I can't seem to get close to anyone.

[Cavey]

I have no idea where to start here. I'm comfortable answering other people's threads, but I am much less comfortable starting my own.

I realised today that I am still letting my relationship with my estranged wife hold me back from forming new friendships and relationships. We've had absolutely NO contact with each other for over six years, so there is very little chance of me ever seeing her again - let alone of reconciliation. The problem is that I seem to be stand-offish with all other human beings, especially those of the opposite sex. Even on this forum, I interact through the threads, but I don't get involved in the chat room/skype and when I receive PMs, I answer in as quick and emotionless way as possible.

There are several reasons for this. Firstly, I don't think I trust people any longer. I expect other people to hurt me, and my brain won't seem to let me 'lower my shields' long enough to get close to another human being - even for a friendship. Secondly, Whenever it comes to women, I tend to compare them (usually unfavourably) with my wife.

I also have social anxiety disorder and suffer from manic depression which doesn't help at all. Oh yes, and if that wasn't enough, I'm suffering from several medical conditions. One of these conditions is called Geographic Tongue and although it's benign and non-communicable, it makes my tongue look like something out of a zombie movie. It's hard to make a connection with another person when you're self-conscious and trying desperately to keep your mouth closed.

I don't know how to break myself out of the rut I am in. I haven't made a friend in years and although I am happy with who I am, it would be nice to have someone to share things with. I can't really remember how I made friends or formed romantic relationships years ago, but it never seemed this difficult.

I don't even know what I am asking here. I don't know if I want advice, if I just want to hear the thoughts of others or if this is simply a rant...

I will now post this, become embarrassed and then deny I had anything to do with it.

 

[Rosebolt]

I don't see this as a rant, i see this a shout of desperation. No need to be embarrrassed about that, living the way you appeared to have lived, this was bound to happen. And it's good you have done it on here, in my opinion.

Also, i don't think your "social anxiety disorder" deserves a mention. That is to say, you already kind of explained you were afraid and distrustful or people and their reactions. Zoom in on the disorder like that and it becomes harder to overcome. So my advice is to not do that. You're a man who has difficulity talking to, and especially, trusting people.

Or is trusting people the only problem? Because you are distrustful, you are afraid to talk to people, they might hurt you. Because you mistrust people, you are afraid of what they might think or say about your medical conditions.

Hmm. No, trusting people isn't the only problem is it? Having a healthy load of self esteem would help alot as well, and you still don't have to trust people. Compared to two years ago, i have an insane amount of self esteem (still not on a healthy amount), and i can talk with people quite normally, but no, i don't trust anyone.

I'd say practising on the forum would be a good start. Of course, that's alot easier said than done.

What i've seen from you, is that you're quite a funny guy. When i think of you, though, the first and last thing that pops up in my head is that i respect you alot. For admitting certain things about your previous relationship, and knowing that you were wrong. So that's what i think of you, it may or may not help in your quest to improve yourself.

If i can do anything to help, don't hesitate to ask.

 

[LoneKiller]

Do you still love her?

 

[UGLYDUCKLING]

Well that's normal I believe...well maybe if you keep conversations going long enough you would find yourself getting close to people without knowing... Just don't...feel too bad.It's perfectly normal..with your past that is :/

 

[ladyforsaken]

I don't know how to break myself out of the rut I am in. I haven't made a friend in years and although I am happy with who I am, it would be nice to have someone to share things with. I can't really remember how I made friends or formed romantic relationships years ago, but it never seemed this difficult.

Hi user 130057, I'm sorry to read about this. :\

I know it's not easy to break out of something like this.. as I know it's still taking me awhile to get rid of my insecurities about myself and that could've taken a toll in some of the relationships and friendships I've tried forming previously.

Not sure if I have a good solution to this but I'd try to stop worrying about what others would think of me, and stop thinking negatively of people. Yes.. you still gotta be careful with strangers, but that doesn't mean you think they are all going to be bad. Yeah it's always easier said than done.. but just try, I guess. Also, what do you do when you start worrying anyway? Well, I used to keep myself distracted with other things. Being aware of your thoughts and emotions is the first step, and then to curb them and use other things to push those thoughts away might help.

