I am so upset with my friend

[Enchanted Girl]

I have been friends online with this girl for 7 years. We've told each other everything and been really close for a long time. She lives in another country from me. I live in America.

So recently, she texted me and said,"Guess what? I'm going to be an hour away from your house in a few hours! I'm visiting America and flying to this place really near your house!"

We always told each other that if it was possible, we'd meet up in person because we were more than online friends. So I said,"Want to meet me? I don't mind driving that hour to go and see you."

And she said no and gave me a bad excuse about how her parents won't allow her.

The reason I KNOW this is a bad excuse is because she's met other people that she's known online in person. Just not ME. People she's only known for a month or two, while I've known her for YEARS.

I also suggested once that I wouldn't mind flying there to meet here and would pay for everything and a hotel room for myself and she said no because me paying that much would make her feel "guilty."

I think she's just lying to me. And since she's met other people off of the internet in person, it makes me feel really horrible that she just won't meet me as if there is something freakish about me.

She gets threatened to get kicked out of the house sometimes and I tell her if that happens, she can come live with me and I'd pay for her plane ticket and food and everything because it would just be fun to me to have a friend living with me and I didn't care if she paid for nothing, but how she thinks of me apparantally is that I'm not worthy of even being met when other people are.

I just am so mad and feel so betrayed. She finally found a way to come here and then made excuses about why she can't meet me.

 

[athwart]

What is she doing here in America with her family, what are the circumstances? Maybe she's telling the truth? I'm not diminishing your concerns, BTW, sometimes people like us assume the worst of people's intent, assume they're rejecting us when they are not. You've known her a long time, spent a lot of time talking about very personal stuff.

Also, maybe you're a little 'too close' to the problems that she has had with her parents? Maybe she shared things with you she has not shared with anyone else about the situation which will make it awkward for her if her parents are around?

 

[kamya]

She is probably telling the truth. There will be more chances to meet up.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I agree with athwart, could be she's just afraid something might come out her parents don't know about.

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

But why would someone be like "Hay, by some crazy chance, I'm like an hour away from where you live!! But I don't want to see you, fresia that." I personally think that's ridiculous. (d)
Have you tried to talk to her about it?

 

[user 9172]

Do her parents know about her meeting the other people from the internet? If not, then her excuse might be valid. When you're on your home turf it is much easier to do things without your parents knowing than it is when you're with them in a foreign country. I remember I went to stay over at a friends house when I was 15/16 having never met him in person before, only online, and I certainly didn't tell my parents the truth about it!

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'm kind of stuck on what I think on this. On one hand, as a friend, you shouldn't be mad at her. Even if you can't meet her now, there will be chances later in life, and if you're such great friends, this shouldn't affect anything. Sure, be upset, but full on mad at her is ridiculous. On the other hand, I'd see why you're like, "wtf", and I'd be a little put off too. But I'd tell her that I thought it was stupid that she came up with excuses not to meet up, and be done with it. There's not much more you can really do.

 

[Enchanted Girl]

Well, I will get over it . . . . to some degree, but I am thinking about rethinking our friendship and how I relate to it. I really don't like to care about people more than they care about me. I've done that too much in my life and I'll have to keep her at more of a distance if that's how she's feeling about the friendship that its just a silly, flippant, not real, online friendship. Only because I know a lot of people don't actually take online friendships seriously and if they don't, I don't want to either. It just hurts because she's one of the very few REAL friends (or so I thought) that I've had in my life. People that I can genuinely just talk to and won't judge me and just say anything with.

There will not be other chances to meet up. She doesn't have a job and is never going to have enough to come back here and as I said in my post, she will not allow me to save up money to go meet her. I've offered it before. She said she would someday come here and that's when the two of us would meet, which was why I got really upset when she was HERE, and then wouldn't meet up with me. She says she would feel guilty if I went to visit her that way because of the amount of money I'd have to pay (supposedly.)

Although I think its possible that what daveislonely said is right.

And I haven't talked to her about it. I don't know how. She already knows that I wanted to because I said I'd meet her up at any day she wanted to and drive there and only be there as long as she was comfortable with and then she said,"No" and I said,"Okay." Because what else can you say? I'm not going to force her to meet me and she already made her decision so there was no point in arguing with her.

