How to cope with partner's wandering eyes for pretty women? Especially men...help...

[SofiasMami]

Stabing his fucken eyes out is alway an option

 

[Luna]

Thank you everyone for your insightful responses.

Is that the case though? Just to be sure *are* you waiting for him while he's watching porn or were you not in the mood so he went to go take care of maintenance through other means?

DDD lolololol...I am always up for it.
I usually get the "I'm tired" "I have a headache"...
We did talk about it so I hope there will be some improvement. :/

As for the ex bit...I'm re-reading many of your guys' posts to help me figure it out.

As for the wandering eyes bit...stabbing them is quite tempting. (hmm)

 

[nerdygirl]

Personally, I'd put his behind on the curb.

A lot of guys look at other women, but they're usually discreet. This is especially true if they know it would make the girlfriend feel bad about herself. They don't stare and announce, "I'd hit that!"

A guy as horny as he sounds wouldn't normally turn down sex from the woman he loves. Have you witnessed him getting off to porn, or is this something he told you for the reason he isn't wanting sex? Add to this the amount of time he's spending with Ms. Crazy~n~Abusive. It could be my experience with my cheating X influencing me, but I find this highly suspicious.

 

[Miss Demeanour]

My fella's always slyly eyeing up the girls, but after being together 17 years it really doesn't bother me. I'm just the same when I see a sexy man, I think it's just human nature to be honest.

 

[nerdygirl]

My fella's always slyly eyeing up the girls, but after being together 17 years it really doesn't bother me. I'm just the same when I see a sexy man, I think it's just human nature to be honest.

See? Slyly! Subtlety is the key here. A guy giving himself whiplash to check out some other woman? Not the way it's done!

Why don't you send him to my office for an hour or two? I'll teach him how to be respectful, and I won't even charge.

 

[Miss Demeanour]

My fella's always slyly eyeing up the girls, but after being together 17 years it really doesn't bother me. I'm just the same when I see a sexy man, I think it's just human nature to be honest.

See? Slyly! Subtlety is the key here. A guy giving himself whiplash to check out some other woman? Not the way it's done!

Why don't you send him to my office for an hour or two? I'll teach him how to be respectful, and I won't even charge.

Yes I agree that is just plain disrespectful and any decent man wouldn't do that. I've been in the car when my own father has done it when my mum is sat right next to him and it just makes me feel sick. She never says anything to him but I know she resents him for it.

 

[Twilight Sky]

2) After he became comfortable with me, or "locked me down", his eyes started wandering around. He used to comment to me: "That girl is a hottie, nice ass" "I'd bang her! Hey...I'm just joking" "Wow! She's georgous!" it really hurt me. I told him that there's no need to comment on how beautiful other women are in front of me...that if he wants those beautiful women, then he can leave me alone and let me find someone that's happy with me.
He does it much less - only does it now and again - and I still see him strain his neck often to look at this or that girl and he doesn't look at me.
I really wish it were like the beginning stages where he couldn't keep his eyes off me. He says he loves me but it seems like I'm just not beautiful enough to keep his attention.
Beauty is important to him...I don't know how it came up, but when I stated that it is unfair that society judges a woman's value on her youth and beauty, he agreed that that is what a woman's value is...then comforted me after I told him off that there's more to a woman than her youth and beauty.
I remember when he randomly mentioned he liked women with long hair (I only cut 6 inches, but it's still fairly long), I said I'm trying to grow it out and what would you do if I were a cancer patient? All I got was silence.

~_~

I'm only speculating but:

Sounds like a recipe for an impending heart break coming your way. I want to tell you to begin the process of escaping but that's just on my feeling alone. It sounds like he does not appreciate what he has and desires more. . .

Though he could be doing it to see how you react. Lots of people are like that too.

It's a little rule I made for myself that I was able to put to the test when I dated this girl for 6 months. I simply didn't look at other girls. I had one and I didn't need another. Unfortunately I got carried away with it, and cut off all my female friends in the process XD but they understood.

 

[IgnoredOne]

It's a little rule I made for myself that I was able to put to the test when I dated this girl for 6 months. I simply didn't look at other girls. I had one and I didn't need another. Unfortunately I got carried away with it, and cut off all my female friends in the process XD but they understood.

What's the harm in looking?