Also, try doing things that would make you feel better about yourself first. I think this is what's most important, before you can actually form friendships where people will feel good about you.

P.S.
I might be spewing rubbish above, and I'm not proof-reading to check for anything stupid but hope it helps one way or another.

Good luck, user 130057!

Also, like what Rosebolt say, if there's anything I can help you with, just ask - don't hesitate.

 

[Locke]

I'm sorry you're having these problems user 130057, sounds rough. I have similar trust issues and social anxiety problems. I've been forcing myself to talk to people and make an effort. It hasn't gone great every time, in fact I've made a fool of myself more than once lately. As bad as failure is, the thought of continuing my lone existence is worse. And the small successes I've had trusting and talking to people have been worth it.

I wish I had good advice, but the best I can think of is what ladyforsaken already, try and stop thinking negatively of people and give them a chance.

 

[Cavey]

I want to thank you guys for replying. I think I just wanted to 'get it out of me' and I feel better for it.

I've been forcing myself to talk to people and make an effort. It hasn't gone great every time, in fact I've made a fool of myself more than once lately. As bad as failure is, the thought of continuing my lone existence is worse. And the small successes I've had trusting and talking to people have been worth it.

I have been trying for the last few months. I greet most people that I pass during my walks and most people will respond in kind. Occasionally, this will lead to 'small talk'.

Sometimes, I'll have longer conversations with store clerks or people that randomly start conversations with me in my town, but it never leads to anything. I'm not even sure if I want friendship - I just want people to acknowledge my existence.

I'd try to stop worrying about what others would think of me, and stop thinking negatively of people. Yes.. you still gotta be careful with strangers, but that doesn't mean you think they are all going to be bad. Yeah it's always easier said than done.. but just try, I guess. Also, what do you do when you start worrying anyway?

I used to have a huge problem with this. I used to think that everyone was staring at me and assessing me in every way possible. As I got older, most of that has disappeared. I go out every day because I enjoy walking and taking photographs. I like to sit in the sun and just relax. It's always alone though and when I was in my late teens to mid twenties, I had loads of friends and a reasonably active social life. I just don't remember HOW I got it

Oh, and until recently, when I started worrying, I would retreat to my house and hide away there, then I'd eat until I felt so full that I couldn't possibly do anything. That was entirely negative though, so I knocked it on the head. Now, I just sort of stand, take a deep breath and attempt to tell myself that my fear is irrational.

Also, try doing things that would make you feel better about yourself first. I think this is what's most important, before you can actually form friendships where people will feel good about you.

This is good advice and I've already taken steps in that direction. I have nice clothes. I don't HATE how I look. I've lost almost all of the weight and I quite like who I am as a person.

Or is trusting people the only problem? Because you are distrustful, you are afraid to talk to people, they might hurt you. Because you mistrust people, you are afraid of what they might think or say about your medical conditions.

No, I disliked all forms of social interaction prior to having any of the medical conditions. Even when I had loads of friends, I still felt uncomfortable when it was anything more than one on one.

I'm not really afraid of what people will say about the medical conditions either, but I always think about the one I mentioned because if I were a woman, I wouldn't want a mouth like mine anywhere near me.

What i've seen from you, is that you're quite a funny guy. When i think of you, though, the first and last thing that pops up in my head is that i respect you alot. For admitting certain things about your previous relationship, and knowing that you were wrong. So that's what i think of you, it may or may not help in your quest to improve yourself.

That's very nice of you to say. I remember you giving me rep when I replied to a thread saying how badly I had treated my wife. I know I deserved to lose her - I just sometimes wish she could of known the person I am now and not the person I was when I was in my mid twenties.

Do you still love her?

Ah, now there's the million dollar question.

Is it possible to still love someone when you have had no contact with them for years? I'm a completely different person, so chances are that she's completely different too. Either way, I'll never see her again.

I realise I didn't actually answer there...

Probably. I feel stupid saying that, but probably. It's my cross to bear. I treated someone badly and, in the end, they treated me badly in return. I deserved to be left and it changed me into a better (albeit lonelier) person.

I know we'll never see each other again, but I do wish that she knew how sorry I am for the way things turned out and that I'd never treat another woman as poorly as I treated her.

