I feel awkward

[innerfyre]

Hi all,
I wasnt too sure where to post this, but this is what has brought me to the boards and figured this was a fine place to post it.

So I have gone through life with very little friends, all through K to 12 I had only a friend here and there, and usually eventually realised that I didnt like them and/or lost contact with them. I have always been insecure and have always been extremely self concious. Every day all hours of the day I am thinking of what other people might be thinking of me.

I am now 19, in college and yes I do have room mates around me, but I feel like they are again empty relationships, I feel like I cant make connections with anyone, whether they be male or female. I dont know any other way to explain it, I mean sometimes I have no issues with interacting with people...but I just feel like its so pointless with interaction with people because I always see these interactions as meaningless and "empty".

I also feel so awkward in close situations, anytime someone makes a gesture by touching me I feel like its not right, it feels foreign and it scares the living hell out of me and I feel like this has prevented me from developing close relationships and have never been able to find a sense of security with people, I always feel on edge. In many social situations I have a hard time finding my

Yet here is the odd thing, I crave human interaction all the time, I cant say that I am the most "socially fluent" person in the world but I cant help but think "I love interacting with people" yet at the same time, I just feel so lonely and empty.

Dont know what else to say.

 

[Legato]

I know how you feel.

I went through a stage this year of being out with people quite a lot, so I had a bit of a social life. However, I always doubted myself, what they thought of me, whether I should be out with them etc.

My thoughts became true when they all decided to shut me out once I told them about my depression.

As horrible as being lonely is, I'd rather be alone than have people like that in my life.

 

[innerfyre]

Yea, although I know that the people I hang out with know that I dont give a honeysuckle about life and can be sad sometimes but they dont mind and so far have not pushed me away, which I do appreciate and feel it is a good sign that they very well may care about me.

I definitely hate that feeling that I get when I know there are people around me, yet I dont really have any true connection to them....it makes me really sad.

 

[Legato]

I think for the majority of people, we try too hard.

Rather than just enjoying the company of those around us, we look for me. It can be hard to a a real friend. Someone who's there for us no matter what, can talk about problems etc.

If people aren't like that, we can't judge them. Not everyone likes being close like that. It's still worth keeping them in your life. Some people actually do care more than you think, but arent the type to show it.

 

[innerfyre]

Yea, I almost feel I am that way too, I do care about people.... but can never form close relationships with others...I feel like I always end up pushing people away and then maybe I blame them for not being understanding and comforting?

Not really sure anymore, I just try to keep things on a level I can manage.

 

[Legato]

Have you ever let anybody in through your barriers though?

I know tons of people who class themselves as emotionless. They've been heartbroken etc, do the idea of love is out 'forever'.

It's always the case until you can actually sit down with someone and fully talk about what your going through, feelings etc.

 

[innerfyre]

I have let people in, but I just feel so awkward around people, especially girls around my age or ones that I find attractive that I just end up making an idiot of myself and thats why these days I try not to let people in, because I am afraid of myself and can never seem to over come that.

I think my loneliness and sadness also may come from being so lost, feeling like I have no purpose and my hate for things going on in the world these days and how I am so powerless to change it along with always feeling so awkward I always finding myself seeing nothing in this world decent living for.

 

[Ak5]

Are you anxious about rejection? Maybe that's why you crave relationships but you don't necessarily pursue them.

 

[innerfyre]

Not too sure, I think that may very well be the case. I think I dont want to be hurt, yet I want to find comfort in being around people yet always feel unwelcome.

 

[mana]

I feel the same as you. when I am alone I seek for people and feel sad but when I am around people I feel those butterflies in my stomach and again loneliness fill every cell in my body.

quite strange but I don't have this issue when I have casual sex or meet my fresia buddies :\

I think it might be the fear of getting hurt as been said already as well as mental disorder such as social anxiety.

 

[Falling-Slowly]

Hi all,
I wasnt too sure where to post this, but this is what has brought me to the boards and figured this was a fine place to post it.

So I have gone through life with very little friends, all through K to 12 I had only a friend here and there, and usually eventually realised that I didnt like them and/or lost contact with them. I have always been insecure and have always been extremely self concious. Every day all hours of the day I am thinking of what other people might be thinking of me.

I am now 19, in college and yes I do have room mates around me, but I feel like they are again empty relationships, I feel like I cant make connections with anyone, whether they be male or female. I dont know any other way to explain it, I mean sometimes I have no issues with interacting with people...but I just feel like its so pointless with interaction with people because I always see these interactions as meaningless and "empty".

I also feel so awkward in close situations, anytime someone makes a gesture by touching me I feel like its not right, it feels foreign and it scares the living hell out of me and I feel like this has prevented me from developing close relationships and have never been able to find a sense of security with people, I always feel on edge. In many social situations I have a hard time finding my

Yet here is the odd thing, I crave human interaction all the time, I cant say that I am the most "socially fluent" person in the world but I cant help but think "I love interacting with people" yet at the same time, I just feel so lonely and empty.

