HappyYogi
Well-known member
Hello All~
I want to share with you something that happened about 3 years ago. I haven't talked about this much with anyone but I realized this board would be an understanding board so I wanted to take the opportunity to get your opinion. Y
When my mom died I started emailing an elderly family member my aunt. I was 38 at the time, she was 71, I believe.
We had our differences but, I felt, we had a lot in common. We both love animals, creative stuff, crafts, animals, travel. We were both good emailers and both knew how to express ourselves in words. We sent each other long emails. I liked having her there and discussing things. The only differences were politics, I believe but I am big believer in tolerance....I can be friends with someone I don't agree with politically. I have to, most of my social circle I do not share much of they think politically. I try to appreciate people for who they are and dont' expect them to be just like me. Oh, the other thing is our manner and attitude. My aunt is very sophisticated and "effected" while I am more simple and humble.
One day I noticed she just stopped emailing. She did not tell me why. I did try to start things up again with a "how are you doing"? email but she only answered me curtly and I let it be. I got the hint she didn't want contact anymore. I haven't heard from her in years...not even during Christmas.
Why did this happen? I can only guess. It happened right after I mentioned that I had avoidant personality disorder. It is pretty mild...I like to be social and love conversing with others...but I do have social anxiety issues. It was after that that she slipped away from me.
This really made me angry. Angry I would be rejected for this. Angry she couldn't just accept me (as I accept her) and try to understand. I am a nice, intelligent, friendly, supportive person. I am told I am charming and often witty. I am a good emailer and I am KIND. We had similar interests. Yet she rejected me.
I can't believe that I haven't been worthy enough for her to tell me why and that it's been years since she's been in my life. I can't believe she values me so little!
Anyone have an experience like that?
I have to say, and this makes me feel a bit better, my aunt is not a very kind or understanding woman. She is very talkative, very intellectual and interesting but kind? Not really. She is full of all sorts of judgements/fault finding. The reason the conversation came up where I shared something so personal about myself is when she was bad mouthing an ex friend of hers! She was accusing her ex friend (who is just like her by the way) of having a personality disorder (as IF my aunt doesn't have one!) and I piped up "well, a lot of people have personality disorders"...like it wasn't that big of a deal and certainly not something to reject someone over.
It was after that she faded away....
She also was a great beauty in her youth but never had nice relationships with men. I think it's because they know she is just not that nice.
But even knowing this about her...that she is not very loving/understanding/tolerant and that she is judgemental/hard on others...it still smarts and I still wish I knew her. I didn't like these hard/mean qualities in her but I still wish I knew her...does that make sense?
How do you deal when things like this happen? I am OK now but still, I wonder, why? Why couldn't she have accepted me? I feel so worthless to be let go of so easily. I was so kind and nice to her...and still not worth it? I can't believe I wasn't even worth a Christmas card! I can't believe I was rejected because of a problem I have had. I am still nice, I am still fun, I still have good qualities.
How does one deal with the damaged self esteem when these things happen? How do you deal?
I want to be free of this icky feeling of I have of a diminished sense of self because of her rejection. She isn't even that nice. She was often rude and invalidating...blech I hate that. In fact, I don't want it to effect my self esteem but I can't help but wonder what is so horrible about me that she had to totally cut me out of her life?
I want to share with you something that happened about 3 years ago. I haven't talked about this much with anyone but I realized this board would be an understanding board so I wanted to take the opportunity to get your opinion. Y
When my mom died I started emailing an elderly family member my aunt. I was 38 at the time, she was 71, I believe.
We had our differences but, I felt, we had a lot in common. We both love animals, creative stuff, crafts, animals, travel. We were both good emailers and both knew how to express ourselves in words. We sent each other long emails. I liked having her there and discussing things. The only differences were politics, I believe but I am big believer in tolerance....I can be friends with someone I don't agree with politically. I have to, most of my social circle I do not share much of they think politically. I try to appreciate people for who they are and dont' expect them to be just like me. Oh, the other thing is our manner and attitude. My aunt is very sophisticated and "effected" while I am more simple and humble.
One day I noticed she just stopped emailing. She did not tell me why. I did try to start things up again with a "how are you doing"? email but she only answered me curtly and I let it be. I got the hint she didn't want contact anymore. I haven't heard from her in years...not even during Christmas.
Why did this happen? I can only guess. It happened right after I mentioned that I had avoidant personality disorder. It is pretty mild...I like to be social and love conversing with others...but I do have social anxiety issues. It was after that that she slipped away from me.
This really made me angry. Angry I would be rejected for this. Angry she couldn't just accept me (as I accept her) and try to understand. I am a nice, intelligent, friendly, supportive person. I am told I am charming and often witty. I am a good emailer and I am KIND. We had similar interests. Yet she rejected me.
I can't believe that I haven't been worthy enough for her to tell me why and that it's been years since she's been in my life. I can't believe she values me so little!
Anyone have an experience like that?
I have to say, and this makes me feel a bit better, my aunt is not a very kind or understanding woman. She is very talkative, very intellectual and interesting but kind? Not really. She is full of all sorts of judgements/fault finding. The reason the conversation came up where I shared something so personal about myself is when she was bad mouthing an ex friend of hers! She was accusing her ex friend (who is just like her by the way) of having a personality disorder (as IF my aunt doesn't have one!) and I piped up "well, a lot of people have personality disorders"...like it wasn't that big of a deal and certainly not something to reject someone over.
It was after that she faded away....
She also was a great beauty in her youth but never had nice relationships with men. I think it's because they know she is just not that nice.
But even knowing this about her...that she is not very loving/understanding/tolerant and that she is judgemental/hard on others...it still smarts and I still wish I knew her. I didn't like these hard/mean qualities in her but I still wish I knew her...does that make sense?
How do you deal when things like this happen? I am OK now but still, I wonder, why? Why couldn't she have accepted me? I feel so worthless to be let go of so easily. I was so kind and nice to her...and still not worth it? I can't believe I wasn't even worth a Christmas card! I can't believe I was rejected because of a problem I have had. I am still nice, I am still fun, I still have good qualities.
How does one deal with the damaged self esteem when these things happen? How do you deal?
I want to be free of this icky feeling of I have of a diminished sense of self because of her rejection. She isn't even that nice. She was often rude and invalidating...blech I hate that. In fact, I don't want it to effect my self esteem but I can't help but wonder what is so horrible about me that she had to totally cut me out of her life?