She's going to Disneyland with her family and spends a lot of time alone in the lobby on the computer in the hotel room they are staying at without her parents there. I thought it would be okay to meet her there for an hour just to say hi or something, but it wasn't.

And the reason I suspect her of lying is because I know her well enough to know how she writes like when she's lying to people and she's writing to me that way. There is a chance that its not a lie and that's what I am hoping for (of course.) But from what I know about her and how she usually acts, I can tell most of the time what she's actually thinking behind the words she says to me.

And what I feel like she's saying is that she's not that serious of friends with me and has other people in person that she cares about more and has no interest in going out of her way even a little to meet me because its too much hassle.

 

[I'm Fine]

If you're as close as you say, she may be worried that, by actually meeting face-to-face, it will change the dynamics of your relationship and you end up losing each other as friends.

It's a thought anyway. I hope that, at some point, you can feel comfortable enough to actually ask her straight out - why - and have her answer truthfully. And I hope the answer is a good one. It's always horrible to lose a friend.

Good luck *hugs*

 

[Jesse]

I can't say for her, but if it were me I'd be kinda skeptical about meeting someone if they wanted to pay for all of my expenses. I'm a pretty shy person so I'd be really leary of that even if I had been online friends for a long time.

You might try something else. Maybe suggest meeting at a public place and having separate hotels, each paying for their own. You never know, it could be worth a try.

 

[Enchanted Girl]

I can't say for her, but if it were me I'd be kinda skeptical about meeting someone if they wanted to pay for all of my expenses. I'm a pretty shy person so I'd be really leary of that even if I had been online friends for a long time.

You might try something else. Maybe suggest meeting at a public place and having separate hotels, each paying for their own. You never know, it could be worth a try.

There's not a point in that.

Either I go to visit her and her area and her stay at her house or she comes to visit me and stays in a hotel here.

It's excessive for both of us to pay money to go to hotel rooms in random places.

That doesn't mean I have to ever go to her house (if I visited her where she lived, she could come to me in a hotel room) or have her come to mine (if she came here, then we could meet at a random public place.)

She also doesn't have a job so she can't actually pay for anything, ever.

What happened was she was visiting very close to where I live and usually lives in a different country. I wasn't paying for it, her family was and I don't think it would have made her feel any better if I bought a hotel room randomly in the same hotel she was staying in. It would be pointless when I can just drive somewhere of her choosing to meet her because I live so close nearby.

I'm really confused at what you are getting at with what you said and how that actually benefits anything.

 

[shourai]

If you're as close as you say, she may be worried that, by actually meeting face-to-face, it will change the dynamics of your relationship and you end up losing each other as friends.

It's a thought anyway. I hope that, at some point, you can feel comfortable enough to actually ask her straight out - why - and have her answer truthfully. And I hope the answer is a good one. It's always horrible to lose a friend.

Good luck *hugs*

Yes, she could be nervous about meeting after such a long time. I don't understand why she'd have sent the message though - there's something very odd about this situation.

Whatever you do, I'd say you should look for other deep friendships and NOT rely only on this one in future.

 

[SofiasMami]

I would be upset about her not wanting to see you too. You shouldn't have to convince a friend to come see you. I say forget analyzing it and what she's thinking, etc and take what she did at face value. She just wasn't that interested in seeing you. I think it was cruel for her to say to you that she was going to be only an hour away but that she couldn't see you. That's a little ridiculous.

Teresa

 

[viewpoint123]

This might haunt you for a while if you don't flat out ask your online friend "what is going on?". The logistics were a big hurdle but you should ask what is the point in telling me you are an hour away from me and don't want to meet? This is hurtful... tell her that.

One of the best things that can happen is that you can learn something from this event. If you don't tell her it was hurtful and what was the point, you leave this situation in pain, without any insight as to what to do differently next time.

Since we don't have a lot of information, I'm assuming she is doing something her parents wouldn't approve of in having an online relationship or in what she has confided in you. Since you have your own place and money, I'm assuming there is an age difference between the two of you? Whatever is the reason, you should put her on the spot about it. What are you going to lose??? -- an superficial friendship? By the way, don't ever encourage someone to do something behind their parents back. Meeting with you at the hotel when her parents were away is not a good foundation for a friendship. Even if she is over 18, if she is living under their roof and they are paying her bills, she needs to respect that by not going behind their back and so do you. I mean this in friendship for any future events, not in the negative.

