[el Jay]

What I was trying to say is that finding friends take time. Just because it's not happening doesn't mean it won't. Also, you need to put yourself out there, in the right places (bird feeder). I am sure you aren't looking for friends that are of particular personality (thugs/gangsters). So don't go put yourself in situations that you will attract those (not saying you are, but just as an example) but the same is true the other way around. If you are looking for friends that are similar to you. If you know the type of person you are, know the type of friends YOU want. Well, the same can be said for people like you, because you will know what THEY. Then it all becomes clear and all you need to do is to be the one that makes the first move, initiate. I know.. making that first move isn't easy.

The problem is, I don't know where to even really look for friends my own age, or how to make the first move. I mentioned in other topics of mine that I was very badly and persistently bullied from when I was 9 until 15. Somewhere along the way, I missed out on learning a lot of the basics of socializing with other people and how to make friends. To this day, I'm still not really sure how to make friends, at least in real life (on the internet, I can manage, and have). Hell, my only friend in real life currently I met via my website (and knew him for over 4 years before we realized we only lived an hour apart).

I get along with people I meet easily enough, and talk with them and stuff. But I don't know how to take it to the level of being a "friend." Obviously it's not some magic switch that's either on or off, but advancing towards that is just foreign to me. But even that mostly applies to the other students at my college, who are 6-8 years younger than me, or to professors, who are 10+ years older (some of the newer ones may be closer to my age, but even they all have their PhDs).

As for it taking time, I'm 28. I've been "waiting" for most of this sort of thing to happen in my life for a decade now, and by and large, it hasn't, except on the internet (which counts for less and less as the years go by). If I knew how to actually go out, find people with similar interests, and make friends, I would've, but I don't know how and have a ton of anxiety about going out in general (which I'm gonna see a psych about soon). And no one I've known, such as college advisors, my parents, or whoever else, has ever been able to understand my situation well enough to actually give me advice or guidance, because they don't quite grasp I just never learned to socialize like most people.

 

[perfanoff]

El Jay, I have a suggestion - sometimes rather than finding people with similar interests, expanding your interests can also work

 

[ladyforsaken]

El Jay, I have a suggestion - sometimes rather than finding people with similar interests, expanding your interests can also work

That does make a lot of sense. I'd give that a try.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I know what you mean.

I am 30, and I have trouble making friends my age. They either are younger (like in their late teens or early 20's), or they are older (my best friend is in her 50's.)

I struggle to relate to people my age, who are all in happy marriages and have children, and I simply do not fit, because I've never been in a relationship and have no kids. I can relate, as an uncle to surrogate kids, but even with that I can't really state that I really know what it's like to be a parent.

 

[flaneur]

I get along with people I meet easily enough, and talk with them and stuff. But I don't know how to take it to the level of being a "friend." Obviously it's not some magic switch that's either on or off, but advancing towards that is just foreign to me. But even that mostly applies to the other students at my college, who are 6-8 years younger than me, or to professors, who are 10+ years older (some of the newer ones may be closer to my age, but even they all have their PhDs).

Facebook. There can be a lot of negative things about it, but I find it is almost essential these days in taking the step forward from acquaintance to friend. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise just because they failed to ignore the bad and take advantage of the good.

If I knew how to actually go out, find people with similar interests, and make friends, I would've, but I don't know how and have a ton of anxiety about going out in general (which I'm gonna see a psych about soon). And no one I've known, such as college advisors, my parents, or whoever else, has ever been able to understand my situation well enough to actually give me advice or guidance, because they don't quite grasp I just never learned to socialize like most people.

1) College clubs. Seriously. This is the single greatest, surest way to make friends based on a shared interest. Age won't even matter when everyone is on the same page about an interest, really. It's a shame that some people will miss this easy opportunity out of anxiety or laziness, only for it to get more difficult to make friends as they get older. If you're serious about making an effort to find new friends, please try this at least once.

2) Volunteering. Success will vary depending on where you volunteer. For example, hospitals tend to have a lot of aspiring medical students, bookstores have graduated intellectuals and services for the homeless have a variety of people. This won't always be the case, but it has been my experience. I don't know where you'd find gamers, since they're probably busy playing them at home . Internet cafes come to mind, but they might be obsolete given the ubiquity of wi-fi and web access nowadays.

