i don't know what's wrong with me.

[lights]

hi, i'm sophie.
i'm kind of your average high schooler.
i have 500+ friends on Facebook, i wear stylish clothes, i know where all the concerts and parties are happening.
and you will see me in rooms of 500+ friends, wearing stylish clothes, where all the concerts and parties are happening.
a star volleyball player with a 4.6 GPA, the senior yearbook editor, a long term boyfriend.
from the outside, it'd appear that i have it all.

so why do i feel so completely empty and alone all the time? why do i find myself bailing out from healthy, normal friendships and activities nowadays because i'm too depressed or upset to leave the house?

maybe you could say that i have self-esteem issues. i'm always nagging myself about my weight. some people will tell me that i have no reason to lose any weight and that i look fine. other people think i have an eating disorder because i'm always crash dieting.

do i personally think i have an eating disorder? no. i feel like my mind comes up with all these problems for me to have as an excuse to not focus on the emptiness i feel inside and deal with that problem.

at the bottom of the well, i want to get help. i really do. but we cannot afford it. and i don't want to stress my parents out, who already have a financial crisis going on. as the eldest in the family, i always feel like it's my responsibility to do well in school, look happy and presentable, and just the golden girl because the younger ones look up to me.

but i've been finding it impossible to do. i feel depressed, but i don't feel like i deserve to be depressed. because i always tell myself people have it worse than i do. that i can't harm myself because people depend on me for everything, including my mother who has been suicidal in the past. it's a high stress environment.

i want help. but i can't get it. and i don't know what to do. :/

 

[lkm370]

Question?

Are you friendly, outgoing, and an overachiever because you WANT people to like you or because you are genuenly that way?

The truth is alot of overachievers, and outgoing people are in reality quite empty because they overachieve and make a lot of friends because they have low self worth or self esteem and they use over achievement and being really popular to fill that void or to take their mind off past issues.

"i always feel like it's my responsibility to do well in school, look happy and presentable, and just the golden girl because the younger ones look up to me.
"

I think this is your problem, you overacheive and try to me that popular kid not because you want to but because you feel like you have to, your going against your own needs and wishes. If you have a library or even a little money, i would highly recommend this book:

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self [Hardcover]
Alice Miller

http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279425781&sr=1-1

It will explain to you in depth and offer solutions as to why you are the way you are and why you feel the way you do

 

[epic fale boy]

can you talk to your siblings?

you might think you have to be strong all the time for them, but they might actually appreciate being taken into your confidence, feel needed themselves by your talking to them, be stronger than you were expecting, and maybe they're intimidated by you being so strong so it'll help them feel closer to you ...

...you sound like a really together person, even with the issues you have - you're looking at how to deal with them in a safe way. Your family are a support network that will not only be happy to help, they might NEED to help in some way.

good luck...

 

[shells]

Wow. This sounds similar to my first post here at ALL.

I'm not going to be the first or last to tell you that you are human. Humans just aren't perfect, and that is O.K. Imperfections are beautiful, and they are what gives us our morality and humility. If you fight that simple fact of life, you won't win. Accept it before you drive yourself crazy trying to strive for something that can't be achieved.

Coming from someone who has suffered with an eating disorder for seven years -- it's just not worth it. I've gotten bald spots from hair loss, not giving my body the nutrition it needs and wants to function. I have straight teeth, but they are ruined and rotting due to acid erosion from purging. You're a smart girl, and so I don't have to tell you how expensive dental work is.

Honestly? I could go on and on. Constipation, emotional/mental implications, acid reflux, anemia, organ failure, and all of the other lovely stuff that comes hand-in-hand with eating disorders.

I turned to my eating disorder because I wanted to feel like I had control over something in my life. Now it controls me - even though my eating disorder isn't as prevalent as it used to be. I've done permanent damage to my body. I can't eat certain foods because they just won't digest. There was a point my body adapted to not eating solids, and all I could eat was jello or yogurt - otherwise my body would involuntarily reject it.

Despite all of the health implications, the worst is suffering through the emotional and mental aspects.

Ask yourself this: If your younger siblings were suffering like you are, you would want them to seek out help, right? I am sure you wouldn't want them to do to themselves what you are doing to yourself. You are expecting too much of yourself.

Don't be afraid to seek out help, even if that means talking to a mentor, school counselor, coach, or going to a support group.

 

[lights]

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self [Hardcover]
Alice Miller

http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child...781&sr=1-1

It will explain to you in depth and offer solutions as to why you are the way you are and why you feel the way you do



I actually got this book today and I really relate to everything in here.
So thank you.
-----------------------
can you talk to your siblings?

you might think you have to be strong all the time for them, but they might actually appreciate being taken into your confidence, feel needed themselves by your talking to them, be stronger than you were expecting, and maybe they're intimidated by you being so strong so it'll help them feel closer to you ...


