How do guys feel about kids?

[Callie]

I don't need or want a surrogate mother for my kids, I've always managed fine on my own! All I'd need to know is that everyone could get along under the same roof on the nights I have them if we lived together. Thats all really.

Oh, I don't expect the guy to be a father or anything like that to my kids... a role model, yes, but not a father. They have a father, I would never try to replace him in their eyes.

My mom was the same way. If a guy she was dating tried to parent us she'd go all ape honeysuckle on him. We were her kids, it was her decision to have us so we were her responsibility to take care of. She wasn't going to let any man change that.

I'm not opposed to a guy taking charge of a situation. However, there are limits that I will allow, especially considering that my one child has medical problems. My parenting style isn't the "norm" so as long as he was okay with the way I choose to parent and doesn't cross lines, I'm okay with it.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I don't need or want a surrogate mother for my kids, I've always managed fine on my own! All I'd need to know is that everyone could get along under the same roof on the nights I have them if we lived together. Thats all really.

<3

 

[In a lonely place]

I think I personally would like it if a woman I was dating had children.
I've never had the chance to be a dad to anyone, so it would be an amazing bonus for me. I wouldn't expect to be a father to someone else's children - they may have a father in their lives already, but I would be prepared, I think, to be as big a part of their lives as they wanted.
I also accept that I would come second in the relationship with their mother quite often.

I get the impression you think guys wouldn't offer the level of commitment that you need or want?
I disagree.

 

[Callie]

I think I personally would like it if a woman I was dating had children.
I've never had the chance to be a dad to anyone, so it would be an amazing bonus for me. I wouldn't expect to be a father to someone else's children - they may have a father in their lives already, but I would be prepared, I think, to be as big a part of their lives as they wanted.
I also accept that I would come second in the relationship with their mother quite often.

I get the impression you think guys wouldn't offer the level of commitment that you need or want?
I disagree.

I suppose I do think that. But, I don't get a lot of guys that come around wanting me for much besides the physical aspect of things....if you know what I mean...and when they figure out it's not that easy to get from me, they usually run.

 

[edgecrusher]

ive never really been a kids person so i wouldnt date anyone that already has kids. and to be honest i dont want to have kids at all. but i seem to be in very small minority on that matter based on what ive seen and heard when talked about it with others.

 

[Ak5]

Since I'm 16, I don't think I have a properly-formed opinion regarding this topic.

But anyway, obviously, I have to like both her and the kids in order to date her. You have to be upfront about it IMHO, if the guy really loves you, he'll agree to be with you and your kids.

 

[Jack Tripper]

Okay, I've actually asked this question to a few of my guy friends and got mixed answers about it. So I'd like to get a more diverse opinion of it. I don't know if this has been asked before, but I did a quick search and couldn't find it.

Do guys want a ready made family?

Now, in my case it wouldn't be as simple as answering yes or no or maybe. I have two kids. One of which is mildly autistic. So it would be a lot to handle.
Would you consider dating a person that had kids? Would you consider dating a person that had kids with medical issues? I know that sounds harsh to add the second question there, but it IS a lot to handle.

Add on top of the fact that I have kids, the issues that I have. Some are pretty severe and some can make me sick. I guess I don't see how anyone could get past my massive issues to see me as a person, so why would anyone want to take on me AND my kids....

Honestly it would depend on how the relationship worked out how much of a roll I'd end up playing in the kids lives and so forth.....on the front of it I would not at all be opposed to dating somebody with kids.....it's not something that would not make me go out with you (or anybody else) to begin with.

As far as medical issues.....I'v dated people with Psychological issues...which aren't the same exactly but that's my experience.....and at times it can be taxing.....but not something that would initially put me off.

Hope this helped.

 

[frey12]

I have 3 opinions on this.

Opinion 1: I do not want kids of my own. I feel that I would break them and do not want to ever do what was done to me as a child repeated.

Opinion 2: I would date a single mother for two reasons. One I do not want to reproduce and I would see it as an easy way to dodge reproducing myself which comes with the requirement of having a person who has 0 kids. If you don't want kids and the other person does they will leave you over that. If I didn't have to worry about that it make me feel more at ease in a relationship which is why I am open to it. The second reason is I remember being in the child's position and all the bullshit I had to take from guys dating my mom. I already know how not to repeat this because I remember the feelings and memories. On top of that I enjoy kids as they are easier to interact with then people my own age group.

