I am so frustrated!

[septicemia]

As living creatures, our driving life force is to thrive, pair up, and reproduce. Broken down to the very foundation, that is the whole point to life. I am in my 30s now, never had a real relationship, but am so ready for it now. I am reaching the end of my reproductive years, and I definitely feel my biological clock ticking. I can't help it, its instinct, its nature. So why does everyone try to make me feel like I am wrong for wanting it? All I get from the people I turn to with my troubles is that I want it to much. This, coming from people who go from relationship to relationship with little if any down time, since they were in their teens. They can't seem to grasp that I have NEVER felt what its like to share my life with someone, to have a man enhance my life. Then later I have to hear from them about how wonderful their men are, and how they don't know what they would do without them.

Its such salt in the wound, because I already feel like/know there is something wrong with me because I have never been able to attract a man who wants to be with me. Then there are all the people who want to know why I never have a boyfriend. So I am just damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I am NOT wrong for wanting to know whats its like to have love. So why is that the message I get from society? Next time someone tells me this, I am going to tell them "Yes, and that is why you always are sure to spend lots of time being single in your life huh!"

Its totally natural and normal for me to crave companionship at my age. Its perfectly normal for ANYONE to crave companionship, its totally fine to not want it too, but people need to stop making those of us who do want it, feel like we are wrong for wanting it.

 

[Veilside05]

Not sure why the people around you react in such a matter. But regardless of age, it is perfectly normal to want companionship. That is also the reason why people are hanging out with one another. If I were you, I wouldnt be bother with such people who find that its wrong to want companionship.

 

[Sci-Fi]

That is strange you get the reaction you feel you do. My mom was 33 when she decided she was ready to have a kid(s) (she got a surprise having twins). And if you look at the world today you are hearing about women who are having kids later in life. It's like people are waiting longer than they used to. These people who are making you feel bad for wanting companionship don't get it because they have it. To them it is a nonexistent subject, just wait until they ever become single again (no ill will towards them hopefully that doesn't happen) but then they will understand.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I've been in various relationships all my life since I was a teenager.
I had my share of dating between relationshps in my teens and early 20's.
For the most part i was in LTR for almost 20 years.

After a break up from a relationship that lasted over a decade....
there i was single again. It scared the living honeysuckle out of me.
Never in mind I thought I would be single at the age of 40.
The thought of having to start my life over again and dating again...scared me too.

I took a suggestion of staying single for a while.
Well...that didnt work too well for me. It drove me nutz.
I islotated myself and got more depressed.

"What works for you might KILL ME"
"What works for me might KILL YOU"
A phrase or saying my first sponsor grilled into my head.
I'm greatful that man came into my life and pass on to me a lot
of wisdom he learned....

So i started dating again...which was a challenge.
People with opinions and ideas throwing honeysuckle at me from all kinds of angles.
Plus my own old ideas of whatever the fresia my life ought to be and should be.
First I started looking for women in my own age range...but I already raised family
and children. I didnt want women with children. Perhapse someone in my own
age with children that's grown up. It was almost like looking for a needle in a haystack.

So i started dating women half my age. It was more about looking for a woman without
children or wanting a family in the near future. Thats was a journey and experince.
I got honeysuckle from people of course...but i actaully pulled it off. Doing honeysuckle what other people
deemed aint right for them....for some stupid reason they deem it shouldnt be right for
me either. Well, excuse the fresia out of me for not wanting to be another fucken cookie cutter man.lol

Well...as luck or fate would have it, my HS Sweetheart and I reconnected.
The past 2 years of my life have been full of adventure and not totally easy.
Loving Renae was never easy. Loving Renae is followning my heart, my intuition, my desire,
my wants, my needs. Being true to myself....not whatever the fresia other people thinks or society
thinks I ought to do or lived.....

 

[The Pariah]

I don't think it's wrong to WANT companionship, to feel loved and so on, but I can understand how other people may view people like yourself, and I for that matter. The majority of people who always seem to be able to find a relationship, see them for what they are, so can't understand the way we view them. Some magical, unatainable thing we have only been able to observe from the sidelines.

