How many people over 20 are still virgins?

[Xpendable]

I'am all about other people having their own reason and experiences regarding their virginity. I just thought it was a little naive to expect that everyone here had the same view of the subject. I've never had a real chance of having sex; a really clear chance. I probably had windows of oportunity before but for some reason the girls that liked me were pieces of honeysuckle. Counting my shyness and risk aversion. Now no girl has been attracted to me in years and probably loss my best chances, for that reason waiting for the "right" one sounds a little cruel to me considering how other people keep having those chances quite often.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'am all about other people having their own reason and experiences regarding their virginity. I just thought it was a little naive to expect that everyone here had the same view of the subject. I've never had a real chance of having sex; a really clear chance. I probably had windows of oportunity before but for some reason the girls that liked me were pieces of honeysuckle. Counting my shyness and risk aversion. Now no girl has been attracted to me in years and probably loss my best chances, for that reason waiting for the "right" one sounds a little cruel to me considering how other people keep having those chances quite often.

So you probably had the chance to have sex with someone, yet because they were "pieces of honeysuckle" you didn't go for it.

That sounds to me like you are waiting for the right person and it sounds to me like it was a choice.....

 

[Xpendable]

So you probably had the chance to have sex with someone, yet because they were "pieces of honeysuckle" you didn't go for it.

That sounds to me like you are waiting for the right person and it sounds to me like it was a choice.....

I was 16, maybe. I said before if I knew I would reach 28 like this maybe I should just get on with it and do it with those girls. The main reason was that I was too shy at that moment to go along. I remember I was at least physically attracted to some of them and at that age is really stupid to think in your soulmate being so immature. Saying I was waiting for the one at 16 or younger will be lying to myself. I was a horny teenager like most guys, but getting into all four bases terrified me and now it terrifies me too because of my lack of experience. I could say the only good thing I got from that was not being a young father, seeing how common is for stupid teens to get pregnant. But I was smart enough at that age to avoid that, I was (am) just a coward and never had the guts to approach and allow myself to be sexually or emotionally fulfiled. Now young girls don't like me and women my age are married, are single mothers or are looking for an independent man. Now I feel my love is slowly draining from me and no one would ever receive it. All the things I wanted to do in the morning after and just waking up with someone in your bed look like a wild dream.

 

[ardour]

Never had a woman like me that way. At any time, ever. "Piece of honeysuckle" or otherwise. And I'm 37.

Those last two comments were kind of revealing.

 

[Xpendable]

One of the girls was openly a bully. I remember her stealing other people's stuff and hiding them just for fun. One of them once scratched a teacher's car with a nail after an argument. Later I knew a girl who hated homosexuality and called it an abomination. There was one who got pregnant and has been extorting two guys for child support. All those girls were attracted to me at some point, so is not like I'm using the term loosely.

 

[ardour]

Fair enough then.

 

[Pogo Poodle]

Nevertheless it was framed in way for the reader to gain something from it.

While I appreciate the sentiment behind the "you must see yourself as desirable first" advice, for some these sort of mental gymnastics are going to be very difficult, particularly those who were relentlessly bullied when they were younger.

I can certainly relate to the bullying issue, as I was a bully-target all through my childhood and adolescence. No doubt it has a detrimental effect on one's self-esteem and view of his/her attractiveness. I remember being at a school dance in the 7th grade. Two girls who apparently had nothing better do told me that I was wasting my time there, because no girl in her right mind would ever want to dance with me. Wasn't until years later it dawned on me that the girls in question were sitting in the corner when they said this....nobody was asking them to dance either. Granted, it's easy to look back and debunk things logically, but the emotional scars are tougher to heal.

What held me back from dating until my 20's was a persistent fear of rejection and embarrassment. It wasn't just the idea of being rejected by one particular woman. I felt as if there were many others sitting on the sidelines and laughing at each rejection I experienced. It makes no sense in reality, but then again, the emotional side of our brain rarely deals in true reality. My mind always traveled back to the 7th grade, imagining those two girls sitting in the corner saying "see....we told you nobody wants you".

