How Do I Convince People I Am Okay With My Life?

[AFrozenSoul]

I have hit another unusual thing that I cannot understand. So I was at my sister's wedding, quietly playing video games, when my stepbrother comes up and starts harping on me for quietly playing video games. I mean I was not bothering anyone, I was not in the way, I was sitting there sipping my water playing games. He spent at least an hour, of combined time, telling me to stop playing my game, to stop being so non-social, to go over and talk to a female. That would eventually evolve into flat out telling me that I am not happy and that I need to go try to meet people. Which slowly turned into my usual dispute with overly social people about how I am just fine staying home alone and playing video games and watching anime. Of course I do not waste much time with these disputes, once those disputes are recognized I slowly turn to shorter answers, one word answers, and then unintelligible sounds. That is what I do, so I am not wasting too much effort.

Anyway, I want to understand why it is that everyone seems convinced that I am lying to them and/or myself? I mean really, what do I have to do to convince people that I am in fact just fine with the life that I am living? Is my word not good enough for some reason? What do I have to do to make people stop harping on me about not having any friends or not dating or anything like that? I want to convince them that I am just fine living alone with my cat.

Is it even possible to do something like that? I am starting to think they only way to do something like that would be to stop interacting with those people. Though I could be wrong, I am not 100% sure. I do my best just to brush them off and ignore them, but that does not mean they are not annoying. I just need them to be convinced that I am just fine alone.

 

[DVEUS]

i think that people like that are the ones that have the issues and like to project their assumptions onto you to feel better about themselves...because i mean was it really necessary for that person to even have that conversation with you...no...

 

[Peaches]

It's not possible to convince people of anything. Those among people who decide to judge you will ALWAYS do that, no matter how you behave or feel. As long as you are truly happy with your life (and you don't feel hurt because in fact there are some grams of truth in what these other people are telling you) SCREW THEM. Really. If they annoy you too much keep your distance. But you won't be able to "convince" them, unless you are 100% convinced yourself.

 

[SofiasMami]

Just curious why would you need to convince someone that you're ok? There are none so blind than he who will not see. If a Nosy Nelly starts intruding, perhaps answer their questions with questions directed back at them.

-Teresa

 

[Batman55]

Anyway, I want to understand why it is that everyone seems convinced that I am lying to them and/or myself? I mean really, what do I have to do to convince people that I am in fact just fine with the life that I am living? Is my word not good enough for some reason? What do I have to do to make people stop harping on me about not having any friends or not dating or anything like that? I want to convince them that I am just fine living alone with my cat.

I understand about folks you can't relate to making assumptions, really I do.

But.. I hate to be blunt here, but if you were "just fine" with your life, you wouldn't have that sentence there in your signature, or talk about sleeping with the fishes in every other post... I don't mean to minimize your struggles by saying it this way, but it is so clear that you are not satisfied with your life..!

 

[TheRealCallie]

Is my word not good enough for some reason?

No, it's not. Actions will always speak louder than words and clearly your actions are not syncing with what you are saying.
I would recommend convincing YOURSELF....oh wait, that's what you already did. Strike that last sentence. I would recommend actually BEING okay with you and how you are, and then others will fall in line.

 

[LonelySutton]

You can't convince them.

I watch this TV show selfie. Kind of makes me sad. One of the characters is a great guy, intelligent, happy, but quiet and not a sex slut. The show keeps coming from a place where he is secretly lying to himself and is really lonely but to me, it seems obvious that he isn't really. It is just the way of the world.

I do actually think it makes people uncomfortable if you are alone and happy with it because I think it on some base level challenges them. They cannot be alone and happy so your doing so sort of threatens them.

I love my life the way it is... and probably won't change it. The unhappiness in my life comes from the way others react. Can't ever change that.

 

[blackdot]

AFrozenSoul: I used to run into that problem in my early 20's. Everyone insisted that I was not happy being by myself. Everyone insisted I had to date. Everyone insisted that I had to talk to people.
Once they pounded it in my head enough and got me wanting to be with someone, they saw how lonely and depressed it made me and they all ran off. They broke me but had no interest in fixing me.

So if you are happy being alone. Be alone. Don't let others dictate what you are supposed to do.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

i think that people like that are the ones that have the issues and like to project their assumptions onto you to feel better about themselves...because i mean was it really necessary for that person to even have that conversation with you...no...

I know right, why can't I just live my life the way I want too. You know and not be accused of just lying to myself. Funny how hard people want to believe that I am just lying to myself.

Just curious why would you need to convince someone that you're ok? There are none so blind than he who will not see. If a Nosy Nelly starts intruding, perhaps answer their questions with questions directed back at them.