Opinion 3: I am not going to have option 2 any time soon or even a single person without kids option. So while I can say this and sound at least well thought out about it. Odds are i have another 5-10 years of being alone before I find someone who can tolerate my ass.

 

[Badjedidude]

Kids are great with picante sauce.

 

[BlueArtist]

I truly can't answer it out of experience; I've never dated a single mom or any woman for that matter.
I think it would depend on the person in question, everybody is different and our tastes, emotional maturity and needs are different.

I used to tell myself that I would never date a woman with children because:
1. I do not have children of my own and I really have no experience with children
2. like somebody else mentioned issues that may arise from the children’s father and visitation rights.
3. what if the child absolutely despises you since you are taking away some his/her time with their mother?

But I'm not getting younger in my years and finding a partner who does not have children is becoming more difficult.

Recently I've realised that I'm starting to like a friend/acquaintance of mine who is a single mom, but how does one approach such a situation? I know her time is extremely limited due to her full-time job, caring for her 2 year old daughter and time she needs to spend with her friends and all the usual things that us single, childless people also have to deal with.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I’ve dated single mothers who have been quick to cast me in the role as father (male teachers will get this A LOT from their student’s mothers) and others who have made me a role model and nothing more. In all honesty it depends on the woman, or to be specific how we feel about each other. I know that some men would baulk at the idea of entering a ready made family especially if they were expected to instantly become a father, guardian, role model and bread winner (which does happen) while others wouldn’t have a problem.

It’s hard to give a specific answer for all men but for the record one mother I dated had two kids (one an autistic son) and I didn’t see it as a problem. She was realistic; she didn’t expect me to be the all-encompassing cure-all to fix both her and her kids (again this also happens on occasion) and introduced me into her family gradually so I didn’t feel overwhelmed. I think guys, especially those without kids themselves, can be confused on what role they are expected to take on in regards to children and that needs to be given a little extra attention when dating single parents.

 

[Badjedidude]

(male teachers will get this A LOT from their student’s mothers)

That's a GOOD thing, believe it or not. And male teachers are and should be prepared to take such a role.

Most students come from a dysfunctional or separated family, and so are in need of a stable male role model. We need more male teachers in the schools to facilitate this by providing that model for the students. After all, like it or not, kids spend most of their day at school, and when they get home, they generally won't spend a whole lot of time with whatever family is available to them... especially in today's world, where a teen can escape into the web and social media so easily.

I think it's important that male teachers are there to perform this function, and while it's a poor substitute for an ACTUAL father who is actively engaged in the kid's life... having a male teacher as a father-model is better than a student having NO males in their lives.

 

[Lost Drifter]

As a former kindergarten teacher I wouldn’t necessarily call it a good thing. I can see what you are saying though and indeed there are many merits to being cast as a role model for kids that lack any other but the context I was referring to was being thrust into a father figure which takes on additional responsibilities.

I.e. some (I apologise for sounding like I am generalising here) single mothers would want to date simply because I was a responsible man and good with their children, it was like they were seeing me as a surrogate father before seeing me as me if that is making any sense. Perhaps I worded it badly but some single parents (and I mean both genders here) are so driven by finding someone compatible with their children that they don’t think if that same person is compatible with themselves too.

So yes, being a role model comes with the job but being expected to be a father is a little more and extra care needs to be taken in those relationships.

 

[tangerinedream]

I don't need or want a surrogate mother for my kids, I've always managed fine on my own! All I'd need to know is that everyone could get along under the same roof on the nights I have them if we lived together. Thats all really.

Perhaps I worded it badly but some single parents (and I mean both genders here) are so driven by finding someone compatible with their children that they don’t think if that same person is compatible with themselves too.