 

[ladyforsaken]

This is good advice and I've already taken steps in that direction. I have nice clothes. I don't HATE how I look. I've lost almost all of the weight and I quite like who I am as a person.

Good, keep going this way.

Good luck, user 130057.

 

[edamame721]

Hi user 130057, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time making friends. I think it's hard for most people to make friends after their mid-20s because you don't see the same people very often. You've forged friendships in school, but eventually, people move and drift away. It can also be hard to make friends with co-workers and then hard to keep them as friends if you change jobs.

And to be truthful, I think most people are insecure and carry baggage (me included!). I'm so glad you're doing things that make you feel better about yourself. I'm just letting you know, even the most seemingly social of people have trouble making friends! *hugs*

Also, have you considered getting a pet? If you're not ready to trust people, a pet can provide companionship, and you can meet fellow pet owners on walks, etc. A shared hobby will work too!

 

[Cavey]

Also, have you considered getting a pet? If you're not ready to trust people, a pet can provide companionship, and you can meet fellow pet owners on walks, etc. A shared hobby will work too!

I'm a cat person and I'd probably draw the wrong sort of attention if I took one out on a walk

Having said that, I don't actually have a pet, because I had my last 2 cats for 15 years, and when they died, I didn't really feel like getting a 'replacement'.

I have 2 nieces that live just around the corner and one of them treats my house like a hotel. She's in and out of here constantly...

"Can I use your toilet?" "Can you top up my phone?" "Do you have any change?" "Can I have some food?" "Can you help me with my homework?"

That keeps me busy enough

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

I have this same problem, I don't like people getting into my comfort zone yet I want someone to enter it. I don't even accept my work colleagues friend requests on facebook as to me that's my personal space that oddly I don't want to share even though its a social network....weird.

I find alcohol fixes the situation for about 5/6hours, then reality kicks in and I remember that maybe I'm just not a nice person.

 

[Bones]

@ user 130057:

I know the feeling.

My heart & trust has been broken one too many times.

My way of dealing with it (which is wrong) is to not get close to anyone; and if I do inadvertently, I normally find a way to screw it up or something horribly goes wrong - so, it is better for me to run, run far away and accept that I suck in relationships - it is like a curse or something.

It is really a shame for me because I had a great pair of rose colored glasses for most of my life.

And, what is worse, I do not think I could be the person who I use to be anymore and resigned myself to stay out of relationships even though deep down I would like to have another one - but, I dont think another failed relationship will go over with me well especially after trying again in 2010 & 2011.

(In 2010, no sooner than the plane landing on my business trip to SC, L cheated on me during lunch - however, I do give her credit for being honest about it after confronting her & she thinks she made a mistake - and as usual, everyone that I date normally gets married within a year for some strange reason and I do not get that.

Another person in 2010 (met her online) was married - though, I think she really cared for me.

And in 2011 ... met another person online and lets just say she lived in SC - anything related to SC is just bad news for me all the way around.)

SC=South Carolina

 

[ladyforsaken]

And in 2011 ... met another person online and lets just say she lived in SC - anything related to SC is just bad news for me all the way around.)

SC=South Carolina

Omg this is creepily similar... met him not in 2011, just visited him then.. very bad news..

 

[Cavey]

@bones

I'm eerily similar except that I haven't even attempted another relationship since the breakdown of my marriage. I know we'll never be together again, but there's just something inside me that refuses to let me take that step. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life alone, so I guess I'm going to have to at some point.

I can relate when you say that you don't think you could even be the person you used to be any more. I've changed so much (although a lot of it is for the better) and I barely even remember who I was prior to my marriage. I won't give up though - not yet at any rate.

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

I can't imagine spending the rest of my life alone, so I guess I'm going to have to at some point.

As odd as it seems, I can imagine spending the rest of my life alone because I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else but my ex. Too many years of planning and talking about growing old together has left me not really wanting to taint it by letting someone else in.

