lilE
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2015
- Messages
- 257
- Reaction score
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I feel I failed as a member of society and as a human being. I have been out of work for so long and now that I am not responding to therapy or medication, I don’t know when if ever I will be able to function. I am more symptomatic and unstable as I have ever been, it is quite scary. All of my symptoms get worse when I am out in the world and around people. I spend majority of my time in my room and house and don’t leave much. I never have anywhere to go or anyone to see. I am so far gone that I don’t know if I will ever be able to reintegrate myself back into society. I can only hope I can find the right treatment by keep on trying with medications and therapy.
I never had a social life either. Severe social anxiety and low self-esteem always made it very hard for me to be social. I have a lot of self-hatred. I’ve been isolated for the last ten years of my life. I don’t know how to make friends, how to talk to people, how to approach people, social cues…nothing. I was raised by my mother and older sister and my father was never around, nor did I ever have any male role models, father figures. I feel I missed out on male camaraderie, I was never one of the guys, do things with other men or spend time with them. I wish I could have had a male figure growing up to teach me things, anything, instead of having no direction and a very turbulent adolescence. I never been in a relationship with a woman before, don’t know what that is or what it’s like. So I feel I failed as a man as well, to say the least.
But more than anything I feel I failed at life in general. That at this point I am beyond help or hope, that things cannot change from here or get any better, but worse. I feel worthless, useless, insignificant, like I don’t matter and it doesn’t make any difference if I am here or not. Like it is survival of the fittest and since I failed at absolutely everything, that I should be weeded out of existence, just disappear, because I don’t matter and am just a waste, my life was a waste. There is no point anymore to keep on going.
I never had a social life either. Severe social anxiety and low self-esteem always made it very hard for me to be social. I have a lot of self-hatred. I’ve been isolated for the last ten years of my life. I don’t know how to make friends, how to talk to people, how to approach people, social cues…nothing. I was raised by my mother and older sister and my father was never around, nor did I ever have any male role models, father figures. I feel I missed out on male camaraderie, I was never one of the guys, do things with other men or spend time with them. I wish I could have had a male figure growing up to teach me things, anything, instead of having no direction and a very turbulent adolescence. I never been in a relationship with a woman before, don’t know what that is or what it’s like. So I feel I failed as a man as well, to say the least.
But more than anything I feel I failed at life in general. That at this point I am beyond help or hope, that things cannot change from here or get any better, but worse. I feel worthless, useless, insignificant, like I don’t matter and it doesn’t make any difference if I am here or not. Like it is survival of the fittest and since I failed at absolutely everything, that I should be weeded out of existence, just disappear, because I don’t matter and am just a waste, my life was a waste. There is no point anymore to keep on going.