i am not better

[viviana]

today i feel particularly lonely, i can't take it anymore
i thought i was better, but i am not. i just lost 18 pounds and i am getting it all back. i change mood by the hour. when i was coming home today i was singing out loud, thinking tonight was gonna be a good night. well everytimes i think so , i always end up here really trying to read interesting threads and laugh a little at some, empathize with some others and fall asleep hopeful, right after. lately its been just so hard. i found myself saying, oh God not another day please. please God can't you just answer my prayers please. just this once, one more time. everyday i am just tempted to cross these same streets when the crosswalk is not on.
i don't know what i am living for, and why every little life obstacle make me feel so angry and not belonging.
when i am not so tired i can't fall asleep and i just feel so lonely. and i am scared that i will spend my whole life like that, unless i push the stop button somehow. i can't find the remedy, whichever one i used before.
i can't even finish watching my favorite show. i lost interest in everything.

i am slowly becoming more anti social and i guess i am developing a dangerous social phobia. i am looking in everyone face to see if they can decipher my feelings. sometimes i feel like i push people away because of my mood. i am howling inside and i think the scream is finally coming out, but no one giving a hand to help me out. i feel like everyone is standing accross from me and watching my every move and just staring or laughing and not doing anything at all to help.

i smoke my brain out. i am tired of smoking now. i am the chimney at your house. if you don't have one you could have me there, it'd be the same as having one.

i am so reluctant to go outside and that's why i am missing so many classes at school. i just want to stay in bed all day fantasizing about who i wish i was, what i wish i had and reminisce about my lost love. i can't stand the public transportation anymore, because i keep seeing these couples and they get on my last nerves.
i just wonder
i mean i try to ignore all these crazy thoughts but after a while they come back at full speed to attack me.
i am just falling backward sooooooo fast..

 

[Jesse]

Viviana, have you ever seen a doctor or therapist? Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you might have some things going on other than lonliness. I'm only saying that because I'm trying to help- I've gone through a bit of things in my time and can relate to how you're feeling. I always thought if I had a girlfriend I'd be soo much better... and yes when bad things happen to us, the power of love can heal so many wounds. However I had a lot of things bothering me from things that happened as a kid and I didn't even realize it.

The most important thing you can do is talk. Talk about everything to someone you trust. The more we talk about things the more we can realize why we feel the way we do. After that we are able to work on changing how we feel and how we act because we know what the cause of our feelings are.

Now I can't give professional advice. I can only try and help you based on my own experience, but as far as I know, talking is one of our most powerful tools of healing.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

hey viviana, good vibes to you.

life can be a whole bunch of seemingly meaningless smeg. lonliness is a crafty piece of smeg. people can be nasty smegs and everything can be complete and utter SMEG.

i hear ya. it can be hard to keep pushing on when it feels like everything is getting the better of us and the pointless darkness keeps closing in or at least hanging around nearby like a bad smell.

if you have a dream/goal/direction, then keep moving towards it. it may not eventuate that you will end up exactly where you imagine you want to be but the inertia will help you gather strength, keep you distracted and maybe open up other opportunities you never saw in your minds eye.

you havent lost everything. your chimney comment says to me that you still have a sense of humour

i understand the fear that we may remain alone for the 'rest of our lives'.. being in a state of 'lonliness' and then imagining that pain for decades upon decades is a frightening thought. At the most basic level i am consoled by the fact that it isnt a feeling that is exclusive to me.. we are not freaks.. it is a common state in this smeggy universe. other than that i REALLY try not to think about it or focus on it.

i would try to avoid looking at all those couples on the bus.. they aren't happy anyway.. they are all crying on the inside.. yep, ALL of them! ..works for me anyway. being in a relationship is just a different experience with its own set of PROBLEMS..

you are 25, there is a LOT of living to do still.. gotta get up, brush those chompers, eat something, do some stuff, clean yourself, go to sleep... repeat over and over again.. life! you never really know what the future holds.. no one knows why we're here..

you are strong. be good to yourself dude

 

[evanescencefan91]

I have constantly changing emotions as well

and it is hard

just try to enjoy the highs when you can and when you're down just be patient and know that happyness can come along again

it's hard i love sleep so much

iif i didn't have to get up and pee, i could ******* live there man i've got some selves right on my bed for food and drinks, keep my laptop and books in there with me, stuff animals keep me company i love it man

but you shouldn't you gotta go to class

i promise come monday morning I'm gonna get my ass out of bed, but then you gotta do it to,

get up take a long ass shower
and face the world

smoking is bad i reccamend wither electronic cigaets or maybe some nictontine patches,

a lot of people smoke it's a pretty socail thing find some people smoking ask if you can join them

and you guys can talk and compare which has better flavors and such

talking to a therapist or a conslur might help too

you don't have to look it in the eye


fake the confidence



we'll be alright

 

[viviana]

hey everyone and thank you a lot

i feel good, after seeing this. i am sorry i did not say thanks earlier.

i was browsing here somehow i realize someone answer my thread. i thought no one had noticed it. well i stopped coming here for a few days so my thread disappear after everyone else posted. i wasn't in the mood to write another rant and whine again. and i don't think i was fit to give advice on stuff either. i am trying to see a therapist now. i just can't afford anything yet because i paid for my school myself.

i also recently try to get into a program that was testing medications for depression. but after they assess me, they told me i drink too much and were afraid that will interfere with the placebo and real pills i would be taking. i pretty much can control alcohol and don't usually drink when i start school, but it's just a habit, that i can't get rid of, all the way. so after a while usually, let say it's been three months now since last August, i would binge drink, like during the holidays. they refer me to an AA center somewhere, but i refuse to go, well i havnt gone i know that's bad, but i wouldn't be drinking if i did not have emotional problems.

uuuhh anyway i understand.

i let that go. i met someone last year though and we both share something. we took statistic together, but we are both interested in psychology so we kept in touch after that. and she works at NIH in the psych ward as a help or something with the psychiatrist there. she tell me to talk to her and she's been really helpful in lending an ear to my problems.
yeah i think i need desperately to get help because sometimes i can even control anger, and crazy thoughts result from that in mind. which i've been controlling more than not. because i don;t do any violent thing, but i yelled at people and i hurt their feelings, even my nice manager...

so after reading Jesse's story and his advice despite his own problems, he took the time to pay a mind, i realize that my problems could be nothing compared to and i need to fight like all of us who made this far, to get through it.

so thank you and i will try to get better... like i hope we all do
and yeah life can be a smeg, and a real *****! to us

thank you every single one of you.....

 

[turnernelson02]

Hi.
I am not better at food dish selection. You ?