i hate myself

[jenn]

ok so i know i have bitched about this same problem like a million times but i just need to get something more off my chest. so this guy, who i work with (well use to he quit this week, and i might never see him again, but we do have a lot of friends in common so its probably not the case) who stopped hooking up with me about 3 months ago because i said i want to see if there could be something more between us and he didn't want a "strict" relationship (whatever the hell that means).

sure i mean at the time i thought things were great between us, maybe we could develop a relationship, maybe he could be my boyfriend but honestly i didn't think that way when things started out between us. actually i only started to feel like that after he started saying stuff like "i love you," "you're beautiful, you are always beautiful to me," "we should start spending time together outside of hooking up." when i heard stuff like that my first thought was wow he probably likes me far more than i like him, i'm going to end up hurting him. but the more i thought about it thought that i didn't want to lose him, that he was too wonderful for me to let this opportunity pass by. also i started to feel a bit slutty, like i was a whore because i was fooling around with someone i wasn't in a committed relationship with. so i decided that i should stay open to the idea of a relationship, that in fact maybe i should ask him if he thought we should like take this thing to the next level. well as i said that left me with nothing. he ended things because he didn't want to hurt me. but i didn't present things as a ultimatum, i wanted to know where i stood, i still wanted to continue things as they were, even if he never wanted to date me. we decided to be friends but one of the few times we hung out i got drunk and told him how much i missed him. and things had been awkward between us since.

until recently, we started to talk a bit and things were less awkward. in fact we hung out on saturday. the night started off fine, we actually left our friends early and he walked me back to my apartment. on the walk back we talked a bit about how things use to be, he said he missed "lots of things." i ask him if he had tried seeing any other girls, (we are both 21 and virgins, i guess i should add that, in fact what has happened between us has been the first sexual/romantic encounter either of us have ever had, i was actually his first kiss). he said no. i went to hold his hand and he didn't pull away. i leaned on him as we kept walking, i told him how i wished we had had sex, how i want to lose my virginity to him. when we got to my building i tried to kiss him and he kissed me back. he said he would help me upstairs. he hadn't seen the new apartment before so i showed him around a bit then led him to my room. i threw him on the bed and we started to make out. as i tried to take things further he would occassionally pause and said "i don't know if we should do this, i don't want to hurt you again," but then would go right back to what we were doing. he left kind of a hurry, so things didn't go that far. he might have been afraid of my roommate catching him there. but i kept kissing him as he tired to leave and asked if this would be the last time that this would happen, i asked him to promise that it wouldn't be, that honestly all i want from him this time is just to fool around and have sex, that i was just confused before. he said it wouldn't be the last time. i asked if he was just lying to spare my feelings and so he could leave but he said he hadn't lied to my before, why would he now.

i saw him briefly the next day and things were fine, we joked around a bit like we use to, but neither one of us said a thing about what happen.

i thought about it and i decided i wasn't going to ruin things this time by coming on too strong. so i have had no contact with him except for yesterday. i was with my roommate and she wanted to go into the place that he works (i had no choice but to go in, because i was in her car at the time). she walked up to him started chatting i tried to say hello, but he basically ignored me and just talked to my roommate. he only said "goodbye jenn, i'll see ya," when i left. it seemed a little awkward and i was starting to question what i should do. i had thought about waiting til tonight to call him before i had seen him yesterday, i was going to ask him to hang out, but because of the awkwardness i didn't know what to do. i worried that by me showing up there he would think i was trying to be clingy.

so i decide to have some balls and at least text him asking if he was doing anything tonight. so he responded to the texts i had sent right before it, like immediately, but once i ask him if he was doing anything tonight, i didn't get a response back until almost a half hour later. ii think it took so long because he was trying to come up with an excuse. when he finally responded, he said "actually i was just invited to this kids house to watch a fight." it sounded like a lie but i was too afraid to call him out on it. i just told him oh ok well have fun i guess. i'm pissed. i feel like i have been rejected twice. i guess there is a chance i am overreacting that he could be telling the truth, but part of me doubts it. i feel so stupid, like i'm giving him exactly what he wants this time, i want the same thing as he does, but still i am being rejected. i know i'm not really pretty or anything like that but we seemed to have fun when we were fooling around together, we both still seemed to be attracted to one another, at least we did on saturday.

i feel so stupid, and i just keep wondering what is wrong with me. i know i will see him on friday we are both going to the same party and i just wonder how it will be between us. will he talk to me at all? will he want to come home with me? i can't be rejected again. i hate myself for putting myself in this position. i obviously can't do anything to make anyone want me. i just want to be with him, i don't even want a stupid relationship, i just want to spend sometime with him.

