How far should we trust our instincts?

[Tiina63]

I go to a reading group and all the members, except one, are female. The man in the group has gone from disliking me a month ago for some reason, to wanting now to have a relationship with me. We are both pretty lonely and have academic interests in common, and he is easy to make conversation with. I find conversing difficult with a lot of people, so it is rare for me to feel it easy with someone when I don't know them well.
The problem is that I feel very uneasy about him. I have Aspergers and anxiety, but I sense that there is something 'dark' in him, something far more complicated and serious than Aspergers and anxiety. I have never seen him lose his temper, but a friend of mine has, and over small things. At another group he goes to (my friend goes there too) he got very angry because another member had the same birthday as he does, and because they chose to read a different book to the one he wanted to read. The woman who takes our group said that he goes to various groups, gets into arguments with people, then leaves. Her partner usually comes to our reading group though he doesn't sit with us, and she told my friend that he comes incase the man who likes me might lose his temper and he might need to calm things down. I don't let him buy me drinks or to give me lifts as I worry that, if I did, and we later fell out, he would then say 'I bought you drinks and gave you lifts etc' as criticism. My friend who has seen hom get angry said she felt the same way about not taking anything from him incase he used it against her later if they argued. I told my counsellor about him and she asked me if I personally had ever seen him angry and I said no. She seems to think that in this case I should not be worried about it. And I also have no concrete grounds to think that he would complain about drinks and lifts if we later were to fall out, yet I still think it is possible. My friend who agrees said it before I told her I was thinking it as well. It is my counsellor who seems to be the lone voice telling me to get involved. Am I writing him off too hastily if I say no to a relationship with him? Or should I listen to my instincts?

 

[Triple Bogey]

I go to a reading group and all the members, except one, are female. The man in the group has gone from disliking me a month ago for some reason, to wanting now to have a relationship with me. We are both pretty lonely and have academic interests in common, and he is easy to make conversation with. I find conversing difficult with a lot of people, so it is rare for me to feel it easy with someone when I don't know them well.
The problem is that I feel very uneasy about him. I have Aspergers and anxiety, but I sense that there is something 'dark' in him, something far more complicated and serious than Aspergers and anxiety. I have never seen him lose his temper, but a friend of mine has, and over small things. At another group he goes to (my friend goes there too) he got very angry because another member had the same birthday as he does, and because they chose to read a different book to the one he wanted to read. The woman who takes our group said that he goes to various groups, gets into arguments with people, then leaves. Her partner usually comes to our reading group though he doesn't sit with us, and she told my friend that he comes incase the man who likes me might lose his temper and he might need to calm things down. I don't let him buy me drinks or to give me lifts as I worry that, if I did, and we later fell out, he would then say 'I bought you drinks and gave you lifts etc' as criticism. My friend who has seen hom get angry said she felt the same way about not taking anything from him incase he used it against her later if they argued. I told my counsellor about him and she asked me if I personally had ever seen him angry and I said no. She seems to think that in this case I should not be worried about it. And I also have no concrete grounds to think that he would complain about drinks and lifts if we later were to fall out, yet I still think it is possible. My friend who agrees said it before I told her I was thinking it as well. It is my counsellor who seems to be the lone voice telling me to get involved. Am I writing him off too hastily if I say no to a relationship with him? Or should I listen to my instincts?

He seems childish (why be angry because you share the same birthday ?) and very argumentative. How can you start arguing at a book club ?

Do you need somebody like that in your life ?

 

[ringwood]

Always listen to your instincts. More times than not, they turn out to be spot on...at least in my experiences. I find the more you listen and are tuned into your intuition, the more you can trust it.

And totally agree with Triple Bogey too, he seems incredibly childish.

 

[Broken_n_Lost]

Am I writing him off too hastily if I say no to a relationship with him? Or should I listen to my instincts?

I like to trust my instincts, they are normally right and when I dont trust my gut, Im normally wrong or hurting.

I just recently met someone and he was cute, tall and had an amazing job, he approached me and gave me his flashy business card. So I texted him two days later and he was eager to meet up. We went for coffee and he said and I quote 'I am not looking for a relationship right now' whilst touching my ankle!!! After coffee we parted ways and then the strange contact began, no real connection made via two day texting responses and finally (well after three weeks) I told him that since he isnt looking for a relationship we should remain friends. He didnt want that, he still wanted to meet although he texted me saying he isnt looking for a relationship right now. I just couldnt let that go and cancelled our meeting. He hasnt bothered texting, which only proves my point...he was after one thing. I say trust your instincts.

