ThatOneDude said:
Everyone lies. Maybe I'm too trusting. Maybe it's too much to ask to get someone to be nice to you and understanding and not periodically treat you like honeysuckle, but if this site has taught me anything it's some people are just meant to be alone. I'm not going to elaborate, I just need a place to vent.
Yes, I know what you mean. I had people I trusted with my life, my emotions, everything I had. And after being betrayed by them all (close family aside, but I was physically nowhere near them at the time), I have realised the painful truth, that yes, I am going to be alone. I don't always accept the truth however, and that leads me back into trying to find real friends, although my mental barriers now prevent me from getting close to anyone, it's a circle. I will admit that I want either a best friend (I have people now that if I let myself I would consider
my best friend, but no way would I be theres), or, and even less likely, a loving and understanding girlfriend (the last girl I was with may as well have literally ripped my heart out and honeysuckle on it, rather than metaphorically).
As for the lying, well if everyone does it, that means I must do it. And I do. Mostly it's exagerated stories to make me seem somehow "cooler" or whatever, either mine or some of my old "friends", or it's complete bullshit. I pretty much lie to everyone everyday about how I'm feeling too, "good", yeah right. I intensely dislike myself for these lies, but I'm not that interesting, and no one likes hearing about how down someone is, someones signature here goes like "the irony is, being alone and miserable are the very things which cause people to avoid you in the first place". Well, it's true, last few groups I've been in before now ditched me when I told them that no, in fact I'm having a honeysuckle day, month, year, decade. This time around, I put the plastic smile on everytime I leave my room, and lo and behold, it's a far better situation. No one thinks I don't really like myself, got low self esteem etc, and even if I rarely get a phone call, at least it's a slight improvement on four years ago.
So I'm stuck in the middle now, actually quite lonely, but no one knows. I wish either that I could totally accept my lonliness, or open up to people and have them open to me. This halfway honeysuckle is hard to manage (I guess I do want a few close people after all?) and I don't know how long it can last, but it's slightly better than being totally empty.
end rant/drivvel