I wish I could say there was some snappy phrase from a self-help book that completely healed my emotional scars in a day, but there is no such thing. I'm still going through the healing process at the ripe old age of 51, after 14 years of marriage to a wonderful woman. I still experience self-doubt and question my attractiveness from time to time, but I have come to realize that healing the old wounds is a process that takes a lifetime of awareness and hard work. There is no quick fix, but if you can recognize old illogical memes and chip away at them a little at a time, it does get better. It's not enough just to tell yourself you're an attractive person - you have to truly believe it. For me, it has only come about from years of honest self-examination, and that process continues every day.

 

[onmyown1979]

Well, about to be 37 in a few months and over the years some girls have been interested but these girls literally slept around with almost anyone and I didn't want to catch any STD's so I declined. Recently a woman that was married and was a coworker told me how her husband won't sleep with her anymore, she thought he was cheating, etc and gave me a open invitation for sex. Honestly I was interested but I didn't want to sleep with a woman that's married, just against my moral code. The older I get the more women, especially younger ones, show interest in me but they're already in relationships, can I please have one that's SINGLE show me interest?

 

[morrowrd]

< For me, it has only come about from years of honest self-examination, and that process continues every day.>

We are brothers in this. Although I called it "personal reform" and in my 20's (29 I think) I withdrew from everything and everybody socially and began working on myself. Long story, but I hated who I was. Being bullied and put down was only the beginning, I joined in putting myself down, and when you do that, you sink farther and faster. I married early, at 24 because she said yes...how stupid. The marriage was horrible and she put me down the entire time. I really was so low I considered suicide as an answer. Like yourself, I decided to do something and my reforms took ten years. I was in my 40's before I began to feel like a man, and I began to gain alot of credibility. I divorced at 45 and it began a golden era for me.... I started dating, and for the first time in my life I was successful with women. I entered a relationship with a beautiful much younger woman eight months after separating, and was with her for three years. I've been in a relationship for the past year with a very beautiful woman who is an introvert, like myself. I can't believe my luck.

The moral of the story, fix the within, and you fix the without. Your outer environment responds to you, and if you put yourself down, EVERYONE else will too. Once you fix all that, man what a difference. I am loving life at 50.

I like reading about people who don't give up. As they teach you in the Army; adapt, improvise, and overcome. That is such good advice.

 

[MortSahlfan]

I wonder if a lot of the pressure isn't because of marketing - using/showing sex everywhere.. Commercials, movies, etc etc..

Try not to be too hard on yourselves..

 

[MisterLonely]

Almost 33 here, and i'm starting to think that waiting for the right person isn't for me.

I couldn't care less about sex if i tried, but it's something i fear and thats keeping me from moving forward, from getting a real relationship, from growing and probably from happiness. After all when I do start a relationship with someone special I want to be able to satisfy her every need, emotionally and sexually, but how can i expect to be able to do that without "practice", afterall i didn't know pedal of into the distance the first time i sat on a bike either (sorry for the analogy ladies!).

I've had chances but never dared to take them, afterall i now have the memory of "i could have been with her, and her and her too, if i've wanted to" so in a way I realy am a virgin of my own choice, however that choice was made out of fear, self-loathing and low self-esteem, because i always felt I didn't have the right to drag someone i cared about down with me, instead of recognizing they might instead lift me up out of the depths of my anxieties.

So i'm 32 and the next chance i get, be it love or lust, please let me be strong enough to take it, I just want it over with.

 

[MortSahlfan]

When you say "I just want it over with" maybe it's not for you? As you said, it's because of your choices, just be you - not everyone has to be in a relationship. I've been single all my life. There was one girl I was interested many years ago, it didn't happen, and I haven't been interested in a girl outside of sex, and now I'm done with that as well. There's porn online if one needs it. Free! Then after the relief, the thought of turning down to see a woman is no longer an issue - I'm glad I turned her down. Sometimes it boils down to simple biology.

When some put so much emphasis on having a first relationship I think they grade their entire life on that one thing.

Assume it'll never happen, enjoy other things if you can, and if something happens, it happens.

