I can't NOT be alone

[genfastsalts]

Hello all. I am new to the forums. I keep a pocket journal with me and frequently write about my own sense of isolation. I want to share my thoughts... they're just my own observations, sitting plain in site, I have no message. I don't write much in A-to-B narrative form, more of a stream of consciousness -- or ramble, if you will.

A little bit about me: I am 22/m. I am just about to graduate this week from college. I have a very, very bright future ahead of me. In short, I love what I am doing right now and soon, I get to do it professionally. Nothing more needs to be said.

My whole life story revolves around loneliness. I am a loner. It doesn't mean I don't have loving friends and family, but above all else that is how I have always identified myself. Perception is reality when it comes to loneliness, with no exceptions.

Somehow I ended up okay. I have always realized that and I count my blessings. Sometimes I get depressed just wondering why I'm so sad and whiny despite all the positives in my life. I hated those types in grade school. I start to think of myself as an underachiever -- someone with too much baggage (the loneliness) to fulfill his potential. Like the Kwame Brown or the Darko Milicic of life.

But that's getting ahead of myself. How did I begin?
Kindergarten--6th grade -- diagnosed with histiocytosis. Spent days/weeks in chemo. Had to wear a back brace/neck brace half the time, sometimes walk with crutches. This meant being on the sidelines during recess, lunch, and PE. Everyone played soccer and basketball but me. You don't know how much it kills a hardcore baseball fan, someone who dreamed of being a pro pitcher, to have never played baseball... and to whiff on softball pitches and throw like a girl in front of others. Life was just watching other people play.

Middle school: I actually made friends in 6th grade (disease went into remission indefinitely that year), which led me to some kind of hope. Then middle school started and it's like everyone became friends on the first day except me. I knew loners got picked on. I hated lunch (35 minutes long). I learned how to hide during lunch. There was lunch periods where I would be in the lunch line for 8-9 minutes, then right when I was close, I'd pretend I was going to the bathroom and dodge out... only to return later and go to the back of the line. Sometime between doing this for the 41st and 386th time, I grew into the most socially passive and introverted human being in the universe (luckily it wasn't worse... like psycho school shooter... always a remote possibility with us loners).

High school: it was very slow but I went from habitual avoider to semi-normal person with friends. I think it was here when the isolation started to feel worse than ever, because having a group of friends wasn't everything I thought it would be. I felt trapped. Now I knew I WANTED to be alone. Any sense of distress around others would result me in going dead quiet and pouncing on the first opportunity for an exit.

College: more of the same... friends... trapped... no clarity around others. I go to parties only to leave because I hate feeling lonely in a crowd (worst feeling ever). Tearing my hair out because I can't talk to girls. Can't might be a little off, it's more like "don't want to" but yet I do! It's just... complicated.

But you know what's great? I like being alone. I guess it's "solitude" by definition now. I am focused and brilliant when I am alone. I learned to do everything alone, I motivated myself to do everything.

Then there's the dark side (of course). Things get really confusing around people. It's like all my positive traits disappear and all the negatives come to the surface. I get extremely defensive about wanting being alone. Sometimes I wonder my friends are really my friends. Sometimes I think they let me down. Sometimes it feels like everyone is in on some practical joke, looking mellow and at ease in crowds while I am raking myself over the coals for my inability to be normal like them. Sometimes everyone can just go f--- emselves, and they didn't even do anything to me. It's like this even when I'm confident and happy. It's these moments when I feel lonely and then I wonder if it will be this way for the rest of my life.

When I talk to my friends about personal issues, this is where it all goes wrong. They don't judge me and in fact they try to help. But I feel so, so much worse afterwards. Sometimes I go into a depressive spiral. Eventually, I will get out of bed and go to a coffee shop to be alone. Find some answers. And it never fails. (I am typing all of this from an obscure corner at a Panera Bread) This is my "proof" that being alone is just a superior choice. So why do I feel so guilty about it (at times)?

I do think I have made a lot of progress though but I've hit the wall hard. Maybe some day the two worlds can be one.

I am not shy nor do I get nervous. But I scored like 98% in introvertedness on a personality test. I think the 2% can be attributed to be a poorly worded question.

That's it for now.

---

I always re-read what I write... and man there is so much cognitive dissonance in the writing. I apologize for that in advance, but cog-dis with other people is the defining theme.

 

[Solitary]

Oh my, so much similarities. Only change your physical conditions to my rather psychological one (stutter) and there you have it. Driven to social seclusion at one point after which the contradiction arises: desperate need for contact and yet the desire to get as far away from it as possible when it is actually happening. Complicated. But what can we do? We kind of lost the opportunity to develop that social side of ourselves when we should have. Now it is very difficult to get into that track in which others have had a huge head start. We can only try to like the solitude and be good at something. I'm happy that you are certain about your future. It's not something everyone has.

Well, at least know that there are people in situations like this, and I dare say quite a lot.

Keep on struggling. I think it's the best thing we can do.

 

[genfastsalts]

There's a certain "grass is always greener on the other side" kind of thing with being alone/solitary. Some people can't stand to be alone and live in fear of it. I try to remember this when I see happy-go-lucky extroverts out there and am tempted to assume they have it all figured out.

 

[Solitary]

Hehe, true. Appearances often deceive. I've taken notice that the fear of loneliness is much more rampant than loneliness itself. At least we've got the guts to face it, not like some other folk.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I throw like a girl because the mechanics of throwing are not gender dependent. So no more of that.

