Right now, I feel like a failure- in everything. No, in fact, I AM a failure. It’s no suspicion or insecurity, despite what you may think; it’s a reality. A reality I feel many of us share, but unlike others, I have a hard time hiding or simply suppressing. Maybe I’m depressed? Maybe I care too much? Maybe I’m stupid? Maybe I’m being too hard on myself or making it overly complicated? Maybe I just think too much? Maybe I’ve bought into thinking that I have to be “like everyone else” (or at least like the front which they portray…) to be “accepted”??? Who knows??? But even the standard, typical, necessary things people should be able to do, or at least have learned to do by the time they’ve reached an age such as mine – 18 – I cannot do or simply fresia up at. I feel like something, no, EVERYTHING, is wrong with me: I can’t do a single thing right.
Example: As opposed to my peers who only spend about 3 hours on essays, when I write them, I generally spend close to anywhere from 10 to 30 excessive hours writing, editing, and perfecting them; only to receive a low grade. My detail-oriented nature and persona, like its effect in/ on everything else I do or think about, takes over and distracts me with all the minor, less important bullshit; and in turn, turns into a paper filled with superficialities and irrelevant details that hardly even contribute to the overall “main-idea”. Before tests, I spend equally as much time studying, and yield much the same result. I feel like I’m an overly slow learner, am stupid, and incapable of learning or retaining anything.
For the very life and amount of value and time I put towards doing it, I cannot find a girlfriend or a one-night stand- ever (except when I’m very, very drunk). I cannot tell when girls are noticing me, when they’re flirting with me, when they like me, when they don’t like me, when they want me to make a “move”, what they think about me, or anything else possibly in between. I cannot flirt whatsoever. I am seen as a friend by every woman in my life. Many a time, without even saying a word, passing them a glance, or anything else, I am automatically seen as intimidating, creepy, or odd. For Christ’s sake, just the other night when walking back from a party to my dorm with my friend and his friends from out of town, as he asked one of the girls for her phone number and I stood there, waiting to go inside, she sent me a very mean glance and then whispered her number into his ear, fearing that I would hear it (and then stalk her, I presume she thought [even though she was ugly as honeysuckle]). I hadn’t said hardly more than two words to her. I feel like I’m a good looking guy, but that something about me is just a total, complete turn- off; even when I quietly keep to myself. It doesn’t matter if I throw myself out there by being funny, outgoing, and happy, or if I keep to myself- it’s the same every time. I feel like I am different than other men, but in a bad way, and that I am intimidating, creepy, “needy”, and unconfident. I fear that I am unlovable, and feel like all this bullshit I’ve listed off so far is mere proof of that fear.
I am a DJ, and have a couple friends who are DJ’s too, and perform with me at parties around my college. When people come up to speak to us or request a song, generally, I’m ignored. It’s the same case in numerous other instances, situations, and aspects of my life, too: I am ignored. I can make people laugh easily, it seems, but have a hard time making friends, or keeping them (I know the “make people laugh” part probably threw you off, but this is a very odd, complicated predicament I’m in, trust me…). I’m treated badly and made fun of behind my back by the ones who, for whatever reason, do stick around: Being ditched is a common occurrence, too. I used to be overly open with my thoughts, opinions, ideas, and insecurities: I was overly-“open”, actually. But now, I am a completely closed book. I’ve been hurt too many times to really interject a single thing about myself in a conversation; especially when talking to girls. I feel like I am a loser, a downer, a weirdo, a doormat, and expendable. I feel like I’m a pussy, aren’t, and will never be, a man. I am sick of throwing myself out there, being, in the moment, a great, funny, nice guy, and then getting jack honeysuckle in return. I feel hopeless and lost.
I am commonly viewed as the one who’s “easy to pick on”; though not because I get upset and show some smidget of a reaction (I quit doing this, like telling people things about myself [this thread is an exception, though], years ago), but because it’s, well, EASY. I am a virgin, I am very gullible, I never get girls, I am seen spending ridiculous amounts of time on school work (which yield bad grades in return), am skinny, and countless, numerous other things. I suppose it gives people a lot to point out whenever they want to “tease” me?? I have pretty much quit joking with those who are remotely close to me or know anything about me, because I am sick of getting sarcastic, snide “jokes” in return about how I’m a virgin, stupid, etc. In my opinion, I don’t feel like losing your virginity to some total, slutty stranger or being a seemingly “confident” (yet, actual, genuine *******) to the people around you, is some sort of “right of passage” to be “accepted”??? But, apparently, it is, and it’s a shame it’s like that. I feel like I’m an easy target, a loser, and seen as “lesser” by those around me. Call me insecure, call me unconfident, say as you please; but this is a REAL problem which I face, and a problem which I am slowly losing initiative and willingness to solve.