 

[MisterLonely]

When you say "I just want it over with" maybe it's not for you? As you said, it's because of your choices, just be you - not everyone has to be in a relationship. I've been single all my life. There was one girl I was interested many years ago, it didn't happen, and I haven't been interested in a girl outside of sex, and now I'm done with that as well. There's porn online if one needs it. Free! Then after the relief, the thought of turning down to see a woman is no longer an issue - I'm glad I turned her down. Sometimes it boils down to simple biology.

When some put so much emphasis on having a first relationship I think they grade their entire life on that one thing.

Assume it'll never happen, enjoy other things if you can, and if something happens, it happens.

It's about insecurities for me, I am interrested in women, and i do want a meaningfull relationship.

One insecurity is sex, and the older I am the less likely it is to find someone who isn't predisposed about a 30 something year old virgin. I'd compare it to jumping of the high-dive at a pool as a kid, you might decide to go for it dozens of times, move up the ladder whilst your hearth is ponding in your chest louder and louder, you stand attop of the platform looking down feeling the blood pulse through your carotid artery as water spouting from a gardenhose, looking down at the water it seems so high, much higher than it did from the ground looking up. You step back a pace, another, and then two more, it feels like eternity but only seconds have passed since you started your ascend up that seemingly insignificant ladder.
This is the moment, fight or flight, glory or the walk of shame.... another eternity of seconds passes.... and then you set off.
No more than 2 or 3 paces and your in the air, a warm shot of adrenaline races through your veins all is quiet as you soar through the air flailing arms and legs to balance your descent by instinct alone, as you plunge into the water, shooting down faster and deeper than you've ever been before, you open your eyes and see a torrent of bubbles all around, your view is distorted and you've lost all sence of direction ... another eternity passes... things start to clear and you realize where you are, survival sets in as you shoot up through a column of blue and bubbles. You've been under for only 4 or 5 seconds but there is no doubt that your out of breath, you feel the tightness in your throat as you fight the urge to inhale, nearly there... as you triumphantly breach the surface for the second time whilst simultaneously inhaling the world around you comes back to life, sounds of laughter and joy drown out the silence and almost seem to deafen, your heart calms down as you swim towards the poolladder, as you climb out of the pool you feel a sence of accomplishment.

Before the summer has passed you'll jump countless more times, you'll jump higher and further, you'll jump with friends and family,but never again will it feel like that very first time you dared to take the plunge.

 

[Xpendable]

When you say "I just want it over with" maybe it's not for you? As you said, it's because of your choices, just be you - not everyone has to be in a relationship. I've been single all my life. There was one girl I was interested many years ago, it didn't happen, and I haven't been interested in a girl outside of sex, and now I'm done with that as well. There's porn online if one needs it. Free! Then after the relief, the thought of turning down to see a woman is no longer an issue - I'm glad I turned her down. Sometimes it boils down to simple biology.

When some put so much emphasis on having a first relationship I think they grade their entire life on that one thing.

Assume it'll never happen, enjoy other things if you can, and if something happens, it happens.

It's about insecurities for me, I am interrested in women, and i do want a meaningfull relationship.

One insecurity is sex, and the older I am the less likely it is to find someone who isn't predisposed about a 30 something year old virgin. I'd compare it to jumping of the high-dive at a pool as a kid, you might decide to go for it dozens of times, move up the ladder whilst your hearth is ponding in your chest louder and louder, you stand attop of the platform looking down feeling the blood pulse through your carotid artery as water spouting from a gardenhose, looking down at the water it seems so high, much higher than it did from the ground looking up. You step back a pace, another, and then two more, it feels like eternity but only seconds have passed since you started your ascend up that seemingly insignificant ladder.
This is the moment, fight or flight, glory or the walk of shame.... another eternity of seconds passes.... and then you set off.
No more than 2 or 3 paces and your in the air, a warm shot of adrenaline races through your veins all is quiet as you soar through the air flailing arms and legs to balance your descent by instinct alone, as you plunge into the water, shooting down faster and deeper than you've ever been before, you open your eyes and see a torrent of bubbles all around, your view is distorted and you've lost all sence of direction ... another eternity passes... things start to clear and you realize where you are, survival sets in as you shoot up through a column of blue and bubbles. You've been under for only 4 or 5 seconds but there is no doubt that your out of breath, you feel the tightness in your throat as you fight the urge to inhale, nearly there... as you triumphantly breach the surface for the second time whilst simultaneously inhaling the world around you comes back to life, sounds of laughter and joy drown out the silence and almost seem to deafen, your heart calms down as you swim towards the poolladder, as you climb out of the pool you feel a sence of accomplishment.