 

[jales]

Awh!

it seems like....you do what a relationship.
No: I dont think you should feel like a whore for messing around with him (lol you feeling like a whore makes me laugh...because you would be the first virgin whore to exist), BUT the point is you felt bad about it and that means something.

You deserve the best that's out there...once you are willing to give your best to your partner they should be willing to give their best to you.

YES it's hard not to settle...and this guy might be really nice and worth you even...and sex is great and all but it's not a substitute for friendship.. It can feel like it is ..BUT it's not.

Maybe you feel connected to him while you'll are kissing, but that fact that you hate yourself, and youre in so much pain and he doesnt even know or seem to care enough to talk it all through with you and make you feel better means that he may not be the guy who you can build a friendship with.

If this is the case then what's the point of just being with him. Even if you have sex and feel great during the night..what happens the next day?

BUT i'm totally wrong to preach to you. What I really mean to say is...don't hate yourself.. there is too much love in the world for you to hate yourself. You are loved, you might not know it but you are..

but somehow that might not help..somehow maybe you need to know it. So find friends that will make sure that you know it. Find people who you know love you. alonelylife is a good place for that..

I'm NOT saying this guy is a loser. He seems really nice, but I am saying... he may not be able to give you what you need. And the world is a huge place...and I'm sure that other guys (or girls..(just as friends))..right on this site can give you what you need... what you are worth..

So dont chase after and empty barrel when you are surrounded by full ones.

 

[SighX99]

ya i hated myself when i was chasing the wrong girl. i thought i had the most perfect one but only to found out after that she didnt give a flying fresia about me at all, after i poured my heart out and everything, my first real love in a long long time........everyone goes through it, i've always thought I'll probably learn from this and do better next time when that chance comes around again. have hope, you learn from your mistakes and what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. dont hate yourself


the "still-virginity-is-lame" thing is just some bullshit that people make up so they dont seem slutty. better to save it for someone who is really worth it. i know soooo many people that regret their virginity being taken by someone that wasnt worth it. it takes time. if you think he is it, then go for it. but if theres any any doubt in ur mind, id say save it for someone that actually cares about ur feeling. I'm in the same battle as well.

and STD is everywhere. 1 in 6 have herpes.


worst enemy = yourself.

good luck

 

[bookbinder]

and STD is everywhere. 1 in 6 have herpes.

that's one way to kill the mood.

anyways, jenn, just freeze him at the party (i.e., cold shoulder him a little or just be coldly polite) and then talk to some other guy. he'll eventually get jealous and then the two of you can finally go back to your new apartment for a good fresia.

 

[EveWasFramed]

and STD is everywhere. 1 in 6 have herpes.

that's one way to kill the mood.

anyways, jenn, just freeze him at the party (i.e., cold shoulder him a little or just be coldly polite) and then talk to some other guy. he'll eventually get jealous and then the two of you can finally go back to your new apartment for a good fresia.

Yeah, as crass as it may sound, if what you're looking for is only sex, then, by all means, you should listen to Panda dude. The BEST way to bring a guy to heel, so to speak, is to let him know that you aren't available to him anymore. I think men are hard wired that way. It's all about the chase. PLEASE, any men who respond to this, don't bother to deny it, lol. It's a concept that is as old as time. And that's not meant to be an insult, it's just nature.
HOWEVER, I think that you delude yourself if you think that sex is all you want. I think that sometimes our subconscious makes us think we feel a certain way, when what actually feel, is the total opposite. I think it's a safety mechanism. In other words, you feel that he's rejecting you, so your subconscious tells you that you really don't want anything more than sex. I read your post twice, just to be sure that I hadn't misread anything and, from what you said, I think you want MUCH more than sex, but are willing to settle for that, since you think that he doesn't want anything else.
Now, I'm not there and I don't know you or the guy. BUT...
If you act like a doormat, girl, you WILL get treated like one! If you genuinely think that sex is all you want, then do just as Panda dude said...cut his ass off at the knees when you see him at the party. Act like he doesn't phase you in the least. Act like you are bored by him and have other, more interesting people that you need to talk to, whether it be male or female. Act like watching paint dry would more exciting than being his company. LOL, it's even more of a blow if you cut him short to go chat up a girlfriend. He will be like...."omg, she doesn't think I'm the center of the universe anymore! Hmmm....maybe I should take a closer look...."...

