Human Bonds

[Kid_A]

Hello,

I was born an only child to an older Mom and Dad in the USA. My parents had high expectations. I was put on ADHD medicine at 7 years old for better performance in school. When I reached 4th grade I began to be bullied relentlessly. I had no friends and feared my peers cruel words and the rocks they'd throw until my family moved to another town when I was 13.

The next year, my first year of high school, I met the first boy who said I was pretty. We dated for 9 months and near the end before he broke up with me, he raped me. I confided in a neighbor who reported this to my parents. My Mom didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. She only said how disappointed she was. A few weeks later during stress of final exams, I was downstairs and being yelled at for not staying in my room to study, I cut open a razor and took a bath. I didn't want to be around anymore. Then changed my mind and decided to show them, by then I was very cold. I got stitched up at the hospital.

The years following, my parents were sorry but afraid of me. My ex stalked me for 2 years after switching schools. Depression and loneliness clenched my chest at school, despite my best efforts to be a good friend. Junior year I made friends with someone and his friends I could sit by at lunch. We always talked of bands and music. After high school, that friend was always there for me.

Senior year, I fell in love with someone I met online. He lived in Australia. After graduating I worked hard and saved money to fly to him. We had a great time. It was hard being apart from him after that. He came to see me in America later. 8 months later he said he couldn't move to America for me so I came to live in Australia with him.

When I got there everything changed, he lived with his parents who wanted to change the person I was. They also never accepted me as a daughter after I married him. He follows with everything they say and has showed me an arrogance and apathy I never knew existed in him. "You'd be dead in the gutter if it weren't for me." are his words. Though he does love me, he does. He just doesn't know how to apologize.

I've lived here now for 3 1/2 years with no friends, wanting to come home but knowing I'll have to always say good bye to someone. Visions plague my mind of loved ones disappearing in the fog forever. I keep hearing this melody too. It comes at night and feels like my head is being torn in two. Visions of my parents dying alone with no one to take care of them. Visions of my husband, waving goodbye the last time.

I've sought help from doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists but they all say my grief is very complex. They seem as though they are unaware of how to help. I called a suicide hotline and the woman on the phone cried after I told her the full story. (It would have been far too long for an introduction. So I summarized it the best I could for this forum.)

I feel as though there's a fog I cannot escape no matter how hard I try. I don't think there's anything I could write to comfort my loved ones in the event I pass away. They'll never know the extent I love them, and I've always tried everything in my power to show them.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Kid_A, I just want to give you a big, long hug. *hugs*
I'm sorry you had to go through all that growing up. :\

You're such a strong woman to have gone through all that and still fighting. I hope you don't ever give up, no matter what you decide to do in this situation. It is a tough one, no doubt, but what is a problem if it's not complicated, right? That's just what life does to us.

Honestly speaking, I don't know how you put up with your husband's family. It's really not very nice, and I feel that it is an unsafe environment for you because they are being so mean to you. And what makes things worse, is that your husband doesn't even try to defend you or in the very least, make you feel at ease. He was mean to you too, instead.

I'm pretty sure you've tried talking to him about how you feel etc.? If not, then maybe you could try that? If he doesn't want to listen or think you're just talking rubbish, that would be so unreasonable, and I'll say, from my own experience, that love blinds you to your own safety and well-being because you focus so much on the other person that you neglect your own self.

You need to think of yourself first, if they continue not to consider you. Treat yourself a little better, it's not right that they step all over you and you allow for that.. in the meantime, you want so much to be with your parents. I am not going to say what I think you should do, because it's not for me to do that, and I am not in your shoes so I don't know what it's really like.. but I can imagine how complex the situation is, especially when feelings and emotions of love are involved.

But I will say, you need to think of You too. If you don't take care of your own needs now, who will? Since they don't seem to really care. I absolutely think you deserve better than this. Hang in there and talk to us if it would help. *hugs*

Edit: And welcome to the forum.