I wouldn't want to cut off my other female friends just because I have a girlfriend now. They're good people and deserve consideration beyond and above 'potential girlfriend material.' I have my girl, yes, but Charlotte will still have epilesy and I'm still interested in seeing how her ideas to help special ed children work out, Jade still has her goals and still needs support sometimes, etc, etc. They're friends first, then women.

 

[Twilight Sky]

There's no harm in looking. It's just my way of doing things. And I went back to them of course when I realized how far I went with it. ^^;

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I think you are just being insecure. I think he is teasing you more than anything. Men who's eyes are truly wandering don't say anything.

The bigger problem is his ex. If the bond is as strong as you suggest. Well, he will vanish soon enough. Not to be too much of a downer. She is the destructive force in your relationship. Not him, joking around about the other attractive women he sees. remember there will always be more attractive women especially as you age.

 

[rollin_low2002]

If I were in a relationship with someone I would not watch porn period. I would want to get my "appetite" from my partner. Of course if you were looking at porn for (hello) ideas, it might not be such a bad thing. but I would rather read a how-to book on (hello)ness than watch porn.

I think I am in the minority though. I don't even watch porn now because I feel if I did, then it would be harder to stop when in a relationship. I don't want to "want" someone else, I want to want my partner. I feel imagining someone else while having sex with your partner is wrong.

I also do not understand why your partner would sexually fantasize about women he saw walking around. That strikes me as creepy. I do look at people when I am out and about and I think to myself "oh they are CUTE" but I don't go to "omg I would so fresia them"

I mean, there's a difference. Right? >.>

I completely agree

OMG, i know how u feel... i was going through the same thing. I started dressing up, going more to the gym and trying to make new friends. i noticed that the more time i spent away from him, he would want to be with me more.....

 

[IgnoredOne]

OMG, i know how u feel... i was going through the same thing. I started dressing up, going more to the gym and trying to make new friends. i noticed that the more time i spent away from him, he would want to be with me more.....

It doesn't always work, at least in the girl's favor. A girl tried that with me and it gave me more time to find someone else, not to mention feel better about leaving her since I figured she was nicely settled with her new people now. I suppose in a manner of speaking, it does resolve the incident, though.

 

[Badjedidude]

Guys are going to be looking around. Seriously... men are just hardwired that way. It has nothing to do with faithfulness or loyalties or relationships. When a man sees a beautiful woman, his eye naturally wanders to her in appreciation of her beauty.

It doesn't mean anything until he acts on it.

(or if he's ALWAYS looking at other women... in which case it does mean something. He ain't faithful at all.)

 

[Luna]

Thanks again everyone.
I've calmed down now since I wrote this post.

I feel a lot better that I started pointing out various men in magazines that I'd fresia...after he said it first...and I'm going to start "appreciating male beauty" all around me.

If he's going to check other women out, it's not fair to me that I only look at him.
I'm not so superficial as some might suggest (ex. Blahblah - you check out tons of men too!) to be looking strangers up-and-down or cranking my neck to have a good look.
Last thing I would want to do is to further feed into some good-looking person's ego considering how much I've had to put up with because of how judgmental and mean people were towards me because of my appearance.
F*** the beautiful people.

I don't even think of ******* anyone else and even if I did, I wouldn't even bring it up to whoever I'm with because I care SO MUCH about their feelings...but obviously, this isn't how men work so I'll just have to do the same to help me feel ******* normal for once.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I'm going to start "appreciating male beauty" all around me.

Luna, I luff you.

 

[nerdygirl]

I care SO MUCH about their feelings...but obviously, this isn't how men work so I'll just have to do the same to help me feel ******* normal for once.

See, I knew this would happen with the way people have been responding to this. All of you guys complain that women go for the jerks, and then you defend this guy acting like a jerk. Aren't you all freaking brilliant?

Looking at other women? Normal.
Repeatedly talking about wanting to screw other women? Not okay.
Especially if he knows it's hurting the girl's feelings? Not okay.

Watching porn? Normal.
Not having sex with a woman you love, and who loves you and wants to have sex with you? Not normal.
Not having sex with her because you're too busy watching porn? Not normal!

 

[IgnoredOne]

I did say that it was wrong for him to comment in my very first post.

 

[Peter Lorre]

I thought he was a jerk from the start, but hey...

 

[Luna]

Thanks again everyone for the posts.

I care SO MUCH about their feelings...but obviously, this isn't how men work so I'll just have to do the same to help me feel ******* normal for once.