The problem comes from the fact we end up wanting it so much it starts to become a primary focus in our lives. Nothing is more of a turn off than obvious desperation, and because of lack of experience we can't just ease on in to a relationship, we want the good stuff right away. What might take months to develop for normal people, we want from the get go and we expect too much from any potential partners. Believe it or not, others can pick up on that subconciously.

If I knew how to fix it, well I wouldn't be nearly 25, 7 years after my only brief relationship, feeling perhaps more single and lonely now than I ever have. I have figured out though, that as times goes on it's only going to be harder to get into the game so to speak. Highschool/College is the time where people figure out how relationships work, they make their silly mistakes, rush in too fast, make bad choices and they learn from them. By the time people are in their mid to late twenties, most have progressed to a different level. People like you and I OP, despite our ages, intelligence, careers or whatever else, we're still 13/14 years old mentally when it comes to either getting in, or maintaining a relationship. We're still learning with the training wheels figuring out how to stay upright whilst we watch our friends go about like the relationship equivalent to the tour de france and that only manages to make the problem worse.

It's not all about looks, money or social status. I have seen some of the most unnapealing, jobless guys with women I'd give my left arm for and I've seen below average, rather overweight women take home a different guy every week from the pub. It all boils down to confidence, being able to handle yourself in a conversation and showing some spark or passion for life. If you don't believe in yourself, love yourself, then you'll never come across that way and will be always be overlooked.

When I figure out how to do that, I'll let you know because right now I'm stumped. It's my last day off, there is not a cloud in the sky and yet instead of being outside, or with friends or enjoying the day, I'm sat at my computer deciding whether to drink the day away or play the xbox untill I can go to work tomorrow and I can have a purpose again.

 

[Limlim]

side note it's possible that your friends are saying these things to you to make you feel better about not having someone. downplaying relationships and all that.

 

[theraab]

Why do you hang out with people who make you feel wrong for wanting someone to spend your life with? Are they saying something like "love will come along when you stop looking for it"? - if that's the case then Limlim's comment is probably right. But if they make you feel bad about it, then screw them - they are the ones relationship hopping, and don't really know what they're talking about anyway.

To the people who want to know why you don't have a boyfriend, tell them that you haven't found the right guy and they should be on the lookout for a guy who [whatever you're looking for]?

Sometimes people are just ignorant and insensitive - I lost my fiance to cancer in April and sometime in June one of my clients asked "So how are things? Are you over your loss yet?" - people are sometimes just idiots.

 

[septicemia]

I know it is an attempt to make me feel better, like you say LimLim. And I am sure they don't realize how calloused and mean they sound saying it.

The pariah you said "The majority of people who always seem to be able to find a relationship, see them for what they are, so can't understand the way we view them. Some magical, unatainable thing we have only been able to observe from the sidelines." This is exactly it! I honestly don't know if I come off as desperate or not. I go through my day minding my own business, doing my own thing. While I FEEL the absence in my life, its not something I search for, because I know its pointless.

Theraab I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't believe someone would say such a mean thing to you about it! Ouch what a jerk!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well...some people accused me of being insensative and all that good honeysuckle.
I know **** well they dont read everything I wrote. They're too caught up
in thier own bullshit.....
My HS gf died. And right before i join this site Jenni died.

Going through separations or break ups over and over again with Renae.
It was a major emotional roller coaster.

Even my father died recently....

Inspite of everything...I had to move on or forward.
Inspite of the heartaches...I had to see things in a positive light someway somehow.
Inspite of everything...I had to feel good about myself someway somehow,
instead of feeling sorry for myself or contenplating putting a bullet in my head.

I put myself out there. I went out and dated different women or met different people.

Even now...reconciling with Renae again and again....
I'm still taking a risk. I drove 1500 miles back to be with her again.
Putting my heart and life on the line. Doing whatever it takes to get what I want.

 

[Gutted]

Like +1 (Y)

There are many MANY dumb people out there. They don't practice what they preach. You CAN argue with them. But they wont learn. They'll just say the same bull time and time again. If you want to be with someone, forget what people around you say and do what you want to do.