I don't know. They're 13, 10, and 9. I'm pretty sure they couldn't give a flying fox about me and what I do because we're all very independent and operate within ourselves. I think the only reason I feel that anyone looks up to me at all is because my parents have beaten that over and over into my head in my childhood. But thanks anyway for the advice/support. I guess I'll find a way to approach them.
--------------------------------

I turned to my eating disorder because I wanted to feel like I had control over something in my life. Now it controls me - even though my eating disorder isn't as prevalent as it used to be. I've done permanent damage to my body. I can't eat certain foods because they just won't digest. There was a point my body adapted to not eating solids, and all I could eat was jello or yogurt - otherwise my body would involuntarily reject it.

It was about control for me, too. I have so many things going on, the one thing I can control is how I look and what I eat.
I started water fasting two years ago as a way to lose weight quickly before dance competitions and pageants. I ended up surviving on water alone for 20 days at a time. And it was okay at first, since your body needs 2000 calories to survive a day, and a pound of fat is 1350 calories. Eventually I ran out of sufficient body fat and I had to be hospitalized. When they tried to introduce even just orange juice to me, I had a near-diabetic reaction from the sugar shock. Even at the time when I was suffering and should have been worried about my health, all I felt was guilt because I was causing financial and emotional distress to my parents and my siblings.
I honestly don't know where this insane amount of guilt and loyalty has stemmed from. In a way, I feel like I have to take care of everything because I know sometimes my parents can't. I almost don't want to go away to college this year because I fear for my siblings' welfare.
------------------------
Don't be afraid to seek out help, even if that means talking to a mentor, school counselor, coach, or going to a support group.

I really don't want to seek out school counseling because I'm just paranoid of administrators gossiping about me. It's not something the class president should admit to dealing with. But I haven't considered a local support group, so I think I'll do that. Thank you.

 

[ThinkPositive]

i feel depressed, but i don't feel like i deserve to be depressed. because i always tell myself people have it worse than i do. that i can't harm myself because people depend on me for everything, including my mother who has been suicidal in the past. it's a high stress environment.

I felt exactly the same way when I was your age. And you know what? Dwelling on feeling like I "don't deserve to be depressed" just made things worse. If you feel like you're going into depression, trying to tell yourself you "shouldn't" be isn't going to help...it's just going to make you feel more guilty, and hence even more depressed. It's good that you have motivation to not harm yourself at least, but you need to acknowledge your emotions and own them, so that you can look at it and try to figure out what you might be able to do about it.

And even though it wasn't full-blown like shells, I also had eating issues... Just remember, too much dieting is going to affect your athletic performance, too! Since you're already exercising, just focus on eating healthy rather than "dieting."

I also sympathize with you about wanting to get professional help but not being able to because of confidentiality issues of being a high schooler and still living at home... Maybe this isn't the best advice, but I toughed it out until college and took advantage of the counseling center once I was there. It was free for students and I didn't have to tell my parents about it.

 

[lights]

I also sympathize with you about wanting to get professional help but not being able to because of confidentiality issues of being a high schooler and still living at home... Maybe this isn't the best advice, but I toughed it out until college and took advantage of the counseling center once I was there. It was free for students and I didn't have to tell my parents about it.

Yeah, therapy at the age I'm at right now is stupid because whatever I say to the therapist goes back to my parents anyway, so why should we pay $500 for a middleman?

Someone suggested a local support group and I think that's my best bet, so long as no one sees me. I try so hard to make this thick veneer of perfection.

I think things wouldn't be this hard if I had someone to vent at, but most of my friends are still stuck in MTV mode and cannot rationalize feelings like this. Like if I was to tell them everything I just said to a group of strangers on this forum, I'd either get weird looks and called "emo" or "suicidal" or I'd have a bunch of people telling me "I know just how you feel" and not offering any kind of good advice at all. I have no one I can talk to that I know for sure won't say anything to anyone, which is why i Have to resort to this.

 

[Treehere]

From what I've gathered from this topic, it sounds like you're not currently happy with the friends you have.

This could be me just guessing incredibly wrong but ask yourself, the friends you have, do you relate to them or is it more they're there because they've always been there?

If you have no friends that can help you with this problem you have or be willing to listen properly, it usually isn't a good sign :/

 

[lights]

From what I've gathered from this topic, it sounds like you're not currently happy with the friends you have.

This could be me just guessing incredibly wrong but ask yourself, the friends you have, do you relate to them or is it more they're there because they've always been there?