Before the summer has passed you'll jump countless more times, you'll jump higher and further, you'll jump with friends and family,but never again will it feel like that very first time you dared to take the plunge.

That's, a very good analogy about coming to terms with the expectations we have in regard to life experiences. I used to compare sex experience with riding a bike.  Being a virgin after your 20' is like still wearing safety wheels in your bicycle. Basically the same idea.

 

[Somnambulist]

I was 23 the first time I even kissed a girl/woman (actually, she kissed me). She was a 36 yr old married woman with 2 kids (yes, it's my one sin in life). She later cheated on me with another lover. It happened totally by chance ... I was taking an Amtrak train ten years ago, and had planned to end my life after that trip. She saved me, in a sense ?

Before I had sex at 23, I used to romanticize about sex and about my first time. Now, having had some experience with sex, I can say with confidence that who you have sex with the first time isn't all that important ... in other words, it doesn't have to be the love of your life. (Modern homo sapiens is probably the only species known to engage in sex for pleasure)

 

[Somnambulist]

Wait, is the original post more than 7 years old ?!!!!

 

[Somnambulist]

Almost 33 here, and i'm starting to think that waiting for the right person isn't for me.

I couldn't care less about sex if i tried, but it's something i fear and thats keeping me from moving forward, from getting a real relationship, from growing and probably from happiness. After all when I do start a relationship with someone special I want to be able to satisfy her every need, emotionally and sexually, but how can i expect to be able to do that without "practice", afterall i didn't know pedal of into the distance the first time i sat on a bike either (sorry for the analogy ladies!).

I've had chances but never dared to take them, afterall i now have the memory of "i could have been with her, and her and her too, if i've wanted to" so in a way I realy am a virgin of my own choice, however that choice was made out of fear, self-loathing and low self-esteem, because i always felt I didn't have the right to drag someone i cared about down with me, instead of recognizing they might instead lift me up out of the depths of my anxieties.

So i'm 32 and the next chance i get, be it love or lust, please let me be strong enough to take it, I just want it over with.

Hey buddy, we're almost the same age (as I mentioned before, in another post), so sorry, but you're gonna get a lecture from me whether you want it or not !!!

My first time was at 23. It was absolutely horrible (at least intercourse was). I was completely numb, didn't know what I was doing at all. No one on this Earth is going to be a pro their first time.

I saw your post on the "faces" thread (coz I posted there too) ... the ladies seem to find you attractive. So, looks is clearly not the issue.

Now, getting to the core of the problem, you say it's fear and self-loathing that prevented you from experiencing your first sex. Well, let me tell you, women aren't all experts in that department, either. A little story, real quickly, to prove my point ... I was with a much older woman recently ... she had only been in one relationship (a marriage of 20 years that ended in divorce) ... she knew almost nothing about sex ! She knew the one position she had used with her hubby for 20 years. I actually taught her a few things, even though I had much less experience than her (in terms of years).

My point is ... when you get into that situation with a woman, please don't feel like you're the one who has to prove yourself and the woman is on some pedestal and expects nothing but perfection ! No no no !!!

From your posts, you seem like an intelligent, mature, and kind guy. Women really appreciate that, I'm sure, and so, when you do finally take the plunge, believe me, if you're with a woman who appreciates your personality, your "performance" will not need to be perfect ! There is nothing to be ashamed of, whatsoever. There's a first time for everything.

However, I will say that I suggest you try to get over your fear sooner than later. You are right - it may get harder the longer you wait just because of fear ... the more fear you will then have to overcome.

Nothing to be ashamed of, my friend. You've got this ! You've totally got this ! When you have a connection with a woman, she WILL guide you and she will appreciate WHATEVER you have to offer.

