I feel like two different people

[HeatOfSpirit]

Ok, so this is my story.

I am a person that experiences so much social anxiety that I completely avoid social situations altogether. Whenever the "guys" go out to a bar/club/social meetup -- I get totally stressed out and freak out inside, feeling all sorts of feelings of stress, trying to grab a reason to not go out.
Because honestly, every time I go out, I feel very anxious and tense, and instead of letting go of stress by "having a good time", it kinda just stresses me more.

And not only that. I also feel kind of tense around the opposite sex - females. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love women, and cherish every positive interaction I have with them. But I always feel this tension in my body when I am in an informal situation around a girl that I don't know so well. Kind of like, being scared. Except it's more like an uncomfortable tension that I experience, and it seems to play out on the girl's side as well, maybe because my vibes give me away. And it seems that they get really uncomfortable around me as well. And I have no clue why! I don't think I say or do anything that causes that. I am starting to think it is my body language, possibly. Maybe because I have less control over that. So this kind of causes me difficulty in making small talk with them, you know, and conversational topics usually stay on very formal topics, not really going in any particular direction.

And those two above paragraphs really characterize me very well, in my opinion.

Now, here is the strange part: I work in sales. Cold sales. To women.
I sell cosmetics and bath sea salts and stuff. I work eleven hours a day in the mall getting people to stop and hopefully buy stuff. And I can say that pretty much 99% of my customers are women (if not 100%, I barely ever sell to men lol). It is very stressful job, and it is the scariest job for someone with approach anxiety lol. And I have been doing it for like eight months.

And while I am totally fine with dealing with everybody when I am at my kiosk, the second I step off the kiosk (and I mean literally - like even 6 feet away it), my self-confidence totally drops, and all the anxieties I have pop up, I feel anxious having to deal with other people (especially girls - that second paragraph describes it exactly).

And my question is this: How in the hell am I two different people on my kiosk, and not on my kiosk? And I am talking like drastically different.
On the kiosk, I verbally approach everybody, not anxious in the least, and the second I step away from the kiosk, I am anxious to even make eye contact with other people.

This has been confusing the heck out of me for all of the past eight months. Does someone have feedback? Does anyone else here share a similar experience?

 

[Badjedidude]

Well, there's nothing inherently wrong with being in a different mindset when at work....especially if you work as a salesman. When you're working, then it's GAME ON....and all other thoughts fly out the window because you have no time to worry about that stuff....is that perhaps close to the mark?

----Steve

 

[HeatOfSpirit]

Well, there's nothing inherently wrong with being in a different mindset when at work....especially if you work as a salesman. When you're working, then it's GAME ON....and all other thoughts fly out the window because you have no time to worry about that stuff....is that perhaps close to the mark?

----Steve

You hit the hammer on the nail. I was wandering though how I can be completely extremely two different people. It's just that fact that bugs the crap out of me. I wish I could be how I am at work, outside of work, you know, and not be as anxious and frightened as I currently am...

 

[Badjedidude]

It's not like you're a different PERSON, really....you just FEEL differently and do different things, that's all. Haha it's not like you have a schizoid second personality or something....heh so don't worry about anything like that.

It's just a difference in attitude. When you're at work, you're focused on doing your job and completing the tasks given to you....but when you're away from work...you have more choices and its a lot more uncertain. Here's a good analogy:

When you're at work, you're completing a dot-to-dot drawing...where you draw a straight line from on dot to another, and eventually a drawing is made. But when you're away from work, you have to draw a picture on an EMPTY piece of paper...with no help.

Does it sort of feel like that?

----Steve

 

[HeatOfSpirit]

That is EXACTLY how I feel. I'm just wandering how I can change it to be different. If it is all about mindset, and I can do it at work, then I can do it also outside of work, I guess. The real question is how....

 

[Badjedidude]

The HOW part is hard to learn...but the only way to do it is to get out there and experience it. It's the same with drawing a picture. Of COURSE it seems scary if you've never done it much...but as you practice and draw more and more...then soon you'll be drawing on a blank piece of paper with no help at all!

That's how social interaction is. The only way to learn it is to just try it. And here's a hint: IT'S OK TO BE NERVOUS. Being nervous doesn't make you a fool or dumb when you're in a social situation...in fact, most women find it to be a bit cute if you don't let it cause you to hide from them. Just do it DESPITE those nervous feelings, and eventually you'll learn enough to not be so nervous anymore.

Others on this site might also be able to help with specific examples...or any questions you may have. Don't just take my opinion! Ask around!

----Steve

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I knew I was not the only one who had two personas. I know exactly what you are going through.

