I am an absolute coward

[snowblind89]

Today it has occurred to me that I am terrified of doing anything that may affect my life for good or for worse. This summer I was too scared to look for jobs and ended up making no money. I stayed inside my house all summer initially writing a resume but was too afraid to send it anywhere. My parents are paying for my college education/residence, but right now I am too afraid to make a phone call to arrange the housing. I am a 21 year old man and I found myself crying like a child today while reflecting on my life.

I have no friends and I am constantly afraid of how others perceive me. In fact I am paranoid about people in general. My primary anxiety is about them betraying me if i open up to them. When i am walking on the sidewalk i sometimes worry that a car will lose control and hit me. If i am waiting for a subway then i sometimes fear that someone will push me onto the tracks. Walking home at night i think about getting robbed or attacked/murdered. I think I fear death itself mostly because of how embarrassing it will be when no one comes to my funeral.

I have never opened up to anyone my whole life, in other words; i have never had an honest conversation about my thoughts with anyone(at least not while sober). Even this post I write with minimal detail fearing that someone i know might read it and laugh at me. I realized today amidst my pathetic tears that if i don't learn to have faith and trust in people i will be alone for the rest of my life. I think that my anxieties are caused by past trauma but I sometimes wonder if i have autism. I am constantly wondering if my social anxiety is caused by something physical and unchangeable. I also get a paranoia at times that I am so insane that people don't want to tell me and the few friends i ever had in the past just felt sorry for me but never enjoyed being around me.

I want to be able to accept people for who they are and trust them without fearing that they will betray me. I want to have the courage to truly let someone know me but i am terrified that when they do know me they will abandon me.

 

[Arnaert]

Same here.

 

[Yukhi]

Life's all about taking risks. What I can assure is that there are people in life who will truly care about you.

 

[tehdreamer]

My parents were paranoid (especially my dad), so I grew up pretty paranoid myself. I'm always imagining the worse-case-scenario when out on my own. I always think cars are going to hit me, I'm going to get shoved or fall on subway tracks, or someone's going to mug me. But I recognize these thoughts as paranoia and I pretty much ignore them and go about my day.

And if I'm walking alone at night and I've freaked myself out by thinking about the worst things happening, I just psych myself up by realizing that no one's out there, I'm close to home, ect. Tell yourself you're just being paranoid and think about good things. You can spend your whole life hiding from danger and still get hurt. It's best to get out there and live your life! Chances are that you will come across someone who will betray you, but there's the same chances that you'll meet some really nice people too.

 

[Sean]

Yeah, like tehdreamer, my dad's always paranoid about something.

Snowblind, I often worry about what people think of me.
It's been hard in the past, but usually I can dismiss the thoughts by just telling myself things like 'Who gives a honeysuckle what they think!', or 'If they don't like me, they can go F themself.'


I don't know, if you're afraid of being robbed or something like that, try to gain confidence by signing up for a self-defense class.

Hope I helped.

If you need somebody to talk to, send me a Private Message.

 

[Badjedidude]

I live in a constant swirl of completely unexpected, needless danger and paranoia.

And I fuckin' love it.

There's nothing wrong with being paranoid, or even being afraid of things... unless you let that stop you from living your life and doing the things you want to do. Yukhi is right. Life is one great risk... you can't hide from it, no matter how much you try. So you might as well embrace it and learn to thrive amongst it.

 

[sadface]

I'm the same way, really, or at least used to be.

What I've gotten in the habit of doing is shaking my life up a bit from time to time. I call it "a shock to the system". I change things up easy, yet significant ways.

I'll rearrange my furniture and take out my desk, or my bookshelf.

I'll join a club.

I'll start going to the gym.

This month it's been not eat out and take guitar lessons.

They may not be huge changes, but I'm less afraid of change now; in fact i prefer it.

 

[Btqws]

Hi,There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. Ignorance is simply not knowing you are wrong, while stupidity is knowing you're wrong and you still don't care. The crew at wannabe crime blog "Shoalanda Speaks" is a pime example of stupidity.

 

[kimberleykat]

I have never opened up to anyone my whole life, in other words; i have never had an honest conversation about my thoughts with anyone(at least not while sober). Even this post I write with minimal detail fearing that someone i know might read it and laugh at me. I realized today amidst my pathetic tears that if i don't learn to have faith and trust in people i will be alone for the rest of my life. I think that my anxieties are caused by past trauma but I sometimes wonder if i have autism. I am constantly wondering if my social anxiety is caused by something physical and unchangeable. I also get a paranoia at times that I am so insane that people don't want to tell me and the few friends i ever had in the past just felt sorry for me but never enjoyed being around me.

I want to be able to accept people for who they are and trust them without fearing that they will betray me. I want to have the courage to truly let someone know me but i am terrified that when they do know me they will abandon me.

Hi Snowblind,
Um...where to start...
I want to tell you that you are not alone here on ALL.
I can mostly relate to your feelings about the paranoid and anxiety and the trust difficulty. I am suffering from pretty much the similar thing.
Maybe you would want to see how much I "complained" about my life in here lol there is a thread called Giving up on the board of Loneliness if you might be any interested in my situation.
You mentioned that you stayed inside your house for the whole summer.
If going out will cause you anxiety and stuff, snowblind, I completely understand. I don't go out much. The last time I went out was about 2 weeks ago and that experience only has added to my fear of the phobia im fighting against. I might be a hypocrite here saying that I am fighting something. I've lost faith in myself. If I have to go out to do things I have to spend a large chunk of time trying to get myself mentally prepared enough to face the every subtle challenge that might just be invisible to many others who will never have to go thru what I have to plod thru.
I also constantly feel the need that I should open up to someone. I hate it to hell that there is nobody understands me. But according to my own experiences, attempts to make someone understand me does nothing but adds to my fatigue when I am attacked by panic seizures, or get me extremely disappointed when I am fully in hope that I might have found the one that can respond to my feelings..
Anxiety can be very exhausting right...
But I am sure you can find someone here who can relate to you better. At least ppl here will listen to you. I don't think ppl in real life do the same.
I guess for me myself the trust issue is gonna stay unsolvable for a long time. What I am trying to do is to create a state of balance where I can barely survive among others and push myself to do things that I have to do. Oh god it's so hard.
...
Just writing to tell you there are ppl out there who are willing to try to understand you, me for exemple? (If you want to talk to me just add me on msn its on my profile. )
I hope you are doing better atm.
Oh and, come to chat room some time if you feel like it. There is usually a lot of fun there. Perhaps it will reduce some loneliness. Loneliness makes my anxiety worse lol.
-Kimma

 

[Pair-O-Dox]

Everyone experiences fear at sometimes to some degree. Yours may seem overwhelming, but I assure you that you can overcome them. I believe in the mastery of self, and that everyone should strive for it.

I noticed numerous good suggestions on this thread for you to try, and I think that atleast one or a combination of them will help. You can't climb a mountain overnight but it CAN be done in time. Focus on your smaller fears first. Think of ways for you to face them in a more controlled environment where you'll have a level of comfort to fall back on if you experience too much anxiety.

Thanks for sharing that with us. It brings comfort to myself and anyone else when you discover that you aren't the only one with crap to deal with. Actually, ............ that was a step to overcoming your fear just posting this thread . Congratulations!