I don't think I am mentally strong enough to keep going

[Mike510]

So I asked my girlfriend of two years to marry me a couple months ago. She said yes and I was the happiest I ever been. 3 weeks ago she said she feels stressed out from work and that we should end the relationship because she doesnt have time for a social life. I try calling, messaging and texting her she never answers. I see her on facebook and she posts pictures of herself going out with her friends to a bar. I ask her about it still no response. Its been over 3 weeks and I don't hear anything from her, I mean how can someone just disconnect there feelings just like that from someone. Her own dad did that to her when she was little and still doesn't speak to her and she knows that hurts. I can't do anything in my life anymore without thinking about it constantly. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I feel sick, and when I do try to do something else I will be will in the middle of doing something and I will feel so sad or angry I have to stop. The last couple days I been thinking about doing bad things to myself because I want her to talk to me but she wont. I mean how do you go from about to marry someone to just ignoring them out of the blue like that. I don't think I can keep going, this really gets to me more than anything ever has before. I just think I am not going to be around real soon.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Mike, I'm so sorry.

How were things before you proposed to her? Maybe you weren't aware of her fading feelings for you? Did she ever mention anything with you?

Her going out with friends to a bar that you see pictures of may just be her way of destressing from work. She may feel it's a bit overwhelming, work, and then having to work for a relationship and perhaps the idea of getting married brings more pressure and stress? I don't know, honestly, I don't understand how anyone can just coldly change their mind like that. So I'm pretty sure she has her reasons. If you sent her a message asking for an explanation, would she not reply?

 

[Moe'sTavern]

I would say forget about her. Nobody that inconsiderate should be worth thinking about to much imo. Also with you contemplates "doing bad things to yourself", I hope you find another outlet to vent your feelings...perhaps talk to someone about this. Tbh, I never understood how some people put so much of their own self-worth in another person. That just gives people a sort of power of you that they don't deserve. That whole "doesn't have time for a social life" explanation was probably just a lie cause she didn't have the guts to be honest with you. I truly hope you can find a way to get through this and find someone with true consideration and compassion.

 

[Case]

Mike, I don't believe anyone of us could experience this without extreme difficulty. This is an awful position to be placed in and I empathize.

I understand that you are in a very vulnerable state right now. But as much as this hurts, THIS time, right now, should be spent on YOU. You need to survive this, and you can. You just need to know that you are not alone, and that you have people who are there to help you achieve wellness.

The questions will be answered in time, but for now, try and improve your own psyche. I invite you to read through Kübler-Ross' Five Stages of Grief. While it's origins are about dealing with death, it's very effective in understanding how we deal with any kind of loss.

I feel for you and I wish I had more comforting words.

 

[Revengineer]

She is (was?) engaged to you, normal people simply don't DO something like that without a lengthy, serious discussion with their partner. The fact that she just cut you off as if you no longer existed is incredibly cold and bizarre. I agree with the previous post that there has to be something more than "stress" going on. Do you have any mutual friends you can talk to about this? I can imagine not knowing the specifics of what happened is the most agonizing aspect. You need to get more information to make sense of her behavior, so you can start putting this ordeal behind you.

Hang in there, we're here to support you.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I invite you to read through Kübler-Ross' Five Stages of Grief. While it's origins are about dealing with death, it's very effective in understanding how we deal with any kind of loss.

I read that when I was in the anger stage after I lost my dad. It was helpful in understanding, knowing that a lot of people go through something similar and that the anger.. and bitterness will eventually pass... and so it did, over time.

 

[Mike510]

Mike, I'm so sorry.

How were things before you proposed to her? Maybe you weren't aware of her fading feelings for you? Did she ever mention anything with you?

Her going out with friends to a bar that you see pictures of may just be her way of destressing from work. She may feel it's a bit overwhelming, work, and then having to work for a relationship and perhaps the idea of getting married brings more pressure and stress? I don't know, honestly, I don't understand how anyone can just coldly change their mind like that. So I'm pretty sure she has her reasons. If you sent her a message asking for an explanation, would she not reply?

They seemed like normal. We both would stay up talking a lot and we discussed how we were going to get are own place, she told me she couldn't wait till we could be together in person more. I have reached out since and sent her two emails, a short facebook message and a short message on another site we both used that was simular to facebook. She didn't respond to any of the messages, but she did go on the third site today and she only has me as a friend on that site so she must of seen what I wrote, but she was also on there this past weekend and never responded.

---

I would say forget about her. Nobody that inconsiderate should be worth thinking about to much imo. Also with you contemplates "doing bad things to yourself", I hope you find another outlet to vent your feelings...perhaps talk to someone about this. Tbh, I never understood how some people put some much of their own self-worth in another person. That's just people a sort of power of you that they don't deserve. That whole "doesn't have time for a social life" explanation was probably just a lie cause she didn't have the guts to be honest with you. I truly hope you can find a way to get through this and find someone with true consideration and compassion.