Now, that might be the best option for YOU since you are obviously so into the guy, but for me, personally I'd drop that mofo like he was the Ebola virus! Who the hell does he think he is?! You have feelings and he shouldn't be playing with them, especially since you've made yourself perfectly clear about what you feel towards him. If he's just not that into you, then he should grow a ******* spine or maybe some BALLS and tell you so you can move on. *rolls eyes*

 

[bookbinder]

The BEST way to bring a guy to heel, so to speak, is to let him know that you aren't available to him anymore. I think men are hard wired that way. It's all about the chase. PLEASE, any men who respond to this, don't bother to deny it, lol. It's a concept that is as old as time. And that's not meant to be an insult, it's just nature.

Psst...Eve....over here....*leans in to share secret*....

Women are wired that way too.

 

[EveWasFramed]

The BEST way to bring a guy to heel, so to speak, is to let him know that you aren't available to him anymore. I think men are hard wired that way. It's all about the chase. PLEASE, any men who respond to this, don't bother to deny it, lol. It's a concept that is as old as time. And that's not meant to be an insult, it's just nature.

Psst...Eve....over here....*leans in to share secret*....

Women are wired that way too.

*leans in close to hear secret*

For real?! Dude! No way! Who'd a thunk it??
lol, being a WOMAN, I know this. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm right, now does it?
And tell me, Oh Wise One, what other secrets about women to you have up your furry panda ass?? lol, Did you read all about women's dark secrets in some of that literature that you scratch your ass, er, I mean head with? I'd like to see things from your point of view, but unfortunately, I can't get my head that far up my ass. Tell me, Panda man, how long have you been suffering from cranium-rectal disorder?

lol, I'm just teasing you Panda Bear. You are correct in your thinking. Women are wired that way too, but since it was a MAN in question, I didn't really feel obligated to divulge any womanly secrets.
lol, you're just WAY to much fun to tease!

 

[jenn]

anyways, jenn, just freeze him at the party (i.e., cold shoulder him a little or just be coldly polite) and then talk to some other guy. he'll eventually get jealous and then the two of you can finally go back to your new apartment for a good fresia.

Yeah, as crass as it may sound, if what you're looking for is only sex, then, by all means, you should listen to Panda dude. The BEST way to bring a guy to heel, so to speak, is to let him know that you aren't available to him anymore. I think men are hard wired that way. It's all about the chase. PLEASE, any men who respond to this, don't bother to deny it, lol. It's a concept that is as old as time. And that's not meant to be an insult, it's just nature.

I know that it might seem like that would be one way to get his attention, but i feel like he would be the exception to this concept. he actually is, despite what i've said, a really great guy. i think if he saw me talking to another guy, he would either assume it was just a friend or he would think "oh good for her." he's highly sensitive at times and i think it wold just hurt him. he would just give up talking to me and i do not want that.

oh that walk back to my apartment he also ask me if i had tried seeing any other guys. at first i laughed at him, explained that no one is ever interested in me, so no i hadn't. then my exact words to him were, "no, there's not anybody out there is wonderful as you." and i really feel like this is true in my case. i know he doesn't want a relationship with me, i except that. and i don't think i'd be a good girlfriend, for him or for anyone. but i feel like there is so much chemistry between us and i really want a physical relationship with him.

i wish that freezing him out tonight would work, but honestly i just feel like i have tried everything, that there is nothing i can do to make him want me. i already have a bad feeling that i'll just get super drunk and try to get him to come home with me. i'll probably end up embarrassing myself yet again. i know i'm only hurting myself at this point, that he's might just not into me, but i still don't want to give up. its not like he has flat out told me he wants nothing to do with me. and i mean he did kiss me back and was just as willing as i was on saturday. being with him is the thing that makes me happiest, so aren't i crazy not to chase after it?

 

[EveWasFramed]

anyways, jenn, just freeze him at the party (i.e., cold shoulder him a little or just be coldly polite) and then talk to some other guy. he'll eventually get jealous and then the two of you can finally go back to your new apartment for a good fresia.

