How do lonely people who don't do drugs/alcohol find a romantic partner?

[insanelyloneley]

Dating sites have all been a waste of time for me. I guess I can try to pickup a random woman in public, but that always came off as creepy to me.

 

[Veruca]

I don't know what you mean by pick up, but if you see a woman in say a record shop or bookshop, you can try to engage in a conversation first. Maybe say something like, "That's an awesome album" or "That looks like it might be an interesting read" or something along the lines of that. That way, even if she's not interested, you don't have to feel terribly embarrassed. You can just walk away.

Do read body language though. Even if the girl doesn't seem to be chatty, she might still be interested. And then perhaps after that you can always say, "Do you want to grab a cuppa?"

Hope this helps

 

[insanelyloneley]

I should clarify by "pickup" I mean "ask on a date" and not "have a one-night-stand with."

 

[Veruca]

I should clarify by "pickup" I mean "ask on a date" and not "have a one-night-stand with."

That's good. Well, I'm no expert at dating, but I think for some women it can be a little daunting if they're asked out before they get a chance to get comfortable with a guy first. Some of course, don't mind it at all, the more forward the better.

It is tough being the guy though, I think because at the end of the day they usually have to make the first move. I guess, just keep trying. At the very least, you might make a friend or two.

Good Luck!

 

[Badjedidude]

So.... is this about drugs and alcohol...? Or online dating...? Or just a general random rant about how you specifically can't seem to get a date?

 

[user 9172]

You can't socialise at all without encountering alcohol at every turn. You don't have to drink, but you will be an outcast in many social situations if you don't. The reason is simple; Most people, especially women, only drink socially--they have no interest or desire to consume alcohol, only a desire to fit in socially. People who don't drink are essentially sending the message that they're better than other people who are sheep in their social attitude and behaviour.

If you intend to meet women online then you're almost definitely going to end up in taking them someone where alcohol is served. It is unlikely to go well if you don't drink and she does. Be doubly wary of anyone who "drinks socially" because that is to say they don't want to drink but do so only to fit in socially. You should stick to only dating women who don't drink.

 

[Jilted John]

I should clarify by "pickup" I mean "ask on a date" and not "have a one-night-stand with."

Don't worry about it,I sometimes spell my real name wrong!

 

[insanelyloneley]

I'll probably end up meeting a vixen when I'm in hell, so no big deal about this.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Thats like saying meeting people or talking to someone you never met before then saying hello or having conversations with them is odd. It might feel uncomfortiable if you havn't been doing it.

I mean that's the joy and fun of meeting new poeple. Everyone
have thier own story to tell. Where they came from. There love
and interest. Thier hopes and dreams. Thier triumphs and defeats.

Odd to you becuase you just havn't done it or experinced it. Creepy
is how you define it but it dosnt neccesarry mean its true for everyone else.

Poeple skills are just that...skills you can acquire through training
or practice. Keep it simple like that and dont be going mental,
self defeating, blaming the fucken world or making a mountain
out of a mole hill...

I've met people from all walks of life..male or female.
I've had women asked me out or visa vera without drugs or alcohol
involve. There's hundreds of other places to met people aside from
bar or parties. You might wanna keep your mind and options open.

I'm not out looking for women becuase I'm not single. They say hello to me all the time. If I wanna to pursuit it further I would...but I don't It's not a big deal to me. I know when some women are interested me or attracted to me.

At the sametime it's also the way I carry myself and I smell like
sex or pharamones cuz my GF and I have sex all the time.

 

[insanelyloneley]

Lonesome Crow, you make it sound like it's quite easy, and people who are in my situation are socially-handicapped.

If it was that easy, a forum like this wouldn't exist. Most of the time things are beyond your control and it's naive to think we're holding ourselves back when it's more that other forces are at play.

 

[Code S.O.L]

You can't socialise at all without encountering alcohol at every turn. You don't have to drink, but you will be an outcast in many social situations if you don't. The reason is simple; Most people, especially women, only drink socially--they have no interest or desire to consume alcohol, only a desire to fit in socially. People who don't drink are essentially sending the message that they're better than other people who are sheep in their social attitude and behaviour.

This is a relevant statement. Last year, I was given the opportunity to partake in this sort of lifestyle by my sister and her friends. I..... have mixed feelings over it. I can't deny that I enjoyed most of the outings I was allowed to ride shotgun for, but I hate myself for having enjoyed them. The thing is, that even in these sorta situations, I generally keep to myself, and pretend to listen to everyone in the group. It takes quite a few drinks to get me to loosen up, and all is well. For a while. But then I sober up, and become my introverted self once more, but that also comes with the memories of things I've said, and thought that are outside of my personality. This year, I've decided to redeem myself through indefinate IRL social exile(I'm not religious, but the idea of redemption through self sacrifice appeals to my sense of nobility)

But it begs an interesting question, though. How are people like myself and the OP supposed to meet a potential partner if they can't or won't partake in certain social norms? Or maybe a lifetime of loneliness is the price we pay to keep our moral highgrounds?[/i]

 

[Lonesome Crow]

A lot of it i in your fucken head. If you just simply sit down and take an inventory of your life,
I'm pretty sure you had experinced a lot of good times without drugs or alcohol....endless moments'of it
but you have selective memories or focus on negative honeysuckle in your life.

You're talking to a recoverying alki or so call addict. I stopped drinking and using at a very young
age. I had the same old bullshit mentally. Yes, I have plenty of wild stories I did when I was partying hard...
But I'm telling ya...I also have a lot of wild stories to tell you when I'm clean and sober too.