If you have no friends that can help you with this problem you have or be willing to listen properly, it usually isn't a good sign :/

Nope, it's true. I don't really like any of my friends. It's not that I hate them. I understand that it's not their fault that they don't understand me. I'm one way, and they're all a different way. They are delighted with sex, alcohol, malls, and the general escapades of teenager-ness. That's not me. I guess I'm mildly agoraphobic and I'd rather stay at home than have to be fake happy.
My friends are my friends simply because it's almost expected that we hang out. And I haven't objected because it's easier for me to just follow along and appear normal. It's not really healthy, but I feel if I open up to them, they'd judge me.

---

Which is why I'm here, to make friends who are unbiased.

 

[Treehere]

From what I've gathered from this topic, it sounds like you're not currently happy with the friends you have.

This could be me just guessing incredibly wrong but ask yourself, the friends you have, do you relate to them or is it more they're there because they've always been there?

If you have no friends that can help you with this problem you have or be willing to listen properly, it usually isn't a good sign :/

Nope, it's true. I don't really like any of my friends. It's not that I hate them. I understand that it's not their fault that they don't understand me. I'm one way, and they're all a different way. They are delighted with sex, alcohol, malls, and the general escapades of teenager-ness. That's not me. I guess I'm mildly agoraphobic and I'd rather stay at home than have to be fake happy.
My friends are my friends simply because it's almost expected that we hang out. And I haven't objected because it's easier for me to just follow along and appear normal. It's not really healthy, but I feel if I open up to them, they'd judge me.

---

Which is why I'm here, to make friends who are unbiased.

---

- Which is incredibly unhealthy.

I'll be honest, these friends don't sound like nice people nor do they sound mature. And it sounds like you're hanging onto them still, allowing them to judge you and caring about it too. And I doubt you're agoraphobic, you just sound more mature then them and disinterested about who slept with who.

But it sounds like you sound trapped in your current situation : ( Which can happen. But you need to build confidence, and break from it. Find friends, even starting here, who can understand your situation, and have a shoulder for you to cry on : )

 

[lights]

- Which is incredibly unhealthy.

I'll be honest, these friends don't sound like nice people nor do they sound mature. And it sounds like you're hanging onto them still, allowing them to judge you and caring about it too. And I doubt you're agoraphobic, you just sound more mature then them and disinterested about who slept with who.

But it sounds like you sound trapped in your current situation : ( Which can happen. But you need to build confidence, and break from it. Find friends, even starting here, who can understand your situation, and have a shoulder for you to cry on : )

i guess things will be better when i get into college and i find people who don't really know me, so they don't have any high expectations from me. and yeah, i'm starting to see people on here are much nicer and open than the people i'm around in real life. which is kind of sad.

 

[Treehere]

- Which is incredibly unhealthy.

I'll be honest, these friends don't sound like nice people nor do they sound mature. And it sounds like you're hanging onto them still, allowing them to judge you and caring about it too. And I doubt you're agoraphobic, you just sound more mature then them and disinterested about who slept with who.

But it sounds like you sound trapped in your current situation : ( Which can happen. But you need to build confidence, and break from it. Find friends, even starting here, who can understand your situation, and have a shoulder for you to cry on : )

i guess things will be better when i get into college and i find people who don't really know me, so they don't have any high expectations from me. and yeah, i'm starting to see people on here are much nicer and open than the people i'm around in real life. which is kind of sad.

Oh highschool is just silly, everybody in cliques, people not talking to others because of the clothes they wear etc.

Things bloomed for me in college. You meet actually interesting people. XD

 

[lights]

Oh highschool is just silly, everybody in cliques, people not talking to others because of the clothes they wear etc.

Things bloomed for me in college. You meet actually interesting people. XD

Mehh. I got a couple of scholarships offered but I'm not sure what school I want to attend. Not even sure exactly what I want to do lol.

 

[Treehere]

Oh highschool is just silly, everybody in cliques, people not talking to others because of the clothes they wear etc.

Things bloomed for me in college. You meet actually interesting people. XD

Mehh. I got a couple of scholarships offered but I'm not sure what school I want to attend. Not even sure exactly what I want to do lol.

It's funny where you end up lol. I was meant to be doing animation, but instead, ended up in UCD doing History. Wherever you go it's going to be fun I find though, unless you end up in a very stressful course.

 

[lights]

I like interior design. I'm really good at it. But it's not recession proof.

