How to make friends?

[Dexter]

A simple question: How do I make friends?

I would consider myself to be rather a introvert and calm person. Normally I do not talk that much and I don't feel like just approaching a random stranger and start a conversation.
For most people it seems to be the most normal thing on earth to have some friends, but I just don't manage to find one myself. So do you have any advices for me on this topic?

 

[jayme89]

Well, here's something I learned about the qualities of a good friend. 1) they have the ability not to gossip and 2) when you talk, they listen to what you say. This is what you should look for in friends and also traits that you should possess to be a good friend to others. If you gossip about someone else to me, who's to say you wouldn't say those things about me to someone else, right? And a friend who goes on and on about their life and problems and never listens to what you say is a leech. Not worth anyones time or energy.

Next, people are more likely to want to talk to someone that looks approachable. Smiling helps with approachability. Many shy people have that default sad face or frown (unconscious of course) which doesn't make others want to come up to them.

Also, ask others questions. Get them talking. People love to talk about themselves! I learned this awhile ago and its helped me improve how I appear to others. You don't have to be a chatterbox and ramble on to get others to like you, in fact that does the opposite (you may come across as obnoxious). So when you're with another person just try to get them talking by asking open ended questions. You'll trick them into thinking you are a great conversationalist! Plus, you'll show them that you're a great listener making them more likely to want to talk to you again.

These are just ways to improve you're approachability and conversation skills with others so you can start forming more connections. Remember, you can't make anyone be your friend and you shouldn't try to. True friendships take a lot of time.

 

[Dexter]

[...]

These are just ways to improve you're approachability and conversation skills with others so you can start forming more connections. Remember, you can't make anyone be your friend and you shouldn't try to. True friendships take a lot of time.

Thank you, that are some good tips on how to keep a conversation going.

 

[a lonely person]

None of those seem to work form me, Its like im just a lonely person by default

 

[9006]

There isn't a life guide to things like this, the situation is different in almost all events. You need to find something to communicate over, doesn't matter what really. But in my experience if friendship is on the cards then conversation or interest shouldn't be that difficult; it takes little effort from each person involved to keep things going.

 

[Regumika]

These are just ways to improve you're approachability and conversation skills with others so you can start forming more connections. Remember, you can't make anyone be your friend and you shouldn't try to. True friendships take a lot of time.

Jayme89 has it pretty much right on. Just remember that you see all those "happy" people gossiping together doesn't really mean are friends, they just do the same thing together. Who knows how many fallouts they have in private. But hey, they have the latest gossip so why not hang out with them? Just don't confuse them with what "friends" should be.

None of those seem to work form me, Its like im just a lonely person by default

Check this out ALP.

http://www.jonathancliff.com/wp-con...overts_guide_printable_by_sveidt-d5b09fj.jpeg

It could be the issue with both you not understanding yourself and other people not knowing how to interact with people like you.

 

[Dexter]

I can of course talk with people and have a nice conversation. But if I am in a group for example, it is difficult for me to participate in a conversation, most people don't talk to me or even notice me in a group.

All in all it feels like people do not care that much about me. They don't seem to be that interested in getting to know me or hang around with me.

 

[jayme89]

I can of course talk with people and have a nice conversation. But if I am in a group for example, it is difficult for me to participate in a conversation, most people don't talk to me or even notice me in a group.

All in all it feels like people do not care that much about me. They don't seem to be that interested in getting to know me or hang around with me.

if this is your only problem then I'd say to keep these people as associates if you can't avoid them completely. don't go out your way to be around them, there's no friendship there. if you're conversing with them and showing them your interested and they still aren't reciprocating then you need to just walk away. I've been in this same situation and made a fool of myself by not getting the clues that these people actually just didn't like me but I would constantly talk to them and invite myself places with them. you could take the initiative to ask someone in the group to hang out one-on-one with you but if that doesn't work either please forget them. start talking to other people.

your main goal should be slowly forming connections with the people you see every day, it should not be "making friends" instantly. we have a distorted image of how friendships form due to adolescence. making friends is far different in the adult world then it was when we where 13-18. Some people do meet and overnight become BFF, thats beautiful but rare. the older you get the more you'll see that there are a lot of predators in the world. a lot of people who feed off the lonely nice people and pretend to be their friend just to use them in whatever ways they can.