-Teresa

It is more for future reference. I doubt I will see this guy for a long time but I just need a way to get him off my back. Unlike my father, who has been trying to brainwash me for years and is finally giving up, this guy is a fresh mind who is convinced he can help. I would like to turn the question back on him, but he plays the card of "I have been through this so I know what it is like". You know the kind who is so nice to pass his wisdom onto me out of the goodness of his heart.

Then there is the other side of me who thinks he just wants someone to relate too. He cannot relate to me because our interests are so different. In all reality the only common ground is human interaction, on some degree. Once I removed that it just becomes awkward for him because he and have nothing in common then. Not that it matters I doubt I will see him for a long time.

I understand about folks you can't relate to making assumptions, really I do.

But.. I hate to be blunt here, but if you were "just fine" with your life, you wouldn't have that sentence there in your signature, or talk about sleeping with the fishes in every other post... I don't mean to minimize your struggles by saying it this way, but it is so clear that you are not satisfied with your life..!

Hmm you raise a good point... maybe I should find a way to convince him that there is no hope instead. You know like I am on life support and my body is failing and there is nothing out there that can fix me no matter how badly he wants there to be. Which can make some people difficult to work with. Hmm...I guess I need to figure out how to make him realize there is no point in trying.

You can't convince them.

I watch this TV show selfie. Kind of makes me sad. One of the characters is a great guy, intelligent, happy, but quiet and not a sex slut. The show keeps coming from a place where he is secretly lying to himself and is really lonely but to me, it seems obvious that he isn't really. It is just the way of the world.

I do actually think it makes people uncomfortable if you are alone and happy with it because I think it on some base level challenges them. They cannot be alone and happy so your doing so sort of threatens them.

I love my life the way it is... and probably won't change it. The unhappiness in my life comes from the way others react. Can't ever change that.

I figured that it really challenges his belief system. Though he claims that if he could tell I was happy then he would leave me alone. Though it was funny at times he was bringing up things he did to me as a child and claiming that my actions were revenge against him or something like that. It was pretty funny to hear that part.

AFrozenSoul: I used to run into that problem in my early 20's. Everyone insisted that I was not happy being by myself. Everyone insisted I had to date. Everyone insisted that I had to talk to people.
Once they pounded it in my head enough and got me wanting to be with someone, they saw how lonely and depressed it made me and they all ran off. They broke me but had no interest in fixing me.

So if you are happy being alone. Be alone. Don't let others dictate what you are supposed to do.

Your story is exactly what I am trying to avoid. It is one of those things that I am going to have to make sure that I avoid at all costs. Then again... having a breakdown like yours might keep him away from me... hmmm... that could be a good thing.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I just tell people I am fine.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Not really an advice for what you seek, just an observation.
If someone spends hour talking to you while on a social gathering because he is worried about you, no matter if its rational or relavant or not, then he cares about you and you should be thankful for such people in your life...even if they can be really annoying at times. But they truly care, and that should be heart-warming.
Some people dont have anyone like that, and it makes it hard to change things, to progress, where there is no social pressure.

This may be baseless. But have you ever been TRULY honest about all of yourself with him? People may see or feel even things we dont tell. And as others have said, you are on this forum, and you post a lot of negative stuff. So you telling him you are okay...well... I wouldnt leave a friend who says that when I´m convinced its not the case.

 

[Case]

Sounds like you used videogames as a crutch to avoid aspects of the wedding that made you uncomfortable. You were in "avoidance mode" by being alone at the wedding. (I have done similar things many years ago.) I believe this other person probably realized this and tried to get you to tackle your fears instead of hiding from them.

That being said, if you don't want to face your fears, you shouldn't be forced into it. Just know that avoidance does not solve anything. It only compounds our anxieties until they become so overwhelming that we eventually become afraid of everything and everyone.

 

[Batman55]

That being said, if you don't want to face your fears, you shouldn't be forced into it. Just know that avoidance does not solve anything. It only compounds our anxieties until they become so overwhelming that we eventually become afraid of everything and everyone.

Okay but the thing is, does he want to be social in the way this guy was suggesting? If he really wants to be and yet he cannot get himself to do it, then that's avoidance. If he doesn't want to be, e.g. he's an introvert who cannot find a way to connect in loud, overstimulating social environments, then in this case it is not avoidance, it's him doing what he wants to do, even if it may seem peculiar to others.

It depends where you draw the line.

(As clarification, the issue of whether he is okay or not, I think that's a separate matter)

 

[Case]

Okay but the thing is, does he want to be social in the way this guy was suggesting? If he really wants to be and yet he cannot get himself to do it, then that's avoidance. If he doesn't want to be, e.g. he's an introvert who cannot find a way to connect in loud, overstimulating social environments, then in this case it is not avoidance, it's him doing what he wants to do, even if it may seem peculiar to others.

It depends where you draw the line.