Dont know what else to say.

I'v gone through this my entire life also. All through school i'v had friends or better put aqcuantiances. I'v always gotten along with everyone and had only one close friend at a time. And like you over time we grew apart or lost being in touch with eachother. I right now do not have a close friend and it has me feeling very sad and empty inside also. I just want to find someone to talk to that understands and can be a listener and I want to be that for someone else.

 

[Dandelion Girl]

I used to feel that way. I hated getting hugged, but it was because I had super low self-esteem... I always felt bad if someone hugged me because I didn't love anyone. I just couldn't.

But here's the thing. All you have to do is just ease yourself. Love yourself first and just relax. Don't think too much about what other people might think or what you might think, even.

It's normal for you to crave interactions with other people because we are built that way. We're supposed to interact with others to feel loved and accepted into the community. Even though someone may have hurt you in the past, shrug it off. If that's hard, forgive them, because they probably have a lot of issues in their life and never learned how to love.

I learned how to love from Jesus. He was the type of guy who forgave anyone even though they did him wrong. I also learned how to make friends through him. Try going to a church full of people who are in their late teens to twenties. They sometimes go camping, canoeing, skiing... all sorts of stuff to build a strong community and love in Jesus. Go out to social events around your campus. There's plenty of fun stuff to do around in cities. For example, art galleries sometimes host these events where a guest speaker comes in... one time, there was an event where all wine and cheese were free and all we had to do was just go around and look at artworks and listen to some interesting stuff that an artist had to say. Go out and pose for a friend for his photography class. Go travel. Make friends in a school club. Social events are the easiest way to get to know and interact with some people.

In the end, you have to put yourself out there instead of waiting for someone to hold you and take you anywhere. Be in control. Be strong. It's going to be pretty hard at first. For me, it took years and years to make friends... God bless you!! You can do it!!

 

[innerfyre]

Thanks for the encouraging words Dadelion Girl! Actually today I took a huge step and joined a possible meetup group for local snowboarders/skiiers...so hopefully I will be able to maybe participate in that once I get all my equipment over here in BC. Figured it may help me in finding people with the same interests as me, I Just find it really hard initially to make contact, after the first time I know it gets easier.

 

[innerfyre]

I wasnt sure where to post this but here is fine .

So I have noticed recently that it has been very rare when I meet someone who puts "butterflies?" in my gut. And any time I find myself thinking of her or encounters with her, I kind of find my chest tighten up, and my body (how do I say this :/).... clamour?. I dont know what it is but there has only ever been about 3 girls EVER that have given me this effect and nothing as intense as the current reactions i feel now and I have met a few good lookin females over time. I dont know what it is, I have never had relationships with them, 1 of them I barely knew, and currently 1 of them I dont know very well.

I dont know whether I am just very attracted to their physical features or if there is something deeper there EVEN though I dont know much about her. I find it extremely confusing. Whenever I talk to this girl, I feel happier if not more excited...during boring classes my mind wanders and I catch myself thinking of even simple encounters with her. Its a feeling I never get (except for my 2 other previous experiences). Even when she comes to mind I cant help but smile, could this because she is just in general a positive person? Any time I talk to her she always seems to smile and is happy just in general?
Or is this just my mind possibly obsessing over this 1 person who I barely have a connection with but because I feel lonely and my mind wants to make a connection? I mean heck, I still find it hard to initiate conversation with her, I always freeze up when I see her but recently I have started to be able to make conversation with her. Although I have noticed, as time has gone on...she has started to say hi occasionally (passing by entering/exiting the dorm) as she never did at the beginning. I mean usually she does only initiate conversation if you start it...not sure whether thats shyness or whether she just has no interest in conversing?

In general she is a pretty how do I say? Dedicated person, it seems like all she ever does is study (I guess she has been through University already). She is extremely smart as well(100 fold compared to me). Could it possibly be because I am attracted to the type of person who seems strong and always upbeat and smart?

In the end I am pretty sure I dont have a chance with her, but one can always look for opportunities right?

When you are attracted to someone in general what kind of feelings do you get?

 

[innerfyre]

Guess this thread is kind of serving as my personal journal. Bit excited today because my roomie who I have been talking about actually started a Congo today was pretty excited. She seems extremely quiet and shy so it has been hard to try to talk to her....she doesn't initiate...usually just answers...andI doesn't say too much. But today I got her to talk as bit which was nice....I know we all crave human interaction and its always nice talking to her in the morning.

Anywho....needed to post it somewhere...get it off my mind so I can study today haha

Hope everyone is having a good day like I am