I made a work friend almost instantly, I was so excited because I never expected it to happen. But I soon starting seeing huge red flags. we would go out and she would suddenly compete with me, she would gossip all the time, and she would even make backhanded compliments at me basically calling me unattractive to my face (with a smile). my point is, if I would have took it slow and waited just a few more months or even a year, I would have seen this women for what she really was but I wanted to rush it.

I know it feels bad to feel like no one cares about you or wants you involved with them and you want to figure out what you can do to "fix yourself" and make them "like you" but you don't need to do this. I was suicidal during college because of this. but things do change and time will pass. these people will be long gone from your life at some point and you won't even remember their names. just put your energy elsewhere.

 

[a lonely person]

None of those seem to work form me, Its like im just a lonely person by default

Check this out ALP.

http://www.jonathancliff.com/wp-con...overts_guide_printable_by_sveidt-d5b09fj.jpeg

It could be the issue with both you not understanding yourself and other people not knowing how to interact with people like you.

Believe me, people have said hello to me before.

 

[Dexter]

if this is your only problem then I'd say to keep these people as associates if you can't avoid them completely. don't go out your way to be around them, there's no friendship there. if you're conversing with them and showing them your interested and they still aren't reciprocating then you need to just walk away. I've been in this same situation and made a fool of myself by not getting the clues that these people actually just didn't like me but I would constantly talk to them and invite myself places with them. you could take the initiative to ask someone in the group to hang out one-on-one with you but if that doesn't work either please forget them. start talking to other people.

your main goal should be slowly forming connections with the people you see every day, it should not be "making friends" instantly. we have a distorted image of how friendships form due to adolescence. making friends is far different in the adult world then it was when we where 13-18. Some people do meet and overnight become BFF, thats beautiful but rare. the older you get the more you'll see that there are a lot of predators in the world. a lot of people who feed off the lonely nice people and pretend to be their friend just to use them in whatever ways they can.

I made a work friend almost instantly, I was so excited because I never expected it to happen. But I soon starting seeing huge red flags. we would go out and she would suddenly compete with me, she would gossip all the time, and she would even make backhanded compliments at me basically calling me unattractive to my face (with a smile). my point is, if I would have took it slow and waited just a few more months or even a year, I would have seen this women for what she really was but I wanted to rush it.

I know it feels bad to feel like no one cares about you or wants you involved with them and you want to figure out what you can do to "fix yourself" and make them "like you" but you don't need to do this. I was suicidal during college because of this. but things do change and time will pass. these people will be long gone from your life at some point and you won't even remember their names. just put your energy elsewhere.

I guess there is a small misunderstanding. It is not like there is a group of people I am hanging around with, no, normally I am alone. But sometimes I somehow manage to be around a group of people (like a meeting with some people you went to school with some years ago) and in these situations I have a hard time to participate in a group conversation.

But I get what you are saying, if there are people who aren't interested in you, one shouldn't waste his energy on them.



But I don't feel like having conversations and talking with others is really the reason for me not having friends. In fact, I don't really no the reason, it just seems to be so difficult. I am enjoying my time alone, but it would be nice to have one or two people around you who you could call friends.

 

[Dexter]

I know that I am going to repeat myself, but it just bothers me so much.
I am not that good in forming closer relationships with people and I have no idea how to change that.

Somehow I fear that in 10 years I will still be posting here with the same problems and nothing will have changed

 

[Peaches]

dear Dexter, my impression is that learning to chat up people is pretty easy, but then making the step from good acquaintance to true friends takes some extra step (no clue about the latter).