 

[Kid_A]

Thank you so much, it made me cry a little to read the caring reply you gave me.

I moved out of that house a year ago and we are renting an apartment now. His Mom used to tell me how good it was that I didn't have any friends because if I did my husband would be lonely.

I had an eating disorder my first 2 years in AU. Before I left to visit my family for the first time these were his Mother's words,"Don't go getting an eating disorder again when you get there. My family can't take the stress you cause us." I was sort of shocked and said ,"..I don't plan on it.."

Yes, all I've ever done was try and communicate to him. Communication is essential. It's like I hit a rock wall..
When I told him how I was feeling, he told me,"We can't afford for you to die, I would be in debt." I told him I had money saved in my bank account and he said,"The government would just take that because you don't even have a will."

 

[Edward W]

Hi and welcome to the site. I hope you find this a friendly place that helps you, even if just in some small way.

 

[Kid_A]

Hi and welcome to the site. I hope you find this a friendly place that helps you, even if just in some small way.

Thank you for the warm welcome, I find this site helpful in a very big way.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I had an eating disorder my first 2 years in AU. Before I left to visit my family for the first time these were his Mother's words,"Don't go getting an eating disorder again when you get there. My family can't take the stress you cause us." I was sort of shocked and said ,"..I don't plan on it.."

Are you better now with your eating disorder?

When I told him how I was feeling, he told me,"We can't afford for you to die, I would be in debt." I told him I had money saved in my bank account and he said,"The government would just take that because you don't even have a will."

Seriously..

 

[Kid_A]

I had an eating disorder my first 2 years in AU. Before I left to visit my family for the first time these were his Mother's words,"Don't go getting an eating disorder again when you get there. My family can't take the stress you cause us." I was sort of shocked and said ,"..I don't plan on it.."

Are you better now with your eating disorder?

When I told him how I was feeling, he told me,"We can't afford for you to die, I would be in debt." I told him I had money saved in my bank account and he said,"The government would just take that because you don't even have a will."

Seriously..

I got over my eating disorder about 2 years ago, with the help of the most sagely psychologist I've ever met. She made me realize that it wasn't my fault for not conforming to his family's archaic views. After all, my love for him is what brought me here, not my love for his parents. She told me that he hasn't grown up on the inside yet and believes he is above me even though he loves me.

 

[Marios]

Welcome to the forum Kid_A,

Is it not grievous that sometimes the flow of something so beautifully misleading can guide your steps into a bear-trap?

And I am describing it as a bear-trap, because you know, that the only way to escape would be to try to resist as much of the mental pain as you can. But in the end, the damage would leave a big scar on your soul, possibly not recoverable.

I assume that the things you tried to explain to us are way more complex than they seem. For you have felt them in the first place.

You have that knot stuck in your chest for a long time now.
You tighten your grip and you grit your teeth mercilessly.
You wake up in streams of sweat, and as you turn to look at him, he sleeps indifferently.

An unbridled flow of true strength lies within you, that awaits to be grasped.

I ungrudgingly invite you to think with me, about something of fundamental importance:

It is hard to accept the conventional reality that has been bestowed to you by others for all this time.

For every action, there must be a reaction.

Your own self has been the only reliable part in this story.
Breaking down is a natural part of life.
But the strongest who survive the breakdown are the fittest.
No matter what has been going on, you...are still standing.

It is, indeed, very wise to conduct your actions based on some extent of compromising that seems logical for the sake of balancing certain probabilities. But when the logical extent turns into a black hole that passively consumes everything around it, then, compromising should be reconsidered thoroughly.

The power to liberation can only be given to you by that source of mental constitution you possess within.

Other people who know you *Including your parents*, may believe otherwise, they may feel disappointed, they may not have any faith regarding you and that railroad entitled as your life.

But they are OTHER people and not YOU.
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay.
That cheap person who raped you, that inadequate husband and his family, even your own parents...

That prophetical melody that you hear, that requiem that plagues you, making you asphyxiate in a black cloud of agonizing pain, the visions...