 

[Bones]

@ ladyforsaken

LOL - even my business trips to SC goes bad - the last time my flights kept getting bumped from around noon until eight at night - they said the plane had mechanical failure and i would have to stay overnight - so, I drove home instead in a huge storm that forced me to stop at a hotel - there was a quick break in the storm and decided to check out around midnight and drove all the way home - got home around five in the morning - also during the time there, they decided they liked my algorithms so much that they made me do a presentation on the spot to subject matter experts all across the US - ****! As for NC, it has always been good to me - my first professional business trip was to NC - my first driving trip away from home was to NC after my senior year in high school (beach trip) - I use to go NC to watch wrestling since it was always on tv - and, the Bass Pro Shop is located near Charlotte which is an important aspect of NC - lol.

@ user 130057

I understand where you are coming from - while this would not be a great method for everyone, here is what I do to get over someone - meditate - think of all the good & bad times - imagine each thought as energy representative by a color coded string - and i cut; each and every one, one at a time in my head.

 

[ladyforsaken]

^ Hehe.. don't wanna be offensive.. but sometimes certain places just give you bad experiences. :\

 

[*Sammy*]

user 130057 you seem like a nice guy from what i have seen on the forums, i wish i had a bucket load of advise for you because i hate to see good people feeling down about themselves. Unfortunately i'm no better to give advise at the moment. My marriage is breaking down and looking like its heading for the divorce line. I share your same fears of meeting new people and moving on with life letting someone in to trust only to be left open to hurt again.

I guess the only thing you can do is gather up the courage to take the plunge. Sometimes you just have to jump into the deep end and swim like your life depends on it.

I'm sorry i don't have more advise i just want to wish you the best of luck in over coming this and hopefully moving onto a healthy happy relationship in time.

 

[Cavey]

user 130057 you seem like a nice guy from what i have seen on the forums, i wish i had a bucket load of advise for you because i hate to see good people feeling down about themselves. Unfortunately i'm no better to give advise at the moment. My marriage is breaking down and looking like its heading for the divorce line. I share your same fears of meeting new people and moving on with life letting someone in to trust only to be left open to hurt again.

I guess the only thing you can do is gather up the courage to take the plunge. Sometimes you just have to jump into the deep end and swim like your life depends on it.

I'm sorry i don't have more advise i just want to wish you the best of luck in over coming this and hopefully moving onto a healthy happy relationship in time.

Hey Sammy. Thanks for responding... and with nice comments too! You also seem like a lovely person, so I hope things work out for you too.

I think my marriage breakdown causes me so many problems because of the way it broke down rather than the breakdown itself.

I thought that we were OK; perhaps not the happiest couple in the world, but not on the verge of a breakup. One day my wife came home from work and said that things were not working out and that she needed to go home for a while. She said that she still loved me, that we'd talk all the time and that we'd work on our problems, so that we could get back together. She convinced me that it was for the best and that in a few months we'd be together again and stronger than we were before.

I actually helped her to pack her things and arrange her flight (She came from upstate NY originally), because I thought we were doing something positive, but of course, once she actually left, things were not as she had said.

We only talked on the phone twice in the month after she'd gone and then I never heard her voice again. She did send me a couple of emails, but they were mostly to tell me how terrible it had been living with me - although she did say that she thought that I was a nice guy, but that she could not cope with my depression or OCD and how angry they made me.

I never got the chance to say goodbye or to let go. I just got stuck in limbo; unable to talk to her, but unable to move on with my life.

Then that was that for six years. I had no idea where she was or what she was doing until April this year when I FINALLY received divorce papers. When the papers arrived, something clicked in my head and I sort of 'woke up'. I realised that I'd pissed six years of my life down the toilet.

Reading this back makes it seem like she was a terrible person. She wasn't. The way she left me may have been extremely cold and hurtful, but I treated her like garbage. I was emotionally abusive, dismissive of her problems and always wrapped up in myself - I deserved to be annihilated. At least it made me more self-aware and I'm a far better man because of it.

I sent her a long letter apologising for all the things I did and letting her know that although our relationship is over, I will always cherish the time we spent together. I have no idea if it arrived, because the USPS is completely useless, but the very act of writing the letter gave me some sort of closure and has allowed me to start to move on.

Right after I sent it, I 'found' this forum. I don't really integrate much, but it gives me the strength to take little steps each day in order to have a brighter future...