How do you deal with the pain of rejection?

[HappyYogi]

Hello All~

I want to share with you something that happened about 3 years ago. I haven't talked about this much with anyone but I realized this board would be an understanding board so I wanted to take the opportunity to get your opinion. Y

When my mom died I started emailing an elderly family member my aunt. I was 38 at the time, she was 71, I believe.

We had our differences but, I felt, we had a lot in common. We both love animals, creative stuff, crafts, animals, travel. We were both good emailers and both knew how to express ourselves in words. We sent each other long emails. I liked having her there and discussing things. The only differences were politics, I believe but I am big believer in tolerance....I can be friends with someone I don't agree with politically. I have to, most of my social circle I do not share much of they think politically. I try to appreciate people for who they are and dont' expect them to be just like me. Oh, the other thing is our manner and attitude. My aunt is very sophisticated and "effected" while I am more simple and humble.

One day I noticed she just stopped emailing. She did not tell me why. I did try to start things up again with a "how are you doing"? email but she only answered me curtly and I let it be. I got the hint she didn't want contact anymore. I haven't heard from her in years...not even during Christmas.

Why did this happen? I can only guess. It happened right after I mentioned that I had avoidant personality disorder. It is pretty mild...I like to be social and love conversing with others...but I do have social anxiety issues. It was after that that she slipped away from me.

This really made me angry. Angry I would be rejected for this. Angry she couldn't just accept me (as I accept her) and try to understand. I am a nice, intelligent, friendly, supportive person. I am told I am charming and often witty. I am a good emailer and I am KIND. We had similar interests. Yet she rejected me.

I can't believe that I haven't been worthy enough for her to tell me why and that it's been years since she's been in my life. I can't believe she values me so little!

Anyone have an experience like that?

I have to say, and this makes me feel a bit better, my aunt is not a very kind or understanding woman. She is very talkative, very intellectual and interesting but kind? Not really. She is full of all sorts of judgements/fault finding. The reason the conversation came up where I shared something so personal about myself is when she was bad mouthing an ex friend of hers! She was accusing her ex friend (who is just like her by the way) of having a personality disorder (as IF my aunt doesn't have one!) and I piped up "well, a lot of people have personality disorders"...like it wasn't that big of a deal and certainly not something to reject someone over.

It was after that she faded away....

She also was a great beauty in her youth but never had nice relationships with men. I think it's because they know she is just not that nice.

But even knowing this about her...that she is not very loving/understanding/tolerant and that she is judgemental/hard on others...it still smarts and I still wish I knew her. I didn't like these hard/mean qualities in her but I still wish I knew her...does that make sense?

How do you deal when things like this happen? I am OK now but still, I wonder, why? Why couldn't she have accepted me? I feel so worthless to be let go of so easily. I was so kind and nice to her...and still not worth it? I can't believe I wasn't even worth a Christmas card! I can't believe I was rejected because of a problem I have had. I am still nice, I am still fun, I still have good qualities.

How does one deal with the damaged self esteem when these things happen? How do you deal?

I want to be free of this icky feeling of I have of a diminished sense of self because of her rejection. She isn't even that nice. She was often rude and invalidating...blech I hate that. In fact, I don't want it to effect my self esteem but I can't help but wonder what is so horrible about me that she had to totally cut me out of her life?

 

[Mary Mary]

Unless you can think of something outright rude that you did and didn't apologize for, I wouldn't spend a single minute trying to analyze why she (or anyone else) rejected you. This is especially true if she's got issues of her own. Don't internalize other poeple's behavior unless you can clearly see why they feel the way they do and their perception is *reasonable*. Totally dumping you over your confessions and comments about personality disorders is not reasonable, but we don't know if that was even it.

A separate issue is the pain of rejection itself which you'll feel regardless of why she rejected you. Keeping busy and time will take care of that. I tend to see that phase like having a really bad cold. You'll feel bad for a while, but then you'll get over it.

 

[HappyYogi]

Thank you for your awesome words!

I totally agree. And just to be noted...I am the type of person who is very willing to say I am sorry if I hurt someone and/or be interested in clearing up any understanding.

But see, I can't do that if she won't tell, me can I?

So I can just guess.

You are right. This is about her. She is not that nice and the more I thought about it, the more I remembered she was an invalidator AND I think, was sometimes rude and cutting towards others and maybe even enjoyed it. Blech! Don't like people like that! I am so not like that and perhaps because of that we do not mesh.

Also, interesting note about her. She lived 600 miles away from her mother and when her mother was in a nursing home she never made it down to visit! My mother, made a point of visiting her mother often! When her mother finally died she didn't get around to planning a proper funeral for her!

I believe it was at this juncture, my mother who is a decent and kind woman who believes in respecting elders and being there for them was turned off to the cruelty of my aunt. You know, I see things more clearly now. What kind of person doesn't provide a proper buriel for her own mother??? Not a nice one, that is for sure. It's shocking!