 

[Enchanted Girl]

This might haunt you for a while if you don't flat out ask your online friend "what is going on?". The logistics were a big hurdle but you should ask what is the point in telling me you are an hour away from me and don't want to meet? This is hurtful... tell her that.

One of the best things that can happen is that you can learn something from this event. If you don't tell her it was hurtful and what was the point, you leave this situation in pain, without any insight as to what to do differently next time.

Since we don't have a lot of information, I'm assuming she is doing something her parents wouldn't approve of in having an online relationship or in what she has confided in you. Since you have your own place and money, I'm assuming there is an age difference between the two of you? Whatever is the reason, you should put her on the spot about it. What are you going to lose??? -- an superficial friendship? By the way, don't ever encourage someone to do something behind their parents back. Meeting with you at the hotel when her parents were away is not a good foundation for a friendship. Even if she is over 18, if she is living under their roof and they are paying her bills, she needs to respect that by not going behind their back and so do you. I mean this in friendship for any future events, not in the negative.

I actually don't know what her parents think about it for sure because she didn't bother to ask. She said she assumed they would say no. They also know about me because I have talked to her on the phone when they were around but before now us meeting was never discussed in a serious manner.

Also, we are very different in age, but both adults. She is 20 (21 in two weeks) and I am 25. She's not a very independent person and has never had a job. I don't think I'd actually ask anyone younger than 18 to meet me ever. It would make me feel weird, even though it would be innocent.

And I do want to ask. The reason I don't is because of how she handles confrontation . . . . . . She is scared of it. That's why she has a habit of lying to people to avoid it. And I know if there's a problem, I'd have to figure it out on my own anyway because she doesn't know how to tell people those things directly. She'd never tell me directly and it would just lead to a fight. But I might not have a choice at all.

@Sofiasmami: You know, I think I agree. I don't know. I just think actions tend to speak louder than words. They represent how someone is truly feeling and words just try to cover that up.

 

[Jesse]

I can't say for her, but if it were me I'd be kinda skeptical about meeting someone if they wanted to pay for all of my expenses. I'm a pretty shy person so I'd be really leary of that even if I had been online friends for a long time.

You might try something else. Maybe suggest meeting at a public place and having separate hotels, each paying for their own. You never know, it could be worth a try.

There's not a point in that.

Either I go to visit her and her area and her stay at her house or she comes to visit me and stays in a hotel here.

It's excessive for both of us to pay money to go to hotel rooms in random places.

That doesn't mean I have to ever go to her house (if I visited her where she lived, she could come to me in a hotel room) or have her come to mine (if she came here, then we could meet at a random public place.)

She also doesn't have a job so she can't actually pay for anything, ever.

What happened was she was visiting very close to where I live and usually lives in a different country. I wasn't paying for it, her family was and I don't think it would have made her feel any better if I bought a hotel room randomly in the same hotel she was staying in. It would be pointless when I can just drive somewhere of her choosing to meet her because I live so close nearby.

I'm really confused at what you are getting at with what you said and how that actually benefits anything.

Well I thought maybe you were scaring her off a little bit. I guess I didn't fully understand the situation. Sorry! I was just trying to help.

 

[Limlim]

Seems a little odd that she would decide not to meet you in these circumstances. There have to be other factors involved if after 7 years she just isn't curious enough to meet for an hour. Dollars to donuts the parents are involved somehow and are putting up the cockblock (figurative).

I can only repeat what others have said. There's more to this than meets the eye, ask her for details. If you're planning on bailing on the friendship anyway, you might as well ask instead of worrying about offending her.

 

[Lost Soul]

That's horrible, I don't understand why people do stuff like that. People confused me plenty of times in somewhat similar situations.

 

[Tiina63]

If you're as close as you say, she may be worried that, by actually meeting face-to-face, it will change the dynamics of your relationship and you end up losing each other as friends.


This happened to me once with someone I got on great with online and on the phone. We met, and didn't hit it off at all, and sadly this affected things so much we ended up losing contact.