Second, we are all more powerful when we are alone. No one to judge us. No one to make us feel bad. There is only ourselves. It is an empowering feeling. It can be addicting.

I am not really sure what advice to give you. What are you looking for?

 

[genfastsalts]

I don't think I am looking for advice for now. I feel pretty good as of this moment. I actually want to help people out, because as I said, I feel real lucky to be where I am, despite the occasional mood swings. The feelings of despair go in cycles and I actually wrote the above in a good mood. Sometimes I just need expression... I have a blog but it is content-centric so I can't whine away there ;P

 

[rosebud]

I can relate a lot to what you've shared with us. Most loners are introverts. I did a similar test and I scored 78% introvert rating, it didn't surprised me one bit. Loneliness is a very complicated issue. Something people who haven't experienced just can't understand, no matter how much they try. In the past I tried talking to people about my loneliness, about those feelings of emptiness, anger, actually every possible feeling that you can associate with being lonely and it didn't help. Maybe even made things worse. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to people about it, but at least for me it had more negative than positive effect. I guess I'm a loner by nature, it started when I was a kid and formed as the feeling I know in my teens and high school years. I'm in college now and it isn't going away. I guess I'm just bored with the people around me, I really can't relate, because it's my choice. I don't want to act as someone I'm not. I've learned to adapt to my loneliness, in a sense I manage it quite well from time to time. There are days that I'm so tired after a long day of useless communication with other people, that I can't wait to go home and crash on the couch, get a beer and watch a game on tv. Reason I wrote all this is because I think you have similar issues to mine. Loneliness can be your best friend and your worst enemy, it can be overcomed, but think about at what cost. If you don't look for advice, take it as something you can think about. As for the basketball reference, try being Tony Allen - a person who knows his limits, being able to adapt to his surroundings, and be very efficient with all aspects of his life.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I am exactly like you. Are you also a perfectionist?

I highly, highly suspect that it has something to do with feeling calm and in control when we are not with people, and can find some form of excellence(academic or otherwise). If you are like me, then you may also do great in class and in talking to professors or asking questions in class. It becomes an environment where you understand and can control, and therefore feel safe or even good in.

But socially, you may not understand "what's appropriate" or that leads to discomfort, which for me, rapidly led to a kind of panicked "I NEED TO GET AWAY" and then by self-loathing. Its an appalling cycle that took me a long time to break away from.

For me, ultimately it was the determination that I /was/ going to get better("I will be hurt, I will fail, I will screw up, but if I keep trying, odds will favor me") and then the search for a safe environment(I eventually found a club that matched my interests), which all worked out. Surprisingly enough, it was less pain than I initially thought.

Go with courage, my friend. Its not our fault that we lack some knowledge that others have, regarding "normal sociality." And we can relearn it, it just takes some doing.

 

[Outlawstarl337]

i feel a lot like you from early on in my child hood i was alone. i spent my time in kinder garden first and second grade sitting on a hill near the recess ground watching the other children play i didn't see the point in most of what they were doing. but i'm a bit different i excluded my self by will in my early years of my life. i spent most my time thinking about what others were thinking and talking to those that also separated them selves from every one. i remember this one kid when i was sitting on the hill every day watching the other kids run and play that would play basket ball all by him self. when i talked to him it whats what he enjoyed like what i enjoyed was watching the world move around me with out interfering with its motions.

during my later elementary year i started interacting with other children but i did it on my terms and at times i would once again exclude my self from the group and read book or watch everything with out interacting. i though once remember crying at recess because i realized that if i didn't speak first or try and find people to hang out with that no one would try and talk to me. it seams silly now to think about it but it's true if i'm not the aggressive/active one seeking out people to talk to i'll be alone it's just a fact of life for me now.

lastly the first time i realized i didn't have any friends and was alone was in 9th grade. i realized that after school i was truly alone because no one ever hung out with me after school i spent my time alone after school ended. And that also when i realized that when i hung out at school with people i was often just intruding on other peoples group and that if i didn't start hanging out with people that i was the one left alone. though it depressed me i find it a beautiful thing now. that i'm some one that knows my self and can enjoy my company all the time. others are just missing out on who i am.

in this loneliness I've been able to refine my self work on my skills with use of the English language, differentiate between my emotions and reflect on things the most would never think about. so i don't regret feeling lonely though i don't really suffer from it any more because I've created groups around me now. I've learned how to seek out those that don't socialize well and it's something that i'm great at. So loneliness in my early life I've got to say has made me a better person over all.

So what i'm trying to say is i know what you mean and i feel for you. but i'm also agreeing that it's something that when you deal with it it makes you a better person. and i agree with AFrozenSoul

Second, we are all more powerful when we are alone. No one to judge us. No one to make us feel bad. There is only ourselves. It is an empowering feeling. It can be addicting.

perception is reality and when were alone we create all of our own perspectives with out having some one trying to change us to what they want and believe what they want.
Plus mob mentality proves this point more thoroughly. in a group people begin to act along with every one else instead of thinking for them selves.

 

[DjarumSmokes]

Simply put- I can dig it.

Just seems real crazy for someone who is generally happy to be questioning their own happiness... i think we all live in fear of WHEN that depression will come back...Not so much the loneliness... But when that trigger will come back to conjure up every emotion we thought we got rid of through loneliness.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I don't believe that anyone should be depressed, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to improve oneself. Improving oneself through better sociality is worthwhile too - most accomplishments are done by a number of people, not just one. Being able to work with others, therefore, is of great importance.