See, I knew this would happen with the way people have been responding to this. All of you guys complain that women go for the jerks, and then you defend this guy acting like a jerk. Aren't you all freaking brilliant?

Looking at other women? Normal.
Repeatedly talking about wanting to screw other women? Not okay.
Especially if he knows it's hurting the girl's feelings? Not okay.

Watching porn? Normal.
Not having sex with a woman you love, and who loves you and wants to have sex with you? Not normal.
Not having sex with her because you're too busy watching porn? Not normal!

I quoted this post and bolded the part that really gets to me.
The latter part we're working on, but the former - well, it's something that he knows and it looks like he either doesn't care enough/ trivializes my feelings/ does not understand where I'm coming from or just can't help it.

I am definitely open to working on myself and am doing so currently because I admit - I am insecure! I am always open to suggestions and am willing to try new things. I've asked him if maybe I could dress a certain way/ alter my appearance etc to what he likes/ has a thing for but apparently I'm fine the way I am. I do my best to be good partner...I take care of myself and dress up, good job, car, invest time in my interests, try to set up fun dates; try to make new friends so to give my partner space; I'll cook and clean if you want me to, try to remember to say thank you and not take things for granted etc.

Granted, he doesn't do this 24/7, and in his defense, he is a very good partner in many aspects and I do love him.
I am exhausted that he keeps doing it over and over - and I have to bring it up over and over. I'm building a lot of resentment towards this and sometimes I keep quiet and don't respond...because I'm so tired after talking about how I feel over and over.

He hasn't acted on this thoughts/ words...so I guess I should be happy?
I hate myself for not being just cool with it.
I hate myself for recently forcing myself to say: "I'd fresia that guy...and that guy...and that guy..." after he commented on a magazine I was reading in the grocery store. I try to not look anywhere that has attractive women because I get the stomach-sinking feeling he may comment.
I really am trying to work this issue out because from most of the responses from men here - and articles and other forums that I've searched - that this is normal and I should learn to accept it.
From women, what I found is that they usually suggest "Go dump him."
If he had blurted all of this out when I first met him - I would have zero interest in him. I do not need to be reminded over and over that he is a sexual being and say "I'd fresia her...and her...and her..." "I'd have sex with all those women.". I have not forgotten that he is a sexual being and may find other girls pretty. I only wish I didn't have to be reminded and sometimes, in such vulgar ways.
I have told him a few times that I'm his girlfriend - not his buddy.

Overall everything is great....it's only the few things that I pointed out that bother me. I don't think it's worth throwing all away if it's just me overreacting to something that is typical of men.
But it still hurts each time and it hurts more the more he does it. I did bring it up that if he thought he was desensitizing me by doing it over and over that it isn't working and it makes me only more upset.

There might be the few guys that would not do this, but from the responses I've seen here and other places though - it seems very rare and they may have other issues to bring into a RL that I don't have right now.

It does make me envious...to see these type of guys be so mesmerized by their love interest - to feel that she's the only one he sees in the room; that he smiles when just thinking of her; that he thinks she's the most beautiful thing in the world (as opposed to what I consider "calculative thinking": "She is pretty but will never be the most beautiful girl because it is fact there are more attractive girls than her"). I've read a few posts here from guys who sound like they came straight out of a romance novel - poetry and all. To any guys that fit this description: You guys are like f***ing faeries. Whoever you fall in love with is so lucky.

So many of these type of posts were so touching and beautifully written. It's so rare to find romantics like that as I find most people I've come across think more calculatingly. I now understand why people - especially women - adore romance novels.
At least online, I've had the chance to talk to some wonderful guys (FYI, as friends) who fit this description. I wish I knew what their love interests have that I lack - but even then, maybe I'm not really the type of girl that these type of guys would fall hard for or become enamored with. I'm not really all that special. I'm nice, but not special.

I just have to come to accept is that it's unlikely someone will fall that hard for me and any partner that I have would probably stay with me because of comfort and that I am reliable.

I'm not really the prize people ultimately dream of...but am instead...just a warm consolation prize.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, there's only one solution for this...

Smack him so hard in the back of his head that his eyeballs pop out... He'll be looking for them as they roll around. (D)



Ahem, excuse me, as I've delayed posting in this thread... Perhaps for good reason. I don't take too kindly to wandering eyes, especially since I wouldn't do it.