Kid_A
Well-known member
Hello,
I was born an only child to an older Mom and Dad in the USA. My parents had high expectations. I was put on ADHD medicine at 7 years old for better performance in school. When I reached 4th grade I began to be bullied relentlessly. I had no friends and feared my peers cruel words and the rocks they'd throw until my family moved to another town when I was 13.
The next year, my first year of high school, I met the first boy who said I was pretty. We dated for 9 months and near the end before he broke up with me, he raped me. I confided in a neighbor who reported this to my parents. My Mom didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. She only said how disappointed she was. A few weeks later during stress of final exams, I was downstairs and being yelled at for not staying in my room to study, I cut open a razor and took a bath. I didn't want to be around anymore. Then changed my mind and decided to show them, by then I was very cold. I got stitched up at the hospital.
The years following, my parents were sorry but afraid of me. My ex stalked me for 2 years after switching schools. Depression and loneliness clenched my chest at school, despite my best efforts to be a good friend. Junior year I made friends with someone and his friends I could sit by at lunch. We always talked of bands and music. After high school, that friend was always there for me.
Senior year, I fell in love with someone I met online. He lived in Australia. After graduating I worked hard and saved money to fly to him. We had a great time. It was hard being apart from him after that. He came to see me in America later. 8 months later he said he couldn't move to America for me so I came to live in Australia with him.
When I got there everything changed, he lived with his parents who wanted to change the person I was. They also never accepted me as a daughter after I married him. He follows with everything they say and has showed me an arrogance and apathy I never knew existed in him. "You'd be dead in the gutter if it weren't for me." are his words. Though he does love me, he does. He just doesn't know how to apologize.
I've lived here now for 3 1/2 years with no friends, wanting to come home but knowing I'll have to always say good bye to someone. Visions plague my mind of loved ones disappearing in the fog forever. I keep hearing this melody too. It comes at night and feels like my head is being torn in two. Visions of my parents dying alone with no one to take care of them. Visions of my husband, waving goodbye the last time.
I've sought help from doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists but they all say my grief is very complex. They seem as though they are unaware of how to help. I called a suicide hotline and the woman on the phone cried after I told her the full story. (It would have been far too long for an introduction. So I summarized it the best I could for this forum.)
I feel as though there's a fog I cannot escape no matter how hard I try. I don't think there's anything I could write to comfort my loved ones in the event I pass away. They'll never know the extent I love them, and I've always tried everything in my power to show them.
I was born an only child to an older Mom and Dad in the USA. My parents had high expectations. I was put on ADHD medicine at 7 years old for better performance in school. When I reached 4th grade I began to be bullied relentlessly. I had no friends and feared my peers cruel words and the rocks they'd throw until my family moved to another town when I was 13.
The next year, my first year of high school, I met the first boy who said I was pretty. We dated for 9 months and near the end before he broke up with me, he raped me. I confided in a neighbor who reported this to my parents. My Mom didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. She only said how disappointed she was. A few weeks later during stress of final exams, I was downstairs and being yelled at for not staying in my room to study, I cut open a razor and took a bath. I didn't want to be around anymore. Then changed my mind and decided to show them, by then I was very cold. I got stitched up at the hospital.
The years following, my parents were sorry but afraid of me. My ex stalked me for 2 years after switching schools. Depression and loneliness clenched my chest at school, despite my best efforts to be a good friend. Junior year I made friends with someone and his friends I could sit by at lunch. We always talked of bands and music. After high school, that friend was always there for me.
Senior year, I fell in love with someone I met online. He lived in Australia. After graduating I worked hard and saved money to fly to him. We had a great time. It was hard being apart from him after that. He came to see me in America later. 8 months later he said he couldn't move to America for me so I came to live in Australia with him.
When I got there everything changed, he lived with his parents who wanted to change the person I was. They also never accepted me as a daughter after I married him. He follows with everything they say and has showed me an arrogance and apathy I never knew existed in him. "You'd be dead in the gutter if it weren't for me." are his words. Though he does love me, he does. He just doesn't know how to apologize.
I've lived here now for 3 1/2 years with no friends, wanting to come home but knowing I'll have to always say good bye to someone. Visions plague my mind of loved ones disappearing in the fog forever. I keep hearing this melody too. It comes at night and feels like my head is being torn in two. Visions of my parents dying alone with no one to take care of them. Visions of my husband, waving goodbye the last time.
I've sought help from doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists but they all say my grief is very complex. They seem as though they are unaware of how to help. I called a suicide hotline and the woman on the phone cried after I told her the full story. (It would have been far too long for an introduction. So I summarized it the best I could for this forum.)
I feel as though there's a fog I cannot escape no matter how hard I try. I don't think there's anything I could write to comfort my loved ones in the event I pass away. They'll never know the extent I love them, and I've always tried everything in my power to show them.