It's everything that has been sewing your demise.

Nevertheless, you always have the option of deciding for yourself.

You know...the world grants you something that can be characterized as a double-edged sword.

Whatever you have felt, whatever you have lived...

When you walk the city streets, everyone passes by, looking at you ordinarily.

It hurts at first, because they will never understand your thoughts.

But it numbs you afterwards, because that means you can create something from scratch.(Even if that means hiding traumatic experiences from them)

Never forget to look under the sweaty bedrolls, the voice of truth that "skulks" innocently in the darkness will whisper to you words of actuality.

You'll soon realize that there is no point.

Look at the other side:

He says that you'll be dead in the gutter.
He met you online.
He was lucky to have found a woman who would pledge herself to him.
But the problem with such men, is that they may be lucky, but they lack the skill of holding such a woman.

As for your parents...you'll always be that weak girl in their eyes.
(But!) they will always be the failed parents in your eyes.

You are a woman.

Good luck,

P.S: It's not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you.
- Batman Begins

 

[NightHawkJohn]

I wish i had the words to express how i felt reading what you wrote i am not very good at expressing myself on here, but i do feel for you life can be very cruel and difficult it is hard to explain to others how that makes you feel.

I do hope you find some decent friends on here so you feel less sad and lonely.

And welcome to the forum.

 

[GraceBlossom]

Hi Kid_A,

I can't convey sufficiently how sorry I am that you have had to go through all that.

You are worth so much better. I know that it is near impossible to see that from where you stand.

Have you ever thought of looking into if there are any victims of abuse programmes you could attend in secret. They are written so very well and could provide support for the emotional abuse you are receiving.

I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world, stick around this is a lovely haven .

Hugs

Grace

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

I have not much to say.
I can only wish you the best, and hope that you get to have things making you happy more often than not, and for the shadows of your part to stay in the past, as the future shall be sunny.
Your story is quite a sad one. Even the point you are at is not described as a happy place.
I dont know how shall it get better, and how shall you make your past foes fall back. But if its the kind word of men that can help, you came to the right place People here will be supportive of you, and if possible, will for sure comfort you
Welcome Kiddo

 

[Kid_A]

Welcome to the forum Kid_A,

Is it not grievous that sometimes the flow of something so beautifully misleading can guide your steps into a bear-trap?

And I am describing it as a bear-trap, because you know, that the only way to escape would be to try to resist as much of the mental pain as you can. But in the end, the damage would leave a big scar on your soul, possibly not recoverable.

I assume that the things you tried to explain to us are way more complex than they seem. For you have felt them in the first place.

You have that knot stuck in your chest for a long time now.
You tighten your grip and you grit your teeth mercilessly.
You wake up in streams of sweat, and as you turn to look at him, he sleeps indifferently.

An unbridled flow of true strength lies within you, that awaits to be grasped.

I ungrudgingly invite you to think with me, about something of fundamental importance:

It is hard to accept the conventional reality that has been bestowed to you by others for all this time.

For every action, there must be a reaction.

Your own self has been the only reliable part in this story.
Breaking down is a natural part of life.
But the strongest who survive the breakdown are the fittest.
No matter what has been going on, you...are still standing.

It is, indeed, very wise to conduct your actions based on some extent of compromising that seems logical for the sake of balancing certain probabilities. But when the logical extent turns into a black hole that passively consumes everything around it, then, compromising should be reconsidered thoroughly.

The power to liberation can only be given to you by that source of mental constitution you possess within.

Other people who know you *Including your parents*, may believe otherwise, they may feel disappointed, they may not have any faith regarding you and that railroad entitled as your life.

But they are OTHER people and not YOU.
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay.
That cheap person who raped you, that inadequate husband and his family, even your own parents...

That prophetical melody that you hear, that requiem that plagues you, making you asphyxiate in a black cloud of agonizing pain, the visions...

It's everything that has been sewing your demise.