Yeah, as crass as it may sound, if what you're looking for is only sex, then, by all means, you should listen to Panda dude. The BEST way to bring a guy to heel, so to speak, is to let him know that you aren't available to him anymore. I think men are hard wired that way. It's all about the chase. PLEASE, any men who respond to this, don't bother to deny it, lol. It's a concept that is as old as time. And that's not meant to be an insult, it's just nature.

i think if he saw me talking to another guy, he would either assume it was just a friend or he would think "oh good for her." .... he would just give up talking to me and i do not want that.

i know he doesn't want a relationship with me, i except that. and i don't think i'd be a good girlfriend, for him or for anyone.

... there is nothing i can do to make him want me. i already have a bad feeling that i'll just get super drunk and try to get him to come home with me. i'll probably end up embarrassing myself yet again. i know i'm only hurting myself at this point, that he's might just not into me, but i still don't want to give up....so aren't i crazy not to chase after it?

Again, act like a doormat and get treated like one.
(Do you LIKE being stepped on?)

There are way too many men who would WILLINGLY oblige you if sex is what you want. Not just willingly, but eagerly! ANd they'd probably let you know how much they appreciated the gift of your innocence.
Get over him before you lose ANY self-respect you may possess, because that's what this situation will eventually do to you. You are 21, NOT 16.

 

[jales]

Eve is right..
don't give yourself to someone who doesnt want you.
at the very least the guy should want you.

fight yourself if you must...
they say dont love what doesnt love you back..

please dont give yourself to a guy who doesnt want you..it's okay to like him..but to have sex with a guy who doesnt want you..
you will find someone who wants you..wait!

i'm not saying you'll regret it if you have sex with him.. i'm just saying the guy should WANT to have sex with you..he should want it just as much as you do...

 

[jenn]

so um i went that party last night. and um guess what it was a ******* disaster. and i really only have myself to blame for that.

when i got there he wasn't there yet. and i was having a pretty good time despite not know anyone all that well. as soon as he got there though all i could think about was talking to him. i started drinking more, which a friend of mine was giving me honeysuckle about saying, really is this just because he's here.

i could tell he was avoiding me somewhat but he did eventually start talking to me. i decided to get progressively more drunk and began throwing myself at him, holding on to him, refusing to let go. he kept pushing me away and i asked him why he was being like this after all he did kiss me back on saturday. he said he knows that but he shouldn't have that he's just leading me on. i explained to him that he really isn't this time, i know the deal, that he will never want to date me, i'm ok with that. but still he kept rejecting me.

my friend, whose party it was pulled me away from him and took me upstairs. she told me to stop what i was doing, that because i was so drunk there was no way he was going to take me home anyway, that her boyfriend would never sleep with her when she is this drunk and that this guy wouldn't do that to me either. i kept saying that its different though, you have someone who cares about you, loves you. this guy doesn't give a honeysuckle about me, she said that i'm wrong that he probably does care about me. but it doesn't feel like that.

so my friend asked me to go home. which i understand i'm pretty sure i ruined everything. she also threaten to call the police on me again (she and my roommate called about a month ago because they thought i was going to hurt myself, which i wasn't planning to do). i went home crying alone. and probably because i was drunk i kept sending him text messages. i know, i was that girl, so drunk and sloppy and making a fool of herself. sorry in advance for all the swearing. i normally don't talk to anyone like this, let alone him.

me- "what do i need to do? im giving u what u wanted & u are still ******* rejecting me what the fresia do i need to do i guess i really am that terrible sorry for ruining ur night"
me-"at least you quit & never have to see me again"
me-"why the fresia do you hate me so much?"
me-"i love you but don't worry i'll never ******* bother u again"

him- "go to bed please"

me- "fresia you"
me- "u don't care about me anyway so i'll do whatever the fresia i want"

him- "relax please"

me- "fresia you u obviously hate me so why bother"
me-"i get it im terrible sorry i ever came into ur life"

him- "jen take it easy this is the last text i'm sending you"

me- "yeah i know because you want nothing to do with this ******* cunt again"
me- "have a wonderful night oh & i guess life too since we will never talk again"

after the last one i just cried til i passed out.

so i pretty sure as a result of my actions he will never speak to me again and i'm sure some of my friends won't either. i hate my life.

 

[jales]

i know it doesnt feel like it right now...
but you will be okay...

you deserve a guy who will love you to the ends of the earth.
dont settle for less.

 

[Naleena]

(((((((((Jenn))))))))))
I think your friends will forgive you Apparently this is not the man for you. I know you feel really hurt now but, you will survive this and move on. When someone rejects us all we really can do is back out- gracefully.