(As clarification, the issue of whether he is okay or not, I think that's a separate matter)

It's the OP's choice to live the way he sees fit. That goes without saying. However, he knows now that some people don't consider his hiding out during a wedding reception as acceptable behavior. I'm not saying he should kowtow to anyone's pressure, but his behavior appears to attract the very pressure he seems rather keen to avoid. Either he changes the behavior, or he should fight confidently for his right to be alone.

But, as you, Bats, alluded to in your own message to him when you indicated how his signature suggested that he is really not "okay," you must admit that this does not look like the behavior of a functioning introvert. That's a guess, obviously, as I do not know the OP personally.

And I'm also not here to judge. The choice is not mine to make. I'm only here to warn of the possible dangers of avoiding uncomfortable scenarios all our lives. It was a struggle I faced myself as an introvert, and now I handle these situations much better than when I was younger.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Sounds like you used videogames as a crutch to avoid aspects of the wedding that made you uncomfortable. You were in "avoidance mode" by being alone at the wedding. (I have done similar things many years ago.) I believe this other person probably realized this and tried to get you to tackle your fears instead of hiding from them.

That being said, if you don't want to face your fears, you shouldn't be forced into it. Just know that avoidance does not solve anything. It only compounds our anxieties until they become so overwhelming that we eventually become afraid of everything and everyone.

Hard to say if it is a fear or not to be honest. If it was really a fear I would not have the job that I currently have.

It's the OP's choice to live the way he sees fit. That goes without saying. However, he knows now that some people don't consider his hiding out during a wedding reception as acceptable behavior. I'm not saying he should kowtow to anyone's pressure, but his behavior appears to attract the very pressure he seems rather keen to avoid. Either he changes the behavior, or he should fight confidently for his right to be alone.

Thinking back on the wedding itself, if my step brother had not been there I doubt I would have had been annoyed enough to make this thread. It was really only one person who bothered me about my behavior. Months earlier my mom annoyed me about that kind of stuff. However, she did not sit there and question my emotional state. She just told me that I am rude or something like that.. I was not really paying attention.

 

[dd11]

Sitting and playing phone games at a wedding or any other event is viewed as rude by many people. It sends a message that you are not engaged in the event. You may be fine with that but consider the message that sends.

 

[Despicable Me]

It's not possible to convince people of anything.

That is not entirely true...
It is difficult to convince people of things, but I have had success convincing many people of many different things. It is one of the few things I'm good at. In fact, some of the things I've convinced them of are typically things that are generally considered completely impossible to alter, like politics and religion.
You're right that there are some people who can't be convinced of much, due to their ignorance or close-mindedness, but I've found that these people aren't really that common. So I find it worth attempting with everyone, in any case. And if I find them completely unreasonable then I just stop. Some people just are not worth the effort.

In any case, Frozen obviously cannot convince his stepbrother, or anyone else for that matter, if he continues to believe that it is not worth the effort to try. So that is an impasse. He either has to try to convince them, or he should probably just accept it. Asking how to convince them when he intentionally states that he doesn't want to put the effort into doing so is kind of self-contradictory. Which leads me to another thing.
AFrozenSoul, I do not mean to undermine you here, but is it really true that you are 'Okay' with the way things are? Truthfully? Your signature would suggest otherwise, you even being here, on a loneliness forum, might also suggest this. But more importantly is this question: Are you really okay with just being 'okay'? Do you not want more than just okay?
Perhaps what your stepbrother is trying to do is more than just wanting you to be 'okay'. Perhaps that is why you are unable to convince him to leave you alone.
I obviously do not know you so I am asking you sincerely. Personally, I am not really fine with just being 'okay' myself. That is actually why I came here.

 

[dd11]

I don't view it as my job to convince anybody of anything. I just go about living my life. If someone doesn't like it, that is on them, not me.

 

[Despicable Me]

I don't view it as my job to convince anybody of anything. I just go about living my life. If someone doesn't like it, that is on them, not me.

The problem is when these people 'get in the way' of living your life, though.
You can't just ignore them very easily most of the time. Sometimes it is physically impossible to just ignore them.

 

[boonieghoul]

Just my own opinion: if I were you, AFrozenSoul, I simply would not have gone to the wedding in the first place. It sounds like you would have made people uncomfortable, despite your intention, no matter what you did, so were I in your shoes, I simply would have avoided the entire enterprise, and gone to a library or a mall to be by myself, and played the video game without anyone bothering me. I know that feeling. A good friend of mine had a multiple personality disorder girlfriend, and she died. They had been very close. I had been in a relationship with one of the personalities, and it would have made my friend very uncomfortable if I'd been at the funeral...so I simply observed from across the graveyard. Once the gathering was gone, I said goodbye by myself. It made it easier for me, since I had personal things to say, and once they were gone...no one got in my way.