I can't forgive my parents

[cumulus.james]

I deliberately keep away from my parents. I would rather spend christmas alone that with them. Growing up it was a typical patriarchy, rule was backed up with violence. Difference not tolerated. They could be mean at the best of times; the coldness forced the siblings to compete against each other for what little glimpse of attention might be offered. But more that any of that was the rabid homophobia. Not only did it force me to hide myself, and to go through it alone, it turned me against myself - I internalized that homophobia and turned it inwards on myself.

It is not native to your own internal psychology to hate yourself, for this to occur work must be done on it by outside forces. One then spends ones life be blamed for the fractured state of one's selfhood that one had no hand in the creation thereof.

The broken, fractured, fragmented self is not easy to recompose. Especially since you are to be held to account for your own damage for the rest of your life.

 

[Devon]

I deliberately keep away from my parents. I would rather spend christmas alone that with them. Growing up it was a typical patriarchy, rule was backed up with violence. Difference not tolerated. They could be mean at the best of times; the coldness forced the siblings to compete against each other for what little glimpse of attention might be offered. But more that any of that was the rabid homophobia. Not only did it force me to hide myself, and to go through it alone, it turned me against myself - I internalized that homophobia and turned it inwards on myself.

It is not native to your own internal psychology to hate yourself, for this to occur work must be done on it by outside forces. One then spends ones life be blamed for the fractured state of one's selfhood that one had no hand in the creation thereof.

The broken, fractured, fragmented self is not easy to recompose. Especially since you are to be held to account for your own damage for the rest of your life.

Hello again! I just replied to your other thread. I think your great very open and chatty and interesting, clearly intelligent.
You are very hard on yourself though cumulus its over now and you are free of them. You are allowed a bit of happiness!
I don't have anything to do with my mum and she left a lot of mental scars for me to deal with, but I refuse to let her control my future life. I cut all ties and I'm a lot happier for it.
We are individuals we can choose to change our future. The past is gone. You will drain yourself and become exhausted if you keep holding on to the past. Set yourself free.

 

[LonesomeDay]

No answers - just to say that I remember being about 17 or 18, walking down the street with my parents and hating them. As I was walking along, I suddenly felt really bad. Right at that moment I was consummed by self-hatred.

It was overwhelming.

I became convinced I was worthless and from then on my life was diminished: full of anxiety, panic and social phobia. It only got better when my mother died and I broke off all contact with my father.

It took years to rebuild my self-esteem and I still don't have any friends (but that's because I'm not making much effort nowadays - just getting on with my artwork, which brings me much happiness and joy).

I believe my dysfunctional family lay at the root cause of it as I was a cheerful happy child initially. I believe I turned all that hatred in towards myself. I can still remember it as if it was yesterday.

 

[Eliraven]

That's okey if you can't forgive them, but can you forgive yourself? Understand that what they did was their decision, which has absolutely nothing to do with your worth.

There is a page that I visit almost every day, which has help me a lot in understanding myself and the problems I had with my past relationship. The girl also talks a lot about her childhood, which is pretty similar to you. She is really good at explaining the way us (the victims) and to find the root of the problem and how to solve it. Her page is http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Read it it will make you understand you and why you are still holding on to the pain and how to free yourself. Good luck and wish you the best.

 

[constant stranger]

There's an expiration date for blaming parents....it's one of the thresholds of achieving personal authenticity to know this.

Having said that, I still haven't forgiven my father for disliking me and methodically humiliating me for 40 years....however I do not blame him for my shortcomings. My faults are my own fault.

SO....there's a contrast between blame and forgiveness. If he had acknowledged his own cruelty and asked for my forgiveness, I hope I would have given it hence drawing us both closer towards a resolution. But he never did, right up to the day of his death. His last words to me were an open insult and my last words were, "You're going to be gone in a few days and I'm not going to miss you."

But I do not blame him for my own problems......they're my responsibility.

Hope this doesn't hijack your thread CJ.

 

[Tiina63]

CJ-is there any possibility that you could connect with your siblings if not your parents? Now that you are no longer competing for your parents' attention, maybe a new relationship between you and one or more of them could give you some healing?
I understand self hatred and agree that it comes from outside. I have hated being me all my life so I can see where you are coming from.

 

[cumulus.james]

CJ-is there any possibility that you could connect with your siblings if not your parents? Now that you are no longer competing for your parents' attention, maybe a new relationship between you and one or more of them could give you some healing?
I understand self hatred and agree that it comes from outside. I have hated being me all my life so I can see where you are coming from.

No. I cannot connect with anyone. I spend all my time alone.

 

[Paraiyar]

CJ-is there any possibility that you could connect with your siblings if not your parents? Now that you are no longer competing for your parents' attention, maybe a new relationship between you and one or more of them could give you some healing?
I understand self hatred and agree that it comes from outside. I have hated being me all my life so I can see where you are coming from.

No. I cannot connect with anyone. I spend all my time alone.

Would there be any harm in trying?

 

[cumulus.james]

CJ-is there any possibility that you could connect with your siblings if not your parents? Now that you are no longer competing for your parents' attention, maybe a new relationship between you and one or more of them could give you some healing?
I understand self hatred and agree that it comes from outside. I have hated being me all my life so I can see where you are coming from.

No. I cannot connect with anyone. I spend all my time alone.

Would there be any harm in trying?

Some walls once erected can never be torn down.

 

[TheRealCallie]

CJ-is there any possibility that you could connect with your siblings if not your parents? Now that you are no longer competing for your parents' attention, maybe a new relationship between you and one or more of them could give you some healing?
I understand self hatred and agree that it comes from outside. I have hated being me all my life so I can see where you are coming from.

No. I cannot connect with anyone. I spend all my time alone.

Would there be any harm in trying?

Some walls once erected can never be torn down.

ALL walls can be torn down. It just takes your own permission.

 

[cumulus.james]

CJ-is there any possibility that you could connect with your siblings if not your parents? Now that you are no longer competing for your parents' attention, maybe a new relationship between you and one or more of them could give you some healing?
I understand self hatred and agree that it comes from outside. I have hated being me all my life so I can see where you are coming from.

No. I cannot connect with anyone. I spend all my time alone.

Would there be any harm in trying?

Some walls once erected can never be torn down.

ALL walls can be torn down. It just takes your own permission.

Ah! Callie! she who knows everyone else's business better than they know it themselves.

She who apparently is without a sympathetic nervous system.

She who I have several complaints about in my inbox about asking 1) how do we get rid of her, 2) how do we get ALL back to the kind loving place it once was.

She who was at one time a human, now more a Dalek.

She who comes to a forum called 'A Lonely Life' without any possible understanding that people do feel lonely, do feel alone, suffer depression they cannot help and do feel hurt.

She who uses the forum for nothing else than to boost her own ego, drive people off it and is backed up by the fact one of the moderators is also without empathy.

This is a forum for lonely depressed people. When did you Nazis take control?

Callie, have a word with yourself or get lost. Some of us are nice and real. You are nasty and fake.

 

[Paraiyar]

While Callie and I haven't always agreed on everything, I do think she was trying to be helpful to you here.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I'll give you the same advice we've given many other people, if there is someone you can't get along with just put them on ignore. You talk about empathy but you just sat there and slung insults and called someone names. That isn't any better.

Since you went that path I'm going to close this thread before it gets worse