For the first part, books like these offer pretty good tips
http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-An...1388323329&sr=8-1&keywords=talk+with+everyone

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Friendship-...=1388323355&sr=8-1&keywords=friendship+crisis

http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Fri...F8&qid=1388323561&sr=1-76&keywords=friendship

(this last one borders on manipulation, still, if the intention is good there is no harm in using some simple tricks)


these are just techniques, but when someone missed some important steps in learning how to relate with people, because of life events (missing school etc) or a propensity to be alone (I speak by personal experience, have no idea if you can relate to this), sometimes things/behaviors that come pretty natural to more experienced people, like looking at the other in the eyes at the right moments, are also missing, and these techniques can help recover the lost ground, so to speak.

my 2 cents

PS if you set the intention and are ready to undertake all the necessary steps, there is no reason why your life shouldn't be drastically different in 10 years

 

[Regumika]

But I don't feel like having conversations and talking with others is really the reason for me not having friends. In fact, I don't really no the reason, it just seems to be so difficult. I am enjoying my time alone, but it would be nice to have one or two people around you who you could call friends.

What then is your definition of friends, what would YOU do with those friends? Talk? But you don't feel like talking right?

Or are you saying that you want some one that would talk to you when you feel like it. That whenever you decide to talk, they will listen. (convenient)
Or are you looking for some one that would give you attention (check up on you) and let you say "no" to their offer. But you feel better about it because they bothered to ask knowing that you will say "no".
There is a mental block in our head between two situations.
1. "You can talk to me any time."
2. "Is there something on your mind? do you want to talk?"

A lot of us fall into category #2 and want someone to "care" about us. In reality, #1 is just as caring as #2. Of course, I am only speaking about friends here, not strangers.

You don't find friends, you make them. You also have to be a friend in return. Think to yourself, are you a #1 or a #2 to other people? If you are #1, expect #1 in return. #2 for #2.

 

[Dexter]

dear Dexter, my impression is that learning to chat up people is pretty easy, but then making the step from good acquaintance to true friends takes some extra step (no clue about the latter).

[...]

Thank you very much, I think I should take a look at one of these books.

What then is your definition of friends, what would YOU do with those friends? Talk? But you don't feel like talking right?

I think at the moment a friend would be a person with who I can spend some time with, someone to talk to, someone I can hang around with and do some activities together.
And I do feel like talking, but I am just not that good at it.

Or are you saying that you want some one that would talk to you when you feel like it. That whenever you decide to talk, they will listen. (convenient)
Or are you looking for some one that would give you attention (check up on you) and let you say "no" to their offer. But you feel better about it because they bothered to ask knowing that you will say "no".
There is a mental block in our head between two situations.
1. "You can talk to me any time."
2. "Is there something on your mind? do you want to talk?"

A lot of us fall into category #2 and want someone to "care" about us. In reality, #1 is just as caring as #2. Of course, I am only speaking about friends here, not strangers.

You don't find friends, you make them. You also have to be a friend in return. Think to yourself, are you a #1 or a #2 to other people? If you are #1, expect #1 in return. #2 for #2.

That's hard to answer, I am not that sure about that myself. Maybe a mixture of both?

 

[Dexter]

Thank you to everyone who contributed something to this thread so far.
I would be really happy about any additional advices from you

 

[Case]

You are going to have to exit your comfort zone in order to improve your friend situation. You won't need to suddenly become an extrovert, but you'll need to work on trying to chat with strangers. Start with cashiers. Ask them about their day. Do this every day and in no time you'll be able to make small talk with anyone at any time.

I did an exercise once. In order to beat my social phobia, I was given an assignment: In the span of 30 minutes, I had to talk to five total strangers for a minimum of 30 seconds apiece. (You could actually make this a daily goal.)

I chose a local mall. I spoke with cashiers and customers. Only, I had them talking to me about non-mall topics. The easiest way to do this is to compliment someone on an item of clothing or an accessory, like a hat or scarf. Ask them where they got it. Tell them you're shopping for your sibling so it doesn't come off like you're hitting on them.