 

[Walley]

instincts are reactions to subtle hints and feelings that we all get, that otherwise may be overlooked or ignored due to "limited immediate supporting evidence"
some animals survive totally on instincts. civilized society tells us to second guess our instincts to behave in a controlled and civil manner. but really, instincts were around long before our brains developed enough to help guide us in the right directions, so they shouldn't be completely discarded or seen as useless.

how many times have you heard the statement "I should have trusted my instincts"?
you never really hear anyone say "****, I shouldn't have trusted my instincts" ...do you?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I go to a reading group and all the members, except one, are female. The man in the group has gone from disliking me a month ago for some reason, to wanting now to have a relationship with me. We are both pretty lonely and have academic interests in common, and he is easy to make conversation with. I find conversing difficult with a lot of people, so it is rare for me to feel it easy with someone when I don't know them well.
The problem is that I feel very uneasy about him. I have Aspergers and anxiety, but I sense that there is something 'dark' in him, something far more complicated and serious than Aspergers and anxiety. I have never seen him lose his temper, but a friend of mine has, and over small things. At another group he goes to (my friend goes there too) he got very angry because another member had the same birthday as he does, and because they chose to read a different book to the one he wanted to read. The woman who takes our group said that he goes to various groups, gets into arguments with people, then leaves. Her partner usually comes to our reading group though he doesn't sit with us, and she told my friend that he comes incase the man who likes me might lose his temper and he might need to calm things down. I don't let him buy me drinks or to give me lifts as I worry that, if I did, and we later fell out, he would then say 'I bought you drinks and gave you lifts etc' as criticism. My friend who has seen hom get angry said she felt the same way about not taking anything from him incase he used it against her later if they argued. I told my counsellor about him and she asked me if I personally had ever seen him angry and I said no. She seems to think that in this case I should not be worried about it. And I also have no concrete grounds to think that he would complain about drinks and lifts if we later were to fall out, yet I still think it is possible. My friend who agrees said it before I told her I was thinking it as well. It is my counsellor who seems to be the lone voice telling me to get involved. Am I writing him off too hastily if I say no to a relationship with him? Or should I listen to my instincts?

You're not wrong for writing him off. Sounds like he has anger issues, and being an Aspie, you're more prone to not being able to read signals. He probably sees you as an easy mark.

I'd say no to a relationship, if I were you. A relationship that may, potentially, be abusive is always a bad thing. Listen to your heart!

 

[Revengineer]

Sounds like one of those "alpha bad boys" I keep hearing about! A real catch, that one.

/snark

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

I would trust instincts.

But maybe when you get to know him better, you will see that your instincts were wrong. For me, its not uncommon to guess about who someone is, and then realize I was wrong. But I must admit that does not happen that often, as the instincts are usually rather right.

I mostly agree with Walley and how he describes instincts. Even if we wont live like animals following them all the time, they are at least a reason (I would say serious reason) for consideration.

 

[9006]

It's difficult to make a 'safe' decision based on this information. The best case scenario is that it's all exaggerated or distorted, or he recognizes his issues and is addressing them. The worst case is that you give him a chance and somehow you end up stuck with this guy and his problems.

Personally I'd slow things down, time is good for getting to know someone; the longer you take the better you'll know them.

 

[edamame721]

"The problem is that I feel very uneasy about him. I have Aspergers and anxiety, but I sense that there is something 'dark' in him, something far more complicated and serious than Aspergers and anxiety."

I'd say listen to your instincts. Don't get involved with someone you don't feel safe around just because you are lonely. It really doesn't matter what other people tell you. You already know something's off.

If you do want to date him, I'd say see how he interacts with people more. As 9006 said: slow down.

 

[ardour]

Do you actually like him or do you just want to find someone?

I'd say keep a certain distance from this person until you can ascertain whether there's any truth to this.

 

[Amethyst]

Always listen to your instincts. More times than not, they turn out to be spot on...at least in my experiences. I find the more you listen and are tuned into your intuition, the more you can trust it.

And totally agree with Triple Bogey too, he seems incredibly childish.

I totally agree, with the above posting. Your instincts, should always be listened too. Mine, I regard as my closest friend and usually is 99% accurate.

 

[Tiina63]

Thank you everyone who has replied to my question. I think that I will go with my instincts on this one, just as you all advise as well. He is setting off too many alarms inside me for me to want to be in a relationship with him. I am too nervous of his anger issues to feel at ease with him. I don't even feel that a friendship would be possible as I don't want even to give him my address incase at some point I have to 'disappear' from any places we have in common.
I must say that I do feel sympathy for the man in question though as he is very lonely and on this site we know what this feels like. I dont mind seeing him at the reading group we both go to and at one other group I sometimes go to, but now whenever I mention somewhere else I go to, he immediately wants to come there as well, and I feel pressurised by this as I have worked hard to build a social life and would feel uncomfortable if he started coming to all of my various groups. I would probably leave them and have to look for something else to do. I try now at the reading group not to say anything I do outside the group, though today when another member of the group asked if one of my friends would be coming to the groups Christmas meal next weekend I said she had told me she was too busy and that she was too busy to come to my house this month as well, and he said straightaway could he come to my house instead in her place. I am getting to the point where I am afraid of blowing up and I don't want to do this as I don't want to hurt him. I just wish that he would back off and not crowd me out.