As for who you are. You are your shy-self. At least that is who I think I am... since I have a work persona. According to my roommate, who works in the same office, everyone really likes me. This false smile and attitude I put up.

I guess all I can do is tell you I know exactly what you are going through. I have been doing it for a long time. Since I got a job as a camp counselor. I want to combine the two but am having a hard time.

You just need to go somewhere and experiment. I actually did this once.... way back when. I was at baseball camp. Since there were other camps in the same university there was a dance. At that dance I forced my other persona out. When I think about it, that was kind of fun. You just need to go out and do it. Go somewhere far away and try out your new thoughts. This way you have nothing to lose. You might never see those people again. So if you make an ass out of yourself no harm no foul. Just write down your experience and learn from it and try again. If anything it will make you feel better.

 

[HeatOfSpirit]

That's how social interaction is. The only way to learn it is to just try it. And here's a hint: IT'S OK TO BE NERVOUS. Being nervous doesn't make you a fool or dumb when you're in a social situation...in fact, most women find it to be a bit cute if you don't let it cause you to hide from them. Just do it DESPITE those nervous feelings, and eventually you'll learn enough to not be so nervous anymore.

----Steve

Problem is that when I am nervous I pretty much close up into myself. Don't speak much, just become a major total introvert. And then I feel tense. And stupid.
And regarding women finding unhidden nervousness "cute", that is a kind of cute that I don't want to portray of myself. It would make me feel even more insecure lol.

You just need to go somewhere and experiment. I actually did this once.... way back when. I was at baseball camp. Since there were other camps in the same university there was a dance. At that dance I forced my other persona out. When I think about it, that was kind of fun. You just need to go out and do it. Go somewhere far away and try out your new thoughts. This way you have nothing to lose. You might never see those people again. So if you make an ass out of yourself no harm no foul. Just write down your experience and learn from it and try again. If anything it will make you feel better.

That is quite an idea! I have thought about that before. That seems very scary, going to a far away party and just letting go. But I guess that's just about the only way to get over it.
What is your experience with it? How did you deal the first few times that you did that? Do you still do that? Did it get better? Do you feel less awkward, or less stressed? I really wanna hear about your experience...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well...The military kind of trained me, forced me or disciplined me to be like that.
Leave your home at home at the fucken front gate and leave your fucken work at work.
Why???...I have to focus on my work becuase it can dangerouse...people can fucken die if i don't do my job right.

It kind of messed up my marriage in so many kinds of way. it wasn't like i didn't think about her all day. I did.
I wasn't allow to chit chat with her and whatever emergencies she deemed she thought she had. I wasn't allow
to rush home to her, communicate with her better in a conversation that might take 10-15 mins or sometimes even call her.

After the military. I was employed at a power generations plant.
90% of the people that was employed there were ex-military.
It could be a very dangerouse work enviorment. Poeple can get killed or seriously hurt.
1600 degree and 300 PSI steam will cut a person in half like butter.
The same mentality...Leave whatever the fresia personal issues you have at the fucken front gate and foucs on your duties.


Well...Jenni thought I was one of most assertive shrude bussiness man. She wasn't a push over bussiness woman either.
She said i was a very nice guy after she gotten to know me better. When we wern't making bussiness decisions and playing footies instead.

 

[HeatOfSpirit]

Yeah, you are right. But what the heck does that have to do with what we are talking about right now? lol.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

That is quite an idea! I have thought about that before. That seems very scary, going to a far away party and just letting go. But I guess that's just about the only way to get over it.
What is your experience with it? How did you deal the first few times that you did that? Do you still do that? Did it get better? Do you feel less awkward, or less stressed? I really wanna hear about your experience...

^^; Well I did it once when I was younger.... I think I was 14. I think it was fun... but right now I am too scared to do something like that now. Right now I am focusing on improving my self-esteem by attempting to drop about 100 lbs. I am sorry I cannot help you there. My thought was to just go somewhere and do the opposite of what I would normally do. Or force myself to anyway. If I see a girl I like, go talk to her. I get asked to dance go dance. Just take who I am and lock him away.

No easy task I know, but if I do not try then I won't overcome this

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Yeah, you are right. But what the heck does that have to do with what we are talking about right now? lol.

How do you meAN? You're a chamelon??...

Split personallities, Bi-polar, manic depressive, passive agressive.
What labels do you prefer?

You want to be really crazy but you're not.

We're all capiable of being the nicest person or the meanest person..
or whatever your favorite role or multi roles you like to play.
It just a matter of chioce...becuase you're not...not truely, trurely
crazy...though you might feel like a wack job from time to time...everyone dose.