I can't help thinking about her. For the past 21 months she told me how much she loved me and couldn't wait till we could be together all the time. I was ready to spend my life with her and she agreed to spend it with me and now I don't have that and I want to know why but she doesn't tell me.

---

Mike, I don't believe anyone of us could experience this without extreme difficulty. This is an awful position to be placed in and I empathize.

I understand that you are in a very vulnerable state right now. But as much as this hurts, THIS time, right now, should be spent on YOU. You need to survive this, and you can. You just need to know that you are not alone, and that you have people who are there to help you achieve wellness.

The questions will be answered in time, but for now, try and improve your own psyche. I invite you to read through Kübler-Ross' Five Stages of Grief. While it's origins are about dealing with death, it's very effective in understanding how we deal with any kind of loss.

I feel for you and I wish I had more comforting words.

I don't understand how she could be that cold to me like this. I have kind of just gone into a recluse state the last few days because it seemed like everything I did I would get to upset in the middle of. You honestly think she will answer them? I need to look that up.

---

She is (was?) engaged to you, normal people simply don't DO something like that without a lengthy, serious discussion with their partner. The fact that she just cut you off as if you no longer existed is incredibly cold and bizarre. I agree with the previous post that there has to be something more than "stress" going on. Do you have any mutual friends you can talk to about this? I can imagine not knowing the specifics of what happened is the most agonizing aspect. You need to get more information to make sense of her behavior, so you can start putting this ordeal behind you.

Hang in there, we're here to support you.

I know I want to know why. Only mutal friend I have would be her sister but I don't know if she would say anything to me about her. I wish I could, I would do anything for her but it hurts me really bad just thinking about it. I get the feeling I may never see her again and I feel like she just died because it was so abrupt.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Sounds like you are going to have to just put her out of your life, as hard as it will be. Better she did this now than after you got married.

 

[Tiina63]

Hello Mike, I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time. It's so awful what has happened to you.
I don 't want to make excuses for this girl's behaviour towards you and I could be completely wrong here, but it could be that she is afraid of really being close to someone and to commiting to someone. She may think she wants commitment and marriage, but is terrified of it at the same time, and although she at first accepted your proposal she was scared when the reality of love and commitment hit her. Has she had an abusive relationship in the past which might have made her very afraid of being close to anyone?

 

[ladyforsaken]

Sounds like you are going to have to just put her out of your life, as hard as it will be. Better she did this now than after you got married.

After reading further, I'd say I gotta agree with Sci-Fi here. Sighs.. :\

 

[Edward W]

Sounds like you are going to have to just put her out of your life, as hard as it will be. Better she did this now than after you got married.

After reading further, I'd say I gotta agree with Sci-Fi here. Sighs.. :\

Yeah, I wonder if what happened with her father is a factor, she fears you might do that one day too, so is pulling away first? Only she knows.

 

[Hisilarn]

It's natural to feel empty and dead after a serious relationship. A few words probably won't make you feel better, but I have been through this quite a few times (I'm not too young anymore). Time always helped. Also meditation, it just turns off your brain and makes you calm, if you do it right.

 

[Mike510]

Hello Mike, I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time. It's so awful what has happened to you.
I don 't want to make excuses for this girl's behaviour towards you and I could be completely wrong here, but it could be that she is afraid of really being close to someone and to commiting to someone. She may think she wants commitment and marriage, but is terrified of it at the same time, and although she at first accepted your proposal she was scared when the reality of love and commitment hit her. Has she had an abusive relationship in the past which might have made her very afraid of being close to anyone?

That's kind of the thing she has never been in a relationship before. But her father did this to her when she was little and still doesn't talk to her. I thought she would of learned from the pain it caused her not to do that.

 

[TyCobbLegend]

Mike, I know someone personally who did this exact same thing to someone else. She was actually a good friend of mine. Needless to say after she just up and left her fiance for no apparent reason, I lost A LOT of respect for her and felt very sorry for her fiance. Looking back on it now, all it would have lead to was a nasty divorce. Both of them would have been miserable.

Trust me Mike, if she is going to have commitment problems, then that is HER PROBLEM. Not yours. You can still find someone. The fiance of my friend did, and he seems much happier than had he been if his relationship with my friend dragged on.

 

[Mike510]

I thought I was over this but the pain just keeps coming back I cant deal with it

 

[Sci-Fi]

You know what it's going to be there is no denying that. You won't just get over it in a months time after being with her for these past few years. I hate to say this cause I don't want you to feel worse but it might take a year for you to move on from the hurt. You just have to keep moving on with your life and get through each day. Eventually you will get over it and find someone new, just don't let this experience turn you off from being in a relationship again or trusting someone you care about. Hang in there.