Example: I went up to one girl at a kiosk and I told her she looked bored. She laughed, and we chatted for a few minutes about her school. I wished her well and went on to another person. I think two of them were just people in the mall, but I had to do this quickly. The more I forced myself to engage in conversation, the easier it was to do it the next time.

Keep a diary of your random conversations with strangers. After the 20th stranger, talking won't seem so difficult.

 

[jason2023]

I can of course talk with people and have a nice conversation. But if I am in a group for example, it is difficult for me to participate in a conversation, most people don't talk to me or even notice me in a group.

All in all it feels like people do not care that much about me. They don't seem to be that interested in getting to know me or hang around with me.

I am the same actually, mainly because I'm introverted. Some of my friends have a unique sense of humour that I can't keep up with, or not witty enough to participate in. Some conversations they make are of the most insignificance, but I don't get how they are able to make convo/jokes/banter out of nothing.

It may be that the conversation is not of your interest. You're putting too much weight in to your presence and your need to participate - it's not that people don't care about you - they're just "in flow" in the conversation. Given my first paragraph, there are situations when I do participate and am the centre of attention, and am enjoying it. Then I switch to consciousness and do realise role of reversal - some people were in my position and not participating. I didn't notice when I was in flow, it was just when I was deliberately observant.

So long as you enjoy the conversation it's fine.

Maybe also you're too concerned with your lack of contribution that it's actually holding you back from saying stuff you would otherwise say because you want to impress or say something people will like or respond to.

Jason

 

[Dexter]

You are going to have to exit your comfort zone in order to improve your friend situation. You won't need to suddenly become an extrovert, but you'll need to work on trying to chat with strangers. Start with cashiers. Ask them about their day. Do this every day and in no time you'll be able to make small talk with anyone at any time.

I did an exercise once. In order to beat my social phobia, I was given an assignment: In the span of 30 minutes, I had to talk to five total strangers for a minimum of 30 seconds apiece. (You could actually make this a daily goal.)

I chose a local mall. I spoke with cashiers and customers. Only, I had them talking to me about non-mall topics. The easiest way to do this is to compliment someone on an item of clothing or an accessory, like a hat or scarf. Ask them where they got it. Tell them you're shopping for your sibling so it doesn't come off like you're hitting on them.

Example: I went up to one girl at a kiosk and I told her she looked bored. She laughed, and we chatted for a few minutes about her school. I wished her well and went on to another person. I think two of them were just people in the mall, but I had to do this quickly. The more I forced myself to engage in conversation, the easier it was to do it the next time.

Keep a diary of your random conversations with strangers. After the 20th stranger, talking won't seem so difficult.

Thanks. It sounds like a good plan and a lot of effort to do that, but no one said that it will be easy, right?
I guess I could try that with some people at my university.
But I am not sure if this really helps to make/find a friend in the end?

Maybe also you're too concerned with your lack of contribution that it's actually holding you back from saying stuff you would otherwise say because you want to impress or say something people will like or respond to.

You definitely hit the nail on the head with that sentence, I think I am really too concerned with trying to say something good and impressive. That is simply the way I am, I am thinking a lot about something before I write or say it.

 

[jason2023]

Maybe also you're too concerned with your lack of contribution that it's actually holding you back from saying stuff you would otherwise say because you want to impress or say something people will like or respond to.

You definitely hit the nail on the head with that sentence, I think I am really too concerned with trying to say something good and impressive. That is simply the way I am, I am thinking a lot about something before I write or say it.

Why do you think this is the way you are? Can you identify events in your life that has done this to you? For instance, was there a situation where you said something that was embarrassing or nobody found it funny? Or a situation you told you boss the wrong information as a quick response?

 

[Dexter]

Why do you think this is the way you are? Can you identify events in your life that has done this to you? For instance, was there a situation where you said something that was embarrassing or nobody found it funny? Or a situation you told you boss the wrong information as a quick response?

I really have no idea, I can't think of any event that would have been like that.