 

[shells]

It was about control for me, too. I have so many things going on, the one thing I can control is how I look and what I eat.
I started water fasting two years ago as a way to lose weight quickly before dance competitions and pageants. I ended up surviving on water alone for 20 days at a time. And it was okay at first, since your body needs 2000 calories to survive a day, and a pound of fat is 1350 calories. Eventually I ran out of sufficient body fat and I had to be hospitalized. When they tried to introduce even just orange juice to me, I had a near-diabetic reaction from the sugar shock. Even at the time when I was suffering and should have been worried about my health, all I felt was guilt because I was causing financial and emotional distress to my parents and my siblings.
I honestly don't know where this insane amount of guilt and loyalty has stemmed from. In a way, I feel like I have to take care of everything because I know sometimes my parents can't. I almost don't want to go away to college this year because I fear for my siblings' welfare.
------------------------

I really don't want to seek out school counseling because I'm just paranoid of administrators gossiping about me. It's not something the class president should admit to dealing with. But I haven't considered a local support group, so I think I'll do that. Thank you.

It sounds like you have been struggling with this for a long time.

Even if you go away to college, you can still write your family letters and call them often. College really has been a much better experience for me than middle school or high school. Plus, most colleges offer free counseling services as long as you are enrolled to attend. I went to my school counselor and we just talked about things. Once you're 18, everything is private. As long as you don't plan to harm yourself or someone else, then everything you say is said in confidence.

I'm glad you're considering a local support group. I found one of my pamphlets from counseling, and it has some websites and contact numbers that I thought you might be interested in. You don't have to use them, but some of them offer good articles and references.

The Center for Change web site includes over four hundred articles on understanding and treating eating disorders. The site will also give information regarding comprehensive treatment programs for anorexia and bulimia.

Gurze Books produces a catalog containing the most recent books on eating disorders

The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) provides valuable information on eating disorders. They can also provide names for referral to professionals who treat eating disordres in every state.

International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals provides names of certified eating disorder professionals in various states and provides helpful eating disorders information.

 

[lights]

It sounds like you have been struggling with this for a long time.

Even if you go away to college, you can still write your family letters and call them often. College really has been a much better experience for me than middle school or high school. Plus, most colleges offer free counseling services as long as you are enrolled to attend. I went to my school counselor and we just talked about things. Once you're 18, everything is private. As long as you don't plan to harm yourself or someone else, then everything you say is said in confidence.

I'm glad you're considering a local support group. I found one of my pamphlets from counseling, and it has some websites and contact numbers that I thought you might be interested in. You don't have to use them, but some of them offer good articles and references.

The Center for Change web site includes over four hundred articles on understanding and treating eating disorders. The site will also give information regarding comprehensive treatment programs for anorexia and bulimia.

Gurze Books produces a catalog containing the most recent books on eating disorders

The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) provides valuable information on eating disorders. They can also provide names for referral to professionals who treat eating disordres in every state.

International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals provides names of certified eating disorder professionals in various states and provides helpful eating disorders information.

Thank you so much for the links and for taking the time out to post them to me, they really mean a lot.

 

[Sterling]

I guess I should have read the other people's posts, but I just read the first one lol.

Maybe you feel empty inside because you're trying to look presentable and all that for your family, friends, etc, and not doing what you want. So basically, live fro yourself, and not others. Do stuff you like doing, dress in clothes you like, etc...screw it if others disapprove. Heck, if you feel like dying your hair purple, go for it if it makes you happy.

 

[futurecatlady]

lights, I agree with what everyone said about college being so much better. As long as you find the right people to be with, there is much less pressure than high school. I was also a "high-achiever" (at least academically; I can't do sports for honeysuckle) and while there are a lot of people in college overly stressing about their performance, it is all self-inflicted. Find a college with a more open, laid back atmosphere and you will find that external pressures are not nearly as significant. You just need to make sure not to beat yourself up or allow yourself to get too caught up and stressed out.

College counselors actually (gasp) know what they're doing, unlike high school counselors. And since you effectively become an independent adult, you learn to think of yourself as a separate entity from your family and others, no longer depending on them for your well-being and--more importantly in your case--no longer being depended on.

Best of luck, and *HUGS*. You have found a great community of people here.

 

[ThinkPositive]

I DO want to point out one caveat about college, in my experience! While it's true that many, many things are better in college (like the counseling opportunity I mentioned, and more interesting classes with like-minded people), I later realized that in my last couple years of high school, I had pinned all my hopes and dreams on college that -- shock! -- I was depressed that college did not magically solve all my problems. In fact, some things were worse, like the abundance of dorm food and my ability to binge secretly, which made me gain weight unnaturally fast. (Don't worry, I later went back to being healthy.)

College was definitely great, I learned a lot about myself and the world, had a lot of fun, etc....but I just wanted to caution you (and any other high schoolers out there) to not make the mistake I did with unrealistic expectations!

But maybe you're smarter than I was.