I mean like wtf??? all this honeysuckle about being yourself and just relax...
Obviously you're not yourself when you're under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

As I said...it's only a skill. Simply just put yourself out there. Go out and meet people.
You might or might not meet people the first day or first week but if you're persistence
about it..you'll graudually meet people. Then you'll get comfortible greeting people and introduncing
yourself to complete strangers and making small talks and what not...then things just gose
from there. It's aint gonna be perfect..hell sometimes you'll even feel like a fool or a complete
idiot. But you just keep on moving forward instead of internalizing honeysuckle and making a big deal
out of everything. Then you'll start asking chicks out and getting rejected and all that good honeysuckle too.
But you just keep moving forward..your skills will improve as you go. You'll get desentizised
to getting rejected. Then eventually you'll just ask a good looking chick out just fucken becuz it's not
a big deal. Then you'll asked 10 good looking chicks out cuz it's not a big deal. Then half of those
chiks will call you eventually..cuz they're just humans. They get lonely from time to time and
don't know all the answers to life either.

Moral high grouds?...that's fucken retarded dude.
If you're sitting home alone and jerking off and thinks you're better than everyone else...you're totally sick in the fucken head.
Not everyone hand out at bars or get loaded to have a good time.
There's plenty of activities and millions of things people do without
getting messed up.

Stupid honeysuckle or excuse we make up or say to keep us in our comfortzone. Being lonely is a comfortiable condition we get ourselve
into...our brain adjust to it. It'll feel uncomfortiable to get out of our comfortzone. Fears and all kinds of honeysuckle will roam our minds..it's a protection mechaism built into our brain to keep us safe.
Our concious mind operates at it's ultimum when conditions are
familar. Lonilyness is just a condition your mind had gottan used to
operating in....that is all.
If a person takes the time to sit down and really get to know themselve...understand how their mind works. We can use it
to work for us or againt us.

Being socialable will simply be the same if a person expose him/herself to these conditions. The human mind has amzing abilties
to adjust or adapt.

 

[nerdygirl]

*blink* Is it a generation thing? I have no experience with a world in which you must drink in order not to be ostracized. I know quite a few people who don't drink alcohol. At parties or clubs, they just grab a soda if they're thirsty. Heck, I used to go clubbing when I was 18, and I just didn't drink. I still got on the dance floor and met guys- and I did not glance at their table to see what they'd been drinking! It's not about the beverage in your hand, it's about the words in your mouth.

 

[insanelyloneley]

Lonesome Crow, are you talking to me, or are you just ranting?

 

[Code S.O.L]

Lonesome Crow, are you talking to me, or are you just ranting?

Nah. His rant was for me. Apparently, I'm to just go 'meet people'. Not sure how exactly, it sounds like he's suggesting I talk to random strangers on the street.

*blink* Is it a generation thing? I have no experience with a world in which you must drink in order not to be ostracized. I know quite a few people who don't drink alcohol. At parties or clubs, they just grab a soda if they're thirsty. Heck, I used to go clubbing when I was 18, and I just didn't drink. I still got on the dance floor and met guys- and I did not glance at their table to see what they'd been drinking! It's not about the beverage in your hand, it's about the words in your mouth.

But that's just it. Without the beverage in hand, there are no words in my mouth. Unfortunately, I needed that sort of courage to have mixed in properly with the said crowd. But I'm no fool. I know that alcoholic courage is no substitute to the real thing. I'm far from having that sort of natural confidence, but I've shamed myself too much for having faked it for a group I was merely riding shotgun to in the first place. Hence, why I've exiled for now.

 

[nerdygirl]

But that's just it. Without the beverage in hand, there are no words in my mouth. Unfortunately, I needed that sort of courage to have mixed in properly with the said crowd. But I'm no fool. I know that alcoholic courage is no substitute to the real thing. I'm far from having that sort of natural confidence, but I've shamed myself too much for having faked it for a group I was merely riding shotgun to in the first place. Hence, why I've exiled for now.

Erm... I wasn't addressing you. I was responding to the original post, as well as the notion that people seem "creepy" unless they have alcohol. From my understanding, your choice to drink wasn't because you wanted to look like everybody else. You did it because it made you relax enough to be more engaging. That's a little different.

 

[edgecrusher]

i have had this same problem. i have never wanted to do drugs. and drinking doesnt really do much for me. its not that i dont drink, i just rarely drink. i cant see spending as much as it is on it at a bar or club or something. not that i would be at one of those anyway. if i do drink its at home and i havent been drunk in so long i cant even remember. i just dont get why society(particularly the younger portion of it) seems to have become such an alcohol obsessed society. partying and drinking all the time. i just dont get it.

 

[Code S.O.L]

Erm... I wasn't addressing you. I was responding to the original post, as well as the notion that people seem "creepy" unless they have alcohol. From my understanding, your choice to drink wasn't because you wanted to look like everybody else. You did it because it made you relax enough to be more engaging. That's a little different.

Oh, my bad.:club:

 

[Ronald]

IT CAN BE DONE.

I actually found a wonderful girl on Plenty of Fish. I've been with her for 2 years now and she doesn't drink and has never done drugs. Dating sites can work, if you are diligent in how you choose people (I only met two people from POF over a period of 4 years and was in a relationship with both of them for 1-2 yrs each). I would actually recommend OK Cupid over POF because it's less random and you can more easily find compatible people if you work at improving how to look. Alcohol/drug use is an easy one to filter out.

I would also suggest getting involved in groups that share your interests. I've also noticed a lot of people in nutrition and "green" circles do not depend heavily on alcohol and drugs. It seems there are more temperate people in community center programs, volunteer programs, etc.. Though the popular thing may (or may not) be bar hopping & getting smashed and laid for the weekend, it's not everyone that's into that. Seek and you shall find.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

 

[tangerinedream]

I would also suggest getting involved in groups that share your interests.

I think that this is sound advice.