And, last thought ... who knows ... maybe you will blow her out of her mind your very first time !!!

Veel succes !!

 

[rymess]

Yeah i have 23 and i still virgin i'm proud of that

 

[MisterLonely]

Almost 33 here, and i'm starting to think that waiting for the right person isn't for me.

I couldn't care less about sex if i tried, but it's something i fear and thats keeping me from moving forward, from getting a real relationship, from growing and probably from happiness. After all when I do start a relationship with someone special I want to be able to satisfy her every need, emotionally and sexually, but how can i expect to be able to do that without "practice", afterall i didn't know pedal of into the distance the first time i sat on a bike either (sorry for the analogy ladies!).

I've had chances but never dared to take them, afterall i now have the memory of "i could have been with her, and her and her too, if i've wanted to" so in a way I realy am a virgin of my own choice, however that choice was made out of fear, self-loathing and low self-esteem, because i always felt I didn't have the right to drag someone i cared about down with me, instead of recognizing they might instead lift me up out of the depths of my anxieties.

So i'm 32 and the next chance i get, be it love or lust, please let me be strong enough to take it, I just want it over with.

Hey buddy, we're almost the same age (as I mentioned before, in another post), so sorry, but you're gonna get a lecture from me whether you want it or not !!!

Not a problem mate, I can take it

My first time was at 23. It was absolutely horrible (at least intercourse was). I was completely numb, didn't know what I was doing at all. No one on this Earth is going to be a pro their first time.

I saw your post on the "faces" thread (coz I posted there too) ... the ladies seem to find you attractive. So, looks is clearly not the issue.

That's an awesome picture of me indeed!

Now, getting to the core of the problem, you say it's fear and self-loathing that prevented you from experiencing your first sex. Well, let me tell you, women aren't all experts in that department, either. A little story, real quickly, to prove my point ... I was with a much older woman recently ... she had only been in one relationship (a marriage of 20 years that ended in divorce) ... she knew almost nothing about sex ! She knew the one position she had used with her hubby for 20 years. I actually taught her a few things, even though I had much less experience than her (in terms of years).

My point is ... when you get into that situation with a woman, please don't feel like you're the one who has to prove yourself and the woman is on some pedestal and expects nothing but perfection ! No no no !!!

However, I will say that I suggest you try to get over your fear sooner than later. You are right - it may get harder the longer you wait just because of fear ... the more fear you will then have to overcome.

You do make some valid points, to be honest I flipflop a bit on this point, I would like my first time to be with that special someone, but fear it at the same time, I guess thats why I think "getting it over with" would take some of the fear away for me.

Veel succes !!
Thanks, you too.

P.S. your earlier comment, (Modern homo sapiens is probably the only species known to engage in sex for pleasure) , Look up Bonobo apes 

 

[Somnambulist]

I would like my first time to be with that special someone, but fear it at the same time, I guess thats why I think "getting it over with" would take some of the fear away for me.[/b]

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" ... I sincerely do believe this to be true (as with my first time, described in my earlier post).

I know the feeling of wanting your first time to be special, because that was exactly how I thought. And, if you have a lot of options (i.e. women) to choose from, then, I suppose that it is not all that unrealistic. If you're like me, on the other hand, and you experience one dry season after the next, you realize that you need to make the most of what life throws at you ... AND that there's nothing wrong with that approach !

And, the other thing about it is ... I sincerely believe that every person on this Earth has something beautiful about them ... hidden gems. I've had the privilege of being with quite a few different women (and quite a few different TYPES OF women) in my life ... and not a single one of them proved to be my soul mate, but they all had things about them that I still think about to this day ! Like the way someone smiled, or the way someone laughed, or their talent for mimicry, or something. Every person is special !

So, my point is ... what you are looking for may or may not really exist ... maybe it's something we end up chasing our whole lives. Or, you could say that it's everywhere ! And maybe we end up missing it our whole lives because it is right there in front of us (as a person/woman) but we tell ourselves, "No, she isn't perfect. I can wait longer for the perfect one.".

"Nobody's perfect"