I am getting more and more clarity....and I see she was just. not. that. nice.

Thank you for your awesome post.

 

[ChiCowboy]

By experiencing it over and over and over again. Just kidding, but there's truth to what I say. After awhile, it stops hurting and becomes more of an annoyance. Remember this: It's his or her loss, not yours.

 

[Mary Mary]

Thank you for your awesome words!

I totally agree. And just to be noted...I am the type of person who is very willing to say I am sorry if I hurt someone and/or be interested in clearing up any understanding.

But see, I can't do that if she won't tell, me can I?

So I can just guess.

You are right. This is about her. She is not that nice and the more I thought about it, the more I remembered she was an invalidator AND I think, was sometimes rude and cutting towards others and maybe even enjoyed it. Blech! Don't like people like that! I am so not like that and perhaps because of that we do not mesh.

Also, interesting note about her. She lived 600 miles away from her mother and when her mother was in a nursing home she never made it down to visit! My mother, made a point of visiting her mother often! When her mother finally died she didn't get around to planning a proper funeral for her!

I believe it was at this juncture, my mother who is a decent and kind woman who believes in respecting elders and being there for them was turned off to the cruelty of my aunt. You know, I see things more clearly now. What kind of person doesn't provide a proper buriel for her own mother??? Not a nice one, that is for sure. It's shocking!

I am getting more and more clarity....and I see she was just. not. that. nice.

Thank you for your awesome post.

You're welcome.

 

[Mitternacht]

after you get rejected a few times, i guess you just start to go numb. at least that's how i feel. maybe that's depression kicking in

in the past, i would get really bitter about getting rejected and feel resentment towards all women in general but then I realized that probably wasn't the healthiest thing for me. Now I take out all my anger, hate and aggression out at the gym. It doesn't erase the pain but it sure helps.

i still get rejected alot though and sometimes I can't help but feel like a hideous p.o.s.

 

[Mary Mary]

after you get rejected a few times, i guess you just start to go numb. at least that's how i feel. maybe that's depression kicking in

in the past, i would get really bitter about getting rejected and feel resentment towards all women in general but then I realized that probably wasn't the healthiest thing for me. Now I take out all my anger, hate and aggression out at the gym. It doesn't erase the pain but it sure helps.

i still get rejected alot though and sometimes I can't help but feel like a hideous p.o.s.

Hey there. If rejection really bothers you, you might want to consider a sales job. You don't have to quit your day job, but a part time job selling ads to business for a radio station or a magazine might do.

I found this out by accident. I used to have my own business and had to make cold calls (phone and door-to-door). The first month was nerve racking and depressing; but as you say, I got desensitized. Now when I get rejected by men, I'm like 'whatever.'

When you no longer care about being rejected, you'll have more luck with women because you'll care less about what they think and that'll give you more confidence.

 

[BUFFALOBT]

At the end of the day...you really can't control how others are going to treat you. As maddening as it was when she cut you off, it's her problem and not yours'.

I had something similar happen to me in high school. I had a really good friend- one day out of the blue...he turned on me. From then on- he wanted to fight me everytime I ran into him. It really sucked, because back then I lacked self-confidence, and was scared to death to fight him.

I carried that hurt/anger/grudge with me for 27 years...kept thinking that one day I would run into him as adults...and kick his ass. But my plan was foiled last year...when out of the blue he friend requested me on facebook! I could not believe it.

We made small talk online...then one day I asked him why he did what he did. His answer was..."Wow- I'm sorry. I don't even remember doing that. I guess I was just young.". And just like that it hit me...I carried it for all these years, and to him it was a forgettable blip in his childhood!

Moral to this story...control what you can control...be good to others...and just know that there are lots of people out there who just are not capable of doing the same.

 

[HappyYogi]

Mitternacht~

I know that being a guy who is wants to find a girlfriend, rejection is part of the course. I know it's hard...especially for males...but don't allow it to make you feel bad. Just think of it as part of the game.

I was rejected by a longtime family member. One who I knew as a child. Ouch! But not sure I care so much now or at least doesn't bother me as much.

after you get rejected a few times, i guess you just start to go numb. at least that's how i feel. maybe that's depression kicking in

in the past, i would get really bitter about getting rejected and feel resentment towards all women in general but then I realized that probably wasn't the healthiest thing for me. Now I take out all my anger, hate and aggression out at the gym. It doesn't erase the pain but it sure helps.

i still get rejected alot though and sometimes I can't help but feel like a hideous p.o.s.

 

[LGH1288]

I want to share with you something that happened about 3 years ago.

HappyYogi -- I already replied to this thread's OP in another area of ALL where the same OP is also posted so I'm providing a link from this thread to its other related thread. LG