3) Meetup.com. This is only one I haven't tried yet but will be doing so once the weather gets warm, for my more obscure interests, so I can't comment much on it other than that I hear success depends on how populated your location is.

Honestly, you haven't listed any real interests. When someone posts that they're a gamer and nothing else, it's a bad sign. Don't get me wrong, I think gaming is cool, but you're not going to achieve much social success based on that exclusively. If you focus on other interests, you will greatly increase your chances of making new friends. You like music? Attend concerts. Books? Local bookstore. Athletics? Find a group online. And so on.

 

[el Jay]

Facebook. There can be a lot of negative things about it, but I find it is almost essential these days in taking the step forward from acquaintance to friend. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise just because they failed to ignore the bad and take advantage of the good.

I am on Facebook, and I add people from college (especially ones I talk to more often). I don't know where to go from there, though.

1) College clubs. Seriously. This is the single greatest, surest way to make friends based on a shared interest. Age won't even matter when everyone is on the same page about an interest, really. It's a shame that some people will miss this easy opportunity out of anxiety or laziness, only for it to get more difficult to make friends as they get older. If you're serious about making an effort to find new friends, please try this at least once.

2) Volunteering. Success will vary depending on where you volunteer. For example, hospitals tend to have a lot of aspiring medical students, bookstores have graduated intellectuals and services for the homeless have a variety of people. This won't always be the case, but it has been my experience. I don't know where you'd find gamers, since they're probably busy playing them at home . Internet cafes come to mind, but they might be obsolete given the ubiquity of wi-fi and web access nowadays.

3) Meetup.com. This is only one I haven't tried yet but will be doing so once the weather gets warm, for my more obscure interests, so I can't comment much on it other than that I hear success depends on how populated your location is.

Honestly, you haven't listed any real interests. When someone posts that they're a gamer and nothing else, it's a bad sign. Don't get me wrong, I think gaming is cool, but you're not going to achieve much social success based on that exclusively. If you focus on other interests, you will greatly increase your chances of making new friends. You like music? Attend concerts. Books? Local bookstore. Athletics? Find a group online. And so on.

I do have other interests, but the issue is that gaming is the only one I've ever actually shared with other people and explored to that extent. For the past several years (mostly since I finished high school), I haven't been much of a social person, and almost all of my friends have been online and based around gaming. I never had the confidence to share my other interests or seek others or do stuff relating to them because if my anxiety issues.

It's only in the past two years that I've managed to be dissatisfied enough to start breaking out of the shell that my terrible experiences in school left me in, and it's been a very slow process. So I mainly mentioned gaming because it's still the only one I feel that confident about.

Other interests of mine include writing, cooking, and botany (and to a lesser extent, all of biology, and chemistry too). Also game design and development, but I'm working on a project with that right now. But most of those aren't things I'd be confident in sharing with other people, even if I found a place where I could. Especially since I'm specifically looking for real life stuff, not just an online community.

Hopefully when I can get some sort of medication or other treatment for my anxiety issues, this stuff will be easier for me.

 

[flaneur]

I am on Facebook, and I add people from college (especially ones I talk to more often). I don't know where to go from there, though.

In the case of my best friend, we commented and liked a lot of each other's status updates, eventually moving to messages/texts and hanging out.

Other interests of mine include writing, cooking, and botany (and to a lesser extent, all of biology, and chemistry too). Also game design and development, but I'm working on a project with that right now. But most of those aren't things I'd be confident in sharing with other people, even if I found a place where I could. Especially since I'm specifically looking for real life stuff, not just an online community.

Hopefully when I can get some sort of medication or other treatment for my anxiety issues, this stuff will be easier for me.

A biology club seems ideal, because you likely don't have to present any of your own work, just engage in discussions or visit museums (I think). I had anxiety as well, and it was clubs and eventual leader positions in them that got me out of it, although I wasn't willing to go to a therapist in the first place (stupid of me, I know, but my large ego means I'm always trying to treat myself). You're right in wanting to treat your anxiety issues with a psychologist before anything else though. If/when you do feel comfortable, I would try the college club thing, because your therapy will most likely involve getting out of your comfort zone. I think going in there would be a whole lot easier than other kinds of tasks of therapy, such as walking up to strangers.