You both raise good points, and I agree. Like TGC, I also need no surrogate father for my kids, since their dad and I have 50-50 joint custody. Down the road, of course, if I remarry, we'll be talking about a step-father role, which is as varied as the individuals and entangled relationships involved. But that's WAAAAY down the line. lol


As for the issue of compatibility that LD mentioned, one we'd established that the man I was dating did like kids, I was concerned whether or not he and I were compatible, NOT whether or not he and the kids were a match. In fact, the few men I've dated have not met my kids. The way I saw it, as I went through the ordeal of dating - hey, it's a jungle out there! - I wanted to be sure that not only were he and I compatible, but also that any romantic relationship I had was going to be a long-term thing before I introduced him to my kids. There is no reason to be yanking people in and out of my kids' lives as they were adjusting to the devastating changes that their parents' separation and divorce brought into their lives.

There were only two men I'd considered having my kids meet, and by a weird quirk of fate, they were both out of this zip code, so there never really was a chance to introduce them to the kids, so I have yet to deal with that anxiety.

The way I see it, the burden of getting along is on the adults involved. I can't possibly date someone who is going to be a petty, childish ******* who resents the fact that my kids might need some of my attention. Since the ex and I have joint custody, my kids understand that no other adult is going to fulfill the role of father or mother since they have an involved mother and father already. Actually, both of my daughters have told me that they think I should date. That was an eye-opener.

Do I anticipate some rebellion or misbehavior or attitude from the kids down the road? Probably. My oldest just officially entered the teen years. I think that with the right person, things can work out fine as long as everyone involved is mindful of acting like civilized human beings.

On the bright side, the way things are going now, I probably won't get another date until my kids are in college, so it'll be a moot point.

 

[passage]

Take my opinion with a grain of salt since I am still only 22. I wouldn't date a woman with kids at my age. Maybe if me and her were in my late 20's or 30's I would. If or when I have kids, it would be the typical nuclear family. I'm not religious or old fashioned, but I believe kids need a mother and a father. In the meantime, I will always practice safe sex so I don't get into such a precarious position.

 

[The Good Citizen]

Take my opinion with a grain of salt since I am still only 22. I wouldn't date a woman with kids at my age. Maybe if me and her were in my late 20's or 30's I would. If or when I have kids, it would be the typical nuclear family. I'm not religious or old fashioned, but I believe kids need a mother and a father. In the meantime, I will always practice safe sex so I don't get into such a precarious position.

Few points

A: Both my kids have a mother and a father.
B: People do not just end up single parents because they didn't practice safe sex. Sometimes contraception isn't fool proof and life throws you a curve ball.
C: Sometmes a nuclear family does not stay a nuclear family for life.

You can live your life with the best intentions, just don't be suprised if it trips you up along the way!

 

[Callie]

Take my opinion with a grain of salt since I am still only 22. I wouldn't date a woman with kids at my age. Maybe if me and her were in my late 20's or 30's I would. If or when I have kids, it would be the typical nuclear family. I'm not religious or old fashioned, but I believe kids need a mother and a father. In the meantime, I will always practice safe sex so I don't get into such a precarious position.

Few points

A: Both my kids have a mother and a father.
B: People do not just end up single parents because they didn't practice safe sex. Sometimes contraception isn't fool proof and life throws you a curve ball.
C: Sometmes a nuclear family does not stay a nuclear family for life.

You can live your life with the best intentions, just don't be suprised if it trips you up along the way!

I have to agree with TGC here. My kids DO have a father. We were married for 10 years before he left. WE didn't work out, that is, my husband and my relationship, that is not on the kids at all. He IS in their life, he takes them EVERY weekend, he calls them EVERY night. They have both a mother and a father that love them very much. Just because we aren't together anymore does NOT mean that they only have one parent.

 

[tangerinedream]

If or when I have kids, it would be the typical nuclear family. I'm not religious or old fashioned, but I believe kids need a mother and a father. In the meantime, I will always practice safe sex so I don't get into such a precarious position.

Yeah. All of my kids were planned while I was married to their father, who also said he'd never divorce me, never break up our family.... until he left me for another woman. The point? People change. What they feel when they're 22 or 28 or 34 may change considerably by the time they reach 40 or 44, whether it is the decision to have kids or to stay married.

And despite it all, my kids have both a mother and a father who are very involved in their lives.

Also? The only 100% foolproof safe sex is no sex at all. Any type of non-permanent birth control can fail.

 

[Limlim]

Sodomy is also pretty safe for preventing children...

.... just saying, something more women should consider. >.>