I Cannot Figure Out Something

[AFrozenSoul]

I have been doing pretty poorly in everything in these past months since my cat died. I drink too much, I do not workout, I do not do anything that I should be doing. I just lie around doing nothing and I am not sure why to be honest. I know that my poor health will contribute to such things. However, I just do not know what to do most days that I end up like this. I am also wasting a lot of time thinking about things as well.

One thing that has been bothering me for a while is the fact that I do not think I know how to form meaningful relationships. I have noticed this over the past couple of years. Back in the day I would be able to meet people on the various different forums I went too with no real problem. I would be able to make friends with them and have some kind of regular communication. Most were even kind enough to tell me when they were done with the forum and would tell me how to contact them using other means. The last time that happened was over 5 years ago. Now the places I go to on the net are the same in real life. I feel like I am more or less just intruding upon the lives of the people there. I have no idea what it means to be a friend. To be honest I find having to deal with people to be annoying. Even more so I have no idea what it means to be a significant other. Again my observations have shown that there is only one benefit to such a thing.

Which confuses me from time to time since there are people out there who know everyone and are friends with everyone and go through potential mates like they go through water. True enough from time to time this bothers me. I am not bitter about them at least they value human beings in the real world. To me people have uses and that is it. A friend might be able to buy me food or pay the rent. A significant other will release hormones that can only be released by other people. At the same time I cannot offer them anything that they might want. I am boring, lazy, stupid, not attractive. In all reality I know that people are much better off alone than with me. The worst part is the fact that I have even tried to imitate successful people.

This is one thing that I kind of regret doing. I took some time and tried to imitate the people who are very successful. I tried grooming myself, smiling, being out going all that stuff. Yet for some reason my results were the same. I put a great deal of time and effort into that stuff and it got me nothing but a hole in my wallet and almost a year of my life lost. It is no wonder that I ever returned to my current state. Even trying to be out going did not work for me. Which is something that leads me to believe there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

I am not sure why so many people out there seem to enjoy lying to me. The people who have been forced to interact with me for extended periods of time will tell me that I am good looking, smart, funny, interesting and all that jazz. Yet they are all at a loss when they see how I have no other people in my life except them. They are also a part of my life because of circumstances. Whether they share parents with me or I am forced to work on long term projects with them at work/school. They all seem to only find these traits in me after an extended period of time. They are all dumbfounded by the fact that I am alone all the time. Even better they force themselves to not see any reason why I should not be swimming in people because I am so awesome in their eyes.

I do not know... I just felt like babbling. All this depression since my cat died has made me want to sleep more. Sadly I have to become conscious because I am finding that sleeping for 10 to 14 hours gives me back pains. So I need to kill time while those pains go away. Maybe I just need to go out and get a nice shot of Oxytocin to go along with the endorphins that are released from exercise. I do justify to myself that not remember the effects of mixing those two hormones is a good thing. At the same time I cannot help but wonder if my lack of that hormone cocktail is what I need in my life to feel happy or see the world differently. I mean I know that the only way I am going to get such a thing is to buy it and I am not really willing to put forth the cost in time or cash to get it. Oh well, I will just have to continue to hope that some female will come rescue me. I know that no female that is worth it will put forth the effort, but I guess I can pretend.

 

[jaguarundi]

The problem with being on one's own a lot, and being lonely, is that one's thinking gets more and more circular and divorced from reality. I call it the hamster wheel. With every turn of the wheel things become magnified, potential slights become deliberate snubs become the whole world hating you.

Believe me I do understand this sort of thinking I have been guilty of it myself, and even now, even after much practice of mental self discipline, I find myself in the occasional "why me? what have I done? Why can't I have loving family and someone who cares waiting at home to make me soup and help me get the firewood in because I have my hand in a sling?" Or whatever.

The thing is, riding the hamster wheel does not help. It does not make you feel better, it makes it worse. It doesn't help you make friends, it pisses other people off because of the negativity. It doesn't give you energy, it drags you down into a morass of tiredness and self pity, and depression. It becomes a habit. If you let it.

When you find yourself thinking this way, STOP. Do something that absorbs or interests you. Preferably something creative. Go outside for a walk. Move. Get off the hamster wheel. If you have ridden it so long you are in depression, get medical help.

Venting on here is not a bad thing in itself. But do not, not ever, let the stuff you vent become your constant monologue, and part of who you are.

Because, to be brutal, and whether it is fair or not, in the end no one likes a whining negative person. Not even the person themselves.

And mourn your kitty cat. I love my pets, they are my loving companions. If its been awhile, and your circumstances permit get a kitten. Once you try and stop it climbing the curtains, peeing on the rug or sticking its claws on your nose, you won't have as much time to brood on your own circumstances.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@jaguarundi: The problem that I have is my interests only delay when I will think about those things again. Sure they provide a distraction, but once my batteries run out or I cramp up or I just get tired the thoughts will return.

 

[Batman55]

Get thee a partner

T'would help. One is the loneliest number

 

[Tiina63]

@jaguarundi: The problem that I have is my interests only delay when I will think about those things again. Sure they provide a distraction, but once my batteries run out or I cramp up or I just get tired the thoughts will return.

I can understand this. I can get involved in one of my interests but the loneliness and the stress and the fear it causes are always there waiting to return. The problem is that although our interests are a distraction, at the same time they are only papering over the cracks.
A new cat might help you, as it would give you a little companion waiting for you at home. It isn't the same as a person, but it is better than being completely alone. If your finances and living situation permit, maybe you could find a kitten.
And as Batman says a relationship would be even better. However, finding one is so difficult.

 

[jaguarundi]

@jaguarundi: The problem that I have is my interests only delay when I will think about those things again. Sure they provide a distraction, but once my batteries run out or I cramp up or I just get tired the thoughts will return.

It happens. Just gently tell yourself to STOP. Try counting your breath. One as you inhale, Two as you exhale. If you find yourself hamsterwheeling, just go back to the counting, no self blame. If you are tired it will help you sleep.

If you prefer some other mentally relaxing exercise, listen to a guided meditation or similar. YouTube has loads.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Batman55: I am incapable of going through the farce required to obtain a mate. I am just not capable of pretending that my interest in a potential mate is not just sex. It is far too much work to make up such a lie. It would be one thing if I had proof that potential mates I have an attraction to share an attraction to me. Sadly I have proof that the opposite is true. Which magnifies the amount of effort I have to put into the lie.

@Tiina63: Well here I run into another problem. I have never actually had to go find a kitty to adopt. The kitties I have had in my life have just been given to me. So... right now it is too hard to go to a shelter because I want to get a kitty or two.. but if I go into a shelter I feel bad not being able to adopt all the kitties.

 

[kamya]

You are addicted to your own self pity.

 

[Tiina63]

You could turn things around in your mind if you go to a shelter and think that at least you are giving one little cat a good home. And also that it is good that there are many kittens on offer for other kind people to come along and adopt.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Tiina63: I know that is how I should think, but it is hard right now. I still feel like I am just going out and buying a replacement... and my kitty meant more to me than that. Thanks for your advice though.