He is one of how many millions of men in the world? There is someone out there for you, just not this one. The fact he said he was leading you on is sad. You do deserve better- really. You will find someone better suited to you.

Don't beat yourself up for last night. Everyone has made a fool out of themselves at one time or another. We are human beings and we f*ck up- plain and simple.

Try and take care of yourself. Do something you enjoy. Maybe you can have a night out with your girl friends?



Hope you get to feeling better soon,
Naleena

 

[Incognita]

Hey,Jenn.
It's ok to fucken talk like this,man...
it reminds me a little what i have, oh gosh right now ....this whole sh is such a pain in the neck i swear...

i often hear :

him :"go to bed please..."
him:"go to class please..."
him:"relax please..."
him:"no ur not freaking me out anymore..."
him:"read ur book please..."

...don't know how long this is gonna go on like this
life sucks

 

[RobertJW]

My ex keeps changing cellphone numbers so I cant contact her :-(

And still I cant stop myself trying to get in touch

 

[jenn]

and it gets worse...

umm so turns out i said some really terrible things to him that i don't remember at all. i think i blacked out that night. he called my roommate and so did two of my friends. everybody thinks i'm out of control and hell they may be right. i have said things to him that i can't imagine saying to anyone i hated let alone love. i heard i left him in tears, as well as a couple of my friends.

i don't know anymore. i want to apologizes to him but i think its too late. i have messed up royally.

 

[jales]

it'll be okay... you'll will talk it through

 

[jenn]

on saturday, i decided to go out and get super drunk with a few people i barely know i hopes of forgetting what happened. friday wasawful and let me tell you things we even worse than i had originally thought. i knew things were bad, but like i didn;t get that upset because i really felt like in the scheme of things that no one noticed, that i really only ruined my night. that when i left they just sighed with relief.. i had no idea the damage i created.

when i was at work both two of my friends assured me that i wasn't that bad, that no one even noticed what happen. but i think they were trying to be kind and to not make me feel bad. two of my friends called D roommate, kinda best friend, i think i have mentioned her before) to tell her how out of control i was (she wasn't at the party). i guess they are really worried. according to them i said and did a lot of things i completely do not remember.

i caused a scene, i got super drunk, one of my friends was spilling my beer on purpose to get me to stop, i said things to this guy, i'll call him B to avoid confusion, like "so what is it are you like some kind of ******* faggot, is that why you won't go home with me." i'm pretty sure i have never called someone that ever. i did this in front of all of our friends. i was mean to him in a way i wouldn't even be to someone i really hate, let alone love. i am told i left him in tears, as well as (well maybe, i have a hard time believing any of this) two of my friends. all those text messages i sent him drunk caused B to also call D and leave some "annoying" (thats what she said) voice mail.

when i was told about this by D (and she didn't tell me everything yet), i honestly couldn't believe any of it, this is all completely out of character. i have been told they are all just worried about me. but after all that i really hate myself more than ever.

i sent B a text saturday night when i was drunk (because i am on a ******* bender) saying how sorry i am, how i know he hates me and that i understand, that i do really love him (how sad is it that i was only able to tell him that i love him until after things had ended and only through text message). i hate that that is how i chose to say that, through a text message how incredibly insincere that must look. i really want to apologize in person but it might be too late for all that.

i can't believe that i did any of this. i never wanted to hurt him, make him cry, i never would want him to hurt in anyway, or to have to experience any of the sort of emotions i have. by the way D told me this at work today. and yes B was there. i tried to avoid him, but unfortunately i had to talk to him briefly. it was awkward and i couldn't look him in the eye and it was all work related.

i was so confused by all that D told me that i couldn't react. i finally only cried when telling telling my friend G what happened. she picked me up from work tonight, made me dinner and listened to everything that happen. she did her best to distract me. her and her roommates invited me to hang out this week, which meant a lot i need some different people around me. and i have to stop making everyone around me hate me.

sorry that was long, and i assume terribly missppelled. and the first intial only to identify my friends is weird i know, i guess i'm a little parnoid.

i just needed to get it all out.

 

[jales]

trust me ..it will work out
you have great support from your friends..

and you and ben must talk again.. you cant avoid him forever..

you guys might not end up together,
but more likely than not the friendship is not completely over

EITHER WAY.... look at a movie, read yahoo answers or somthing
dont think about this whole thing for a while...
let some time pass so it can sort itself out okay..