There is so, so, so much more: You honestly have no idea. But in all, I feel like a total failure in every aspect of my life. I regret to say it, but I feel as though I am a waste of life. I’m not suicidal whatsoever, don’t read into this wrongly, but I recognize that there is a problem, and for the life of me, I haven’t a clue how to solve it. I’m slowly losing hope. I just want to make genuine friends, meet a nice, comfortable, calm girl, and feel like I’m not some idiot who’s working towards a desultory goal which will never be met. I just want to be happy. As much as I hate the idea, I just want to be like everyone else. I don’t want to be different. I want to be “him”.
Example: As opposed to my peers who only spend about 3 hours on essays, when I write them, I generally spend close to anywhere from 10 to 30 excessive hours writing, editing, and perfecting them; only to receive a low grade. My detail-oriented nature and persona, like its effect in/ on everything else I do or think about, takes over and distracts me with all the minor, less important bullshit; and in turn, turns into a paper filled with superficialities and irrelevant details that hardly even contribute to the overall “main-idea”. Before tests, I spend equally as much time studying, and yield much the same result. I feel like I’m an overly slow learner, am stupid, and incapable of learning or retaining anything.
For the very life and amount of value and time I put towards doing it, I cannot find a girlfriend or a one-night stand- ever (except when I’m very, very drunk). I cannot tell when girls are noticing me, when they’re flirting with me, when they like me, when they don’t like me, when they want me to make a “move”, what they think about me, or anything else possibly in between. I cannot flirt whatsoever. I am seen as a friend by every woman in my life. Many a time, without even saying a word, passing them a glance, or anything else, I am automatically seen as intimidating, creepy, or odd. For Christ’s sake, just the other night when walking back from a party to my dorm with my friend and his friends from out of town, as he asked one of the girls for her phone number and I stood there, waiting to go inside, she sent me a very mean glance and then whispered her number into his ear, fearing that I would hear it (and then stalk her, I presume she thought [even though she was ugly as honeysuckle]). I hadn’t said hardly more than two words to her. I feel like I’m a good looking guy, but that something about me is just a total, complete turn- off; even when I quietly keep to myself. It doesn’t matter if I throw myself out there by being funny, outgoing, and happy, or if I keep to myself- it’s the same every time. I feel like I am different than other men, but in a bad way, and that I am intimidating, creepy, “needy”, and unconfident. I fear that I am unlovable, and feel like all this bullshit I’ve listed off so far is mere proof of that fear.
I am a DJ, and have a couple friends who are DJ’s too, and perform with me at parties around my college. When people come up to speak to us or request a song, generally, I’m ignored. It’s the same case in numerous other instances, situations, and aspects of my life, too: I am ignored. I can make people laugh easily, it seems, but have a hard time making friends, or keeping them (I know the “make people laugh” part probably threw you off, but this is a very odd, complicated predicament I’m in, trust me…). I’m treated badly and made fun of behind my back by the ones who, for whatever reason, do stick around: Being ditched is a common occurrence, too. I used to be overly open with my thoughts, opinions, ideas, and insecurities: I was overly-“open”, actually. But now, I am a completely closed book. I’ve been hurt too many times to really interject a single thing about myself in a conversation; especially when talking to girls. I feel like I am a loser, a downer, a weirdo, a doormat, and expendable. I feel like I’m a pussy, aren’t, and will never be, a man. I am sick of throwing myself out there, being, in the moment, a great, funny, nice guy, and then getting jack honeysuckle in return. I feel hopeless and lost.
I am commonly viewed as the one who’s “easy to pick on”; though not because I get upset and show some smidget of a reaction (I quit doing this, like telling people things about myself [this thread is an exception, though], years ago), but because it’s, well, EASY. I am a virgin, I am very gullible, I never get girls, I am seen spending ridiculous amounts of time on school work (which yield bad grades in return), am skinny, and countless, numerous other things. I suppose it gives people a lot to point out whenever they want to “tease” me?? I have pretty much quit joking with those who are remotely close to me or know anything about me, because I am sick of getting sarcastic, snide “jokes” in return about how I’m a virgin, stupid, etc. In my opinion, I don’t feel like losing your virginity to some total, slutty stranger or being a seemingly “confident” (yet, actual, genuine *******) to the people around you, is some sort of “right of passage” to be “accepted”??? But, apparently, it is, and it’s a shame it’s like that. I feel like I’m an easy target, a loser, and seen as “lesser” by those around me. Call me insecure, call me unconfident, say as you please; but this is a REAL problem which I face, and a problem which I am slowly losing initiative and willingness to solve.
There is so, so, so much more: You honestly have no idea. But in all, I feel like a total failure in every aspect of my life. I regret to say it, but I feel as though I am a waste of life. I’m not suicidal whatsoever, don’t read into this wrongly, but I recognize that there is a problem, and for the life of me, I haven’t a clue how to solve it. I’m slowly losing hope. I just want to make genuine friends, meet a nice, comfortable, calm girl, and feel like I’m not some idiot who’s working towards a desultory goal which will never be met. I just want to be happy. As much as I hate the idea, I just want to be like everyone else. I don’t want to be different. I want to be “him”.