 

[septicemia]

Lonesome crow I am sorry for all your losses. I feel ya on all that. 2 years ago 1/3 of my immediately family died (one freak occurrence, and my father died a week later, not unexpectedly but still very hard). Providing and caring for my nearly crippled mom. I do well enough that she doesn't need to be on disability, though it would be nice sometimes, I don't want my family to be a leech on the system. Its hard being the one who has to take care of everything all the time, with virtually no help from anyone.

All I want are some caring arms to fall into at night.

Gutted I for sure do, unfortunately it always just leaves me feeling devastated

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Lonesome crow I am sorry for all your losses. I feel ya on all that. 2 years ago 1/3 of my immediately family died (one freak occurrence, and my father died a week later, not unexpectedly but still very hard). Providing and caring for my nearly crippled mom. I do well enough that she doesn't need to be on disability, though it would be nice sometimes, I don't want my family to be a leech on the system. Its hard being the one who has to take care of everything all the time, with virtually no help from anyone.

All I want are some caring arms to fall into at night.

Gutted I for sure do, unfortunately it always just leaves me feeling devastated

Sorry for your losses too....

If you take care of your mother...you might as well get paid for it or
get re emburst for it. It's more than a full time job.
It a touchy subject matter.....
All I know is the government tax me plenty. I rather have it go towards people in our country or something more useful than a war.

It hasnt been easy on my mother. She's going through her grieving
stages. I dont know how long....Sometimes my mother is totally
pissed off at life. i understand that....I just try to be there for her
as best I can. She's devistated at the moment....

We all need to be loved and appricated. A person only has so much
to give until the tank runs dry....It throws everything out of balance.
Receiving is just as important as giving.

Renae hasnt been well physically. I take care of her as best
I can. Sometimes it wears on me.. She's trying but there's only so
much she can do at the moment as she's healing. Somedays are
better than others....

Im greatful she's able to express her love for me. She gives me lots
of hugs and kisses. She tells me she loves me all the time. It helps a lot because I know i cant do this all alone nor carry the both of us for too long...mentally, physically and emotionally.
At the sametime I cant be demanding of Renae.

Im just grateful Renae and I are together. There's plenty of
other issues in our lives that's not perfect.

I still need to be strong for her. So i must find strength within me.
I dont have the luxgury of going into a depression or going negative.
I have to keep my head above the water.....
At the sametime, Im not superman either.

You dont need to be wonderwoman either.

 

[Stars]

Outsiders are total hypocrites...they can say "Ohhh enjoy your single life!! Blahblahblah...wish I was single" yet they're always either in a relationship or always looking for love.

It'd be nice to have a special someone in my life and people make me feel bad for not enjoying all my aloneness...:S

I should give up because it's hopeless for a person like me...but now and then, I just really crave for some companionship...that feeling is triggered more when people question me or keep telling me about their happy relationships.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

yes,...Im always in a relationship or looking for love.
There's pros and cons to everything.

It's not always rossie while you're in a relationship.
Heck, Renae and I got into another argument lastnight.
In the heat df a battle. You feel alone. Emotion runs high just the same.
Sometimes you wonder if it's more trouble than what it's worth.
But you try and try and try and try again and again becuase you love someone.

If you had ever experinced a death of your partner...it's very devistating.
If you had ever gone through a break up in a serious relationship or a divorce, it's like
going through a death. Nothing is fucken right....

If you had been single....the loneliness can get to you.

If you dated, in the process of dating or looking for a partner. Its just as screwie.
Putting yourself out there to get rejected time and time again is a hell of a chore.
Some of the stupid games people play in the dating scene are rediculous.
The time, energy and resoruce you spent seems like a hopeless cuase while sorting
through it all.....

One foot in front of the other with blood, sweat and tears You move on , either way.

Somewhere in all of it you remember to laugh and have fun too. The good times. It wasnt all bad either way.
Becuase of all the bullshit, losses and heartaches you lived through....you cherrish the good time.
You love deeply and passionately. You forgive much. You dont take life for granted becuase it's too fucken short.
You experince it all....the goods and the bads. A full life.....