Nevertheless, you always have the option of deciding for yourself.

You know...the world grants you something that can be characterized as a double-edged sword.

Whatever you have felt, whatever you have lived...

When you walk the city streets, everyone passes by, looking at you ordinarily.

It hurts at first, because they will never understand your thoughts.

But it numbs you afterwards, because that means you can create something from scratch.(Even if that means hiding traumatic experiences from them)

Never forget to look under the sweaty bedrolls, the voice of truth that "skulks" innocently in the darkness will whisper to you words of actuality.

You'll soon realize that there is no point.

Look at the other side:

He says that you'll be dead in the gutter.
He met you online.
He was lucky to have found a woman who would pledge herself to him.
But the problem with such men, is that they may be lucky, but they lack the skill of holding such a woman.

As for your parents...you'll always be that weak girl in their eyes.
(But!) they will always be the failed parents in your eyes.

You are a woman.

Good luck,

P.S: It's not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you.
- Batman Begins

I'm astonished and greatly appreciative of the wise words you've offered me. Thank you, Marios.

I can see past the bad times in my life, my memory is so clear. I remember all the happy times I spent with my family and my partner. I miss my Dad's sense of humor and my Mom's sarcasm and corny sayings. I don't think I could ever forget being able to give my husband a hug. It's these things that tear my mind apart. These are the sounds of the piano in my mind.

P.S.
You are such an interesting person, thank you again for all the meaning you conveyed.

---

I wish i had the words to express how i felt reading what you wrote i am not very good at expressing myself on here, but i do feel for you life can be very cruel and difficult it is hard to explain to others how that makes you feel.

I do hope you find some decent friends on here so you feel less sad and lonely.

And welcome to the forum.

Thank you, NightHawkJohn, you've conveyed empathy to me very eloquently. Life can be that and I also see the things that make it gleam in the light. I just don't want anymore people to fade away.

It makes me happy to be apart of this community, I feel much less lonely.

---

Hi Kid_A,

I can't convey sufficiently how sorry I am that you have had to go through all that.

You are worth so much better. I know that it is near impossible to see that from where you stand.

Have you ever thought of looking into if there are any victims of abuse programmes you could attend in secret. They are written so very well and could provide support for the emotional abuse you are receiving.

I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world, stick around this is a lovely haven .

Hugs

Grace

Thank you so much, Grace.

At those times I knew I was worth more, besides childhood, it aggravated me more than anything. It still does when my husband turns a blind eye to something nasty he's said, it doesn't happen on a daily basis. However, it does trigger me into this helpless mode after the anger. I feel trapped because I can't get through to him and there's no else. I struggle with saying goodbye to him just as I do my family.

I live in a town that's pretty far away from everything. I've asked and there are not really any support groups for my kind of grief. There are in the city but I don't have a car.

I always appreciate hugs. ^ ^

---

I have not much to say.
I can only wish you the best, and hope that you get to have things making you happy more often than not, and for the shadows of your part to stay in the past, as the future shall be sunny.
Your story is quite a sad one. Even the point you are at is not described as a happy place.
I dont know how shall it get better, and how shall you make your past foes fall back. But if its the kind word of men that can help, you came to the right place People here will be supportive of you, and if possible, will for sure comfort you
Welcome Kiddo

Thank you, Mr. YellowCat.
It would seem I did come to the right place.
Your warm welcome and understanding are all I could have hoped for and maybe more than you know.

 

[Marios]

I'm astonished and greatly appreciative of the wise words you've offered me. Thank you, Marios.

I can see past the bad times in my life, my memory is so clear. I remember all the happy times I spent with my family and my partner. I miss my Dad's sense of humor and my Mom's sarcasm and corny sayings. I don't think I could ever forget being able to give my husband a hug. It's these things that tear my mind apart. These are the sounds of the piano in my mind.

P.S.
You are such an interesting person, thank you again for all the meaning you conveyed.

You are welcome, Kid_A.