 

[ardour]

Agree with Revengineer, because it's very cold and strange behaviour. To the point where, Mike your (former) Fiancee sounds like she might suffering with some psychological problems, possibly related to the issues you mention, or even a diagnosable mental illness; it's hard to imagine how a normal person could treat someone they were engaged to this way. Was she ever seriously depressed while you were together?

What anyone would expect in this situation is for them to give you an honest explanation for calling it off, in person. That is what she owes you, one human being to another. I wouldn't confront her or anything like that, be satisfied at the very least that you are in the 'right' here with how you're feeling.

 

[QuietForte]

Hello, Mike - I know I got to this thread a little late, (I just joined today), but I can't help but to share my own story. It's not on the same magnitude as yours, but maybe it can kind of help. The bottom line is you aren't alone.

I used to be very much into musical theatre - not so much any more. During one of the first productions I took part in, I befriended a girl who was quite literally directly out of my dreams. She was everything I ever wanted. She shared the same interests I do, we could talk and laugh with each other without the slightest hint of tension, everything was almost completely perfect. I started to get feelings for her, and after about a year I confessed them to her, and she reciprocated. We were finally going to be together!

Then one night, a got a one page text message, basically saying never mind. I never saw her again.

I don't know why people do these things - as many have said here, it is my belief that they may have underlying psychological problems, though I'm certainly not one to diagnose such a thing. However, I've come to believe that if someone would drop you like that without an explanation, they didn't truly feel as much for you as you thought they did, however painful that pill may be to swallow.

But you seem like a nice person, Mike. Someone will find you, and someone will scoop you up, and make you feel like the most loved person in the world - I can guarantee you that. From what little I know of the situation, you're too good for her. Hard as it is right now, I'd just recommend you keep your chin up and press on. You'll find the one.

 

[Mike510]

Agree with Revengineer, because it's very cold and strange behaviour. To the point where, Mike your (former) Fiancee sounds like she might suffering with some psychological problems, possibly related to the issues you mention, or even a diagnosable mental illness; it's hard to imagine how a normal person could treat someone they were engaged to this way. Was she ever seriously depressed while you were together?

What anyone would expect in this situation is for them to give you an honest explanation for calling it off, in person. That is what she owes you, one human being to another. I wouldn't confront her or anything like that, be satisfied at the very least that you are in the 'right' here with how you're feeling.

She said she was depressed prior to meeting me but once we were together she felt better. I just don't understand how she could say that she loved me even when she broke up with me and then never try and make anytype of contact with me.

---

Hello, Mike - I know I got to this thread a little late, (I just joined today), but I can't help but to share my own story. It's not on the same magnitude as yours, but maybe it can kind of help. The bottom line is you aren't alone.

I used to be very much into musical theatre - not so much any more. During one of the first productions I took part in, I befriended a girl who was quite literally directly out of my dreams. She was everything I ever wanted. She shared the same interests I do, we could talk and laugh with each other without the slightest hint of tension, everything was almost completely perfect. I started to get feelings for her, and after about a year I confessed them to her, and she reciprocated. We were finally going to be together!

Then one night, a got a one page text message, basically saying never mind. I never saw her again.

I don't know why people do these things - as many have said here, it is my belief that they may have underlying psychological problems, though I'm certainly not one to diagnose such a thing. However, I've come to believe that if someone would drop you like that without an explanation, they didn't truly feel as much for you as you thought they did, however painful that pill may be to swallow.

But you seem like a nice person, Mike. Someone will find you, and someone will scoop you up, and make you feel like the most loved person in the world - I can guarantee you that. From what little I know of the situation, you're too good for her. Hard as it is right now, I'd just recommend you keep your chin up and press on. You'll find the one.

**** I just don't get how people can seperate there feelings so abruptly like that.

I never meet anyone I shared even 1/1000 of a percent as much in common as I did with her, it was perfect we would stay up everynight just talking and telling one another we want to spend are lives together. Then one **** out of no where its all over. I can't stop thinking about it even when I am out, it is getting to me so much my health is beggining to deteriorate and I just know any women I ever meet I will always end up comparing them to her. These days seem like they go by forever because I use to know at night we could always be together. Its getting to the point I have to either move away from here or I am going to hurt myself.

 

[Okiedokes]

I also find it very strange and cold that she would decide to end the relationship with only a brief description of why. I can understand maybe saying that you two should put a hold on the marriage but the only thing (and not sure if someone said it already), sometimes people have a hard time saying "no" to a proposal cause it's awkward. From my experience, it is probably...I say probably better that it ended now instead of after marriage because you didn't build a life together yet and no paperwork BS to deal with. Just remember that someone who really loves you wouldn't do this and that there are others who are just as much caring as she is and more.